


Escape the Night: A Restoration

by canufeelthemagictonight



Series: Escape the Night [4]
Category: Escape the Night (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (again), Afterlife, All Stars, Ancient China, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece, And Lots of It, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Arabia, Arabian Nights - Freeform, Beating, Betrayal, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, But also, Camelot, Clues, Dark, Dark Comedy, Deadly Game, Death, Demons, Dimension Travel, Dinosaurs, Distrust, Djinni & Genies, Emotional Hurt, Emperor - Freeform, Engagement, Evil, False Accusations, Friendship, Funny, Garuda - Freeform, Gen, Gorgons (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Gun Violence, Heaven & Hell, Heavy Angst, Hinduism, Hurt/Comfort, In a way, India, Insanity, Knights - Freeform, Minotaur - Freeform, Missions, Missions Gone Wrong, Monsters, Mummies, Murder, Murder Mystery, Museums, Novelization, Pirates, Prehistoric, Psychological Trauma, Purgatory, Quests, Rescue Missions, Resurrection, Riddles, Sacrifice, Second Chances, Secret Society, Self-Sacrifice, Stabbing, Strangulation, Tragedy, Trauma, Weddings, YouTubers - Freeform, YouTubers trapped in Purgatory slowly being killed off one by one, actually your fave will almost certainly die, and if your fave doesn't die he/she will be scarred for life, and some true ones?, based on the YouTube Red show Escape the Night with Joey Graceffa, especially since your fave probably already died, even though most of them already died once but whatever, gold - Freeform, hooray!, your fave will probably die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2020-07-29 17:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 53
Words: 132,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20085754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canufeelthemagictonight/pseuds/canufeelthemagictonight
Summary: What Joey Graceffa wants, more than anything, is to make all the wrongs he did right. When the Society Against Evil gives him a chance to do just that, he journeys into Purgatory on a mission to rescue his fallen friends from death's embrace.He should've been more careful what he wished for.All your favorite characters are back...but the game is harder than ever. Willanyonesurvive? Or will death claim them for good?A novelization of Season 4 of the YouTube Premium showEscape the Night with Joey Graceffa.The fourth installment in theEscape the Nightnovelization series.





	1. The Explorer

**Author's Note:**

> The series continues! Before I begin, let's lay down some ground rules.  
This is a novelization of the fourth season of _Escape the Night,_ a YouTube Premium show. If you haven't watched the fourth season yet, I recommend you do so, though you can still read this fic if you haven't seen it. If you haven't watched the first three seasons or read the first three novels, go do that right now and then come back.  
Everything that happens in the show (deaths, dialogue, etc.) happens in this story as well. I will occasionally patch up a plot hole, or fill in a missing scene with my own headcanons, but mostly, this fic will stick very closely to the original story.  
With all that said, please sit back, relax, and enjoy _Escape the Night: A Restoration!_

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere in Purgatory, a little brown girl calls for help.

The glass case shatters into shards, and the young exhibit stumbles.

_One more chance..._

Her name is Liza Koshy. She's a black-haired, brown-skinned, wild-eyed twenty-something in a white blouse, beige pants, a beige button-down jacket with white frilly cuffs, and a patterned cream kerchief tied around her neck. A long time ago, she was a YouTuber, making people laugh with her content, but she was an Explorer when she died.

_Where am I?_ Her brown eyes widen as she grows used to the unfamiliar feeling of oxygen in her lungs. She racks her brain for answers, but she only finds a blue bird and red blood and _at least I did_ some _good...right?_

The rest is darkness.

Liza takes in her surroundings. What she sees disturbs her: a circle of glass cases identical to the one she just escaped from, each one exhibiting a frozen YouTuber. First, she recognizes DeStorm Power, whose death she remembers all too well, and then her heart sinks when she catches sight of Tana Mongeau, Gabbie Hanna, and Alex Wassabi. _You all died too, huh? Did_ anyone _get out of that place? Or did we die for nothing?_

Justine Ezarik and Timothy DeLaGhetto are here too. Liza recalls hearing the news of the 2016 massacre that claimed both their lives (along with six others). Back then, everyone thought it was a one-off tragedy. Never Again. Until it happened again, and many more perished.

But...Colleen Ballinger wasn't dead when Liza died. Neither was Rosanna Pansino. Why are _they_ here? What happened?

Well, Liza doesn't have time to wonder about that right now. Her friends _need_ her. If she can bust their exhibits open...

Footsteps. The little brown girl scrambles to her feet and ducks behind a stump in the center of the clearing. Egyptian guards arrive on the scene, but fortunately for Liza, it's easy to overlook something as small as her, so it isn't long before the soldiers go their merry way. Alone once more, Liza catches the breath that's somehow been returned to her. She can't bring herself to take her eyes off her petrified friends.

_No weapons here,_ she sadly notes. _No sharp things. Not even a decent-sized stick. And it's not like I can just kick the glass. I can kick the bucket, but I can't kick the glass._ She's unamused by her own joke. _I don't wanna leave them behind!_

"I'll be back," she whispers. "I promise."

She doesn't know if they heard her.

Apparently, the afterlife features a museum. Liza doesn't want to spend eternity looking at mounted lions, dinosaur bones, and various other collectibles, and she _definitely_ doesn't want to be on display for the angels/demons/whatever to gawk at, so she needs to find a way out for her and her friends before it's too late.

_I'm the Explorer. Finding things is my speciality._

She peeks around a doorway. The coast seems clear, so she takes off running down the hall, her heart going crazy in her chest as she tries not to think about all the ways this could go wrong. A noise brings her to a stop, and when she realizes that the Egyptian guards have reappeared, she darts out of sight, hoping against hope that she wasn't spotted.

(She was.)

Liza discovers the perfect hiding place in an eerie alcove of the museum. She shuts both doors behind her, effectively cutting her off from both potential threats and potential sources of help. _Keep it together, Liza._ She takes three deep breaths in a row. _It's up to you to save your friends. It's up to you to escape this place. It's up to you to stop talking to yourself._

She turns around. There's a glowing green jar in the center of the room, and something about it seems otherworldly. It's like the kind of movie MacGuffin that will destroy the unworthy in spectacular three-dimensional living-color fashion.

Liza scrunches her expression. "What the hell _is_ this place?"

Against her better judgement, she steps closer to the jar in order to get a good look at its contents. At first glance, there's nothing except for a lot of...water? Goo? Poison? Definitely a liquid of some kind. But when Liza squints at the jar, she sees something _moving_ in there, and it's not a bug, either. It's something far more sinister.

"Shane?"

It's a human soul. And not just _any_ human soul, but the soul of Shane Dawson, who died in the massacre of 2016.

"What...?"

A closer inspection reveals that it's not just Shane who's stuck in that jar. Liza recognizes Lauren Riihimaki and Jesse Wellens, who met their ends at that fateful Victorian party, just like her. On top of that, there's..._Safiya Nygaard? Manny Mua?_ They _weren't dead before. That's_ four _people in this place who shouldn't be dead..._ She gulps. _Oh, Joey, honey, no. You didn't. Did you?_

There's a small mirror not far from the jar, but it's not Liza's reflection that awaits her on the other side.

"Joey?"

Joey Graceffa. Her friend. Her killer. Her last chance to escape the night for good.

He stares intently into whatever mirror he's looking through, his eyes puffy around the edges, his mind clearly deep in thought. He's a blonde now, and his outfit was obviously ripped straight out of the 70s. That, combined with the new souls here, can only mean one thing: it happened again.

"Joey!" Liza calls into the mirror. "Joey, are you there?"

His mouth unhinges in surprise. He's listening.

Liza trembles as she speaks. "This is your chance to make things right." She already forgave him for what he did to her, but if he can get her and the others out of here, she'll love him forever. "We need you. Please..." Her voice breaks. "Please come save us."

The doors swing open. In walks an imposing woman with a long face, harsh eyes, a tall black hairstyle, an elaborate headpiece, an outfit from a culture that Liza's too stressed out to identify, a spear in her hand, and an aura of powerful peril all around her. "What are you doing outside of your exhibit?" She sounds like the type of person who'd listen to classical music while dismembering a dead body. "There will be punishment."

Anger bubbles up inside Liza's unbreakable spirit. "What have you done with my friends?"

"There was enough room in my collection to hold them all," says the sinister stranger, "but I _do_ enjoy feasting on souls when I'm hungry."

_Not our souls,_ thinks Liza defiantly. _Not us. Not after all we've been through. We're not exhibits for you to put on display, you crazy bitch!_

Suddenly, the woman uses her spear to stab Liza in the stomach. Liza, who was under the impression that dead people can't feel pain, is quickly taught otherwise by the jolt of agony that shoots through her body as blood pools around her wound. _No!_ She struggles to stay standing. Shock, fear, and righteous rage mix within her like an emotional soup. _Not again! I don't wanna die again!_

"Don't fight," sneers her attacker.

_My friends...don't make me leave them like this...they need someone to stand up and protect them..._

The woman slowly raises her hand. Liza can feel her soul being forced out of her body, presumably to be placed in that horrible jar with Shane, Lauren, Jesse, Safiya, Manny, and whoever else is in there. She screams like she's never screamed before.

_Help us, Joey Graceffa._ She doesn't know why her suffering psyche fixates on a Star Wars reference, but at this point, it's all that sustains her. _You're our only hope._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Our actual protagonist, Joey Graceffa, begins his (hopefully final) mission, accompanied by two Society warriors, two seasoned survivors, and a last-minute tag-along with more confidence than experience.


	2. An Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months after Everlock, Joey's little quest to find redemption (and also save some lives) officially kicks off, and both new and old friends join him. Nothing can go wrong, right? (SPOILER ALERT: It's _all_ about to go wrong.)

It's been six months since Joey Graceffa escaped the town of Everlock.

It's been three months since he was initiated into the Society Against Evil.

Now, on a chilly January night, Joey is finally, _finally_ embarking on the most important mission that he'll ever undertake.

The Savant drives through the grass in a black Jeep that his boyfriend Daniel got him for Christmas, and even though he's probably breaking _so_ many traffic laws right now, he couldn't care less. _Tonight,_ he thinks happily as he parks in a random abandoned spot, _I'll save my friends and put everything back to how it used to be._

(The list in his head is silent.)

Only two of the six past survivors have agreed to join him on his quest. Eva Gutowski and Oli White are both too far away; Eva moved to the United Kingdom two months ago, and Oli is, of course, a born-and-raised Brit. Andrea Russett flat-out refused to come, citing "love of life" as her reason to stay home. As for Tyler Oakley, Joey couldn't bring himself to ask his old ally to risk his life again, especially after everything the former Thespian has done to keep the dead YouTubers' memory alive. Someone has to tell their story, and since that is the role Tyler seems to have chosen, Joey will leave him in 2019 to continue his good work.

But Nikita Dragun has answered the call, and so has Matthew "MatPat" Patrick, and Joey feels blessed to still have such good friends. Even if he doesn't deserve them.

They're waiting for him at their designated meeting spot. Matt, the Detective, wears a long black coat with the Society Against Evil symbol on the back of it, along with black pants, a white shirt, and a brown tie. Because of a recent charity fundraiser, he's got a streak of purple in his otherwise brown hair. Nikita, the Troublemaker, comes equipped with a fashionable wig (as usual); this one is styled into two long blonde pigtails and includes a black headband for extra contrast. Her short black skirt, skimpy black-and-white Society-marked top, black katana, and black fingerless gloves make her look like Babydoll from Sucker Punch...if Babydoll had two teardrops tattooed underneath her right eye.

Joey himself chose to confront his task in a brown jacket with the Society symbol on it, a dark green sweater over a white shirt, glasses, and a scarlet tie. He runs a hand through his brown hair, sets his bag down, and grins at his friends. "You guys got what I asked for?"

"Yeah," Matt replies, returning the smile. "What took you so long?"

"So is this a bad time to mention that I invited someone to the party?" mumbles Nikita sheepishly.

_Wait, what?_

"The party's _here!"_

The party, apparently, is Bretman Rock, the Playboy. He's dressed in an eye-popping yellow coat that goes past his waist, a black silk blouse-and-pants combo, an overly complicated green necklace, and gold earrings. His black hair is primped to perfection, as are his impeccable eyebrows and the beautiful makeup on his face.

Joey can't say that he's happy to see him. "Nikita, I _told_ you not to invite anyone!" he snaps at his blonde companion, who answers him with a shrug. "This is gonna be a dangerous mission!"

"The only danger here is this fat ass!" is Bretman's overconfident reply.

But Joey is unsettled by the newbie's obvious excitement. _He's not ready._ Bretman, unlike everyone else on this mission, doesn't know what it's like to fear for his life. All he knows is YouTube. He might _think_ that he understands what he's getting himself into, but he's in for a rude awakening once the sparks begin to fly. Boys like him—naive newcomers filled with misplaced badassery—don't belong in places where they might end up over their head.

Sadly, it's too late to stop Bretman from accompanying them. He's already here. No use locking the barn door after the horses are gone. _Besides,_ thinks Joey, _if I try to send him home now, Nikita's probably gonna clobber me._ He exhales. _In and out. We'll be in and out. Nothing's gonna happen to any of us._

Jael and Ryu, Joey's mentors in the Society Against Evil, are the last to arrive on the scene. "You ready?" asks Jael.

"Okay." Joey takes stock of their inventory, which consists of the Crown of Oblivion, an artifact, and the blue crystal he's obsessed over for six months. It's a strange assortment of tools, but then again, this is a strange assortment of people. "Now that we're all here, let's do this thing."

Right on cue, Jael pulls out a map. "This is where your friends are being kept," she explains. "To enter the Museum of the Dead, we need to create a gateway to Purgatory. The Crown generates the power, the Cursed Artifact has an evil to cut through the barrier protecting it, and the Life Crystal allows entry without dying."

"The power of the Crown won't last very long," Ryu reminds them.

Jael points to a spot on the map labeled _Alpha._ "Joey, you're going to be here. You take Nikita and Bretman to where your friends are. I'll take the rest through the roof. The museum's Collector should be avoided at all costs."

_Trust me, I know._

"And what about me?" Matt can't help but ask. "I _did_ cancel my livestream for this." He promised his wife, Stephanie, that he'd be home by tomorrow so that they can take baby Ollie to his doctor's appointment. This time, Matt plans on holding himself to that promise.

"You'll be with me," Jael responds gently. "Baby steps." 

The way she says it implies that she isn't sure if Matt is capable of combat at the moment. Matt wonders offhand if he should tell her about the time he killed a Demon Dog. Granted, he apologized afterwards, but everyone starts somewhere.

With the logistics of their plan hashed out, it's time for Jael and Ryu to open the portal to Purgatory. The two warriors shoot beams of orange power out of their mouths onto the Crown of Oblivion. The Crown, the Cursed Artifact, and the Life Crystal do their work, and a blue portal to Purgatory springs to life between two trees.

_"Go,_ bitches!" shouts Nikita.

Joey says "go" and runs towards the portal at top speed. Bretman's behind him, followed by Nikita and Matt, in that order. Joey can see a glimpse of the life beyond his life from here, and Liza's message echoes in his head like a constantly repeating tape recorder.

_"We need you. Come save us."_

"The Crown is breaking!" Ryu screams. "Go!"

_This is where redemption begins._

First, Joey jumps through the portal. Then, Bretman. Nikita's supposed to be next, but just as she's about to jump, the Crown of Oblivion is destroyed in a small explosion. The portal vanishes from sight.

"Guys!" Matt snaps.

Nikita feels like she's on the verge of a panic attack. "Where did they go?" _Goddamn it, Bretman's stuck in Purgatory without me! How am I supposed to keep him safe when the Crown's decided to be a bitch and rip us apart like that?_ She _can't_ lose another best friend to one of Joey's little missions. _I should've just left him at home..._

Matt angrily gestures to where the portal was a second ago. "Why'd the portal disappear?"

After he and Bretman touch down in Purgatory, Joey turns around just in time to see the portal evaporate. _Dammit._ His stomach drops into his gut. _That shouldn't have happened. I only just got here, and_ already _it's all gone wrong._

"What happened?" worries Bretman.

"I don't know." Joey thinks of Matt, Nikita, Jael, and Ryu. They were here to help him, but now, he's gone and left them behind. "It was supposed to stay open."

Bretman's mouth unhinges itself. "Are you saying we're _stuck_ here?"

_Why couldn't I have left_ him _behind?_ Joey considers Bretman a friend, which is _exactly_ why he doesn't want him here in Purgatory. _I've already killed enough friends. I don't need another corpse in my nightmares._ "I'm sure they're gonna figure it out, okay? Let's just focus on the mission." The Savant takes off jogging. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" is Bretman's next question.

"I don't know," Joey admits. "I think it's this way."

They come upon a magnificent building. Joey stays low so as to stay hidden, and a still-confused Bretman follows his lead. As the boys conduct their stakeout, they see the doors of the building open to reveal a woman whose face Joey remembers from his Society Against Evil initiation class. She is trailed by a train of guards and (for some reason) a Gorgon.

Joey turns to Bretman. "That's the Collector."

Bretman's expression indicates that he has no idea who the Collector is. Joey once again kicks himself for letting the twenty-year-old beauty guru join their team without so much as a mission briefing. _If he dies here, it's my fault. He's my responsibility._

The guards line up in front of the Collector and the Gorgon.

"We are leaving on an expedition to find pieces for my new exhibit," the Collector tells her henchmen. "Keep careful watch!"

The head guard kneels. The Gorgon takes out a small chain with a key on it, then puts it around the head guard's neck. With that done, the Collector opens a portal that looks _identical_ to the one that Joey and Bretman came through, and both she and the Gorgon use it to depart. The guards disperse.

_Now's our chance._ "Let's go," whispers Joey, and he and Bretman leave their hiding place to search for their friends.

Eventually, the boys come across a clearing surrounded by vines. They push the vines aside to reveal...

"What _is_ this?" Bretman gasps.

Eight of Joey's deceased friends are _here,_ right in front of him, arranged in a circle of glass cases that surround a glowing stump. Each YouTuber is frozen in a different pose, each is dressed in an outfit that is _definitely_ not what they died in, and each has a small display at their feet (although Joey's too far away to make out exactly what the displays are). They could easily be mistaken for lifeless mannequins, except that they're all _far_ too lifelike not to be real.

Joey's eyes widen as he processes what he's seeing. "Omigod..."

"Joey," whimpers Bretman, "I'm scared."

But whatever fear Joey might possess soon gives way to relief. "They're really here." As terrifying as it might be to see his friends in glass cases, he's excited to see them all again. _I promised I'd find them,_ buzzes his mind, _and I did. Here they are. They're okay._

His gaze falls on Justine Ezarik. When he last saw his old best friend, she was being buried alive against her will, and he was powerless to rescue her. She's haunted his dreams ever since. Even now, the little display at the bottom of her glass case plays her final moments on an infinite loop, right above the plaque that labels her as the Adventurer (even though she was the Gambler at the time of her death). But that doesn't matter now. It's all right. Everything's all right. He'll save her, and he'll bring her home, and no one will ever hurt her again.

If only he didn't have a sea of regret to swim through first.

"Colleen!" Joey approaches the case of his _other_ old best friend, Colleen Ballinger, but stops in his tracks when he catches sight of her death display. There, right at her feet, is the scene of her being shoved into the Maiden of Madness to die, begging for her life to those who were once her friends. And there is Joey, leading the deadly crowd. "Colleen..." His voice breaks. He wants to shrivel into the ground like a plant that doesn't deserve to grow. "I'm sorry."

She gives no sign that she heard him. He mournfully turns away.

Bretman, meanwhile, checks out the exhibits like a tourist on the Smithsonian circuit. He seems especially interested in Alex Wassabi for some reason. It's to be expected. After all, Bretman's curiosity is probably what got him mixed up in this mission in the first place.

Well, they can't sightsee forever. "What do we do?" Joey asks.

"Sis," murmurs Bretman, who's now touching the glass on Alex's exhibit, "I don't know."

_Of course you don't._ Joey's resigned himself to Bretman's presence on this mission, but he still hopes that he won't have to spend the whole time babysitting. _Seriously, Nikita, why did you bring him along? Don't you remember what happened to the_ last _best friend you had?_

Speaking of which, where are the other dead YouTubers? There are only eight here in this clearing. Between three nights, twenty-two of Joey's friends died overall. What happened to the other fourteen? What happened to Liza? She was the one who called for help in the first place! Where is she now?

He'll find her later. He'll find them all. But first, he'll free the ones that are here with him.

There's a strange magical energy coming from the stump, and Joey feels like he needs to break it somehow. Probably with this giant axe that just so happens to be here. He picks it up.

"What's that?" asks Bretman.

"I'm gonna try something," says Joey. "Okay?"

Bretman is noticeably apprehensive. "Joey..."

At this point, Joey's _done_ waiting to get his friends out of there. He raises the axe, screams, and swings it downwards. The stump splits in two. Magical energy cascades through the museum.

_"Joey!"_

One by one, the glass cases shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: It isn't an Escape the Night novelization if I don't spend a whole chapter talking about roles and clothing!


	3. The Fallen Guests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guests are set free. That's it. That's all that happens. Hey, at least it's different this time? I think?

Justine Ezarik, the Adventurer, is the first to be set free. Her long blonde hair is parted to the left, and her white blouse is decorated by a little green ribbon on its collar. Her snazzy grey tweed jacket and matching black pants make her look every bit the badass she could've been if she'd been allowed to live beyond the coffin that originally killed her.

The second one out is Timothy DeLaGhetto, the Con Man. His round spectacles are a new addition to his bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold persona, but otherwise, his outfit is the kind of craziness that only he could somehow pull off. A brown jacket with almost-invisible little white lines on it, a pale blue polo shirt, beige pants, and a gaudy red kerchief covered with yellow symbols...they _shouldn't_ go together, but they do.

Up next is DeStorm Power, the Enforcer. He's once again wearing a hat, but this time, it's a brown cap instead of the black top hat he had before. The rest of his outfit consists of a dark blue coat, a white shirt, a red tie, brown pants, and a pair of black gloves that take special care to expose his knuckles to the world.

Tana Mongeau, the Pin-Up Girl, screams as soon as she has her voice back. Two aspects of her look immediately call attention to themselves: her rose-pink cowboy hat, and her...well...assets. Needless to say, the platinum blonde beauty has gone all out with her low-cut pink top, her pink half-jacket-half-sash, her extra pair of pink sleeves, her short pink skirt with white fringe, her cowboy boots, and her black belt that's held together by a giant golden clasp.

Gabbie Hanna ducks to protect herself from the flying shards of glass all around her. The Hollywood Star shines in a dazzling pink evening gown that's accentuated by diamonds and frills, along with an intricate diamond necklace and enough earrings to shake a stick at. There are two colors in her short hair; its roots are their original dark brown, but the rest of it is the kind of blonde that exemplifies gold.

Moments later, Alex Wassabi, the Aviator, comes to life with a surprised expression on his face. Of course, he has an Aviator's jacket (because why _wouldn't_ he have one of those?), plus a pair of Aviator's goggles to match. He also has a white button-down shirt, khaki pants, and a white kerchief tied around his neck as the finishing touch.

Colleen Ballinger doesn't look too happy with her current situation, despite her especially lavish role as the Duchess. She sports a red dress with a pink ribbon on the collar, a long blue coat, and sparkling heels. A beige hat with a bow around its brim rests on top of her head, providing a decent contrast to her artfully arranged dark hair.

In the end, the final resurrection belongs to Rosanna Pansino, the Socialite. The brunette, still as short as ever, is clothed in a neat little navy blue dress with white buttons and white polka dots. Her long white coat trimmed with brown fur, her pearl necklaces, her white gloves, her heels, and her tiny-yet-proper fascinator complete her new appearance, but as soon as she smiles, it becomes obvious that she hasn't changed a bit.

Joey Graceffa and Bretman Rock watch in awe as their friends return from the grave. For Bretman, it's like something out of a Disney movie, something that he never thought could happen in real life, but for Joey, it's his wildest dream come true.

Dreams can become nightmares in the blink of an eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Not-so-happy reunions. Also, Colleen is righteously angry, DeStorm _still_ doesn't want to play nice, Alex punches a guy in the face, and Gabbie looks amazing.


	4. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey's found his friends, but not all of them are happy to see him again...

Almost all the YouTubers around Rosanna are dead, and so is she, but where _is_ she? Is _this_ the afterlife? Matt didn't say _anything_ about glass cases and strange museums. Where's the church? Where's the steeple? Where's the door? Where are all the right people?

_Something's wrong,_ her instincts warn her. _This isn't how it's supposed to be._

But Joey doesn't give off the _dead_ vibe that most of the others do; if anything, he's never seemed more alive. "Omigod," he gasps before beaming at the rest of the group. "It worked!"

Rosanna blinks. _It worked? What worked? What's Joey talking about?_

"You're in this too?" asks Alex, pointing at Bretman.

Joey's laughing with relief as he runs towards the Duchess. "Colleen! Omigod!" He tries to give her a hug.

"What's going on?" Colleen scowls and pushes Joey away. "Are you _serious?"_

The pieces click. _He came for us! He came to take us home!_ Rosanna doesn't know how Joey got into the..._wherever_ they are, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that Joey's here to help. _Oh, I_ knew _he wouldn't leave us to rot! He's a good person! I'm_ proud _to be his friend!_

The last thing that Justine remembers is being buried alive by some people who she thought were her friends. She might not know what's going on right now _(are we dead? are we alive? Joey, what did you do?)_, but whatever happens, she's positive that _nothing_ can be worse than what she's suffered. It's all uphill from here.

"Okay, listen." Joey raises his voice to silence the chattering collection of deceased Internet personalities. "We're at a Museum of the Dead. You all died, and we're currently in Purgatory. There's this evil Collector. She...she collected your souls, she brought you here to this Museum of the Dead..."

Gabbie, who Justine is pretty sure had long brown hair when they last met, interrupts the exposition. "Wait a minute. You died too?"

Justine's heart breaks when she sees the small brunette who answers "yes." _Oh, God, Ro, what happened, what did they do to you, why are you dead?!?_

"With him?" is Gabbie's follow-up question.

"Yes."

Gabbie points to each of the others in turn. "And you died, and you died, and you died?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." This from Tim. The sight of him chills Justine's heart and flashes her back to her early grave, but she comforts herself with the knowledge that, apparently, he got what was coming to him. "I was at his party, yeah."

"Yeah," says Justine in a small voice. "We went to dinner." _We went to dinner, and then Shane was poisoned, and then I couldn't save Andrea, and then they said I was_ evil _and they_ turned _on me and_ buried _me..._ She refuses to cry. The Gambler is as dead as the 1920s, and the Adventurer will never cry again.

Colleen doesn't forgive and forget. Colleen resents and remembers. If Joey thinks he can just waltz back into her (after)life like everything's sunshine and rainbows between them, then he's got another think coming. He is _not_ her friend anymore.

"Listen," he yells, "I'm here to _save_ you guys, okay?"

_"Save_ us?" shrieks Colleen. "You _killed_ us!" _You're the reason why we're dead! If it wasn't for you, I'd be at home right now with my family, instead of stuck as an exhibit in some stupid museum after being literally murdered by group vote. This is all your fault!_

Joey keeps talking. "I wish that I could go back and change it all, and that's why I'm here!"

_Go back and change it?_ It's all that Colleen can do not to laugh out loud at her former best friend's bullshit. _You're making it sound like an accident. Like, "whoops, I tripped and fell and pushed Colleen into a box of spikes, totally my bad, won't happen again!"_ "I don't trust anyone here, because if I recall, last time I saw you, everybody shoved me into a box of spikes and I was murdered!" _You wanted me dead. You got what you wanted. Don't pretend that you care._

"Sounds familiar," remarks Justine bitterly.

"Damn, that's how we killed Justine!" Tim exclaims. "That's crazy!"

Rosanna stutters her way through a sentence. "I watched...I watched Colleen die!"

"Oh, don't act innocent!" Colleen's not here for Rosanna's tee-hee-I'm-so-cute-I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly routine any more than she's here for Joey's lies. Not after Everlock. "You _literally_ pushed me into the box, Ro!"

"W-w-w-well, everybody did," stammers Rosanna.

Excuses. Those are all they have. Excuses won't take away the pain that Colleen felt while she was being shish kebabed by a thousand spikes in every part of her body. Excuses won't erase her screams. Excuses won't make it better.

_And you want to know the worst part? The damnedest thing of all?_

_I was pregnant._

She doesn’t know _how_ she knows this, but she knows that it's as certain as her name. If she had made it out of there, she would've had a baby boy, and she would've named him Flynn Stocklin, and he would've been the most precious little tyke in the whole world. Memories of him—of a child who doesn’t even _exist_—are _right there,_ in her head, as if they're real. They _should've_ been real.

But they're not. Because of Joey. He murdered her baby right along with her.

For that, she'll _never_ forgive him.

DeStorm's the "bad guy," so, of course, he already has murder on his mind.

_Alex Wassabi._ The whiny little punk who got him killed is standing across the circle from him, staring at him with his beady eyes. _I'll kill him. I'll kill him right now. I'll beat his ass six ways to Sunday before I let him do me like he did when we were alive. I'll double-death him. I don't care. This time, he's going down._

He points right at him. "Alex, I got a bone to pick with you."

"You know I killed both of you, right?" says Alex, whose voice is just as annoying as DeStorm remembers it.

"Yeah." Gabbie, DeStorm's one true ally, moves closer to him, and he protectively puts his arm around her shoulders. She jabs a finger at Alex. "That's why we're here, and you're there."

DeStorm briefly basks in the support of his friend before he belatedly grasps the meaning of this conversation. _So it's not just me, huh? Alex killed Gabbie too? Wonder how his face will look once I'm done punching the shit out of it._ He takes a deep breath to calm himself down. _Doesn't matter. We're back now. I'm invincible, cause I can cheat death. That fool won't get the best of me this time._

He thinks of his life. He thinks of his son. He thinks of all the time he's lost. He thinks of how badly he wants a second chance at life.

_Okay, Alex. Ready for Round Two? You_ better _be._

Joey's mission isn't going so well. As usual.

Tana points at him. "Did _you_ kill me?" she asks, a hint of betrayal mixed with the bewilderment in her voice, and Joey has to think for a second before he realizes that the answer is yes. _Well, technically, Andrea smashed the tablet, but I was there, and I didn't say no._

Justine squints at Gabbie and DeStorm. "I thought you died with Vine!"

"Okay, see, it's not all just me!" hollers Joey, desperate for the chance to paint himself in a good light. "We all played a role in each other's deaths!"

Colleen snorts.

This is _not_ the reception that Joey was expecting. He thought that they were going to give him hugs, kisses, and all the other things that rescuers usually get, but no. All he gets is anger. He doesn't like this.

_It's what you deserve,_ whisper his demons.

He stays optimistic. "There's a chance for us to come back to life. That's why I'm here to rescue you guys." _Please believe me._

Tana has a headache. So Joey killed them, but he's here to save them? How does _that_ work? Also, why did he and Andrea betray her to the ice guard's sword? She hadn't done anything to hurt them. She was _trying._

Is trying not enough?

"Listen, the Collector might be back soon," Joey continues, "so we need to get out of here."

That's _no_ help for Tana's head. _"Who_ is the Collector?" _Is Joey just inventing sentences now? Is that what's happening?_

"She goes to different eras, and she collects people and monsters and creatures, and you guys are one of her exhibits, okay?" rambles Joey, as if that makes sense.

Tana gives up trying to understand the situation and just goes with her gut. Said gut got sliced open by a sword because of Joey, so she's not inclined to think kindly towards him. "But how do we know we can trust you, Joey?"

"Well, why else would I be here?" Joey snaps. "To just laugh in your faces?"

"To kill us again! You literally killed us!" cries Colleen.

At this point, Tana agrees with Colleen. "I mean, you literally killed us all!" She was only nineteen. She hardly even got to live. Why should she put her second life in the hands of the man who cut her first life short?

Bretman joined this rescue mission because he didn't want Nikita to have to face a dangerous situation alone again. Talk about a monkey's paw wish! Now, she's safe (he thinks), but _he's_ stuck in Purgatory with Joey and a bunch of YouTubers who he last saw on the nine o'clock news. He's glad they're okay, but _bitch, this is_ so _not what was advertised. What_ is _this shit?_

"I'm with Joey," says DeStorm. "You can't double-die."

This prompts some "yeahs" and "that's trues" from the others.

"Well, actually..." Joey looks like he's choking on the rest of his sentence, and his sputtering puts Bretman on edge.

DeStorm narrows his eyes. "Oh, so you trying to double-death us!"

It doesn't take Bretman long to put two and two together. _Joey killed all these bitches!_ That bullshit the nine o'clock news fed them about all the serial killers was just that. Bullshit. _Joey's_ the _real_ serial killer. _Am I next? Am I gonna die?_ The Playboy frantically tries to recall the last time he told his family that he loved them.

"I swear, like, Nikita and Matt, they're gonna find a way to come and rescue us," Joey insists.

It's Gabbie who notices that Bretman's also here. "Wait, why were you with Bretman?"

Bretman shrugs. "Nikita said there was gonna be cute boys!" To be fair, she wasn't _totally_ wrong, but not even cute boys are worth dying for.

Gabbie shakes her head. "Where?" This is stupid. This whole thing is stupid. She can't even rest in _peace_ without getting dragged into Joey's shenanigans. _I already lost my heart to you people! What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? I suppose you'll want my brain next. Ugh. I'm cold. Where's the bathroom?_

"Well, I say all of us go our own way," suggests Colleen, "and Joey, you can die alone."

Joey clearly doesn't like that plan. "Listen, I'm here to rescue you guys!"

_"Rescue_ us? You _killed_ us!"

"Okay, everyone stop fighting!" Gabbie's had it up to _here_ with all this back-and-forth squabbling across the circle. If they keep this up, they'll be here all night. "I'm freezing." At least her outfit's hot. Also, wasn't her hair bluish-purplish when she died? Whatever. Blonde is cool too. "I look amazing, but let's figure this out."

Joey has the floor again. "Okay, listen. The Collector is gone right now. She might be back any moment now, so you guys need to follow me." He's talking faster than Gabbie can think. "We need to get out of here."

"Let's go!" Gabbie waves them forward. She's _so_ down for life.

"Well then, let's go!" agrees Colleen. "Where are we going?"

"Come on!" is Joey's only answer as he walks away.

The rest of the group follows him. Gabbie's right hand creeps to check her pulse, because if there's a pulse, there's a heart. Its quiet _thump-thump-thump-thump-thump_ improves her mood tremendously. _I have my heart back. I'll never let them take it from me again._

Alex never loved museums. He never _hated_ them either; they were just things that existed that he seldom thought about too hard. Now that death is a museum, he's not interested in sticking around for the guided tour. There's _way_ too much at stake.

He searches the group for faces from his last night alive. _Tana's here, and Gabbie, and..._ He grimaces. _DeStorm._ But that's it. Everyone else died before or after him (or, in Bretman's case, never died at all). _Where's Liza? Where's Jesse? Are Tyler and Andrea okay?_ His heart aches with anguished fear. _Where's Lauren?_

"Come on, you guys!" shouts Joey. "Hurry! We don't have all day!"

_I remember...I_ saw _her...I don't know where, but I_ know _she's here..._

All of a sudden, Egyptian guards surround them. Everyone gasps and/or screams.

"Omigosh! What is..."

"Who are _you?"_

"Oh, there's a lot of...omigod."

"These are the Collector's guards!" Joey screams.

Bretman smiles. "They're so cute!"

_He_ needs _to sort out his priorities._

One of the guards approaches Alex. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa!" In this moment, all Alex can think about is another guard, from another life, who grabbed him and pushed him down and murdered him in front of his friends. _I didn't fight back._ His chest burns with pain. _I won't make the same mistake twice._

He hauls off and punches the guard smack in the face.

"Alex, don't go near him!" yelps Joey. "What are you doing?"

Alex and the guard trade blows for about two minutes. Surprisingly, the Aviator gains the upper hand and manages to tackle the guard to the ground. _Stay down, you bastard!_ He's never felt more alive. _My friends and I aren't yours to kick around!_

But one of the other guards intervenes and pulls Alex away. Alex tries to kick and squirm out of the man's grasp, but to no avail. _No! Not again!_ His brain plays his death on repeat. He silently wills the rest of his friends to run.

_What kind of a crazy messed-up sort of afterlife is this?_ thinks Tim as he sprints for the hills. _I was promised angels or devils, not buff Egyptian dudes!_ As soon as he gets out of here, he'll rise up like Jesus Christ and tell everyone that all the stories are wrong.

But first things first: where's the exit?

He, Joey, Tana, Gabbie, and Bretman run away from the Egyptian dudes. Then there's DeStorm, who struts. _Damn, DeStorm._ Tim remembers the guy from their good old YouTube days. _Still got that don't-give-a-damn attitude, I see. Awesome._

Alex, Justine, Colleen, and Rosanna aren't so lucky. "They all got captured," Joey realizes aloud once the non-captured peeps are safely out of the Egyptian dudes' line of sight.

Tim's not worried about Alex. _Dude punched a guy in the face! If he can take care of himself, he'll be okay._ On the other hand, Tim _does_ feel bad that they left _so_ many ladies back there to get snatched up. They should've stayed to help the girls, instead of running (or strutting) off like cowards. Oh, well. They can always save them later. Right?

"What do we do now?" Tana asks.

"Let's go inside," urges Joey. "There are still some things I need to explain to you guys."

As the six YouTubers head for the entrance to the Museum of the Dead, Tim's mind wanders to the people from his particular death party. There were ten guests, counting himself. He's only seen one here so far (Justine, who he used to hate, but he's sort of over that feud now that they're all equally dead). No sign of Shane, Andrea, GloZell, Sierra, or Matt, and he doesn't know if Lele, Oli, and Eva made it out of that house or not. (He hopes they did, though. Especially Eva. It would _suck_ to die for nothing at all.)

The rest of these guys? _Totally_ weren't dead last Tim checked. Obviously, Joey's just a really, _really_ bad host.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Alex, Rosanna, Colleen, and Justine try their best to get themselves out of trouble. Also, an old acquaintance returns, and so do puzzles.


	5. Old Flames and New Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colleen, Rosanna, Justine, and Alex are locked away by the Egyptian guards, and as it turns out, they're not alone.

Colleen only _just_ got out of her exhibit ten minutes ago, and _already_ her museum experience has gone down the metaphorical drain.

She, Alex, Justine, and Rosanna are marched to a giant cage on the outskirts of the museum. A _fire pit_ cage, no less. They're shoved into it by the Egyptian guards, who all have those dumb just-following-orders facial expressions that Colleen hates.

Rosanna sums it up best. "This is _not_ the afterlife that I had envisioned!"

The cage is _disgusting._ Blood and bones are everywhere, and there's even a dead, skinless man on the ground. Colleen shivers at the sight. _How did he die?_ she wonders. _Did he starve to death in here? Did the guards kill him? Did a friend lie to his face and stab him in the back?_

But there's another (living) person in this cage as well.

"Who's this?" asks Alex.

_I know him..._

The man turns around, and he's exactly who she thought he was. "Holy shit." His dim brown eyes blink rapidly. "Is this real?"

_"Mortimer?"_ squeals Rosanna.

Mortimer was one of their two assistants back in Everlock. He was also Colleen's crush; hell, she almost _slept_ with him at one point (in her defense, she was in a depressive "we're never going home" mood at the time). But Colleen has a boyfriend who she's _sure_ would've been her husband, and she also has an unborn baby whose nonexistent birth she somehow still remembers, so she intends to keep things platonic with Mortimer this time around. No matter _how_ hot he is.

"Colleen?" Mortimer looks like he just woke up from a bad dream. "Rosanna?"

"Hold on, can I touch you?" chirps Rosanna. "Can I touch you?" Her fingers brush against Mortimer's, and she jumps back as if she's been stung.

Colleen frowns at her old almost-fling. "How did you get here?" she wants to know.

He's too overcome with emotion to answer her question. "Omigod...omigod..."

Before she knows it, his arms are around her again. She cautiously accepts his embrace, her mind and heart buzzing with more emotions than she can organize properly. _I don't love you anymore,_ murmurs some wounded part of herself, _but don't let me go. It's been_ so _long since someone gave a damn._

Last time Rosanna saw Mortimer, he was always, _always_ helping them. He was _so_ sweet. What awful thing brought _him_ to Purgatory?

"The Carnival Master killed me," Mortimer reveals as he pushes his long brown hair out of his face. "I..."

"So you're dead too," sighs Colleen.

Mortimer shrugs. "I woke up in this place."

Rosanna grimaces. "Omigosh." Hate is a strong word, and under normal circumstances, she doesn't like to use it. But she _hates_ the Carnival Master. If it wasn't for him, all of her friends would be happy and alive. Instead, they're gone. _She's_ gone. Forever? Maybe...

No. _Not_ forever. They're going to be okay. Their knight in shining armor will get them out of here.

(Joey Graceffa in shining armor is a surprisingly nice thought.)

"Where _are_ we?" asks Justine. Her friends seem to know Mortimer or whatever his name is, which is great and all, but they don't have time for happy reunions. They're in a _cage,_ for crying out loud! Enclosed spaces are _not_ good places for a girl with coffin PTSD!

"I don't know. I..." Mortimer chuckles ruefully. "I got locked up in here for 'bad behavior.'" He makes air quotes around his supposed crime.

"What did you do?" everyone asks at once.

Mortimer shrugs again. "I don't know. The museum's Collector doesn't really like me, I guess."

Justine has _many_ questions about the Collector and her enterprise. Why is there a museum in Purgatory? Who's coming to see these collections? Angels? Demons? Are there _tickets?_ If so, Justine demands residuals.

Rosanna, being Rosanna, stays as cheery as a chipmunk. "I think we can all get back home. I...I think we can get back. That's what Joey said."

"I haven't been able to figure out..." Mortimer interrupts himself mid-sentence. "Joey's here?"

"Oh, he's here, yeah," says Justine. _Joey. My old best friend. The one who tried to save me from the grave. I love him a lot, but why do I get the feeling that he's not the same boy who baked cupcakes with me so long ago?_

_I don't trust this guy,_ grumbles Alex internally, _and it's not because he's slightly better-looking than me._ "Wait, wait, wait." He raises his hand in a stop-everything gesture. "Okay, who _is_ this guy?"

"Well, he was with us last time we saw Joey, in Everlock, and we all got murdered," explains Colleen.

Alex doesn't want to think about murder. "Hey, guys, guys, we're still stuck?" he gently reminds his fellow captives.

"Sorry, okay, okay, too much talking," rambles Rosanna. "Get down to business."

Justine points. "There's a box. What's this?" She goes to inspect the lock.

"How many numbers?" Rosanna calls out.

"Oh." Alex understands now. "We gotta touch it." As much as he hated his time in the Victorian era (for _many_ reasons, all of them too painful to recount), he _will_ admit that he enjoyed solving puzzles and finding clues. If the house had focused more on the puzzles and less on killing almost everyone he ever loved before finally killing him too, he _might've_ had a good time.

"I _told_ you," one of the guards suddenly shouts, "shut your mouth, or I will cut out your tongue!"

Everyone gasps.

_Maybe we should plan our escape more quietly._ "Okay." Alex slaps on a nervous grin. "We gotta find some clues."

Justine's first thought upon discovering the locked box is _Oooh, this looks like something fun!_ Her second thought is _I'm not good at riddles and stuff like that, though, so I gotta be careful._ Hopefully, finding things will be easier than solving things.

"There's a number!" exclaims Rosanna. "There's a number! Alex! Alex! Justine!"

She's right. The number two is written in a little gold square on the ground. Justine smiles at her old friend before chanting "okay, okay, okay" like her own personal clue-hunting mantra.

Alex spots another number, which is in a gold circle this time. "Oh, six." He points. "Here's six."

"Oh, and here's another one," says Colleen.

"Wait, look at the shapes of the numbers." Alex's eyes bounce from number to number, the dark brown orbs widening with every bounce. "They're all different."

The problem is, while there are a bunch of different numbers on the ground, there are only three numbers on the lock. But the fact that all the numbers are inside of shapes _has_ to mean something...unless there's a two and two that Justine hasn't put together yet. "Okay." She straightens up her posture. "So there's a pile of skulls. Do we dig in them?"

"Maybe they're in the skulls!" proposes Rosanna.

"I don't know," Colleen responds. "Let's look."

So they look. "Oh, gosh, it's _so_ disgusting!" Justine complains, her stomach churning at the sight of all the human remains. Everything involving corpses, skeletons, and death in general is a total and complete turn-off for her now. _I guess that's what happens when you get buried alive._ Her knuckles turn bone-white at the memory.

Colleen is by _far_ the most active in digging through the bones and dirt. She first finds an egg, which she pockets, and then a small book. "You guys, there's a journal in here." She brushes off the guts. "Hold on."

Honestly, Justine respects Colleen _so_ much for just going in there. The Duchess is the kind of person who doesn't take anyone's crap, as she demonstrated to the group with her angry speech earlier. Justine wants to be like that—strong-willed, badass, unafraid to speak her mind. She doesn't want to be just another victim anymore.

There's a noise.

Could it be...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Where the rest of the gang went. Also, Joey's suspicious, and a bitch is back.


	6. No One's Ever Really Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey, Bretman, Gabbie, Tim, Tana, and DeStorm have avoided capture, but they can't avoid the ghosts of their past...

As she and her not-captured friends enter the creepy museum, Tana presses her palm against her forehead in a vain attempt to fix her headache. _I still don't know what's going on. I_ never _know, do I?_ She grimaces. _That's probably why I ended up here to begin with._

Joey tenses up. "Omigosh..."

The museum is littered with exhibits, including dinosaur skeletons, suits of armor, religious symbols, dead animals, and various other knickknacks from the past. It's not very interesting to Tana, because party-loving high school dropouts like her don't tend to do well in environments where they actually have to _learn_ shit, but she still keeps one eye open for a way out.

_Why does this Collector person want me as an exhibit, anyway?_ she wonders. _I'm not historically important. Is it because of my boobs?_

"So we're in a museum?" questions Gabbie. "Is this where the Collector put us?"

Before anyone can answer her, the group is confronted by a dangerously familiar face. "Look what the cat dragged in!" crows...the _Sorceress?_ Yup. There's no mistaking those piercing eyes, that deep V-cut, or that slasher smile.

Tana tilts her head in half-confusion-half-exasperation. _Oh,_ grumbles her brain, _so_ this _bitch is back!_

_Oh,_ hell _no!_ are Joey's thoughts on the matter. _Not the Sorceress! Not the woman who_ literally _stabbed me to death two years ago!_ The last thing he needs is another attack from the crazy architect of his second murder party, _especially_ after all the crap he went through to reclaim the life she stole from him.

"Last time we met, we _killed_ each other!" The Sorceress pulls a knife on the group as lunacy envelops her disgustingly beautiful face. "Shall we do it again?" It's not a question. It's a threat.

_"No!"_

As the YouTubers erupt into fast-paced, frantic talk-shouting, Joey freezes. His mind scrambles for an exit strategy, but he's too terrified to do anything except stand there and let Gabbie hide behind him. _I don't wanna die,_ whimper his survival instincts. _I came here to save my friends, not to die in Purgatory._

The Sorceress points right at him. _"You."_

Joey forces words from his lips. "I can't believe that you're back." He's a step away from reliving _hordes_ of nasty memories.

"Come here," she orders, beckoning him to her with a well-manicured fingernail.

But Joey knows better than to trust her, so he stays where he is.

When DeStorm last saw this Sorceress chick, she was screaming at him and his group about how none of them were leaving the place alive. In a way, it was almost true, but she still shouldn't have said it. _She's trouble._ He glares at her to show that he won't take her shit. _She gonna eat us for breakfast if we don't watch our backs._

Tana sounds as scared as shit. "Why does she looks so familiar?"

"She killed you, me, and DeStorm," Gabbie explains.

_Whoa, she took out a_ couple _of us,_ reflects DeStorm. _She took out Alex, huh?_ Not that he gives a _damn_ about Alex. Besides, he was _dead_ when Alex died. Leave it to death to make him miss all the good shit.

"Joey, I don't know how you did it," says the Sorceress, "but the exhibits are now loose, and the monsters inside them are not kind."

"So you stuck here just like us," DeStorm realizes. "You can't do nothing." _Huh. Maybe we can work with this. Enemy of our enemy, and all that._

The Sorceress sighs dramatically. "I _would_ use my powers, but I don't have my staff, okay?"

"Oh, you need our help!" Tim blurts out.

Gabbie arches one of her nice eyebrows. "So," she asks, "are you on our team now?"

"For now, yes," the Sorceress huffs.

DeStorm reaches out a hand to her and her weapon. "So put the knife down." He's not dumb enough to trust a bitch with a knife in the air.

"So why are you so _pissy_ about it?" Tana demands to know.

The Sorceress groans, rolls her eyes, and puts her knife away. She looks like a kid who's just been told not to play with knives. _Well, that's that,_ figures DeStorm. _I have to work with the Sorceress._ He sneaks a quick smirk across his face. _Until she turn her back._

If Joey _has_ to make an alliance with the woman who killed him, he might as well use the alliance to his advantage. "Do you know where the Collector is right now?"

"The Collector left this in her study where I was kept." The Sorceress holds a small object in her cupped hands. "It is all I know."

"What is it?" Joey asks.

"What is that?" DeStorm echoes.

The Sorceress doesn't respond. Instead, she holds the object out to Joey, who approaches it cautiously. "Last time I came near you, you killed me," he reminds her as he tries to take the object, "so...can..."

She pulls it out of his reach. Then, after a quick game of cat-and-mouse keep-away, she _finally_ hands the darn thing over.

It's an Onyx trinket. Joey can see that there are some gears on it. He's certain that it goes _some_where...but _where?_

Tim's a _master_ of positive thinking. Take that one night, for instance. Sure, he had some emotional setbacks, but mostly, he laughed, and he joked around, and he told everyone that maybe they'd catch a break eventually. He was Mr. Let's Keep Fighting. Mr. Don't Give Up.

What a hypocrite _he_ turned out to be.

As the group walks into the next room, DeStorm pulls Tim aside. "Tim DeLaGhetto?" He sounds like he's only just now realized that they're together again. "Boy, what you doing here?"

"I died too," Tim replies as he shakes his old friend's hand.

"Well, I knew _that,"_ says DeStorm. "Went to your funeral and everything. They shot you…" He frowns. "They shot you in the head?"

"Yeah, yeah." Tim points to the side of his head. "I got shot in the head when I died." He tries to make it sound like it's no big deal—_yup, just a headshot, what's up with you?_—in the hopes that no one will notice how much his hands are trembling. "How'd _you_ die?"

DeStorm is prevented from answering by Joey's shout of "Wait, that's her!" The Savant is pointing to a portrait. "That's the Collector!"

"What?" Tim inspects the painting. It's of a hot chick in a neat tribal outfit who's summoning green mist out of a jar. "Damn! She fine!" Suddenly, getting collected by her doesn't seem so bad. If a sexy goddess girl wants to keep him forever, well, who is he to turn the lady down?

Then again, it's probably not good. It's probably bad. Just like everything else about this place.

If there's one thing that Bretman's learned in the cutthroat beauty guru business, it's that the best way to deal with fellow bad bitches is to play to their egos. So when the Sorceress snaps "that pretentious _bitch"_ at the Collector's picture, he mm-hms and oohs in shallow agreement. _Better to make her feel important than to get a knife to the throat._

Joey, who is _not_ a beauty guru, reacts differently. "Girl," he complains, "you had the _same_ exact thing at _your_ mansion!"

"Right?" chuckles the Sorceress. "Isn't she a copycat?"

"She wanna be you _so_ bad." Bretman oozes his voice like butter in a _yas, queen, you're the best, now please don't kill us_ sort of way. He gets a smile from the Sorceress for his efforts.

There's a clock on display. Being the bad bitch that he is, Bretman decides to go look at the clock. A bit of observation pays off. "There's a gear right here that looks like...it was on there," he says, pointing out the gear in question to the rest of the group.

DeStorm scrunches his nose. "Oh, what the hell is that?"

"He's right." Joey brings the trinket over to the clock. "That _does_ look like it goes there." He slides it into place, and immediately, the clock's face falls off its perch and breaks against the ground. A note with a tiny picture of an Egyptian Pharaoh on it falls out as well.

"Oh, you _broke_ it!" fusses Tim.

_I solved the gear puzzle._ Bretman twists his lipstick-covered lips into a grin. _Guess I really_ am _ready for this shit._

There were _way_ too many notes in the Victorian era, so the fact that there is now _another_ one on the floor is setting off all kinds of warning bells in Gabbie's mind. _I swear to God,_ she fumes as Joey picks up the paper, _if this is another death game, I'm gonna_ actually _scream._

Joey reads the note.

_When the Armageddon Clock strikes the morning hour, all those outside their exhibit are burned to ash and sent to a final death in Hell._

_Wait..._ Gabbie gasps. _Hell?!?_

"That's the museum's self-defense system," says the Sorceress.

Now, Gabbie's been told _quite_ a few times that there's a special place in Hell for her. If _that's_ true, maybe it won't be _too_ bad, except for the one minor detail that she really, really, really, really, _really_ doesn't want to go there when she's only twenty-damn-six! She wants to have a little more fun before she gets sent to eternal damnation! She hasn't even filled up her quota yet!

_It's fine, Gab,_ she tells herself. _We just gotta free our friends, and then we can get out of here._ She struggles to believe it.

The Sorceress peeks through the window at the Egyptian guards, then turns back to the rest of the group. "The guards obey whoever is Pharaoh," she informs everyone, pointing to the Pharaoh symbol on the note. "That symbol is his sign. I've seen it. Come with me."

She starts walking. Gabbie's close behind, doing her best to ignore the menacing warmth on the back of her neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: A trio of YouTubers look for clues. Also, Tana is more than just a pretty face, Tim has no idea what's going on, and DeStorm must look badass at all times.


	7. Usefulness, or the Lack Thereof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim, DeStorm, and Tana team up. In the process, they each have to deal with the concept of usefulness in their own ways. Some do better than others.

"They just keep following this shit," DeStorm gripes to Tim as the group follows the Sorceress out of the room. "You know what I'm saying? They keep following this shit." _I know we gotta trust the Sorceress, but I ain't gonna merrily skip after her without a care in the goddamn world! I'm no idiot!_

"I don't know, man," sighs Tim. "I always learned never to trust strange white women."

Finally. After _way_ too long, DeStorm's _finally_ found someone (besides Gabbie) who understands the game. Timothy DeLaGhetto, the one true homie from way back before all this shit went down, is just as sneaky, savvy, and badass as DeStorm himself. To DeStorm, the Con Man's presence in the museum is a _real_ nice exception to all the general holier-than-thou bullshit from most of the rest of these jokers. Besides, Tim's _funny,_ and DeStorm could use a few laughs.

Joey takes command. "There's no time to mess around," he declares. "Bretman, Gabbie, come with me. We need to rescue our friends. The rest of you can go with the Sorceress to find out more about this museum."

Right. So DeStorm's on a team with the sketchy Sorceress, his old pal Tim, and Tana Mongeau. He remembers Tana as a girl with a pretty face and a nice rack, but not much going on in the brains department. She's _far_ from useful ally material. No wonder she got killed.

_Why couldn't Gabbie have gone with us instead?_ he groans to himself. _Now_ there's _a girl who knows what she's about._

Whatever. At least Tana's not Alex. _Anyone's_ better than Alex.

Tana is stuck with DeStorm and Tim. This blows, because DeStorm's the villain, and Tana doesn't know if Tim even knows what's going on. Needless to say, she's scared. _Very_ scared.

"You gotta come around the corner like this," jokes Tim as he punches a nonexistent monster around the corner of the hall.

_Yup. He's clueless. He'll be no help._

They walk into the hallway. "So this is where I saw the symbol," says the Sorceress, lazily gesturing to the Egyptian setting around them.

A tapestry on one of the walls catches Tana's eye immediately; it has some sort of half-human animal-headed creature on it. _I think that's a god?_ She looks behind the tapestry to find a small wooden door. It would be a good escape route, except for the fact that it's locked.

There's a sign next to the tapestry. "Here's the sign right here," notices DeStorm. "What does it say?"

"Where?" Tim asks.

_Literally right in front of your face,_ thinks Tana.

DeStorm reads.

_I was Pharaoh and ruled with wisdom before I was betrayed by those closest to me._

"I was betrayed by those closest to me as well," DeStorm apparently feels the need to proclaim, even though that's not even _close_ to the truth.

_In death, they've stolen my Ruler's Rod and separated me from the gods._

DeStorm wrinkles his nose. "What the hell is the Ruler's Rod?"

"Is that a hint?" Tim makes a face at the sign. "Is that a clue?"

Tana has next to _no_ faith in the boys right now. The problem is, she barely has any faith in herself, either. But faith's not important. Either the three of them figure this out, or they turn into ash and go to Hell...and although Tana knows that she’s done a _lot_ of bad stuff and might go to Hell for it, she _really_ didn’t think that it was going to happen this early. She's only nineteen, after all.

Her only hope is to do in death what no one let her do in life—step up, be useful, and prove herself to her friends.

The three YouTubers decide to hunt around the room for _anything_ that'll give them a clue about this Ruler's Rod. Tim's mind, however, is on other things, such as the girl he thought he'd marry someday. _Chia's probably moved on by now._ His heart aches a little, but he wraps it up in layers of look-on-the-bright-side tinfoil. _Good. She deserves it. I hope he treats her right, whoever he is._

"Think I found a Pharaoh under here, y'all," DeStorm grunts, emerging from underneath a table with a gold Pharaoh statuette.

"Mmm." Tim thinks that it's weird to leave statues lying around, but freaky Collector ladies will do what they do.

Tana finds another statue on a windowsill. "Wait." She grabs it. "So are we looking for all of these little statues?"

"Yeah," says DeStorm.

_No, man._ Tim's not too sure that the statue thing will get them anywhere. _This is too obvious. We gotta think outside the box. That's what got me so far in the 1920s. I thought about things people didn't think about, and I was right._ He wanders around the room, wondering what he _should_ be looking for.

"Okay, I have two," announces Tana, who just picked up a second statuette.

"I have two." DeStorm motions for Tim and Tana to join him, and when they do, he shows off the bottom of his new statue. "There's an ankh on the bottom. Let's set 'em up in one of these little canisters."

On second thought, maybe the statues _are_ the way to go.

DeStorm can't trust _nobody._ Not Tana. Not even Tim. In games like these, people will turn on each other at the drop of a hat, as seen in the way everyone in his old group (except Gabbie) threw him under the bus and into the pool. He _won't_ be the scapegoat again. Instead, he's taking the lead.

He walks over to an area where five canisters stand in a row. "So we only have four," he tells the others, counting both his two statues and Tana's two statues. "We need one more. Hurry up. Let's find the fifth one, y'all."

Tim mutters something under his breath. Tana's already taking a scary painting down to look behind it.

"Is it...?" DeStorm checks behind a stand, but finds nothing. "Dig 'em all up."

Tana tries to pick up a rock-ring object with her foot.

DeStorm returns to the center of the room, where he meets up with Tim. "Did you find any?" the Enforcer asks.

"Nope," says Tim nonchalantly.

_Aw, come on!_ Homie or no homie, Tim's couldn't-care-less attitude is beginning to get on DeStorm's nerves. _Find a damn statue, boy! I found two! Mongeau found two! You ain't finding any! Step up your game!_

Thankfully, DeStorm soon finds the last statue next to a mirror. "I got it."

"You found it?" Tana sounds honestly amazed.

"Yeah." _I'm a man of many surprises._ "Let's go."

Just as they're about to head for the hills, _another_ buff Egyptian dude with glowing eyes shows up. "Oh, oh, oh, a guard's coming," Tim panics, scrambling for the staircase. "He might take us away." Images of his captured friends flash before his eyes.

"Omigod, no!" cries Tana.

Tim, Tana, and DeStorm make their escape. When the coast is clear, they go back down the stairs, where they come across another sign. "Tim, read that sign right there," orders DeStorm.

_Aye, aye, captain!_ Tim puts his hands on the windowsill and reads the sign.

_"Gods of the Nile" Statues. Arrange the statues to face the mountain. Top to bottom, left to right._

"You said there was symbols on the bottom?" Tim takes a statue and turns it over. "These things. Do they mean anything?"

DeStorm stays expressionless. "Yeah, but not to me." He points. "That's the mountain. We can see the mountain."

"I mean, I'm _looking_ at the mountain." Ancient Egypt is _not_ Tim's strong suit. He knows about the pyramids, the Sphinx, and mummies, but that's all. If only there was a rap exhibit! He'd be _dope_ at solving _those_ clues!

"Shit," says DeStorm, "that's a great mountain."

_I'm glad you think so, man._

While DeStorm and Tim engage in guy talk, Tana sneaks off to the next room. _I gotta find clues,_ her heart whispers. _The more clues I find, the better off I'll be._ Usefulness is everything in this world, as she learned the hard way last time, so she wants to be nothing less than the most useful person in the group. That way, they can't hurt her ever again.

In no time at all, she finds a _very_ interesting tapestry. "Wait, wait," she calls to the boys. "On this tapestry, there's, like, these symbols."

"Let me go look," she hears DeStorm mumble, and before she knows it, he's heading towards her. "Yo, you can't be my girl if you can't get shit right."

_Who says I wanna be your girl?_ "You guys didn't even see this."

As soon as DeStorm sees the symbols, his eyes widen in pleasant shock. "Oh, _hell_ yeah!" He turns to look at Tana with newfound appreciation. "Didn't even see this!"

Tana basks in the glow of her own success. _Not so useless_ now, _am I?_

"This the paintbrush, the circle, the half circle, and the lady," notes DeStorm, signaling to each symbol in turn. "Got it."

"But there's five of them, though," Tim remarks.

"And no, this one's here." DeStorm points to the ankh in the Egyptian god's hand on the tapestry. "Look."

_So we need to find the statues with the symbols and put them in order,_ thinks Tana as she proceeds to do exactly that. _It's not rocket science._

Once that's done, a giant rug rolls down out of nowhere, causing everyone to shout "omigod" and "oh." DeStorm almost cusses, but trails off into a hissing sound at the last minute.

"Oh, what is this?" Tim snatches a rod from the bottom of the rug. "Do we take this?"

"That's the rod!" realizes DeStorm.

So it is. They have the Ruler's Rod, and now they can go meet up with the others. "Oh, we _did_ kind of do that," Tana crows to DeStorm on their way out the door. _Did I do okay back there? Am I useful now?_

"Well, we did kind of did." DeStorm throws his arm around Tana's shoulder. "You know, me and Gabbie haven't been getting along anyway."

Tana decides, right then and there, that if she wins everyone else's respect the way that she just won DeStorm's, she can die happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Joey, Bretman, and Gabbie try to rescue their captured friends, but nobody trusts Joey, so that sucks. Also, Justine has mixed feelings, and Bretman gets a chance to shine.


	8. Who Can You Trust?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the YouTubers continue to work their way out of trouble, Joey must come to terms with the fact that he isn't exactly the most popular person in Purgatory right now.

Joey, Bretman, and Gabbie walk outside to find and save their captured friends, but there are guards everywhere. The YouTubers resort to sneaking around; they hide behind a hieroglyphics display until the coast is clear, then tiptoe into the open like brightly colored rats. Joey can't believe that he's used to this.

"Where are we going?" whispers Gabbie. "You lead." She nudges Joey on ahead.

Within seconds, Joey spots the biggest cage he's ever seen in his life. In that cage are Justine, Colleen, Alex, and Rosanna. "Wait." The Savant gasps at the sight of his (thankfully unharmed) friends. "That's them."

Gabbie's voice lowers in pitch and volume alike. "Should we go?"

"We need to rescue them," Joey insists, because if he just lets them die again, what kind of an awful friend would he be?

He creeps towards the cage. Now that he's not being yelled at, threatened, or pushed around, he can truly appreciate his friends' aliveness. Alex Wassabi _(stabbed to death)_ is searching the area with his eyes, just like he used to do before Joey let him down. Colleen Ballinger _(impaled by the Maiden of Madness)_ digs through a bunch of bones, her face twisted into an expression of burning resolve, every inch the strong young woman she was before Joey betrayed her. Rosanna Pansino _(stabbed to death)_ serves up her speciality—moral support—with a sweet smile that makes Joey want to kick himself for allowing her to die. Best of all, Justine Ezarik _(buried alive)_ stands as tall as a queen, her beautiful blonde hair flowing over her left shoulder, no longer the scared girl who's haunted him for the last three years, but rather, a confident leader who seems to have tricked herself into believing that fear doesn't exist.

_I'm here._ He grabs the bars of the cage, acutely aware of the presence of Gabbie Hanna _(heart ripped out)_ and Bretman Rock on either side of him. _I came for you, Justine...Colleen...everyone...and I'm gonna save you. No matter what._

Alex is the first prisoner to notice the new arrivals. "Oh, Joey!"

"Joey's here," Justine remarks quietly.

"Listen." Joey clutches the bars like lifelines as he drinks in his friends' presence. "We're gonna try and get you out of here, okay? Did you find anything that can help us solve...?"

"We found an egg!" declares Justine.

"I found an egg," echoes Alex.

But Colleen glowers at Joey as if he's sentient pond scum. "You know what, Joey?" she snaps. "I think we're fine. We don't need your help." She's wearing her angriest smile. "You can leave."

_Colleen..._

He expected this from her. Out of all the people here, she probably has the most resentment towards him, and he understands why. He voted for her to die. He pushed her into the Maiden of Madness. He _killed_ her, and all because she called him out on his lies. There isn't a chance in hell that she will _ever_ forgive him, and frankly, he doesn't blame her. It's what he deserves.

But that doesn't mean that he isn't going to save her.

Only _now_ does he register that Mortimer is also in the cage. _Oh, great. Another traitor._ "Colleen! Come here!" _He's going to screw us over, just like he did last time. I have to warn everyone before it's too late!_

So Joey is back to bother Colleen again. Typical. Can't he take a hint? Doesn't he understand that they're not friends anymore?

She decides to ignore him. "You guys!" The journal she found inside the dead man has writing in it, as journals do, and it's definitely a clue of some kind. "There's a note in here! There's a note!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Alex gestures to Joey, who _still_ hasn't gone away. "He has something to tell us."

_Ugh._ Colleen drags herself to where Joey is peeking through the bars of their cage. _Fine, Joey. Whaddya want? Make it quick. I've got work to do._

Joey speaks in a harsh sort of hiss. "Don't trust him."

"What?

"Mortimer."

"Who is Mortimer?" asks Bretman, who is also here, apparently.

"Listen, Colleen," Joey grumbles, "I know we had our differences, but I'm telling you, he turned on us."

_Oh,_ that's _rich._ "And _you_ turned on _me!"_ Colleen doesn't know what Mortimer may or may not have done before he died, but when _she_ died, he was the only one to speak up in her defense. Of _course_ she's going to trust him over the guy who led the Kill Colleen Now crusade.

Joey gives up. "Okay, listen, we'll focus on it later. We need to work together. Let's see what we can find."

Colleen turns back to the journal."Okay, well, there's a note in here," she says, "so..."

"Okay." Joey lets go of the bars. "You guys solve that. We're gonna try and find a way to get out of here for you."

"Thanks for the help!" Drops of sarcasm fall from Colleen's lips, and she briefly fantasizes about using those drops to make a nice little pool so that she can drown Joey in it. _I don't believe him. He's a liar. All he ever does now is lie._

_We gotta save them from that jail cell!_ frets Gabbie to herself as she, Joey, and Bretman start looking around the area. _There were_ corpses _in there, for crying out loud!_ Friends don't let friends become corpses. Not again.

"How do we get them out of there?" Joey asks.

"I don't know." Gabbie nervously touches her two-toned hair, wishing that her new heart wasn't so damn loud. "Should we...?"

"Wait." Joey perks up. "What's this?" He strides over to a painting of some Egyptian god or other, which has five random holes next to it.

Gabbie scurries to catch up. "Wait, did you open it?"

Bretman reads the note underneath the picture.

_With my five eyes, I can see all things and keep the Pharaoh safe._

That rings a bell in Gabbie's mind. "The Pharaoh was the person on the card, right?" She uses hand motions to get her point across, gesturing to her open palm as if she's holding the card from earlier.

"Yeah," says Joey.

_But they've been plucked out by his betrayers and can no longer protect him._

Joey blinks. "So we need to find the five eyes."

Gabbie doesn't know who is missing an eye in the first place, but there are five of them, and they're all supposed to go in these five holes. Which means that she and her friends have to find them. _Oh, goody! Body parts that aren't in bodies!_ She twists her mouth into a painful grin. _My favorite!_

"We need to find the five eyes," repeats Joey. "Maybe they found eyes in theirs."

_Probably not, but it's an idea._ "Should we ask?"

One of the guards chooses _right then_ to leap into the scene. "Oh, hide, hide!" exclaims Joey as the three YouTubers run for cover.

"Oh, there's guards." Gabbie has a bit of trouble running away in her nice evening gown. _Well,_ she thinks, _at least now I know how Lauren felt._

"My goodness, Joey," Bretman complains as he tries not to get captured by actual Egyptian guards, "what did you drag me into?" _Come on this mission with us, they said. It will be fun, they said. There will be cute boys, they said!_ This is what he gets for letting his love of adventure, his friendship with Nikita, and his need for eye candy overrule his common sense.

_Oh, don't worry, Bretman. You're a bad bitch. There's still time to get this party going._

He hides with Joey and Gabbie until the guard passes by.

"Okay." Joey turns to face the others. "What's with the eyes, babe?"

"I mean..." Gabbie bites her lip. "Let's just start looking around, right?"

"Yeah," Joey agrees, and the three of them tiptoe out of hiding. They've barely gone two feet before Joey gasps "I think I found one!" and retrieves an egg from a nearby fountain.

"Wait a minute!" Gabbie whisper-shouts. "That looks like the egg that they found!"

Joey's eyes widen. "Oh! Let's go grab one from them!"

_What kind of thing would have five eyes?_ Bretman speculates. _Also, why am I looking for your eyes? Like, how is that my responsibility?_

Justine, who's currently trying to forget about the wounded look in Joey's cloudy blue eyes, peers over Colleen's shoulder as the Duchess reads the journal aloud.

_The Collector of the Dead once ruled a kingdom among the living. But she wanted to break the circle of life and gain immortality. She discovered the secret of eternal life with the Cosmic..._

"Fear?" Colleen squints at the page. "Sorry. It's real dirty. There's lots of blood."

"It's a little dirty," notes Justine. "This has been around." _This is why you shouldn't leave your journals in dirty cages like this._

Colleen frowns. "And a little bloody. Can someone get that dirt off?"

Rosanna attempts to scrub the dirt away with her finger. She only succeeds in making the page dirtier than before. Justine sighs. She loves Rosanna to pieces (hell, when they were still alive, they were practically sisters), and honestly, the little Socialite is too good for such a disgusting place.

"Oh, we're making it worse," gripes Colleen. "We're making it worse."

Justine sighs again. "We are. Oh, gosh."

Colleen tries to read the journal once more.

_She discovered the secret of eternal life with the Cosmic Sphere._

"Guys!" Joey's back, and he has another egg with him. "Guys! We need to find five of these!"

Colleen's mouth drops open. "We just found one of those!"

"Oh, give it to us," says Joey.

But Justine's panic at the possibility of losing one of their clues overrules her affection for Joey. "No, no, no! Don't give it to him!" Sure, Joey's her best friend in the world, but what if Colleen's right? What if he _is_ trying to kill them all again? From the sound of it, he's hurt a _lot_ of people since Justine died. How does she know that he won't hurt her too?

Joey looks totally thunderstruck. "What do you _mean,_ 'don't give it to him?'"

"We must need it to get out of here!" Justine cries. _Please, Joey. I need to believe you. If you're_ really _here to make things right, prove it!_

As far as Alex is concerned, the group's distrust of Joey is slowing them down. If they're going to get out of here, they _can't_ squabble like this. They have to work as a team. If that means sharing clues with Joey, then he'll hold his nose and share.

He offers the egg to Joey.

"Alex, _no!"_ screams Justine.

Poor Joey seems to be getting more annoyed by the minute. "We're trying to rescue you!" he contends through gritted teeth.

"You're trapped in," Gabbie points out. "We can't do anything."

_Enough talk._ Alex gives Joey the egg. _Just do what you gotta do._

"Alex!" Justine screams again, louder this time.

"Thank you," mumbles Joey.

Alex shakes his head. "We gotta work together!" This is the Victorian era all over again. Everyone's wasting valuable time blaming each other instead of focusing on the task at hand. It didn't help anybody back then, and it _certainly_ won't help anybody now.

"We're gonna get you out of here!" Joey sounds more sincere than Alex has ever heard him sound before. "We promise!"

_Promise accepted, friend._

Now that Joey's gone, Colleen can get back to work. "Okay, you guys." She peruses the journal. "All the things we've seen on the ground are in here. So there's this square...a sphere...stars...all these words are in here."

"Star." Rosanna wriggles away. "Okay, find the star."

Colleen rereads the journal. "The Collector of the Dead once ruled a kingdom among the living. But she wanted to break the _circle_ of life! Circle's the first one!"

"Oh, here's...okay?" Justine's obviously flustered. "Circle?"

Rosanna darts back towards the circle they found earlier. "The circles are sixes. That's a six!"

"There's a circle," says Alex. "Yeah, they're sixes. They're both sixes."

"Ready to square off," continues Colleen. "Oh, to _square!"_ _This is all a bunch of puns!_ "Square's the second one!"

"There's a two!" yells Justine, pointing to the square on the ground.

"Two! A two! A two! And the last thing is stars." Colleen doesn't remember seeing any stars anywhere. "Is there another one?"

It's Alex who finds the star. "Here, here, here! Seven!"

"Seven!" cheers Colleen.

"Got it!" Alex crows.

Now that they have the combination, they can enter it into the lock on the box, so that's what Justine does. "Six, two, seven." The blonde gasps loudly when the box clicks open.

Everyone cheers.

Colleen jumps for joy. "We did it!" She feels a twinge of happiness for the first time since _long_ before her death.

Justine opens the box. Inside, there's an egg, along with a decorative cube. The cube doesn't open or break apart; it's an actual solid box. What is it here for? How will it help them escape?

_Even Justine,_ Joey's heart wails as he takes the two eggs back to their empty holes. _Even Justine doesn't trust me anymore._ He's accepted that Colleen's a lost cause, but if he can't win Justine back, he might as well forget about redemption altogether.

_It was all for her..._

"We have two of the five eggs," he tells Bretman and Gabbie, and with a _clink,_ he puts both eggs back where they belong. "All right, guys. We need three more."

A ten-second search turns up nothing, so they return to the cage. "Did you guys find another one?" Bretman asks the imprisoned YouTubers.

"Uh..." Justine's conflicted expression nearly tears itself in two. "Maybe."

"Yes! We got another one!" rejoices Rosanna.

Bretman peeps through the bars. "Okay, can we have it?"

Justine reluctantly hands the egg over.

"Thank you." Bretman smiles. "Thank you, Justine."

Joey catches Justine's attention, just for a moment, just long enough for him to recognize the pleading faith in her blue eyes. _She wants to trust me,_ he realizes. _I gotta be someone worthy of her trust._

As she keeps an eye open for eyes (which aren't _actually_ eyes, thank God), Gabbie casually wonders if DeStorm, Tana, and Tim are doing okay with whatever it is they're working on. She hopes so. She doesn't know Tim, like, at _all,_ but Tana was a good friend of hers, and DeStorm...well, he had her back last time. They _got_ each other.

_If that Sorceress bitch hurts_ either _of them..._

"This is crazy!" Joey groans. "How are we supposed to find all these eyes?"

Bretman places the third eye with the other two. Then, he looks up, freaks out, and sprints over to where Gabbie's standing. He's going so fast that he's almost skipping.

_Oh, damn, the new kid can run._ "What's going on?" Gabbie asks.

"The guard," responds Bretman.

Gabbie mishears him at first. _"Who's_ gone?"

"The _guard!"_ Bretman waves a hand at an Egyptian guard, who's heading straight for them. "Bitch, the _guard!"_

As if on cue, the guard surprises them. "You think you could hide from me?"

Mayhem breaks loose. Bretman's off like a shot, careening through the patio like a seasoned racer. Gabbie tries to follow him, but before she gets the chance, the guard grabs her arm.

_No!_

"No!" shrieks Joey from wherever he's hiding. "Gabbie!"

_"No...no...listen! No!"_

Gabbie screams like a dying girl; maybe it's because a part of her is convinced that she's about to be murdered. Her terror paralyzes her, allowing the guard to take her away without much of a fight on her part. By the time she's regained her senses, she's stuck in the cage with the rest of her captured friends.

_Where the hell did he come from?_ is her first coherent thought post-flashback. _But really, how can you blame him for grabbing this?_

Bretman's scared. _These guards are just snatching bitches up like it's nothing! What if they come back for me?_ He wishes Nikita was here. Nikita, the baddest bitch he knows, could take them _all_ down. She wouldn't even break a sweat.

But he doesn't have Nikita. He just has himself and Joey "Possibly a Serial Killer" Graceffa.

This isn't good.

"Bretman, if one of us gets captured, we're _so_ screwed!" Joey's breathing heavily. "We need to stick together!"

He's right. Yeah, Bretman doesn't know if he trusts Joey anymore, but at this point, the Savant is all he's got. Bretman's not enough of a badass to face Purgatory alone. "Okay. We need to find two more." He does a quick scan of the courtyard, and he spots something that he overlooked before. "Joey, there's stairs leading down. Do you think that's where we gotta go?"

"Probably," says Joey.

That's all that Bretman needs to hear. "Then let's go."

So the boys follow the stairs. "Oh, what is this?" Joey murmurs as they descend.

As it turns out, there's another egg waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs, nestled tightly in the mouth of an Egyptian bust. Bretman gasps. "Yes!" He plucks out the egg, then pats the bust on the head. "Thank you! I love you!"

The bust does not reply.

While Joey goes back to put the fourth egg with the others, Bretman explores more stairs; this time, though, the stairs in question are going up instead of down. "Are we allowed up there?" worries Joey when he sees what Bretman's doing.

Bretman trusts his gut. "I feel like it could be up here."

And there it is, nestled inside an overhanging light.

"Bretman," Joey squeals, "we did it! Oh, we got the fifth egg!"

Every last trace of Bretman's fear is gone with the Purgatory wind. "Bitch, we out here!" _Who needs Nikita? I can be a bad bitch all by myself!_

"Yes!" Joey's beaming like a fool as he places the last egg. "Here we go!" The chest opens. "Oh! What's this?"

Inside the chest is a _gorgeous_ headpiece, and Joey, of course, immediately puts it on top of Bretman's head. Bretman basks in his fabulousness. "Bitch, if the others could see me now..."

They also find the key to the jail, and that's _just_ as fabulous. Now, at last, they can stage a jailbreak, so it's back to the big cage for them.

Rosanna sees them right away. "You got a key?"

"Yes!" Joey confirms. "We got a key!"

"He got a key!" Rosanna tells the others.

Soon enough, everyone is free. _It's kinda like the princess saving his king,_ Bretman giggles inside as he watches Alex walk though the door of the cage. _I'm like Peaches, and he's Mario!_

Maybe this rescue mission won't be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Same game, different night. Also, Gabbie jumps to conclusions, Rosanna wants to have faith, a striptease is considered, and the Sorceress is a terrible person.


	9. One Last Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now it's time for the part where the gang finds out that most of them are gonna die. Again. Some rescue mission _this_ is turning out to be!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, gang! CinderScoria, being an absolute angel who we don't deserve, created a TV Tropes page for this novelization series! It doesn't have any tropes yet (or at least it didn't last I looked at it), but just the fact that it exists is a dream come true as far as I'm concerned. The link is [here.](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/EscapeTheNightNovelization)

Somehow, no one in Joey's group gets caught by the guards on their way back inside, and in Rosanna's opinion, this is nothing short of a triumph. _That cage was icky,_ she reflects. _I never wanna see it again._ Thankfully, she's ninety percent sure that she won't have to.

Once they're back inside, they run into Tim, Tana, DeStorm, and a strange woman who Rosanna's never seen before.

Tim raises an eyebrow at Mortimer. "Yo, who's this?"

"Who is _this?"_ questions Tana.

"Wait, wait, wait." Alex scowls at the mystery woman. "Is she a friend? What's happening?"

"I mean, she kind of helped us out," says Tim sheepishly.

_Oh._ Rosanna gulps. _This must be the lady Gabbie mentioned when she was with us in the cage. The Sorceress, right?_ Gabbie brought the Sorceress up about two seconds before Joey and the others came to save everyone. _I heard she killed some people! But evidently, everyone's all right with it? Uh..._

She doesn't like it when she has to question things.

Everyone gets acquainted with the two...helpers? Is that what they are? Joey still doesn't trust either of them as far as he can throw them. Why couldn't they have gotten Calliope back, or Alison, instead of the villainess and the traitor?

Gabbie points at the Sorceress. "She's friends with Mortimer," the Hollywood Star observes.

_Another reason not to trust him!_ Joey jabs a finger at Mortimer. "He—"

"Mortimer's nice!" insists Colleen.

"No, he's not!" Joey shoots back. "Listen!"

Colleen's not listening. "He _helped_ us!"

Joey wants to bang his head against the wall. Of _course_ Colleen doesn't get it! Not only does she hate Joey's guts, but she also has a crush on Mortimer! No wonder she's taking the traitor's side! "Colleen," he tells her, "after you died, he turned on me and my friends."

"Why should I trust you?" Colleen retorts. "You murdered me. He helped me!"

Before Joey can say anything else, Mortimer speaks in his own defense. "I was just trying to save my town, all right?" His expression towards Joey is between a glare and an appeal. "I mean, are _your_ hands so clean, Joey? Why are we all here?"

"That's a good point, Joey," admits Tim.

Justine squirms. "That's what we've been saying..."

"Okay," Joey snaps, "but I'm here to make things right!" _I don't need to be reminded of my flaws by someone like him._

"Well, maybe I can help!" responds Mortimer.

Sadly, Joey's hands are tied. He _has_ to let Mortimer and the Sorceress help them. "I still don't trust either one of you, okay?" he snarls at their new assistants, just to make sure that they understand the hill they have to climb.

"I don't trust _any_ of y'all," is DeStorm's contribution to the argument.

Tim mm-hms in the background.

Joey's done with this. "Okay, listen." He turns to the other group. "What did you guys find?"

At last! It's Tim's time to shine! "I got a stick!" He shows it off to the group.

"I got a box," says Alex.

Joey holds up a headpiece. "And I have a gorgeous bird."

_A stick, a box, and a gorgeous bird walk into a bar,_ Tim jokes to himself. _There's a punchline somewhere. We just gotta find it._

"Guys." Justine points at the bird. "Let's just put that on top of the stick and see what happens."

So they do. As soon as the bird is placed on top of the Ruler's Rod, it lights up red, and Tim feels the power. _Sweet!_ "There's a note," he notices for the first time while staring at the words on the rod.

_This rod helps control the guards._

If Tim didn't care about keeping up a decent reputation, he'd evil-laugh like the greatest supervillain in the world. _We can control the guards, eh? Make them do whatever we want them to do?_ He has several ideas already. Most of them involve cringey Internet trends.

"All right." Joey takes the rod and heads for the door. "Let's go."

"Nope!" Colleen exclaims.

_Aw, come on, Colleen. Don't you wanna see the guards dab?_

So, supposedly, this big stick that lights up is going to make all of the giant guards just bow down to them? Tana doubts this idea. She doubts it very much. More likely, the guards will just capture them again. Or worse.

The group enters the courtyard. Joey leads the way, his scepter held high, his mouth pressed into a thin line of reddish-pink. The guards, as it turns out, are all together, and when they see Joey, they prepare to attack.

"Hey!" shouts Joey. "I have the scepter!"

Alex moves forward as the guards come closer. "Joey, watch out..."

"Oh, gosh," Joey whimpers.

But apparently, the big stick that lights up actually _does_ make all of the guards bow down to them, because that's exactly what happens. The YouTubers make various exclamations of surprise and approval at the sight. Tana, especially, grins harder than she's ever grinned before.

The head guard speaks in a low voice. "What do you command?"

Tana feels very, _very_ powerful right now.

_What do we command?_ Bretman waggles his eyebrows mischievously at the shirtless guards. _The possibilities are endless!_ He happens to catch a look at Gabbie's face, and he can tell that she's thinking the same thing.

Joey, however, is more uncertain. "What do I command...?"

"Have them dab," suggests Tim.

"Help us." Colleen shrugs. "I don't know."

Finally, Joey makes up his mind. Although he doesn't go with Bretman's first choice, his order is effective nonetheless. "I command you to go into the prison!" he orders the entranced guards, pointing at the cage that once held their friends.

"Wait." The Sorceress points at the head guard. "What's that key around his neck?"

The key is on a necklace, and it's _gorgeous._ Bretman would _totally_ wear it to a gala or something like that. From the looks of it, Joey agrees, since he takes it before saying "Okay, go to your prison. I command thee."

So off the guards go to the cell, and Joey locks them up. Bretman feels _much_ better now.

"Let's go back," says Joey. "They're all locked up."

"Can they tell us where to find some food?" DeStorm wants to know.

"I have breast milk," offers Colleen.

_What the hell?_ thinks Bretman. _What for? You weren't..._ He frowns and cocks his head at Miss Miranda Sings. _Were you?_

"All right, guys," barks Joey, "we need to find out where this key goes."

One by one, ten YouTubers disappear into the museum. But in their eagerness to find answers, they neglect to consider the Sorceress, who remains outside with a crafty smirk on her face. As soon as the coast is clear, she whips out her trusty knife and marches towards the guards' new prison.

Mortimer steps outside just in time to witness her wicked ways.

"You messed with the _wrong_ bitch," the Sorceress growls through the bars of the cage. She stabs the head guard right in the chest. "This museum should be _mine!"_

As she withdraws her blade, the head guard gurgles piteously before falling into a lifeless heap on the already-bloody ground. Mortimer, who has seen _quite_ enough, returns indoors to rejoin better company.

Justine's barely back inside before she gets some bad news, courtesy of Joey and his nice new clock.

"That's the Armageddon Clock." Joey points to the clock in question, which is up there among the top ten creepiest clocks in the world for _sure._ "Once the sun rises, if we're not out of here, we're all gonna turn to dust."

"And go to Hell," adds Gabbie.

_The clock's gonna turn us to dust and send us to Hell._ Justine chortles nervously. _Haha. Cool. Great._

"What do we have?" Colleen's attention shifts to the brightly colored box in Gabbie's hands, which has a cat hieroglyphic etched into its side. "We have a cat on the box."

Gabbie inspects the box. "We have a cat on the box...a pillar..."

"Gabbie, Gabbie, look!"

This small cheep comes from Rosanna, who's pointing at the top of a table. _Ah, Ro._ Justine smiles despite herself. _At least my sister from another mister is still the same sweetie pie she's always been._ Her smile shifts into a frown. _If only we weren't dead..._

"What is it?" asks Gabbie.

"It's a hieroglyphic," Rosanna replies. "Like from the box."

Justine doesn't know crap about hieroglyphics, or ancient Egypt for that matter, but she gets the feeling that she's about to learn everything there is to know.

The symbol on the table is the same symbol that was on the box-within-a-box. _Oh, this is something!_ cheers Rosanna to herself as she proudly shows her find to the others. _A clue!_

"Do we match it up with this?" asks Justine.

"Maybe." Rosanna thinks for a moment. "Maybe we set it on here." It's as good of a option as anything else.

Gabbie sets the box down on the table. Immediately, a painting unhinges itself from one of the walls. Everyone gasps.

"Okay," says Alex, "something's going on over there."

Mortimer and Gabbie work together to take down the painting, and they uncover a huge custom vault with a bunch of keyholes in it. Rosanna's certain that they'll need Oceans Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, _and_ Fifteen to get into _this_ vault. _That's_ how fancy it is.

Mortimer gestures to the back of the painting. "Look. A note."

_Oh, dear._ Notes are _not_ Rosanna's friends in such a creepy place.

Gabbie grabs the note, brings it over to the couch, swallows her mounting apprehension, and reads it aloud.

_For hundreds of years, the Collector of the Dead has been stealing the souls of monsters and storing them inside her museum in Purgatory. You are her latest find, and she would like to keep you forever. But there might be a way out._

_Within her iron vault lies the Cosmic Sphere, which has the power to reshape space and time. But the vault can only be opened with the nine jeweled keys, which are hidden among her exhibits. To retrieve them, you must unravel the evil mysteries of her museum and vote on two who must undertake a challenge that will end in a final death, for which there is no return._

_Again, be swift. The Collector will be back soon with her most frightening exhibit yet._

It's Gabbie's worst fear come true. They're going to "double-die," as DeStorm put it, and then they'll probably go to Hell for a nice dose of eternal torture. _Dammit._ She's shaking like a tub of jelly. _God freakin' dammit. Why did Joey even bother? I didn't have to deal with this crap when I was on display!_ And _I looked hot! Win-win situation, if you ask me!_ Her heart picks up speed in her chest; it's probably having a fight-or-flight response to her predicament.

"So we're all gonna die again," says Alex flatly.

"No, no, no!" Justine squawks. "We gotta find the keys!"

Rosanna aggressively fans herself with her gloved hands. "Omigosh..."

In a panic, Gabbie lashes out at the man who's allegedly here to rescue her. "Joey, you promised us that you were helping us, but we're all gonna die again one by one?" _I don't wanna die...not again...it hurt too much the first time around..._

At this point, Joey is about eighty-five percent convinced that the universe is actively conspiring to drive him insane.

He came to save them. _All_ of them. He was supposed to make things right by bringing back all the people who were taken from him. But now, _right_ after he found his friends, just as he was _stupidly_ developing hope, it's all fallen back to square one. The dead will die again. He might as well have never come at all.

It's bad enough that his poor deceased friends will have to do this _twice,_ but to make matters worse, he's pushed Bretman Rock directly into harm's way. Bretman isn't prepared for this game. He's neither played nor died. The poor kid doesn't stand a snowball’s chance against the dead. If/when he dies, it'll be Joey’s fault for not sending him home when he had the chance.

But even now, as he's freaking out, he tries his best to convince his friends that everything is going to be all right. "It's fine," he assures them. "I promise that the Society Against Evil will get here before we even have to do any of that."

"What do you _mean,_ it's fine?" wails Tana.

"Oh, yeah!" mutters Tim. "We're good!" It's unclear if he's being sarcastic, optimistic, or both.

Justine (thank _God_ for her presence) gets them back on track. "Let's find the keys."

"Okay," agrees Gabbie.

_"This_ guy," grumbles DeStorm.

Luckily, Joey already has a key. As he goes to use it on the vault, he gives Justine a cautious smile, silently thanking her for taking the heat off him and his misdeeds. She hesitates, then smiles back at him. It's the first time that he's seen her smile since _long_ before she was buried alive.

He'll fix this. For her. For everyone.

Now that it's been confirmed that this is another damn death game, DeStorm runs through his usual mantras in his head. _I'm the best. I'm invincible. They can't hurt me. They need me._ Of course, this shit didn't work last time, but what's he got to lose?

Joey tries his key, but it does absolutely nothing.

"This kinda looks too small, man," Mortimer points out.

The Savant's whole damn mood falls apart. "That's not the key?"

"I don't know if that's one of the keys," answers Mortimer.

"Dangit!" Joey pouts. "Then where the hell does this key go to?"

Well, DeStorm's sitting on some information from his little trip with Tim and Tana, so why _shouldn't_ he throw it against the wall and see if it sticks? "As much as I don't wanna help y'all," he confesses, "when we was looking for the Ruler's Rod, I saw a door at the end of the hallway, and it had a key hole in it, and it looked like it might fit the key."

Rosanna gasps, claps, and jumps up and down like a bouncy toy.

"Let's go," decides Joey.

So off they go. "DeStorm," declares Bretman on the way out, "that was so hot!"

"Look at you being a team player!" Rosanna chirps affectionately.

"Good for you!" Even _Alex_ is singing the Enforcer's praises. "I thought you were a villain!"

It feels _so_ nice to be appreciated by his teammates for once, but DeStorm's no idiot. He knows that this can't last. Any chance that he had at being anything more than the bad guy died with Lauren Riihimaki. "It'll never happen again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Our heroes take a trip to ancient Egypt, where they awaken a mummified pharaoh who's out for blood. Whoops. Also, Tana finds an ankh.


	10. Flight Into Egypt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang's going to Egypt! Sadly, there's no time to be tourists, because an angry spirit must be appeased.

Alex doesn't know how to be happy anymore.

Sure, he knows how to smile, because _if you're not smiling, you're doing it wrong,_ and he knows how to make the best of a bad situation, but happiness is a distant concept that died a nasty death in the Victorian era. That house took _everything_ from him. First his girlfriend, then his friends, then his hope, and finally, his life. How can he _ever_ recover from such a devastating experience?

Now, he's semi-alive again, but he's stuck in another death game with all his lost friends, most of whom will die permanently. At least Lauren isn't here. At least the universe spared him _that_ agony.

Speaking of Lauren...where _is_ she?

_I know I saw her..._

"Wait, DeStorm, lead the way," says Joey as the group travels down the hallways of the museum. "I have no idea where it is."

DeStorm marches on like an especially proud soldier. Alex remembers the Enforcer from when he was the Railroad Tycoon, but back then, their relationship was _anything_ but pleasant. _He killed Lauren._ Alex's hands clench into fists for a split second before relaxing into open palms again. _So I killed him._

Now, here they are again. Is DeStorm still Alex's foe? Will they end up reigniting the war that tore them both apart?

Only time will tell.

As always, DeStorm's right.

When they reach the Power Door, Joey puts the key in its lock, and he opens it. On the other side of the door is something straight out of Egypt. There are busts, a sarcophagus, organ jars, statues of jackal-headed gods, and even one of those damn Pharaoh masks. _Well,_ thinks DeStorm, _this sure is a museum._

"Guys," realizes Joey, "it's an exhibit."

"Oh, this is where she keeps the _good_ stuff," Alex snickers.

_Good stuff?_ DeStorm frowns at his rival. _Boy, don't act like you know the streets._

Gabbie starts spotting shit right away. "Guys, there's a box with a lock on it over here."

At the same time, Alex shouts "Oh, clue!" and motions towards a piece of paper underneath a statue. "There's paper. Paper." He examines the statue with wide eyes. "Whoa, look at all these symbols."

"No way," gasps Justine. "This is wild!"

DeStorm doesn't see what they're all so impressed about. It's just the Egyptian exhibit. Haven't these idiots ever been to a museum before?

Colleen grabs the note. "An-uh-bis?"

"Anubis," corrects Alex.

"Anubis," Colleen repeats. "Thank you."

_Anubis, god of the dead, holds the soul of the deceased Pharaoh. If the Ankh of Life is placed on his sarcophagus and surrounded by those with clear minds, and the chants spoken, a doorway can be opened to learn the secrets of his death._

"And then there's a chant down here that we have to say." Colleen points first to the chant and then to the diagram at the center of the note, in which a bunch of people are holding hands in a circle around a sarcophagus. "Well, look, if there's all these people surrounding, like, a Pharaoh...I think that needs to be us."

"You gotta surround and hold hands," grumbles DeStorm. _This is some Kumbaya shit. I ain't about that life._

It's another death game. Usefulness matters now more than ever. If Tana doesn't want to end up super-dead, she needs to prove her worth as soon as possible. So where's the Pharaoh?

"That's that," says Joey, waving at the sarcophagus in the center of the room. "Right there."

Colleen's still poring over the diagram. "So we need to find an ankh," she remarks, "and then we have to surround...this."

"Wait, what's the ankh?" asks Gabbie.

They all start looking around the room. "Ankh," Alex repeats to himself. "Ankh."

Rosanna gestures to an object that is _clearly_ not an ankh. "Is _this_ an ankh?" She pronounces it "unk."

But Tana knows what an ankh is. Tana remembers the little symbol on the diagram. _It's like a cross with a loop at the top,_ she tells herself as she searches the exhibit. _If I can find it, maybe I'll earn their respect._

And find it she does. The ankh is hidden in an abandoned corner, ignored by all except for Tana, who snatches it up as soon as she sees it. "Guys," she shouts, hope engulfing her heart, "I found the ankh!"

Everyone cheers and/or makes surprised noises.

"That's right, bitches!" Tana triumphantly twirls into the center of the room, holding the ankh over her head like a trophy. "Read it and weep!" _Useless little Tana found the ankh! Bet you didn't see_ that _coming, huh?_

Joey, the boy who helped betray her, now stares at her as if he's seeing her—_really_ seeing her—for the first time.

"Okay, so we gotta put it on his sarcophagus," instructs Colleen.

Alex points to a spot on the sarcophagus. "Just hang it right there."

Tana steps forward to hang the ankh. "I'm scared," she squeaks. "I'm really scared." _What if a monster's about to pop up? I don't wanna die now! I only_ just _showed them that I can do this!_ "I'm really scared."

"No, we good," Alex assures her.

She tentatively places the ankh, and much to her relief, no spooky creatures jump out at her.

_Score one for me._

Bretman likes Tana. In life, she was a semi-controversial YouTuber who made storytimes about toothbrushes, but here in Purgatory, she's _really_ kicking ass. Plus, she's apparently the only one in the group (besides Bretman, of course) who knows what an ankh is...even though it was _right there_ in the picture, _come the frick on!_

Joey picks his jaw up off the floor. "Okay, so now we have to hold hands."

"Now we hold hands," concurs Tim.

"I'm sorry," Tana apologizes for no reason.

They make a circle. Bretman holds hands with DeStorm and Alex, which is _totally_ fine by him, but what's _not_ fine by him is the eerie atmosphere that haunts the Egyptian exhibit. His mind wanders back to Gabbie's note. _Bitches are gonna die, it said. Not_ me, _though, right? I'm not dead like them. I'm not even supposed to_ be _in this dump._

It's okay. He has Nikita. She'll come and get him out of here. It's only fair, considering that she got him here in the first place.

Colleen kicks off the chant. "Anubis, god of the dead..."

"Anubis, god of the dead..." echoes everyone.

"Release the soul of the Pharaoh..."

"Release the soul of the Pharoah..."

"So his crimes can be avenged."

"So his crimes can be avenged."

A golden light splits the sarcophagus in half. Everyone yells exclamations of protest, but it's too late to stop the magic now. In a flash, a beef-jerky-looking ass bitch busts out of there in a growling fit, causing all the YouTubers to scream and run away.

_Holy shit!_ Bretman half-sprints-half-flails his way to Alex, who helps him make a break for it. _Is_ that _the Pharaoh? Maybe we should've just let that bitch stay dead!_

As Justine runs from the scary mummy, a stream of _oh no oh no oh no_ rushes through her brain. Why did they let him out? Now he's _after_ them, he wants to _kill_ them, _oh God we're gonna die!_

The group retreats through the big red doors at the end of the hallway. "Shut it!" orders Alex.

Mortimer and the Sorceress swing the doors shut. The mummy pounds against the other side of the doors, but luckily, he can't break through, giving the YouTubers an opportunity to catch their breath. Justine gasps for air, her hand on her chest. She feels like she's suffocating all over again.

"My heart," whimpers Gabbie. "Oh, my heart."

"Omigod, omigod, omigod," Tana pants.

Gabbie scowls. "Why did we _do_ that?"

_Calm down, Justine. Don't fall apart._ "Okay, wait." Justine notices that Joey's found something. "Hold on."

"Okay, quick." Joey opens his prize. "There's a scroll here."

Surprise. Another scroll with more directions for them to follow. Why the heck not? Might as well do everything exactly like they did it last time. Justine can only hope that _this_ time won't end with her being buried alive, or whatever the Egyptian equivalent of that is. Mummified? Whatever. She doesn't want it.

"He needs lotion," says Bretman, but Joey ignores him and reads the scroll.

_The Pharaoh was a kind ruler, but those close to him were not. They killed him using dark magic and did not understand the evil consequences of their actions. As a mummy, his mind is a blur of hate and revenge, but only he knows the location of the first jeweled key._

Honestly, even though the Pharaoh is a terrifying, evil mummy, Justine feels like she sort of gets him. She, too, was betrayed and killed by those close to her, and she's pretty sure that dark magic was involved, since it was all to get some creepy artifact. But at least _her_ mind isn't a blur of hate and revenge. So there's that.

"So what do we do?" asks Tana. "Go back and talk to him?"

_"Hell_ no!" screams Joey.

Gabbie taps a nearby box. "No, we obviously have to open this thing."

Justine purses her lips. "What's this?" The box doesn't look like much, but there's probably a clue inside. Maybe, if she focuses on getting that clue, she can forget about the horrifying possibility of death looming over her head.

As the YouTubers get to work, Mortimer pulls the Sorceress aside. "Hey," he whispers. "I saw what you did. I know you have a bigger plan here." His voice is part warning and part suggestion.

The Sorceress smiles. "Such a sweet face." She cups Mortimer's cheek. "I'd like to do _sick_ things to you."

Mortimer chuckles nervously.

"But, uh..." The Sorceress shakes her head. "I need someone a little more fierce for my plans."

Colleen's night has gone from bad to worse. Not only are they all on death row _(again! I knew it! Joey lied! I swear to God, if he kills me again...)_, but they've _also_ gone and unleashed a mummy whose mind is full of hate and revenge. _How lovely._ She wants to scream out the window, but she forces herself to keep it together. Too much stress is bad for the nonexistent baby.

Hey, at least she's found a box. "You guys! You guys! This little box with a cat..." She pries it open. "There's a note in it."

"Girl, that was _not_ there!" protests Bretman.

_Happens all the time, Bretman,_ thinks Colleen as she reads the note aloud.

_The Pharaoh's cats turn from stone to flesh by the light of the harvest moon and leave footprints of their travels. Their paths lead to Egypt's most sacred symbols, which must be painted beneath their feet._

Four little cat statues by the window, each one with a different symbol on its pedestal. A closer inspection of the room reveals that there are all sorts of paw prints leading in different directions. _Hmm._ Colleen squints at the prints. _Where are they actually going?_

"Oh, look, there's some paw prints right here," says DeStorm, pointing to a particularly long trail of prints.

"Oh, oh!" Alex points. "Paw prints on the carpet, too! Oh, there you go!"

Gabbie paces the floor. "Well, they're leading to stuff, right?"

"Yeah." If there's anything that Colleen learned from her last death game (besides the fact that Joey's a liar), it's that no clue is too small to be important. "Maybe we follow the paw prints."

Tim sips on a flask that, fittingly enough, has a cat on it. Colleen would appreciate the irony more if they didn't have a job to do.

"Yeah, right here," says Gabbie. "We need the—"

Whereupon the Pharaoh bursts into the room. All thoughts of paw prints flee Colleen's brain as she and the others scream and run for cover. The dark-haired Duchess scrambles into hiding, all the while cursing herself for _ever_ agreeing to go save that stupid 70s town.

When the mummy comes out, Gabbie pees herself. Literally. She _actually_ pees herself. But she doesn't realize it until the Pharaoh stomps outside, and when she _does_ realize it, it's _very_ embarrassing. _Did I...oh, goddamn it, Gab._ Her face is as pink as her dress.

Now that the coast is clear, the group can go back to messing with cats. "Does it matter which one they go on?" Alex wants to know.

"Wait, no, what if...the paw prints lead to the symbol, it said!" blurts out Colleen. "Look for the paw prints and where they lead to!"

Joey gasps. "Yeah! Oh, you're right, Colleen!"

As it turns out, each trail of paw prints leads away from a certain cat and towards a certain symbol. It's the group's job to follow the prints. Gabbie is strongly reminded of the Connect the Dots games she used to play when she was a kid, but she's not one to gripe about an easy task.

However, it's not her who finds the first few symbols. It's not Alex, either. It's not Colleen, Tana, or even Joey. It's Bretman Rock, the new kid in town, who calls out "Right here! There's a knife right here, sis! And then there's a symbol on top of this!" in the span of five seconds. Two symbols found, just like that.

Gabbie makes a mental note to keep an eye on the new kid.

Meanwhile, Alex rolls out a rug. "Look, there's paw prints on this!" notices Colleen.

"Oh," breathes Alex.

"Right here!" Rosanna adorably pokes the paw prints. "Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop! I'm following them! I'm following them!"

They line that carpet up with the paw prints on the other carpet, then move one of the pedestals over. It all forms a perfect line. "Okay," murmurs Alex, "and that goes to—"

"Oh, wait, there's a symbol on this side, too!" announces Colleen.

Alex traces the symbol with his finger. "So this one's an owl."

_So the last symbol goes with the last cat by default._ Gabbie smiles. She _loves_ it when a strategy comes together.

Everyone works together to paint the symbols onto the cats' pedestals. Including Alex. Which is a problem, since art was _never_ his best subject.

"Alex," teases Bretman, "paint me like one of your French girls!"

But Alex's painting looks _nothing_ like a French girl _or_ the symbol he's supposed to be copying. Instead, it looks like a broken trumpet that is also bleeding. It's _horrible._ Oh, well. This is why he's the Aviator and not the Artist.

Once they get all four symbols onto the cats, a box opens. Everyone jumps. "Girl," snaps Bretman, "you did _not_ just open up like that."

Alex, of course, takes a peek. "What it is?" _What it be? What it do, though?_ The memory of his old start-of-video catchphrase twitches his features into a fleeting grin.

"A scarab beetle!" exclaims Joey.

"Oh," snorts Tim, "it's a beetle."

Gabbie reaches into the box and pulls out a piece of paper. "And a note." She opens it. "Oh, it's a map, it looks like?"

_The Sands of Egypt hold many secrets and must be journeyed into to find the magic needed to gain control of the mummy's mind. Place the scarab on the door to enter._

"This was outside," mentions Gabbie.

_The Sands of Egypt..._ Alex recalls seeing a door outside, so that's where they need to be right now. _Here we go again._

As much as Tim loves his nice new flask (it even has a cat on it!), he doesn't think that it's big enough for him. _I need a bottle,_ is his opinion. _Or at_ least _something stronger than wine. I don't wanna go through this shit sober._

He's not an alcoholic. He's just..._jaded,_ that's all. Optimism can only go so far.

They walk outside. Once they find the door they need, Joey hands the scarab to Alex, who cautiously prepares to put it in place.

"Say, is something gonna jump out?" DeStorm frets.

"Alex, do it!" encourages Rosanna. "Alex, do it!"

Alex does it.

The door opens. Everyone else goes "omigod" and "uh-uh," but Tim's unfazed. _Yup. Same shit. All the same shit. Nothing's changed._ God, he's starting to sound like Matt Haag...which is a problem, considering what happened to the old Professor.

Joey and Alex approach the open door.

"Oh, y'all are just gonna go for it," comments Tana. "Okay."

"This is how we get killed." The sentence slips out of Tim's mouth before he can stop himself, and he immediately regrets it. _No._ He grits his teeth. _Gotta stop thinking like that. Be positive. Bright side. Bright side. Where's that silly smile?_

Alex, however, seems to agree with Tim's dark thought. "Somebody's gonna die."

"This is the Sands of Egypt," says Joey. "Come on."

_How do you make a tissue dance?_ quips Tim internally. _You put a little boogie in it!_ It's a corny joke, but if corniness and alcohol can save him from despair, then pass the corn and booze, because he's gonna need all he can get.

The Sands of Egypt are, in a word, sandy. Rosanna coughs into her gloves as she and her friends navigate the new environment. _Is this what Egypt's actually like?_ the little Socialite ponders. _How do they breathe with all this dust in the air?_

"I mean, I've never been to Egypt," says Tana softly.

_Me neither._ Rosanna's a visitor to these parts, but she _has_ made pyramid cakes before. Maybe the mummy would like one? If only she had her baking supplies...

Out of the blue, a woman appears, dressed in royal Egyptian garb, an anxious expression on her well-defined face. "What have you done?" she cries. "Why have you awakened the mummy? He'll kill us all!"

"Is this the Collector?" questions Gabbie.

_I don't think so._ Rosanna tilts her head at the stranger. _She's afraid. The Collector wouldn't be so afraid._

Tana plays with her hair. "Who are you?"

"I was once the Pharaoh's wife and queen," explains the newcomer. "Now I have nothing." Her voice rises in fearful intensity. "What do you hope to gain by bringing this tortured soul back?"

"We're looking for a key with a gem on it," Rosanna feels the need to pipe up in a concerned effort to calm the queen down.

Colleen nods. "What she said."

"A jeweled key," adds Alex.

"A jeweled..." Rosanna can't stay still. "A jeweled key!"

"The jeweled key drove him mad," laments the queen, "and it will do the same to you. But if it will bring him back to a peaceful rest, I will help." There's anger in her onyx-black eyes, and Rosanna wonders who she's mad at...the YouTubers, or her mummified husband?

There are two statues in the center of the Sands of Egypt. Joey instantly finds yet another note next to one of them. "Guys," he yells, "there's a note over here!"

_The twin sphinxes hold the key to the mummy's mind. The first one lies near the Pharaoh's sarcophagus, and the second only can be summoned by placing the golden obelisk here._

Well, Rosanna knows what _that_ means. It's time to split up into two groups. This really _is_ just like the 70s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Where oh where did the obelisk go? Also, Bretman's still awesome, and DeStorm is sorta starting to be better.


	11. The Obelisk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bretman, Timothy, Rosanna, Tana, and DeStorm go looking for obelisks.

So now Tim's out and about with Bretman, DeStorm, Tana, and Rosanna. Which is fine. _Totally_ fine. Splitting up isn't dangerous. He wandered off with Sierra before, and nothing bad happened to him _or_ to her. Hell, he was _just_ with Tana and DeStorm, and nothing bad happened then, either. So nothing bad will happen now.

Or _will_ it?

He turns to their guide for some guidance. "Where we going, Mortimer?"

"I don't know." Mortimer reaches for the note in Rosanna's hands. "What does this say?"

"I think we have to do this," remarks Bretman.

Rosanna opens the note. "It says 'mimic us,'" she recites in a proper tone of voice, like a schoolgirl perfectly answering a question from her teacher.

There's a picture on the back of the note. It's of two guys standing underneath a doorway, doing what looks like a _sick_ dance move together. They'd probably _crush_ it on _Dancing With the Stars._ Hell, even _Wild 'n' Out_ would think it was dope.

_I wonder how_ Wild 'n' Out _is doing without me?_

"Where's this door?" asks Bretman.

"Or do we find a picture of..." Rosanna scrunches her face. "Mimic...no...this?"

_Ugh! More puzzles!_ Tim fights the urge to sneak a drink from his flask, which is currently hidden in his left jacket pocket. _What's up with all these supernatural people and their love of puzzles, man?_

DeStorm realizes that the image on the back of the scroll matches the archway that's a few feet away. "Oh, there it is! Right here!" _I_ am _smart._

Rosanna scurries over to the archway. "Let's do it! In front of here!"

"Okay, Rosanna," says Bretman, "do you want to do it?"

She's already jumping up and down in excitement. "Okay, you ready?" Even her damn _voice_ bounces. "You ready? Okay! Okay!"

"Somebody tell us," instructs DeStorm. "Somebody guide us." _Probably Little Miss Jackrabbit over here._ Obviously, Rosanna won't survive, because _she's_ even softer than Alex (which is saying something). Only the strong can make it home. That's just the way it is. But dammit, that girl sure knows how to make everybody love her. Including DeStorm, apparently.

After consulting the note one last time, DeStorm and Rosanna mimic the dance move. He has to come down a little bit, and she has to get on her tippy toes, but they make it work. A scroll falls from the sky.

"Oh, we did it!" shouts Tim. "We did it! We did it!"

Bretman shrinks away from the falling note. "Omigod, y'all need to stop with this!"

"It's a tarantula," Tim jokes.

"We did it!" cheers Rosanna.

_We sure did._ "Hey, come on." DeStorm offers Rosanna a double high five, which she happily accepts. "We out here. That's what I'm talking about." His heart hasn't felt so warm in years.

Just when Tana's taking a moment to enjoy the celebration, the Pharaoh shows up in all his menacing glory. _Shit._ The Pin-Up Girl makes a break for it. _Why can't he leave us alone?_

Clearly, Bretman shares her frustration. "I'm about to throw these rocks at your ugly ass!"

But the threat of being pelted by rocks does not deter the mummy, who chases the YouTubers around the courtyard.

"Omigod," squeals Rosanna. "Just run, just run, just run!"

Tana runs as fast as she can, but she's not fast enough. The Pharaoh corners her, grabs her, and drags her into the museum before she can even scream for help. Her friends' concerned faces disappear in an instant.

_Is this the end?_

"No!" Her brown eyes swim with tears as she tries to squirm away. "Mummy, _please_ don't hurt me!"

The Pharaoh marches her into the lounge, ties her hands behind her back, and leaves without a word.

Well. That could've gone worse. But now she's stuck in this room, all alone, until somebody comes to set her free. Worst of all, she can't help her friends anymore! What if they lose respect for her? What if they think she's useless? What if they betray her again? What if...

Rosanna throws up her hands. "Okay, well, I guess she's captured. Okay." She doesn't know where Tana's going, or what will happen to her, or if there's a way to get her back. She just knows that she's gone.

_Don't worry about her,_ the Socialite's brain advises, but her heart can't help but worry anyway.

The remaining members of her group open the scroll. Another image is printed on it; this one is of a small Egyptian figurine sitting on a rock. "We need to knock that figurine over," realizes Rosanna.

"Where she at?" contemplates Bretman, but before anyone can answer him, he gasps dramatically. "I know where this bitch is!" He runs off.

"Oh, God," Tim laughs. "Screaming all the time."

Bretman seems really confident in what he's doing, so Rosanna trusts him to lead them to where they need to go. She and the others follow him, but they have a hard time keeping up with the speedy Playboy; even when he almost trips and falls, he recovers quickly. In no time at all, he's found their figurine. "She's right here!"

"Are you okay?" Rosanna calls to her friend, who's still a good distance away from the rest of the group.

"She's right here." Bretman points at the figurine. "Do you have the rocks?"

_Oh, dear! We forgot the rocks!_ "No! Oh, shoot!"

"Go grab the rocks," says Bretman. "I think we're supposed to throw it at that."

It doesn't take long for Rosanna to find a nice little pile of rocks that are _just_ the right size for knocking down figurines. "Okay." She bends down to pick up the rocks. Once they're all safely in her arms, she lifts her head. "Here you go, DeSto—"

She's face to face with the mummified Pharaoh.

_You're not DeStorm!_

He snatches her up immediately. She screams and drops her rocks, and DeStorm goes to pick them up as the Pharaoh marches Rosanna away. _Oh, no!_ Rosanna trembles with fear. _Where is he taking me? Am I at_ least _going to see Tana again?_

As it turns out, the answer is yes. Before Rosanna knows it, she's tied up next to Tana in the lounge.

This isn't good.

Bretman's stint as Usain Bolt gave him a head start, so he's already set up in front of the figurine with a few rocks of his own by the time Mortimer, Tim, and DeStorm come to join him. The smug part of Bretman smirks. _Girl, they cannot keep up with all this!_

"Guys," pants Mortimer. "Rosanna..."

Tim's face falls. "What happened? She got taken, too?"

"She got taken," Mortimer confirms.

"Aw, _man!"_ cries Tim.

It sucks that Rosanna and Tana are in trouble, but Bretman wants to finish _this_ job before he goes flying off to save the girls. "Okay, well, we're gonna have to hit this thing," he tells the others as he picks up a rock and throws it.

"Yo, I got one rock," says DeStorm.

Tim brings more rocks over. "We got a bunch of rocks."

Bretman throws rock after rock at the figurine, but unfortunately, he can't hit the target. Neither can Tim. Just as Bretman starts to wonder if they're going to be here all night, DeStorm strikes down the target on his first try. "That's how you do it," the proud Enforcer crows.

Another scroll falls from the sky. This time, Bretman's ready for it. "Right here!" He is _done_ getting jumpscared by these bitches.

"That's how you do it." DeStorm's glowing with pride. _One rock! I struck that damn target down with_ one _rock!_ "That's how you do it!"

_Touch us,_ says their new note, which has a picture of a beetle on a well.

DeStorm shakes his aching head. "Okay, touch this...touch _what?_ Where the hell is that?"

But Bretman, with his elephant brain, has already figured it out. "This well is over there." He sprints over to the rotunda, leaving the other guys with no choice but to follow him. "And we gotta touch some beetles."

The well and the rotunda are both polluted with bones, and there's a human leg dangling above it all. "There's body parts all over," gripes Tim.

DeStorm makes a face at the mess. "It's probably in the damn well." He's thankful that he hasn't eaten since before he went to the Victorian era, because otherwise, he probably would've lost his lunch by now. Just because he's dead doesn't mean that he can't lose his lunch. Even invincible badasses have their limits.

Boys like Bretman usually only get down and dirty in one way, and this is _so_ not that way, but whatever. It's for the good of the team, so he'll deal with it. He just has to remind himself to wash his hands once he gets back inside.

He glares at a bloody skeleton on the ground. "I feel like this bitch knows something she ain't telling me."

The skeleton stays quiet.

_Fine. Be that way._ Bretman kicks some dirt around. _Maybe the beetles are hidden underneath, like, all these skulls and dirt._

His friends, meanwhile, are being silly. "Hey, did you need a hand, bro?" quips Tim, waving a dismembered arm at DeStorm.

"Chill," chortles DeStorm.

"Okay." Tim tosses the arm over his shoulder. "Sorry."

Bretman's eyes land on the ground, and there, between a few stray bones, is the drawing of a black beetle on the ground. He gasps in delight at his discovery. "Bitch, is this a beetle, or is it not a beetle?"

"You found it?" DeStorm smiles. "There it is!"

Bretman kneels down and presses his fingers against the beetle. "I be touching her." _You're welcome, bitches!_

"Okay, where's the...let's find the other one," says DeStorm.

Everyone's talking at once, but Bretman tunes them all out (including himself) as he searches for the other beetles. "So I guess we gotta, like..." _A-ha! There we go!_ "There's two!"

DeStorm does a double take. "You found two?"

"There's two right here," confirms Bretman.

"Okay," DeStorm replies. "I'm gonna touch one. You touch one." He steps on a beetle. "I'm touching one."

Bretman touches the other beetle. Silence rules the rotunda for about half a second before a golden obelisk descends from the display above them.

"Oh, we got it!" Tim exclaims.

An ecstatic Bretman goes "yeahhhhhhh!" in a singsong voice while doing a victory dance of his own invention. _I did it!_ He hasn't felt this hyped since...well, since Nikita told him about this mission, but look where _that_ got him. _C'est la vie._ At least he's proved his awesomeness now.

DeStorm moves forward. "We got the golden, uh, obelisk." He grabs it and set it down on a nearby podium, causing a box at the corner of the rotunda to open. "Oh! That's what I'm talking about!"

There's a shiny sphinx inside the box, and Bretman wastes no time in getting his hands on it. "Oooh!" _Hey, look at that! It even goes with my jacket!_

"Honey," bellows DeStorm, "I'm coming home!"

_DeStorm, Tim, y'all better not touch this sphinx,_ thinks Bretman as he walks off with his prize. _I earned it. It's mine. So there._

Tim, Bretman, DeStorm, and Mortimer return to the lounge with the sphinx, where they find Tana and Rosanna tied up. "Oh." Tim's brown eyes widen. "You got—oh." _Do y'all like this? Is this a pleasurable experience?_ He bites his tongue to keep himself from asking such a dumb question. _No, of course not. It's a dramatic experience. Duh._ He's just glad that they're safe.

Rosanna stands up. "Can you untie me?"

Bretman unties her, and Tim does the same for Tana. "There you go," he says in a voice that sounds a bit too kind to belong a Con Man.

"Thank you," sighs Tana.

"You're welcome." Tim reaches out to touch her arm. "You okay?"

The doors swing open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Let's check up on the other group! Also, Colleen calls out a witch, Justine fumbles some riddles, and Gabbie wonders if she's the monster that's been here all along.


	12. A Murder Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey, Justine, Colleen, Alex, and Gabbie have a mystery to solve. Who killed the Pharaoh? The answer lies in riddles.

Splitting up. _Always_ a good decision in every horror movie. But the last three years of Joey's life have been a horror movie, complete with bodies everywhere, so who is he to judge?

_I can still fix this, can't I?_

His heart says yes. His demons say no.

He, Justine, Colleen, Alex, and Gabbie enter the Egyptian exhibit very cautiously, because they don't know where the Pharaoh is at this point. The Sorceress, on the other hand, swishes in like she owns the place. Joey's determined to stay five feet away from her at all times. After all, there's no telling if (or when) she might snap.

The Pharaoh's queen approaches a small golden box. "There is something the Pharaoh kept hidden from me." She opens the box and takes out a beautiful red ruby. "I don't know why..."

"Gorgeous!" gushes Joey. If there's one thing he loves, it's crystals. Especially crystals as stunning as this ruby.

The queen holds it up to him. "It's so beautiful..."

Joey takes the crystal from her. Inside, he can see a scroll, and his mouth droops when he realizes that he'll have to do the unthinkable: break a crystal. _It's for the good of the group,_ he tells himself. _After I bring everyone home, I'll buy a hundred crystals, each one ten times as beautiful as the last, and they'll keep me safe from harm. This ruby's demise will not be in vain._

"A scroll," notes Alex. "Uh, does it..."

Joey says "I don't know" and throws the ruby against the ground, where it shatters into a million perfect pieces.

"Joey!" Colleen cries. "That was very aggressive!"

Well, Joey's done it. He's destroyed a precious crystal. Hopefully, it'll be all he has to destroy.

Gabbie comes to the obvious conclusion that Joey has _zero_ respect for museum property. She can relate. If it was up to her, she would've torn the whole place apart by now. Besides, Joey's destructive tendencies earned them a scroll.

_One of the twin sphinxes is locked inside the Mystic Box and can only be opened by the blood of one responsible for the mummy's return._

A gasp escapes Gabbie's lungs. _The one responsible?_ Could the note be talking about the person who laid the ankh on the mummy's lid in the first place? Because if so...that's Tana. They might have to kill Tana Mongeau. One of Gabbie's best friends might have to die _(again)_ for this box.

In Gabbie's memories, Tana falls to the ground in a lifeless heap.

_The path to truth lies in urns holding the Pharaoh's organs. One at a time, each of you must select an urn and place it in the right location. If correct, the goddess blinks once. If wrong, she blinks twice, and you must try again. Each wrong placement puts your card in the voting pile. The oldest starts, then selects the next to go, and so on._

Oh, boy. They're back to solving riddles. And with _organ_ urns, no less. Well, at least they don't have to _open_ the urns, because Gabbie gets the feeling that the sight of the Pharaoh's heart would send her straight into Panic Attack Town. She's freaked out enough for one night.

"Justine," sighs Joey after the group does some quick calculations, "you're first."

_Oh, no!_ All the color drains from Justine's cheeks. _I_ suck _at puzzles, I couldn't save Andrea, this is what got me last time, how am I supposed to solve a riddle with my dumb blonde brain?_ "All right." She grits her teeth, forces some reluctant confidence into her heart _(I can do this, I can_ totally _do this)_, and grabs an urn. "Well, I guess I'll take this one."

_I eat and I speak._

Justine has no idea what that could mean. A human, maybe? But none of these symbols here are humans. What else eats and speaks?

"I mean, this one's an eye," she narrates as she inspects the symbols. "This one looks like a leg. This one's a..." _A bird of some kind._ "It _sort of_ looks like a parrot?" _Parrots eat and speak, don't they? Polly wanna cracker?_ "I don't know! I'm just gonna go with this one."

"Okay," says Joey.

Alex defers to Justine. "Okay. Here we go."

So Justine places her urn on top of the maybe-a-parrot symbol. The light on top of the so-called goddess blinks twice.

"Oh, two." Alex shakes his head. "It's wrong."

Justine's heart sinks. _I knew it. I'm wrong. I'm going into the voting pile._ She reassures her scrambled soul that just because she's going into the pile doesn't mean that she'll die, but all she can think about is how dark and cramped it was inside her coffin.

Joey's voice rescues her from tears. "Okay, you have to try again." He looks worried. "Try another one."

So Justine tries another bird symbol (this one's more of a condor than a parrot, but hey, it's the closest to eating and speaking that she can think of). But much to her chagrin, the goddess blinks twice. She's wrong again.

"Two blinks!" exclaims Alex.

This _sucks._ None of the symbols are matching up to what this could be. Now, Justine's got _two_ votes against her, and no one's even voted yet!

"Wait, this kind of looks like a mouth," Alex suggests, pointing to the symbol that Justine had dismissed as an eye. "I eat and I speak?"

"I thought that was an eye," Justine confesses, feeling stupider than ever.

Alex frowns. "It looks kind of like a mouth."

Why not? What has Justine got to lose? She puts her jar on top of the mouth, or eye, or whatever it is.

"Okay, here we go," says Alex.

The goddess blinks once.

"We got it! Yes! That one's right!"

Finally, _finally,_ Justine's riddle has been solved...but she wasn't even the one to solve it. She's made a fool of herself in front of all of her friends, and to top it all off, her new life's on the line. At least no one's accusing her of being evil. Yet.

_Joey..._ She briefly turns towards him, but then veers away before they can make eye contact. _No. I_ won't _look to him to save me anymore. If I can't keep myself out of trouble, no one can._

Gabbie is chosen to go second. _Well,_ she thinks as she uncovers her riddle, _at least I can't do worse than Justine._

_I walk without legs._

Immediately, the Hollywood Star remembers seeing a snake symbol on the ground. That _has_ to be it. Snakes don't have legs, but they still slither around from place to place. It's damn near _impossible_ for her to not be right about this shit.

She places her jar.

"Okay," says Alex. "Here we go."

The goddess blinks once.

"Yes!" everyone cheers.

Joey smiles. "Okay, who's next?"

_There we go._ Gabbie flounces her way back to the others. _I'm not often wrong._

It's Joey's turn. "Okay." He takes a deep breath, crosses his fingers, and reads his riddle aloud.

_I take what's left._

"That's probably a bird, right?" Joey reasons. He _knows_ that there are birds here; after all, Justine incorrectly selected several of them while trying to solve her riddle. _It's only a few votes, right? It doesn't mean anything._

Speaking of Justine, she stammers incoherently.

Alex is a little more helpful. "Oh, a vulture. This is a vulture."

_Might as well,_ thinks Joey, and he places his urn on the vulture.

"Oh, wait," Alex mumbles.

The goddess blinks once.

"Yes!" rejoices Justine, who is practically glowing with pride.

"Is that right?" Gabbie's eyes widen. "Oh, shit."

Joey breathes a sigh of relief.

As Colleen steps up, she hopes for something easy. What she actually _gets_ is anything but.

_I hold the meal._

Colleen wrinkles her nose. _I hold the meal? I hold food? What's_ that _supposed to mean?_ She has _no_ idea where to put this stupid urn, and it's driving her up the metaphorical wall.

"Well, this kind of looks like a hand," she comments, looking through the symbols while simultaneously trying not to develop a headache, "and there's a bowl?"

"I think that could be a bowl," says Gabbie.

Alex blinks. "Oh. That _could_ be a bowl. It's between the hand and the bowl."

This only confuses Colleen more. "Oh, God." She's _pretty_ sure that the urn goes on the bowl, because a bowl holds a meal, but what if she's wrong? She doesn't want any strikes against her name!

She carefully places the urn on the bowl.

"Okay, here we go." Alex stares intently at the goddess. "Come on! One blink!"

But the Goddess blinks twice.

"Oh, it's wrong!" groans Alex. "It's the hand!"

Colleen's face hurts from the strain of her fake smile. _Great!_ snaps her brain. _I'm wrong! I'm going in the voting pile, and I might die!_ She thinks of Flynn. She wonders if he'll _ever_ get a chance to be born.

On the bright side, she has a plausible second option. "Okay." She hovers over the hand. "I'm gonna try it."

"Okay," says Alex.

So Colleen puts the urn on the hand. This time, the goddess blinks once.

"Yes!" Joey pumps his fist into the air. "Okay, we got it."

Colleen exhales. It's right. Thank God. Her name's only going in the pile once. She still has better odds than iJustine.

"Last one." Alex is back in his element. Solving puzzles is the only thing he knows how to do around here, so why not give this one a go?

_I burn for hours._

"A candle, right?" says Colleen.

Alex's gaze is drawn to one symbol in particular. "This looks like a..." He points. "It could be a candle holder. Like, an old-timey one?"

"That's what I was thinking," Gabbie agrees. "It might be a little flame."

"Okay." Alex shrugs. "I'm just gonna do it." He kneels down, steels his nerves, and slides his urn into place, all while suppressing the part of him that doesn't care if he's right or wrong.

The goddess blinks once.

"You got it!" whoops Joey.

_Oh. That's neat._

A chest opens. Inside is an elegant Egyptian staff, which Joey, of course, runs to pick up. "Whoa, what is this?" The Savant hoists the staff into the air. "Cool!"

Alex also finds a piece of paper in the chest. "Oh, another note!" He takes it upon himself to read it aloud.

_The Staff of the Nile was used by the Pharaoh to determine the guilt of criminals. When touched to their forehead, the crystal will glow if they're guilty. Test everyone in the group._

"Guilty of what?" ask Gabbie and Colleen at the same time.

Joey presses his lips together. "The Pharaoh's death...I think."

So there's a criminal among them. A traitor. A _murderer,_ no less.

Alex hopes to God that it's not any of his friends.

Gabbie assumes that the one who killed the Pharaoh is also the one responsible for the mummy's return. It's not Tana, thankfully, since Tana's not in their group right now, but what if it's Joey? He's got a good amount of blood on his hands. Or what if it's Alex, or Colleen, or Justine?

Or what if..._what if it's_ me? _What if_ I'm _the monster?_

She hears a tune in her head, but it's probably just the stress of the situation.

As far as Colleen's concerned, Joey Graceffa is the guiltiest member of their little five-person band. He threw her into a box of spikes! If _that's_ not a crime, _nothing_ is!

_I doubt he killed the Pharaoh, though,_ the logical part of her points out.

_So what?_ her emotions shoot back. _The staff determines the guilt of criminals. Murderers are criminals. Therefore, Joey's a criminal. Simple._

"Put it to your head first," says Alex to Joey.

Joey's expression is nervousness personified _(because he knows what he did,_ crows Colleen internally). "Okay." He puts the staff to his forehead.

"Okay." Alex leans toward Joey. "Let's see if it glows."

Much to Colleen's surprise, the staff doesn't glow at all. _Huh._ The Duchess narrows her eyes at the boy she once called her best friend in the world. _I wasn't expecting that from you, Joey. Maybe..._ She shakes off her friendly impulse by reminding herself that he killed her.

"Anything happening?" asks Joey.

"No," Alex replies.

"Okay." Joey turns the staff on the girl standing next to him. "Justine?"

Justine shrinks back. "Oh, _come on_ now." Her tone of voice makes Colleen wonder what she's got to hide.

But the staff doesn't light up for Justine. It doesn't light up for Colleen, either, because Colleen doesn't betray her friends (unlike _some_ people). Gabbie and Alex are similarly cleared of any potential wrongdoing.

"I'll try the Sorceress," says Joey, and he does...but the Sorceress, despite her untrustworthy vibes, doesn't set off the staff's guilt detector.

_So that means..._

Alex's jaw drops. "It's the _wife!"_

_"You!"_ shouts Joey, rounding on the Pharaoh's queen.

"I loved my husband," the queen insists. "I had nothing to do with his death!" She takes off running down the hall.

_Oh, yeah, because nothing says "innocent" like running for the hills!_ Colleen's blood pumps with a need for justice. _Ding ding ding! We have a witch!_

Justine knows a thing or two about running away from a group of bloodthirsty vengeance-seekers, but this is different. The queen really _did_ kill the Pharaoh. No one's being falsely accused this time.

Still...

"You killed him!"

"She killed him!"

"After her!"

"Stop her!"

Angry mobs are _so_ not Justine's thing.

They capture the queen in no time at all. "Why would you kill him?" Joey demands to know.

"I just wanted what rightfully belonged to me," admits the queen.

Gabbie points to the staff. "What is that?"

"It's glowing!" yells Alex.

So it is.

"Egypt should've been mine!" The queen's gone full Villain Monologue Mode, complete with a nasty look on her otherwise pretty face. "I was born to rule! The Pharaoh was weak!"

_We need her blood._ Justine's knuckles turn white. _Does that mean we gotta kill her? I don't wanna kill her! I don't wanna kill anyone!_

But Gabbie's reached the same deduction. "Joey, I think you have to kill her!"

"No, I'm not..." Joey's trembling. "I'm not doing it."

All of a sudden, the Sorceress pulls a knife.

"Joey, watch out!" shrieks Gabbie.

The Sorceress stabs the queen five times within ten seconds. Before they know it, the queen is dead on the floor, blood flowing from her many wounds. Everyone screams. Justine almost throws up.

"Omigod," breathes Joey.

Justine struggles to compose herself. _Did that really just happen?_ "Okay," she whimpers, "so we have the blood now." _This Sorceress woman...she's an awful murderer, but maybe she really_ is _our friend. She did the deed for us. We didn't even have to kill anyone!_

Gabbie takes the queen's blood and puts it on the Mystic Box. It opens, revealing the sphinx and a note.

"There's the sphinx," whispers Justine, who's glad that all the craziness is over.

They take their prizes and make a break for the exit. "Thanks, Sorceress," says Gabbie on the way out.

"Thank you!" echoes Justine.

The Sorceress smirks. "Don't mention it."

Of _course_ Justine won't mention it. She wants to forget about the Sorceress's little murder-fest as soon as she can bleach it out of her mind. Yeah, it had to be done, but that doesn't make it okay!

As he and his group march down the hallway with the sphinx, Joey's mind wanders to the vote that's yet to come...and the death that's guaranteed to follow. _Please, Matt and Nikita, hurry up and save us,_ his heart pleads. _Don't leave us alone down here._

They meet up with Tim, Tana, Rosanna, DeStorm, and Bretman in the lounge. "Guys!" yells Alex, holding their sphinx for all to see.

"Guys," Joey tells his friends, "we got one."

"You got it!" cheers Rosanna.

"You guys figured it out?" Tim grins. "Sweet."

Bretman shows off a second sphinx, and Joey is happy to see that the other group was successful in their mission.

Gabbie smooths some wrinkles out of her dress. "And we killed somebody."

"You _killed_ somebody?" asks Tim incredulously.

_Not me. Not this time._ "Well, the _Sorceress_ killed somebody," Joey clarifies. "She's a total badass." _Does this mean I can trust her?_

"Guys, listen," says Justine. "We found a note with our sphinx." She sits down and reads it.

_To recover the jeweled key, two must be chosen by vote to brave the Sands of Egypt. However, you may only choose from among your own group. Friends will betray friends. Discuss among yourselves, and then select the card of the person you want forced into the death challenge. Choose wisely. Revenge is a dish best served cold._

Here they go again with the voting. Joey's used to this; an outsider would think that it's his normal everyday routine. But this time, it wasn't _supposed_ to go like this. This time, he was supposed to save _everyone._

And now...

The hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

_Justine's in danger._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The first Voting Time of the fourth novelization! Also, Tana has self-esteem issues, DeStorm wants to make things interesting, Joey and Justine have a heart-to-heart, and Tim attempts an Asian alliance with Bretman.


	13. No Stars for the All Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The All Stars are back in the voting hot seat in order to determine who will go to face the Sands of Egypt. Time to start some deadly drama up in Purgatory!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Virginia, I _do_ have a discord server for the novels now, because everyone else is doing it. Here's the [link!](https://discord.gg/DMHMgGx)

Justine's got two strikes against her, thanks to that riddle she mucked up, so the odds are _definitely_ not in her favor. Her one chance at avoiding this challenge is to make a lot of friends and convince them to gang up on someone else, but...is that _really_ okay? She's been ganged up on before. She doesn't want anyone else to feel the way she felt back then.

_But I don't wanna feel that way, either..._

She decides to go talk to the others. They'll help her figure out what to do.

Colleen and Alex are in one corner of the room, and Joey and Gabbie are in another. Justine goes to Colleen and Alex first. "So I already have two," she tells them.

"I already have one," says Colleen, "so..." She turns to Alex. "You know, you should take one for the team!"

"I should..." Alex stammers incoherently for a little while before giving in. "Okay, but you guys remember this if I do this."

Even Colleen seems surprised. "I mean, that was really easy!"

"I'm not gonna forget it," Justine assures Alex, and she means it from the bottom of her heart...but somehow, she doubts that either Alex or Colleen will be able to resist the temptation of voting for the girl who's in the danger zone anyway. Same thing with the others. They'll all be like _"well, Justine got herself into this mess, so there's no point in trying to save her over someone who actually_ solved _their riddle"_ and that'll be the end of it. Even _Joey_ would agree.

_You know what?_ She grasps for courage. _Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe, if I knock this challenge out of the park, I can redeem myself for screwing up the riddle and failing Andrea and everything else._ Her eyelids twitch, but she manufactures a smile. _Yeah. That's it. I'm okay. I just gotta tell Joey that I'll be fine. He'll understand._

Besides, what else can they do to her? She's already been through hell.

Gabbie's a pragmatist. As far as she's concerned, the weakest link is the one that's got to go, and the weakest link of her five-person group is crystal clear. She, Joey, and Alex all solved their riddles on the first try. Colleen solved hers on the second try. Justine...

"I don't know," Joey whines. "This is _so_ difficult."

_Sure, Joey._ "I know. It's _really_ hard, but I just think because Justine's already more likely to be in there, then we might as well just lean into that."

Joey is visibly uncomfortable with this idea. "Uh...you have a point, but..." He swallows. "I need to talk to her."

"You mean Justine? No, Joey, _wait_—"

But Joey's gone.

_Dammit._ Gabbie scowls at her hands. _If he's gonna blab to Justine and rally her against me, then I'm gonna_ personally _feed him to the mummy._

There's a part of Joey that understands Gabbie's position on Justine. The Adventurer _did_ mess up her riddle, and she _does_ have two cards in the pile already. But...she's _Justine Ezarik._ He _can't_ just throw her to the wolves without giving her a chance to turn the tide.

He corners her in a secluded area of the room. "Justine, listen. Gabbie said—"

"—that she's gonna vote for me, right?" She's facing away from him, twirling a lock of blonde hair around her finger as if she's trying to cut off her own circulation. "I get it. I screwed up. I've got votes. Of _course_ I'm gonna get more."

"So who do you wanna go for instead? Alex? Gabbie? Colleen?"

"Joey!" Justine whirls around in an emotional flash of yellow and grey. _"Listen_ to yourself! You can't just go around voting for random people who didn't do anything wrong! That kind of thinking is why I got buried alive in the first place!" She squeezes his shoulders. "You want us to trust you, right?"

"Yeah." _Justine, what are you saying? Do you_ want _me to..._

"Then vote for me. I'm the one who didn't get my riddle right. I should be the one to go in."

"But what if you die?"

"I won't. I can _do_ this. I'll prove myself, and you'll earn their trust. This is our redemption. Joey, _please..."_

"Justine…" He wishes he could say _no, I'm not gonna vote for you, don't talk like that,_ but he loves her too much to lie to her. "It's for you." The words slip out of his heart. "My mission. This second chance. It's all for you."

"No, it's for everyone," she insists, tears bubbling in her eyes. "If you're _really_ here to make things right…"

He, as always, understands her perfectly.

_Is this a common occurrence for these bitches?_ thinks Bretman as he goes to sit with his group. _It's_ gotta _be. That's why they're all dead. Well, they're not gonna drag me down to their level._

"I hit..." DeStorm fumbles for words. "I threw the rock. I threw the rock."

Bretman smirks. "Don't be looking at me," he warns his teammates. "I found..."

"No, I mean, Bret...Bret killed the game, and plus, Bret's my Asian brother, so I'm not gonna vote for Bret," says Tim.

Although Bretman doesn't consider himself to be _anyone's_ Asian brother (except for his actual sister, Princess), he appreciates the support from Tim. Now, he just has to deal with DeStorm, Rosanna, and Tana.

_If any of you bitches vote for me..._

He laughs.

Voting people into death challenges is Rosanna's least favorite thing ever. Even _dying_ wasn't as bad. Why does she have to do this again? Why can't they all just live in a peaceful world where they can work together?

And are Justine and Joey, her two best friends in the whole group, going to be okay? Last she saw them, they looked worried...

"What did you do?" DeStorm asks her.

"I'm a team player," argues Rosanna, "and I'm not coming for anybody. I'm just here to support everybody, and I really wanna get home." She thinks of her dog, Cookie. "I have a fur baby at home. She doesn't have anyone else." _Is Mike still taking care of her? How long has it been since I died?_

Tim searches his memories for a way to plead his case properly. _Um. Uh._ He can't really think of anything monumental he did to help out, but hey, the game just started. Plus, it's not like he's done anything _wrong._ He just needs some time. That's all.

He was never one for the "useless" argument, anyway.

"Guys, it _does_ look like everyone found something but Tim," remarks Tana.

"I mean, yeah." Tim makes a face. "Um..." _They're trying to come at me for not doing anything, but what about Tana? She didn't do much either! All she did was find the giant super obvious ankh! A trained monkey could've done that!_

For a moment, he wonders if this is how Andrea felt, but then he chases her out of his mind with another swig of alcohol.

"All right, guys, look, it's time to vote," announces Mortimer, who has ten stacks of tarot cards lined up on a table in front of him. "If you got captured, or if you made a mistake in the urn challenge, you already have a strike against you." He takes a Socialite card, a Pin-Up Girl card, a Duchess card, and two Adventurer cards to start his voting pile. "Alex, you can go first."

Alex approaches the table. He knows that he sort of told the girls that he'd vote for himself, but to be honest, he's not feeling up to it. _I guess I'm in one of my "I wanna live" moods again._

So he picks an Adventurer card. At the end of the day, he wants to keep around people who can help him, and Justine Ezarik doesn't look very helpful.

Colleen should be the one who gets saved, because she's pregnant. If she dies, so does her son, and that'll be _two_ deaths on everybody's hands. Hopefully, no one _(Joey)_ gets any ideas about screwing her over.

She votes for Justine. They need to keep the strongest people here, and Justine just proved that she's _not_ one of the strongest at solving puzzles, so that's that on that.

(Also, she's _not_ about to get herself into trouble by voting for Joey...not _yet,_ anyway.)

Justine votes. _Did she vote for herself?_ Joey wonders. He examines her face for clues, but the only answer he gets is a wall of silent tension.

It's his turn.

_It's better to go along with the crowd,_ he tells himself as he reluctantly selects his best friend's card. _Besides, this is what Justine wants. She told me she could handle it. She'll survive, and they'll see she's useful, and she'll never get another vote ever again._

He still can't help but feel like crap, but what else is new?

Bretman watches from his seat, half intrigued and half afraid, as Gabbie follows Joey to the voting table. _Nikita must've done this, too,_ he realizes. _Who did she vote for? Did anyone die because of her?_

If he makes it through this, he'll ask. No, not if. _When._

But for now, he's up to the plate, and he's a woman of his word, so he pinches a Con Man card between his well-manicured fingers. After all, that's what the group decided on.

He does a little Bretman Rock flourish before returning to his spot on the couch.

_Who the hell designed these cards?_ thinks Tim once he reaches the thick stacks of his friends' faces. _Justine's out here looking like a zombie...Gabbie's got her heart in her hand...bunch of stabbings...are they_ trying _to give us PTSD?_ He purposely doesn't look at his _own_ stack, because he'd rather not have to face the gory consequences of his choice.

At any rate, the best way for him to save himself is to vote for somebody who already has a vote.

_You know what?_ He grabs a Pin-Up Girl card. _I'm gonna vote for Tana. She did the least out of everyone in our group who isn't me._

The weakest link to DeStorm is everybody but DeStorm. But he can only vote for one person. Who should it be?

_Oh, just lemme vote for Alex,_ he seethes while Tana and Rosanna cast their votes. _Lemme at him. I'll tear him apart._ But Alex ain't an option. DeStorm never thought that he'd be sad that his rival wasn't in his group, but here he is, _itching_ for revenge, yet unable to achieve it.

_Next time, little punk._

Instead, he votes for Rosanna. Might as well. No one else will, and he wants to ruffle some feathers.

Mortimer shuffles the votes halfheartedly. "All right, guys." He draws a card from the pile. "The first one in the final challenge is..."

At this point, Justine knows that she's almost for _sure_ about to be picked. _I gotta be brave._ She grips the back of the couch with trembling hands, staring straight ahead without seeing anything, listening to the sound of air entering and exiting her lungs. _Please, God, let me be brave, gimme a chance to prove myself, don't let me cry, not this time, I won't be the girl who cries..._

"The Adventurer, Justine."

She's back in the graveyard.

Rosanna whimpers "no" a dozen times within two seconds. Gabbie reaches out to comfort Justine. Colleen bites her lip. Joey looks like he wants to curl up and die.

Justine hunches over, her hair hanging loose, her mind swimming with pain and regret. She can't believe that this is happening again. It seems like just yesterday that she was buried alive, and now, here she is, going into the Sands of Egypt. Not even the fact that she's semi-accepted her fate is enough to lift her spirits.

But she doesn't cry. She owes herself that much.

_It's for the best._ Her lips go from a frown to a thin line. _I_ need _to redeem myself, because I don't wanna be thrown back into another coffin. This is my redemption. I'll make it home. I promise._

"Second group..."

Tana doesn't know how helpful she was in comparison to most of her friends, but at _least_ she did better than Timothy. So she has _that_ going for her. Is it enough? Is it _ever_ enough?

Mortimer shows his second card.

"Tana."

It's like an invisible hand is crushing all of Tana's internal organs at once. _Oh, no. Oh, no._ She starts to cry. _It wasn't enough. I_ still _fell short. And now...oh, God, I've never won a challenge in my_ life, _so I'm doomed, aren't I? I'm already gone._

Tim gasps dramatically.

"Omigod," says Joey.

"Whoa." Gabbie raises an eyebrow. "I actually did _not_ see that coming."

Tana wipes her eyes, but new tears come to replace the old ones, and she concludes that fighting her urge to cry is a losing battle...just like this challenge. "She's gonna beat me," the heartbroken Pin-Up Girl wails, gesturing vaguely in Justine's direction.

Gabbie shifts in place. "For sure," she admits, "but we loved having you here."

_I don't wanna die again!_ Tana's full-on bawling now, although she daintily disguises her emotional breakdown behind her right hand. _I'm still a kid! I'm only nineteen! I never even got to legally drink! Why can't I go home? I just wanna go home!_

She can't look at her friends.

When Joey finds out that Tana is Justine's opponent in the challenge, all his worries disappear. _Tana? Pfft. An easy adversary. Justine can beat her without even trying._ He hides his relief. _Justine, my friend, you're gonna be okay._

The chosen girls get up to leave. "Justine, we love you," Gabbie calls out. "Tana, we love you too."

"I'll bring this back for you guys," Justine promises in a spunky voice that reminds Joey of the Justine he used to know.

Alex bids Justine good luck and gives Tana a hug. Rosanna, meanwhile, throws her arms around her dear not-quite-sister, and Justine returns the fond embrace. Bretman says "see you on the other side" with all the soft encouragement of a schoolteacher.

Last but not least, Justine clings to Joey with a special sort of tenderness that he hasn't felt in a long time. "I love you, Joey," she whispers into his jacket as her golden hair falls around him.

"I love you too." He’s positive that she can feel his heart beating. "See you in a minute?"

She hesitates for a split second before smiling, but when she _does_ smile, it's like she's gifting the world with a sunbeam of pure, untainted light. "See you in a minute."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Justine and Tana battle to survive the Sands of Egypt. Alas, one girl will fail to make it out alive. It isn't an Escape the Night novelization without death, so buckle up, because this is about to get very, _very_ sad.


	14. Rage Against the Dying Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tana and Justine wind up deep in the scorching Sands of Egypt, forced to fight a Pharaoh as well as each other. Who will live? Who will die? How much is this gonna hurt?

The ground crunches beneath Justine's feet as she and Tana are led by Mortimer to the Sands of Egypt. Her stomach churns, and her hands grow sweaty against the sphinx she's holding, but she stays (mostly) calm via some emergency breathing exercises. _I'll be okay._ She dodges any and all thoughts of her previous death. _I just gotta do this challenge, and then I can go back to Joey and Ro and everyone else with my head held high. I won't be a victim anymore._

Tana, who's carrying the other sphinx, has long since stopped crying, but she hasn't stopped trembling. Justine feels _awful_ for her.

Eventually, they arrive at an especially sandy clearing, with stepping stones sprinkled on top of the sand like toppings on top of a frosted birthday cake. Two simple pedestals stand a few stones away, and at the center of the clearing, two fancier pedestals (each one guarded by a statue of an Egyptian god) flank a _even fancier_ pedestal made of gold. The Pharaoh stands guard over it all; he looks as though he's waited a thousand years for this night.

"Oh, gosh..." Justine uses the stones to navigate her way to the nearest pedestal. "Oh, there's a note!" She takes a deep breath so that she can clear her head. "Okay."

First, Justine and Tana place the twin sphinxes on the simple pedestals, causing a scepter to magically appear on the fancy pedestal. Then, Tana reads the note.

_The Scepter of Isis cannot be touched until one of you has built a pyramid in her name. Gather the pieces and assemble them. The first to do so can claim the scepter and command the mummy to retrieve the key. However, the mummy has cursed the sands with flesh-eating beetles, and you may only travel on the stones. Stepping on the sand or getting touched by the mummy will take you out of the challenge for ten seconds._

"Okay, that's crazy," interjects Justine, "because those are _very_ precious seconds." She knows firsthand how crucial ten seconds can be.

If this is a nightmare, Tana wants it to end. But if it's _not_ a nightmare...well, she can't just _die,_ right? She _has_ to make an effort to beat Justine and prove herself to the group. If she doesn't, what has her life been for?

_Last chance, Tana Mongeau._

"Begin!" shouts Mortimer.

Tana and Justine start hopping across the thousand stones that dot the landscape, looking for pyramid pieces. "All right," mutters Justine under her breath. "So..."

_Wait._ Tana points at a strange block that is _definitely_ not a stone. "Is that a piece?" She hops closer. "That's a piece! That's a piece!" Fortunately, she's able to squat down and get it without much trouble.

"This is so disgusting..." Justine almost trips to reach a piece. "Oh, gosh!"

The Pharaoh roars. "Oh, no," gulps Tana, who forgot about the ten-second rule. "Oh, no. Oh, no." _I have one piece, but..._ "How many more?"

"These are so far _away!"_ cries Justine, but even while she's making a fuss, she's jumping around on the stones, handling this shit like a boss. Soon, she's begun her pyramid. Tana's self-confidence goes down a notch.

Justine has _so_ many thoughts running through her mind. This is the final death challenge. Someone won't make it out. There's a chance, however small, that she'll never see her friends again.

She doesn't want to think about that chance.

So she finds a second block and puts it with the first before hopping away to look for more. _I'm making progress._ Her feet are sore within her shoes, but she deals with it. _There shouldn't be too many more, and I'm ahead, I think, so maybe—_

All of a sudden, the Pharaoh comes out of nowhere and grabs her. She screams "No!" and tries to pull away, but for a mummy, he's surprisingly strong, and he takes her out of the challenge.

_Frick._ She's at a disadvantage. Ten precious seconds, down the drain. _I hope Tana doesn't get_ too _far ahead while I'm out..._

Tana can't figure out _shit_ in this challenge. It _sucks._ She was doing _so_ well before, when she found the ankh, but now she can't do anything. At least the mummy hasn't touched her yet.

_Poor Justine._

"Omigod." The nervous Pin-Up Girl picks up one piece, then another. "I am _not_ this agile." She leaps back to her podium and gets a start on her new construction project. "How many blondes does it take to build a pyramid?"

The Pharaoh growls, as if Tana was asking for his opinion. Which, to be clear, she wasn't.

She needs more pieces. "Omigod, omigod, omigod," she frantically chants as she heads for a piece on the outskirts of the clearing. _Justine got touched, so she lost ten seconds. Does that mean I might have a chance?_

Justine gets back in the game a moment later, and she almost steps on Tana's hand in the process, provoking a scream from the younger girl. Mortimer winces in the background.

Tana wobbles on the stones. "Oh no oh no oh no..." She can't shake the feeling that this is about to take a turn for the worse.

Justine has been searching _everywhere_ for these pieces. She's found most of them, but there's one left. Is it hiding from her? That's not very nice. Pieces shouldn't hide from Adventurers.

She wonders if this is what it feels like to go crazy.

There's a tiny piece, small enough to fit in Tana's mouth, that's nestled next to one of the stepping stones. "Oh, boy." Tana crouches, snatches it up, nestles it between her palms, and carries it to her podium to join the rest of her pyramid.

_I think I have all the pieces._

_I think I'm putting them together._

_I think..._ She squints at what she's done. _I might be ahead?_

No time to celebrate. She has a pyramid to build. "Be nice, mummy," she pleads to the Pharaoh, who's circling her like a vulture. "Is this a pyramid?" Her pyramid looks like someone took a bite out of it, but then again, she never played Legos as a kid, so she doesn't have much experience with building stuff. "Oh, no."

The Pharaoh takes her out of the game.

_Dammit!_

Tana's progress is _not_ good news for Justine's odds of winning, but now that Tana's been benched for ten seconds, Justine has an opportunity to catch up. "Okay, like..." The Adventurer peeks at her rival's mess of a pyramid. "She built that _way_ wrong."

She keeps looking. The piece she needs is the tip of her unfinished pyramid. Knowing her, she's probably overlooked it.

_Hey,_ she notices, _there's a knife at the feet of one of the gods..._

Ten seconds have come and gone. "Okay," murmurs Tana as she rushes over to fix her pyramid. "Okay."

"I can't find my last piece!" Justine wails. _Come on, come on, don't give up now, you told Joey you could do this, you_ gotta _do this, you_ can't _die, not again not again no _ never _again—_

"Wait, I did it!"

Justine freezes in terror at the sound of her loss.

_Wait._ Tana stares in awe at her perfect golden pyramid. _Did I just_ do _this? Did I just win the challenge? Did I just save myself from mummy murder?_ She never would've believed it in a million years, but the facts don't lie.

_I guess I'm not a pushover after all._

The Pharaoh attacks Justine. "No, no, no!" the Adventurer screams as she struggles to escape the mummy's grasp, but her efforts are in vain. His rotting hands reach for her neck.

_No! Wait!_ Tana's victorious happiness evaporates as soon as she sees her friend in trouble. _I don't want Justine to die! There's_ gotta _be a way for me to save her!_

Then, she remembers.

_The Scepter of Isis..._

"Mummy, mummy, stop!" Tana dives for her salvation with such force that her cowboy hat falls off her head. She hoists the scepter high into the air. "Bring me the jeweled key!"

Just as Justine thinks that she's doomed to die at the hands of a maggoty relic of the past, the Pharaoh lets her go. She gasps. "Wait, we're both..." The word "alive" seems too priceless for her to pronounce.

Tana puts her hat back on, hops over to where Justine's standing, and pulls her former opponent close. "We'll get out of this..."

Not even Justine's wildest dreams could've predicted this turn of events. The last night of her life was nothing but betrayal and despair; she's a veteran of a cutthroat world where a single mistake was enough for her old friends to turn on her and put her six feet underground. But here in Purgatory, even though she's lost the challenge, she's alive and safe in the arms of a true friend. It's so wonderfully inconceivable that it makes her want to cry.

_Maybe we both can live?_

For once, she believes.

The Pharaoh produces a green box out of thin air and places it on a simple pedestal. Inside is the jeweled key. Tana lets go of Justine, gives her one last heartfelt look, and goes to open the box...only to find that it's locked.

It comes with a note. Tana reads the note aloud, while Justine looks on with mounting apprehension.

_Your betrayal is not yet complete. You must order the mummy to kill your friend if you wish to claim the key._

_I should've known._ Justine hunches over, her blonde hair dangling towards the sandy ground, her shaking hands glued to her knees, her eyes drowning in tears. _It isn't a death challenge unless someone's getting screwed over._

Tana's face falls. Justine can tell that she doesn't want to do it. Of course. A sweet girl like Tana would never hurt anyone.

But at the same time..._girl, that's not how this works. This is it. You have to do this, or we both die._

"No." Tana feels disgusted at the mere _suggestion_ of betraying her friend. "I'm not gonna order him to kill Justine. Like, what kind of sick and twisted bullshit is that?"

Justine smiles, but it's through tears, and there's no hope on her face.

Tana _hates_ this bittersweet feeling. She'd rather take a _thousand_ swords to the stomach than agree to unleash death upon Justine. _I don't wanna do this._ She's crying into her palms. _Don't make me do this. Please. I don't wanna…_

_Then what_ do _you want?_

The Pharaoh is motionless.

_What do you want, Tana Mongeau?_

"Mummy," she whimpers, resigned to yet another unhappy ending, "I just wanna go home."

Tana's cry for home is enough to activate the Pharaoh's violent instincts. His empty eye sockets fix on Justine as if he's a sniper aiming his gun at her, and he starts marching towards her with an obvious intent to kill.

Justine screams "No! _No!"_ and runs for the knife that she spotted earlier. _I can't die!_ shrieks every cell that makes her who she is. _If I can get a weapon, I can stop him. I_ have _to stop him!_

"Stop!" shouts Tana. "Why?"

And then—_hope._ Justine's fingers close over the hilt of the blade. _I got it!_ Now, more than ever, she's an Adventurer, battling the dangers of the jungle. Fight or flight, isn't it? Flight didn't work before. It's time to fight.

_This is my redemption._ She charges at the mummy. _I'm Justine Ezarik, the Adventurer, and I'm_ done _running from monsters like you._

Her knife slashes the mummy's chest.

"Yes! Yes!" Tana cheers. "Stab him! Stab him! Stab him!"

Justine stabs him. Once. Twice. Three times. He should be _dying_ by now. "Die!" she yells in a hoarse voice as sand trickles out of the wounds she's inflicted.

But the Pharaoh isn't dead.

_Why isn't he dead?!?_

Oh, _duh!_ The heart! She's got to go for the heart!

She drives her blade into the mummy's heart. _That's for all those stupid jumpscares!_ she thinks ferociously. _Now_ die _already!_

It doesn't work. The Pharaoh's still standing. Even as she goes for another attack, he seizes her neck with both his ancient hands. She croaks one last "No!" before he begins to squeeze her throat. As her oxygen supply disappears, it's all she can do to run her knife through her assailant's chest a few more times.

Tana's crying somewhere.

_I'm not gonna make it..._ Justine can't breathe, or speak, or even _move,_ but she'd still rather die like this than die begging for someone to save her. _Tana...Ro...Joey, please...protect everyone...be their hero...I know...we can...redeem..._

The lights of Egypt go out forever.

_It's all my fault._ Tana slumps against the jeweled key's box, her forehead resting on her forearms, her tears falling fast. _I set the mummy on her. I didn't help her fight. If I hadn't been such a coward, maybe she wouldn't be gone._

But where, exactly, did Justine Ezarik go? What is life beyond the afterlife?

Her body lies within the sand. She comes across as fast asleep; a passerby might think that she'll wake up soon, but Tana knows better. There's no waking her up now. Even the knife that's still clenched tightly in her right first serves as a painful reminder that she lost her final fight.

The key's box unlocks. Tana pushes her grief to the back of her heart in order to open the box and claim the jeweled key. "Mummy," she snarls, "go back to wherever you came from."

To his credit, the Pharaoh obliges, leaving Tana alone with her so-called triumph.

Mortimer comes out of the shadows. "We gotta go. They're waiting for us."

"But what about her?" Tana indicates Justine. "Are we just gonna leave her here?"

"I'm sorry," sighs Mortimer, "but there's no time. The Armageddon Clock..." He gently escorts Tana out of the Sands. "The best way to honor her is to get the other eight keys before it's too late."

Tana nods solemnly. Mortimer's right. She can't afford to waste time being the useless little Saloon Girl who was easy to betray. Now that she's proven herself to the group, she has to find the keys, beat this evil game, and get them all home. For Justine's sake.

It's been fifteen minutes since Justine and Tana left for the Sands of Egypt, and those who remain have spent ten of those minutes prodding Joey for information about their surviving friends. Rosanna beamed from ear to ear when told that Matthew "MatPat" Patrick and Nikita Dragun are "looking for a way to get us out of here as we speak." Alex, on the other hand, nearly cried at the news that his dear friend, Tyler Oakley, created the Alexander Burriss Memorial Fund for the Prevention of Violent Crime in his honor. Gabbie dryly remarked that she's "not surprised" to hear that Andrea Russett escaped the Victorian era. As for Tim, he's just glad that Oli White and Eva Gutowski are doing okay.

But their retrospective has just been delayed by far more pressing concerns.

"I don't know if y'all realize this," frets DeStorm, "but the damn Armageddon Clock is at twelve midnight now." He points to the clock. "Last time we was here, it was at ten o'clock. The sun comes up at six o' clock in the morning, which means that this thing is gonna turn all of us to dust. Well, all of _you_ to dust," he corrects himself, "cause _I'm_ not dying."

Tim has lots of thoughts about this, all of which are four-letter words.

Rosanna shrugs out of her fancy coat. "Okay. I need to breathe."

"Well, I'm just confused," Colleen pipes up, "cause I thought Joey said he was coming to save us, and now, one by one, we're getting picked off again."

"Okay, well, things _change,_ okay?" snaps Joey, who's clearly on edge.

"Uh, no, this is the _same thing,_ Joey!" Tim retorts. "What are you talking about?" To be fair, it's kind of their fault for agreeing to come along on Joey's super death funtime joyride a second time. _Fool me once, shame on...me? Fool me twice...shame on...just shame, you know?_

Gabbie can't get that note out of her brain. _A final death in Hell..._ She's no expert on afterlife politics, but she's smart enough to know what that means. _Whoever dies in that death challenge is going straight to Hell, and since there are nine keys, that's...not good news for us._

The door opens. In walks the last person Gabbie _ever_ expected to win a challenge.

"Tana?!?"

She struts into the lounge, waving the first jeweled key around like a magic wand. "I did it!" Her tone is the proudest variety of depression that Gabbie's ever heard.

Gabbie's jaw hits the floor. _Tana won?_ Tana _won? Tana "Walking Fuck-Up" Mongeau? Is the world ending?_ But despite her colossal shock, she's happy for her friend. _Looks like she'll last longer than I thought._

On the other hand, Justine's burning in Hell now, so there's that.

_Where is she?_ Joey's heart stops cold. _She said she was coming back! She_ told _me that I'd see her in a minute! Why is Tana here? Where's my best friend? Where's Justine?_

She's dead. That's where she is. Dead and gone for eternity.

_I was supposed to save her!_

"Justine died a hero," Tana says softly as Rosanna curls into a sad ball on the couch. "She fought the mummy. She almost got him, too..."

"So you kinda killed her, but really didn't?" asks Bretman.

Gabbie shakes her head. "No, but for sure did."

Not even Tana's report of Justine's bravery can make Joey feel better about her death, because she shouldn't have had to die at all. "Wait, guys." He can't find the words to express how he's feeling. "There's...like...she's _really_ gone." _I can't even do a rescue mission without it turning into a survival mission. I really_ am _cursed._

"Joey, where'd she go?" questions Rosanna.

"She's in Hell!" Gabbie exclaims. "The paper said Hell! We'll be sent to Hell forever!"

_Justine…in Hell?_ The terrible thought drains the blood from Joey's face. _No! It's not true! It's a lie! I won't believe it!_

In his mind, her eyes twinkle as she laughs.

_I…won't…believe…it…_

Rosanna remembers where she was when she found out that Justine didn't survive the 2016 massacre. She was in her kitchen, feeding her dog, and she got the news via a phone call from Justine's sister, Jenna. It was, at that point in time, the worst day of Rosanna's life.

Now, in death, she's found Justine...only to lose her again.

_God, if you're listening, have mercy on Justine Ezarik. Please, please,_ please _don't leave her in Hell._

Alex nods at the key. "Let's do it?"

"Baby girl," says DeStorm to Tana, "come on. Grab the key."

As Tana reaches for the key, Colleen stands up. "Wait, do you guys understand what's about to happen? As soon as she puts that in there, one of the exhibits is gonna get unleashed."

"Yeah, literally _anything_ could happen," adds Tana.

_Oh. Right._ Rosanna pales. _More monsters. More voting. More death. When will this vicious cycle be over?_

"Is that what happens?" Tim wipes his eyes. "What else could it be?"

"Okay, Justine didn't die for nothing," declares Joey. "Just put it in the slot."

"Hey, that's what she said," jokes Tim.

Tana walks up to the giant vault, finds the correct keyhole, and slips the key in.

Rosanna hugs herself. "Creepy museum." If she gets out of here, she'll put some extra flowers on Justine's grave. It's what her friend deserves.

As much as Alex doesn't like DeStorm Power, he has to admit that his rival is _awesome_ at not giving a damn. DeStorm's the only one in the group who hasn't so much as flinched at the news of Justine's death. Alex envies him. It must be nice to be so used to this world.

"What could it be?" Tim asks. "I don't know my history."

Tana turns the key, and instantly, a box pops open.

"Omigosh!" gasps Joey.

"Oh!" Alex makes a beeline for the box. "What is this?" He takes out a gold coin. It's got some kind of inscription on it, but he can't make out the details. "What is it? Can you guys see what it is?"

Gabbie takes a closer look. "It looks like bones..."

Alex gets distracted by a suspicious-looking clump of fog outside the glass door. "Oh, whoa, look at the...look at the fog!" He sets the coin down and opens the door, hoping to figure out what's going on.

The next thing he knows, he's being choked by a bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Justine. You deserved better then, and you _still_ deserve better now.  
Next chapter: The group travels from Ancient Egypt to Ancient India, all while collecting gold coins and dealing with an avian miser. Also, Alex and DeStorm just might end up as..._friends?_ Gasp! Inconceivable!


	15. Jackpot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our nine surviving heroes are up against Garuda, a bird-man from Ancient India who cares only for gold. To defeat him, they've got to do a little gold-digging themselves.

Alex can't breathe.

His attacker is not, in fact, a giant bird, but only a man dressed in yellow feathers and an ornamental bird mask. Nevertheless, the bird-man is strong enough to throttle Alex with the ferocity of a melee fighter, and Alex is already feeling light-headed. _Am I about to die?_ he worries. _Is this guy going to choke me to death in front of all my friends?_

"Don't touch my gold!" screeches the bird-man. "Give it back, or I'll tear you to pieces!" He shoves Alex against a nearby couch, then disappears into the night.

"Alex!" Joey cries.

The stunned Aviator takes a moment to recover from his near-death experience before half-yelling-half-squeaking "What was _that?"_

"Why would you open that door?" Joey berates him. "You idiot!"

"I di..." Alex trails off upon realizing that he really _was_ an idiot for going to investigate the _clearly_ dangerous fog. This kind of thing is what got him killed in the Victorian game. Shouldn't he know better by now?

"What did he say?" Colleen begs to know. "What did he say?"

"Who has the coin?" asks Tana.

_The coin._ Everything falls into place for Alex. _That's what the bird-man wants._ After what just happened, he's not inclined to give it to him.

Mummies are one thing. But _bird people?_ Tana feels like she's taking crazy pills!

Joey finds a piece of paper in the doorway. "Guys, there's a note."

"There's a note!" repeats Colleen.

_Garuda traded his soul for gold, and you soon will do the same. Gather as many coins as you can, because the two with the fewest coins at the end will be forced into the final challenge._

Being a YouTuber, Tana's pretty familiar with the idea of trading her soul for gold. She's positive that someone's made a conspiracy theory about it. _Tana Mongeau is Illuminati! She sold her soul to the devil in order to get rich and famous on YouTube, and she's secretly brainwashing her fans into doing the same!_ Or something like that. Come to think of it, are they still making videos about her now that she's gone?

At any rate, she doesn't want to be forced into a death challenge for not grabbing enough coins. Why _that,_ of all things? "This is so messed up."

"It's like 'every man for ourselves, go find as many coins as you can?'" realizes Gabbie.

She gets a few "yeahs" in response.

Tana bites her lip. She hopes that her gold-digging tendencies will keep her safe, because watching Justine die has hurt her _more_ than enough.

Tim's got a bad history with gold. There was a guy...what was his name? Connor? Cole? Something like that. Anyway, whatever-his-name-was had a thing for gold, and it got Tim killed in the end. Now that Tim's back, his brand-new life depends on gathering gold coins, because the universe probably thinks it's funny to pull that shit on him.

"All right, well, I'm gonna start looking," announces Colleen, "cause I don't wanna be the one with the least coins." She takes off.

"So we can just look everywhere?" Alex asks.

DeStorm rolls his eyes. "It's always something."

Rosanna walks away while muttering "find coins, find coins" to herself.

Everybody scatters. They all just want to dive into the situation without thinking about it. _You guys..._ Tim's danger senses are tingling. _This can't be a good decision._

But he's the only one who gives a damn about the possible consequences. The others are too busy playing along with the scavenger hunt.

"What is that?" Alex pokes at a dinosaur skull. "Ooh!"

Cawing noises fill the air. Tim assumes it's that stupid bird-man who was bothering them a second ago. _Another miser._ Honestly, Indian Big Bird can go to Hell.

Joey gulps. "You guys hear that bird noise?"

"Yes!" Gabbie shouts back.

The group reconvenes. "Where's that coming from?" questions Mortimer.

"Oh," says Alex, "what is this?"

"This" is a bronze statue, shorter than Rosanna, of an...elephant-man-thing? Is it real? Is Tim seeing things? Is all that booze kicking in?

_Indian Exhibit,_ reads the sign on the statue's arm.

"The exhibit's out front," says Joey.

A chorus of "ohs" wash through the group. As they follow Joey outside, Tim takes another drink. The cat on his flask is starting to look like the one he left behind.

Gabbie's never done a challenge quite like this before. But hey, it'll give her a break from voting for people to die, _and_ it caters to her love of bling. She's down.

"Whatever just choked Alex is out there," Tana cautions the group. "Be careful."

"Yeah," agrees Tim.

Outside, the Indian exhibit is bright, colorful, and _very_ expensive. There are tables with fancy tablecloths, drapes, pillars of gold, and jewels everywhere. Gabbie grins like a maniac at the sight of all the treasure. _Now_ this _is a challenge I can win!_

Garuda stands at the center of the exhibit, frantically searching through its riches. "Where is it?" The bird-man picks up a necklace of white beads, only to fling it back on the table. "Who stole my gold? I'll kill them! Where is it?" He kicks a bronze jar to the ground in a fit of rage. Gabbie thinks that he looks like a kid throwing a tantrum.

"Why is he angry?" asks Joey.

"He's missing something," Colleen replies. "He's looking for something. Is he looking for the coin that we have?"

Garuda stomps away, presumably to go make a mess of the rest of the museum.

"Should we go?" murmurs Bretman.

Joey nods. "Let's go."

"Let's go," echoes Gabbie. "Come on." _No time like the present to go get me some cash._

"Look for coins," says Joey.

Gabbie does exactly that. She descends upon the exhibit like a vulture descending upon a carcass, determined to collect as many coins as she can. While the others search the floor, she rifles through a black box, where she finds several coins ripe for the taking. _These are mine._ She pockets them. _I'm the rich and famous Hollywood Star. If I can't find enough coins to live, what's the point of my role?_

"Wait!" yells Joey. "There's a scroll!"

Colleen picks it up. "You guys, there's a scroll. Come here." Sure, it's important for her to find gold so that she doesn't get killed, but if there are instructions, it's probably best to read them first so that she understands what's going on.

"Listen, listen, listen!" hollers Joey, doing his best to get the group's attention so that they can listen to Colleen.

_Okay, he's still an asshole, but at least he's helping a little,_ thinks Colleen as she reads the scroll aloud.

_The waters of Garuda are tainted with the blood of his victims. You must find a way to cleanse it by connecting the water to a source of pure light._

So they need to find a source of pure light. Colleen doesn't know if they have anything to make that happen. It's not like there are any outlets in Purgatory.

"The moon?" suggests Gabbie.

Tana tilts her head. "Fire? The moon? Light?"

"We need to find a Brita filter," is Rosanna's idea.

"Oh, alkaline!" Tim exclaims. "Alkaline water!"

At last, Alex comes up with an answer that isn't ridiculous. "Is it these lamps?" He points at the lamps in question. "It's the only light we got."

"Can we use all the pearls and connect it?" Colleen picks up some pearl necklaces from the menagerie of jewels around her. "I mean, we have all this stuff." _If we have it, we should use it._

"You guys." Alex's eyes light up. "What if we just have to connect them any way we can? So if we hold hands and reach for both these lamps and the water..." He smiles at the skeptical group. "It's worth a try!"

_Sure._ Colleen shrugs. _Everything's worth a try around these parts._

Joey's heart isn't in this.

He can't stop thinking about Justine. The memory of her first death, which has become a staple in his nightmares over the past three years, is now at war with the memory of the last smile she gave him before disappearing into the Sands of Egypt. _I got a second chance with her, just like I always wanted,_ mourns his grief, _but I screwed up. I let her go. She's dead because of me. She might be burning in Hell because of me._

It's lonely in Hell. Joey never meant to leave Justine alone.

But once again, there's a job to do. So Joey touches the handle of a lamp, Tana takes his other hand, and one by one, the YouTubers band together to create a human chain all the way to the fountain. Gabbie, who's at the other end of the chain, reaches out for the fountain's basin of water.

"Can we reach?" asks Rosanna.

"Okay, here we go," Alex calls out. "Wait, wait, not yet. Okay, ready?"

Joey's fingers are getting sore. "Touch the water!"

"Wait, touch the water," says Alex to Gabbie.

"Gabbie," Rosanna cheeps, "touch the water!"

Gabbie touches the water. The fountain lights up, and everyone screams. "Whoa!" yells Gabbie. "Okay!"

"Guys, look." Mortimer points upwards to a projection that's suddenly appeared on the side of the building. "What's up there? Does that say something?"

_Pay the one who never forgets._

Colleen solves the riddle right away. "Like an elephant! An elephant never forgets!"

"Okay." Joey thinks she's right. "Look for an elephant."

Alex finds a ceramic elephant. "Right here!" he proclaims.

"Colleen, that was _so_ smart!" gushes Rosanna.

_Yeah, Colleen, you're amazing,_ Joey almost says, but he bites his tongue. She won't want to hear it from him. He burned his bridge with her long ago, and as much as he longs to rebuild their friendship, he knows that such a dream will never come true.

Unless...

_"It's for everyone."_

He's here to make things right. Maybe mending fences with Colleen Ballinger is the first step towards the redemption he craves.

Bretman doesn't want to be scared. Bad bitches aren't _supposed_ to be scared. But one of the people he came to save is dead, there's a bird-bitch after his ass, and getting rich quick is _literally_ the only way to survive. Not being scared is _impossible_ under _these_ circumstances!

"I have the coin," says Joey, and he puts it in the elephant.

The next thing anyone knows, it's raining coins. _Hallelujah!_ Bretman knows money when he hears it, so he goes for a V-line to grab as many as he can. Everyone else has the same idea.

"Omigod!"

"Grab 'em! Grab 'em!"

"Make it rain!"

It's every man and woman for themselves. They scramble, steal, push, shove, snatch, and do whatever it takes to succeed in their quest for gold.

"Come here!" Rosanna daintily takes her share of the wealth. "Coins!"

"I feel like a stripper!" remarks Tana, who's on her hands and knees.

Bretman zips around the exhibit, collecting coins at the speed of light. "I'm so good!" His pockets jingle. Pride smothers the fear in his chest. As long as he stays on top of the game, he should be okay.

Alex has a decent amount of coins. He thinks that he has enough to be safe, although he can't be entirely certain. How many coins were there to begin with? He needs percentages. Numbers. _Facts._ They're cold and hard, but in his experience, they don't hurt like feelings do.

There's DeStorm, frowning at his own coin-filled hands. He doesn't seem happy.

_He didn't get enough, huh?_

Maybe it's impulse. Maybe it's fate. Maybe it's selflessness taking the wheel. But something inside Alex makes him tap DeStorm on the shoulder, stammer "Uh, here, this is for you," and hand over a coin to the man he once hated more than death itself.

_It's better to have him on my side,_ he rationalizes afterwards. _You can never have too many favors owed to you._

DeStorm is floored. Alex Wassabi—_Alex,_ his rival, his most hated enemy, the man who got him killed—has just given him a coin. But _why?_ What's the long game here? Is this another trick?

Alex's soft smile reassures him that this is not a trick. It's a proposition.

_He wants to be my ally._

The more that DeStorm thinks about it, the more that he's on board with this unexpected alliance. Alex, for all his peskiness and self-righteous bullshit, is smart, resourceful, quick on his feet, and capable of kicking _serious_ ass. He'll make a _great_ ally. Besides, DeStorm will team up with _anyone_ if it means that the group might hate him less.

_But don't go thinking that we're friends now, kid,_ he silently warns the Aviator. _If you try anything squirrelly, I'll send you straight to Hell._

"Did we get them all?" Gabbie asks.

"Yeah, I know I got a _lot,"_ crows DeStorm. "Y'all going _down."_ Actually, he only got a few, but what the others don't know won't hurt them.

"Guys, guys, there's a trunk with another note on it," says Tana.

Joey rushes over. "What does it say?"

_Sacrifice two coins by tossing them in the fountain to open. Decide carefully. Those with the fewest coins left at the end will be forced into the final challenge._

"Okay, guys." Colleen crosses her arms. "We need to figure out who has the least."

DeStorm sucks in a breath as his coins grow heavy in his pocket. _I ain't giving up no coins! No way, no how!_

Everybody counts their coins. Colleen is confident that she got at _least_ twenty, if not more. She _has_ to stay safe. If she ends up in this challenge, she'll eat her hat.

Gabbie finishes counting first. "I have fourteen."

"I have fourteen!" repeats Tana, beaming at Gabbie as if they're twins.

"Whoo!" Tim cheers. "Fifteen, son!"

_Twenty-six...twenty-seven...twenty-eight._ "I have twenty-eight," reports Colleen proudly.

"Twenty-eight?!?" Gabbie screams.

"Honey," laughs Colleen, "I'm not gonna die!" _Not again. Flynn's counting on me._

Joey holds up his own stash. "I have twenty-four."

As the others make impressed noises, Colleen hurls a smirk in the Savant's direction. _I'm winning, Joey._ She's reminded of games the two of them used to play, and her heart longs for old times, but her wounds stand firm.

"Eighteen," says Rosanna.

"I have thirty-two!" Bretman brags. "Catch up!"

"How many do _you_ have?" Colleen asks DeStorm, since he's the only one who hasn't revealed his coin results.

DeStorm gets defensive. "Doesn't matter."

"What do you mean, it doesn't matter?" Colleen hates liars, cheaters, and people who act like they have something to hide. DeStorm Power is currently ticking _all_ those boxes. "Come on! You have to play fair, DeStorm! Come on!" _You tell us the truth_ right _now, or else I'm never trusting you again. I promise you that._

DeStorm's _not_ about to broadcast how many coins he has to any damn fool who thinks they ought to know. That's _his_ business. Where does Colleen get off thinking she can stick her nose into his loot? Her and her twenty-eight coins...does she just want to rub it in?

But Joey's on Colleen's side. "How many do you have?"

"I have twelve," says Alex.

So DeStorm beat _one_ person. Well, it's better than beating no one at all.

_You know what? Fine. I'll play their way._ "I got thirteen."

"Let us see!" Colleen demands. "You're acting shady!"

_Oh, now you don't believe me?_ "He has twelve! I got thirteen!" _Y'all are just like them! Always making me out to be a monster! Well, guess what, assholes? I don't need you! I don't need_ nobody!

Everyone's fighting. That's no good. Rosanna _hates_ it when her friends fight. Why can't they just give two coins to the fountain and be done with it?

"Oh, isn't _that_ convenient, that you have one more than him?" scoffs Colleen as DeStorm tries to defend himself. "Let's see how many you have!"

"Yeah, show your coins!" shouts Tana.

DeStorms stands his ground. "I don't have to show my coins! I have thirteen! He has twelve coins!"

"Oh, so we're gonna take your word?" Tana snorts.

Rosanna feels sorry for DeStorm. Maybe he's embarrassed. Maybe he couldn't grab as many as other people. Ganging up on him like this will only make him more agitated and less willing to help them. If they want to escape the museum, they should work as a team, not tear potential friendships apart with petty bickering.

Gabbie throws up her hands. "We need somebody to sacrifice two coins!" she snaps, causing everyone to shut up.

"I got y'all." Bretman steps forward. "It's on me. It's on me."

_Finally!_ Rosanna sighs in relief. _Thank you, Bretman!_

Bretman's used to covering the bill anyway, so what's two coins for the general good of all? Plus, he's _fine._ He's got more than thirty coins. _If you ain't in the thirties club, you're broke, and I don't speak broke._

He tosses two coins into the fountain, opening the trunk. Alex takes a note out of the trunk and reads it.

_Garuda guards the next key, which he will never give up alive. Prophecy requires he be slain by his own blades. They have been hidden by Kali, a demon goddess, to taunt him. One is in Heaven, and one is in Hell._

"So we gotta split up," says DeStorm.

_Again,_ thinks Bretman.

_Be careful. If Garuda captures you, he'll take half your coins._

Joey's jaw drops. "Half of your coins?!?"

"Damn," whistles Tim.

_You're not getting_ my _coins, honey._ Bretman defiantly pats the bag of gold coins that lives in his left pants pocket. _Rich bitches don't interact with broke birds, so stay out of my way._

Mortimer jerks his thumb towards the way out. "All right, you guys!"

"Let's go!" says Joey.

Bretman joins Joey, Mortimer, Colleen, Rosanna, and Alex. Gabbie, Tana, DeStorm, Tim, and the Sorceress go in the other direction. As he settles in with his new group, Bretman wonders if he's bound for Heaven or Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: We're going to Heaven! Also, Rosanna is stronger than she looks, and Bretman is still pulling his weight.


	16. Heaven is a Place in Purgatory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey, Alex, Rosanna, Colleen, and Bretman are in the heavenly group. Will these five angels find the blade, or will they fall victim to the wrath of Garuda?

Mortimer takes Colleen, Joey, Alex, Bretman, and Rosanna to the Shrine of Vishnu. This is Purgatory's so-called Heaven, apparently. Colleen's mental image of Heaven did _not_ contain a bunch of vines, but whatever. It's not Hell. That's all that matters.

"Be careful," she whispers. "We're looking for a blade, right?" _I've always sorta wanted to use a blade._

"Oh, there's a statue!" Alex points to a statue of Vishnu. "I see it!"

Bretman sees it too. "The statue." He leads the group to the statue, which is surrounded by three candles, then reads the note that waits along with a box at the statue's feet.

_Vishnu is the guardian of the heavens, and beneath his feet lies a secret. Prove your worthiness by completing Vishnu's three trials. They must be completed one at a time in the proper order._

The last time that Colleen helped her group complete a series of trials, they involved fear, pain, and blood. Hopefully, these trials will involve none of those things.

_Trial number one: carrying the holy water._

"Carrying the holy water?" Alex's eyes bounce around the area. "We gotta look...we need to find..."

"Over here!" shouts Joey, who's just found two buckets of water connected by a yoke. It looks like something out of an old-timey picture. Since this is a museum, Joey's not surprised to see yet another relic of the past, but he _really_ hopes that he won't be the one to carry it. The thought _alone_ is tiring him out.

Alex smiles. "We need to carry the holy agua."

_The holy agua?_ Joey suppresses a chuckle. _At least Alex is_ trying _to keep his spirits up._ Knowing what the Aviator has been through, it's hard to tell if his cheerfulness is genuine or fake.

Joey crouches down to read the note that comes with the yoke of buckets. "What is this?" he murmurs.

_The weakest among you must carry my blessed burden to Shiva and back. If you cannot do it, you must toss two coins over the edge._

"Who's the smallest, tiniest person here?" ponders Alex, staring at the four-foot-ten Rosanna with all the subtlety of a laser beam. "Anybody?"

Rosanna squeaks.

But Joey agrees with Alex's logic. Rosanna Pansino, in addition to being the shortest, hasn't had a moment to prove herself yet. Now is her time. Besides, he trusts her to complete the task without screwing things up. "This is your job," he tells her. "You got this."

"Okay," the little Socialite sighs. "Okay."

He _knew_ he could count on her.

Rosanna is _so_ not the weakest! She's got muscles! She can do twenty weighted push-ups! She beat Colleen in an arm wrestling match! Just because she's a little on the short side does _not_ make her the weakest! _Do I_ look _like the weakest to you?_

But she loves her friends. If they want her to carry the holy water, then she'll carry the holy water to the best of her ability.

She picks up the pails, puts them on her back, and starts walking towards Shiva.

"Hey, you got this!" cheers Alex.

Colleen grins encouragingly. "Okay, Ro!"

The buckets are _really_ heavy. It's a struggle for Rosanna to balance them, especially since she's wearing heels and a corset, but she clenches her jaw and concentrates on her job. "Buh-buh-buh-buh." Her breath comes out of her mouth in tiny, heavy gasps.

"Watch out, honey," cautions Bretman. "Slow and steady."

Rosanna's heels feel like they're about to break. _I can do this._ Even as the weight on her back turns to pain, she doesn't give up. _My friends are counting on me. I won't let them down._

Bretman's still motivating her. "Chin up, honey!"

"Go back once you get to the statue," Joey advises.

Once Rosanna reaches the statue, she touches it, then turns around. _Almost there. Just gotta walk back now. The hard part's pretty much over._

"Touch...okay..." Alex monitors her progress. "Oh, you're _good_ at this!"

"I've been deceived by her small stature!" is Colleen's take on things.

_See?_ Rosanna triumphantly puts the buckets back where she found them. _I'm not weak at all! I'm just as strong as the rest of you! I'm a fighter, and I'm gonna stick it out till the end!_

"All right!" cheers Alex. "We did it!"

"Yes!" whoops Bretman.

The first of the three candles lights up.

Rosanna beams. She's singlehandedly completed the first challenge. Years of being a gymnast have paid off.

_Trial number two: the sacred stump._

Alex finds the sacred stump. It doesn't look different from any other stump, so he doesn't see what's so sacred about it. He can only assume that it's part of Indian culture. "Here we go." There are instructions in front of the stump. "Okay."

_Face the mountain and hold the sacred pose for thirty seconds._

"Yoga!" exclaims Rosanna.

The last time that Alex did yoga was during a yoga challenge with Lauren. Anything that reminds him of Lauren hurts, but it doesn't matter. She's gone. He's here. If he finds her, he finds her (and he _knows_ that he saw her), but for now, the group needs him more than she does. "I'll do it." He stands on the stump. "I know yoga."

"We need two people to do it," says Colleen. "Look." She traces her finger over the instructions' depiction of the sacred pose.

Joey steps up. "I'll help Alex," he declares to the group at large.

Alex shrugs his shoulders and helps him onto the stump.

"I'm actually _really_ good at the tree pose," Joey brags.

"Just like this." Rosanna holds up the diagram. "Just like this. Like this, okay? So you need to put your foot up on the side, and you gotta intertwine, and then put your hands up, too."

Alex and Joey do as she says. "Okay," says Alex. "Let's hold each other up. Hold me up a little bit." _This isn't as easy as it looks._

Colleen tries to help. "Put your leg up in the crotchimus..." She shakes her head as Alex and Joey flail on the stump. "Omigod."

Whereupon the boys fall off the stump.

"Sorry, sorry." Alex's brain races to find another solution. "Wait, let's switch sides. Maybe..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," agrees Joey hurriedly.

They switch sides. It's a challenge, because _Joey got them hips,_ but eventually, the boys strike the proper pose. "Your hips are..." Alex almost laughs. "Okay, okay, go."

Colleen, Bretman, and Rosanna count from one to thirty. The planets align, and the boys complete their task.

The second candle lights up.

Joey and Alex scream their way off the stump. _That wasn't too bad,_ thinks Alex. _Actually, that was more fun than I thought it would be._

_Trial number three: the prayer plaques._

But before the group can begin work on those, Garuda runs in, yelling "I'll rip you apart!" at the top of his lungs.

_Shit! It's the bird!_ Bretman takes to his heels. _Way to spoil the party, asshole!_

"Bird-man's back!" screams Alex.

Joey, Rosanna, Alex, and Colleen scramble into hiding. Bretman, meanwhile, is stuck out in the open, trying to find a hideaway that hasn't already been taken by one of his friends. Unfortunately, just as he takes refuge in a nice pair of curtains, Garuda spots him and swoops towards his new hiding place.

_Omigosh!_ Bretman's out of options. Garuda's coming right for him, and there's nowhere left to run. _Obviously, he's gonna come for the richest one! Nobody comes for broke bitches!_ His thirty coins rattle like gold warnings in his pocket.

Garuda attacks. "You're coming with me!" he sneers as he takes Bretman hostage.

"Bretman, no!" Joey cries.

Suddenly, Bretman regrets his decision to wear his brightest yellow coat in the darkness of Purgatory.

Colleen watches from her hiding spot as Bretman gets captured by Garuda. This means that half the Playboy's coins will be stolen by the bird-man...which is actually good for Colleen, because now _she_ has the most.

With Bretman and the bird-man both gone, the other four YouTubers huddle over the prayer plaques. "There's an arrow here," Colleen notices, "and it says _everything...I...words...my...or...the."_ These words make _zero_ sense to her. "Omigosh, there's _gotta_ be something missing from that. Why does the arrow point to _everything?"_ She frowns. "Yeah, there's pieces missing..."

"Wait!" Joey has gone to investigate some nearby pillars. "These have other words, too! Look for other things like this!"

"I'll get this one," says Alex. "You got that one?"

Colleen heads for the closest pillar, because she likes convenience. "Oh, here's one!"

As it turns out, there are five pillars, each with a number in the center of a circle of words. One word in each circle has an arrow pointing to it. "Maybe the thing that has the arrow is the word," Joey hypothesizes. "I'm at four."

"I'm at two." Colleen touches the number on her pillar. "Who's at one?"

"Five," calls out Rosanna.

In Colleen's opinion, whoever set up this pillar system had _way_ too much time on their hands.

As soon as they're out of the others' line of sight, Garuda shoves Bretman against a wall. "Pay up, boy," he snarls. "Give me half your coins."

"Get your own coins, bitch," sasses Bretman.

“Your coins," Garuda snaps, his hand creeping dangerously close to Bretman's throat, "or your _life._ Choose!"

"Well," sighs Bretman, "when you put it like _that…."_ As much as he values his wealth, he'd rather be a poor bitch than a dead bitch, so he reluctantly counts sixteen coins into Garuda’s open palm.

"Good choice." Garuda lets Bretman go and makes a dramatic exit.

Bretman, now significantly poorer and _very_ much annoyed, rejoins the others. "Omigod, you guys!" he whines.

"Bretman, are you back?" asks Alex.

Bretman nods. "That broke bird took my coins!" _He_ better _not have doomed me to the challenge by doing that, cause if he did, I'm thinking that I want some chicken for dinner._

"Well, we have to hurry and finish so he doesn't take more," says Colleen matter-of-factly. "Bretman, go to Mortimer. He'll help you."

Joey counts people off. "Okay, read number one. You're two, Bretman three, I'm four. Ro, you're five."

"Ready?" asks Alex.

"Yes!" Colleen responds.

_I dunno what's going on right now,_ thinks Bretman as he joins Mortimer at the third pillar, _but I'll figure it out. I always do._

Joey, Alex, Colleen, Bretman, and Rosanna take turns cracking the code.

"Whatever..."

"...I..."

"...do..."

"...with..."

"...my..."

"...body..."

"...words..."

"...mind..."

"...I..."

"...vow..."

"...to..."

"...the..."

"...great..."

"...lord..."

"...Vishnu."

The third candle lights up. The box at the Vishnu statue's feet opens. The tasks are complete.

Victory invigorates Joey's morale. "We did it!"

"Yes!" Alex rejoices.

Bretman is the first to the box. "It's a sword," he remarks quietly.

"That's it!" Rosanna's eyes grow wide. "That's it! That's one of the blades!"

"That's the only blade that can kill him," says Alex.

Joey takes the blade. "Whoa..." It feels light in his hands; for a moment, he wonders if he's truly worthy to wield it. But his doubts are passing shadows. "Come on, bird-man! Let's see how you feel about my new weapon!" _After the other group gets the other blade, we can bring down Garuda once and for all._

As the group leaves Heaven, Colleen catches sight of something in the bushes. "Guys!" She picks it up. "I found a scroll!"

_Open me later._

Such phrasing sounds ominous, but ominous is the norm in Joey's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Why you should never make a deal with a demon. Also, DeStorm lies, Tim falls in love, and Gabbie hates boys.


	17. Highway to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim, DeStorm, Tana, and Gabbie are off to a Hell of Purgatory's making. There, they meet a demon. She seems charming on the surface, but she doesn't exactly have our heroes' best interests at heart...

Gabbie, of course, goes to Hell.

Well, it's not _really_ Hell. It's just the area of the Indian exhibit designated as Hell. No fire. No brimstone. Not even Justine. There's nothing to be scared of. Nothing at all...

...except for Garuda.

The bird-man jumps out at Gabbie, Tana, Tim, and DeStorm almost as soon as they reenter the museum. Everyone screams and runs away. "Run!" shrieks Tana.

"Shut the door!" Gabbie hears herself shout. "Shut the door!" She sounds like her brain's a million miles away from her body. It probably is.

Luckily for the group, the Sorceress is there to slam a pair of thick red doors right in Garuda's big-beaked face. Now that they're marginally safe from the avian menace, Gabbie is free to examine the first remotely Indian thing she finds, which is a statue of a Hindu woman with a plaque underneath it.

_The Hindu goddess Kali. Place one coin at my feet and chant my name five times._

"I'm not gonna sacrifice one of my coins," declares DeStorm.

Gabbie narrows her eyes at her old partner in crime. She trusted DeStorm before, and she still does, but she's got a sneaky feeling that he's keeping something from her. "How many do you have?"

DeStorm stammers wordlessly.

"I thought..." Tim frowns. "You said you had thirteen back there."

"Thirteen," grumbles DeStorm, but Gabbie can no longer tell whether or not he's talking to her honestly.

DeStorm, in Tim's humble Con Man opinion, is full of shit right now, and just because they're friends doesn't mean that Tim will let it slide. _Come on, man! Be honest with us! How many coins do you_ really _have in your bag?_ He sighs. _This is why I don't trust tall people._

Whatever. "How many do you guys have?" he asks Gabbie and Tana.

"We have fourteen," responds Gabbie.

Tim blinks. "Oh." So he has more coins than anyone else in his group.

"I'm more likely to get caught, though," Gabbie points out, "and if you get caught, you lose half your coins!"

"All right, all right, all right, all right." Tim's not the type to let an innocent lady come to harm if he can help it. "I got fifteen. I can spare _a_ coin, cause I like you guys." It's true. Tana, Gabbie, and even DeStorm are all cool people, and Tim doesn't want any of them to get hurt. He's lost enough friends already.

Gabbie smiles. "I like you too."

_Thanks, Gab._

So Tim puts a coin at the statue's feet. He wonders if he's going to regret this, but then again, it doesn't matter. What matters is that his friends stay safe.

"Okay, we have to chant five times," says Gabbie. "Ready?"

"What's her name?" asks Tim.

"Kali," Gabbie replies.

"Kali. I like that." Tim puts up West Side symbols. "West Side."

The four YouTubers chant Kali's name five times in quick succession. Blue lightning flashes, and out of the lightning comes the prettiest blue chick that Tim has ever seen. Things are looking up.

A beautiful blue thing has just appeared before DeStorm's eyes. She's got thick black hair, blood-red lips, well-defined cheekbones, a mischievous gaze, and a diamond-shaped crimson jewel in the center of her forehead. The top half of her body is clothed only with a myriad of Hindu necklaces, bracelets, and a pair of fancy nipple covers, all of which do wonders to show off her awesome rack. Her skirt, however, is made of human arms. DeStorm decides that he won't look below her waist.

"Omigod!" shouts Gabbie. "She's coming! She's coming! She's coming!"

"Oh!" whoops Tim.

The blue chick (Kali, no doubt) grins devilishly at them. "Someone is going to die tonight." Her voice is strong with an accent that promises excitement and danger together. "Or maybe all of you."

Gabbie gets that suspicious look on her face that DeStorm knows all too well. "What do you want from us?"

"What can a lowly demon do to help with your depraved cause?" Kali asks innocently, gesturing to herself as she speaks.

"We need a blade," says Gabbie.

Tim nods. "How do we get that?"

Kali's eyes widen with skeptical surprise. "You want _me_ to give _you_ the mightiest weapons of India?" She makes it sound like they're asking her to give them all of India.

"Yeah," says DeStorm. "That'd be dope." As hot as Kali is, he's not dumb enough to trust her completely. Not after the _last_ time he got tangled up with dangerous women.

"No small favor," Kali sneers.

But Gabbie, as always, is a savvy chick. "What can we do for you?"

"I will make you an offer." The smirk on Kali's pale blue face makes it obvious that her offer isn't going to be much fun for the YouTubers.

The Sorceress gets right in Kali's personal space. "Don't toy with us, demon whore!" she snarls, her expression contorted into a demented smile.

"Oh, wow," chortles Tim.

Tana covers her mouth with her hand. "Sorceress said whore."

"This bitch is not like the others," remarks Kali as she pushes the Sorceress away from her. Then, to the rest of the group, "Solve the blood riddle by placing the objects on the shelf from top to bottom in proper order. Then, I will give you your blade."

"The blood riddle." Gabbie looks and sounds queasy. DeStorm wants to tell her that they'll be fine, but he's not too sure of that himself.

"Fail," continues Kali, "and you will give me twenty coins. No other offers accepted." She takes out a hourglass and turns it upside down at the base of her statue. "Two coins to begin."

"Aw, come on, man!" Tim groans.

_Two coins to begin?_ DeStorm bristles. _She ain't getting none of_ my _coins!_

Tana doesn't like blood. Or riddles. Or potential coin loss. Or Kali, whose mutterings of "I can't wait to see some blood!" are setting off all kinds of warning bells. This whole business is very, _very_ much a bad idea, but they have to play along to get the blade. At least it's yet another chance for Tana to prove herself.

She turns to Gabbie, since Gabbie's the only one she trusts in this group. "We have to give her two coins."

"Oh, we'll each give her one," suggests Gabbie. "We'll each give her one."

"Yeah, yeah." That makes sense to Tana. After all, she and Gabbie have the same amount of coins.

"Give her two coins!" yells DeStorm.

"We _are,_ DeStorm!" Tana snaps at him. "We _are!"_ DeStorm's getting on her last nerve. No _way_ is he telling the truth about how many coins he has; honestly, he's just being the same villain he was back in the Victorian era. What the hell does Gabbie see in him?

DeStorm rolls his eyes. "Thank you!"

Gabbie and Tana each place a coin in Kali's open palm. With that done, Kali opens a compartment at the bottom of her statue's podium, revealing the blood riddle. Which is written in blood. On a severed arm.

Tana resists the urge to barf.

_The horrors of the world appear so small when high up._

Gabbie counts the lines written on the severed arm. "One, two, three, four, five, six." Then, she counts the shelves. "One, two, three, four five, six." There are six different lines of riddles on the arm, and there are six shelves. Gabbie immediately puts two and two together. "Okay, so each one of these lines is a clue. So let's collect all the items first."

Tana points. "Okay, so there's a heart over there." She takes the heart out of a dinosaur's eye socket. "There's a heart inside of here."

Gabbie turns away from the heart in time to prevent a panic attack.

"Okay," says DeStorm. "We got one."

_So far, so good,_ thinks Gabbie. _Now let's figure out the damn riddle before it's too late!_

Out of the corner of her eye, Tana spots the Sorceress getting intimately close to Kali. "You deserve a greater kingdom," the Sorceress whispers in Kali's ear, her hands caressing the demon's bare blue shoulders.

"This looks like my Instagram," observes Tana. _I mean, if the Sorceress rolls like this, I'm_ definitely _wiling to wife her up to get out of here. What's a little bit of seduction when our lives are on the line?_

Kali, for her part, seems intrigued by the Sorceress's affections. "What are you proposing?"

"Wow." DeStorm holds up his latest discovery. "I got a feather."

"All right, we have three of the objects," says Gabbie.

"That's not fair!" Tim complains as the Sorceress kisses Kali's neck. "You're distracting us right now!"

_As usual,_ Tana giggles to herself. _Leave it to the boys to get distracted by the sexy._ Not that she blames them. She's distracted too.

How is Tim supposed to concentrate on finding these objects if the Sorceress and Kali are out here canoodling in plain sight? It's like asking a starving man to ignore the delicious sandwich that's right in front of his face. He wants to get in the middle of that sandwich!

The Sorceress's fingertips dance on Kali's arm. "We kill the Collector," the Sorceress hisses, "and take the museum for ourselves."

But Kali laughs. "This bitch likes to play with fire." She pushes the Sorceress away once more.

That's hot. Kali's _hot._ She's just Tim's type, too. _There's something sexy about being with a woman that you know could chop off your head._ Tim would _totally_ do the devil's tango with her if she asked. Literally. She's a demon. That's how demons dance.

"Hurry up!" hollers DeStorm as Gabbie gathers more objects. "The time is running." He counts what they have so far. "Two, three, four, five...we need one more item, and we good."

Tim spots a cross hiding behind a suit of armor. "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" He snatches it up. "Check this out!"

"Okay!" cheers Gabbie. "That's perfect! Okay!"

At last, after an hour and a half of messing around, Tim has _finally_ found something important. Maybe he's not so useless after all.

Gabbie has come to the conclusion that her teammates are idiots. _Especially_ the boys. DeStorm and Tim are eyeing Kali up like she's a goddamn supermodel and not a demon with a belt made of _actual_ human arms. Even _Tana's_ sneaking a peek. Have they all lost their minds? Don't they know that there are so many _other_ hot people out there who are _not_ active threats to their health and safety?

Besides, time is ticking. If they don't solve this riddle, they'll have to give up twenty coins. Gabbie _refuses_ to let that happen.

_The horrors of the world appear so small when high up._

"Bird," is Gabbie's instant response. She hands the bird off to Tana, who goes to put it on the highest shelf.

_When you look closely, you realize how large they are._

_Look closely..._ Gabbie examines her small collection of objects. _The magnifying glass. It has to be._ She passes the magnifying glass off to DeStorm so that he can place it on its shelf.

"Okay," says Tim.

_One would think only the light of God would cast them away._

"I think we got that." DeStorm puts Tim's cross below the magnifying glass. "Boom."

_The evils of this world are deep in the souls of man._

"Heart," answers Gabbie, pointedly refusing to look at the heart. That's four done. She's _crushing_ this challenge. This is _her_ game.

_Mankind will never be able to gaze into the eye of their creators._

Gabbie looks up to see that Tana already has an eye at the ready. "Meet the gaze of the creators," the Hollywood Star rambles, gesturing to where the eye should go.

Tana places it accordingly. Then, she places the feather on the one remaining shelf, solving the riddle. A nearby chest opens up.

"Oh, shit!" Gabbie runs to the chest, her soul bursting with pride at her accomplishment. "Good for us, huh?" She pulls out a note and reads it.

_Making deals with demons is unwise. There's always a catch. You will receive the weapon once one of you is dead._

All of Gabbie's pride deflates out of her like helium out of a broken balloon. _Dammit._ She throws the note back into its chest. _We screwed up. We sold our souls to the devil. We solved the blood riddle and fell right into her trap._ She has half a mind to take one of those hands off Kali's belt and smack the demon woman in the face.

"Come on!" yells DeStorm. "You done _played_ us, girl!" _I got played! By a blue bitch!_

"I said it was a _blood_ riddle!" Kali's pretty face twists itself into rage incarnate. "I'm _waiting_ for the blood!"

"That was hot," is Tim's opinion.

_Tim, man, shut up!_

Kali calms down. "I have one more proposal. The one with the lowest amount of gold coins..." She tilts her head and studies the group through her night-black eyes, clutching a white scroll in her blue fist. "I will give you this scroll for two coins."

DeStorm shuffles his feet. It's no use. They'll find out eventually. He might as well just man up and say it. "I have the lowest amount."

"You were _lying?"_ Gabbie cries, and the betrayal in her voice is almost enough to mess with DeStorm's conscience.

"I _knew_ you were lying!" exclaims Tana.

"I got..." DeStorm pours his coins out into his hand and recounts them. "I got seven coins." Either he _majorly_ miscounted his coins before, or he just didn't want to believe that he could fail. Or both. It could be both. Either way, he's the bad guy again. Not even Gabbie trusts him anymore.

"All right, well, give her one!" Gabbie snaps.

"One?" DeStorm turns towards Kali. "Can I give you one?"

Kali shakes her head. "Two. My patience is running low." She sticks out her hand with an air of finality.

Gabbie won't look at DeStorm. "And so is our time."

As he hands over two coins in exchange for Kali's scroll, DeStorm has never felt more alone.

Yup. Tim knew it. DeStorm's a _total_ liar. It's a shame, too, because he was a bro when they were both alive. _People change._ Tim fiddles with his hands as he mentally files through memories of their friendship. _I guess some people change better than others._

DeStorm reads what it says on the outside of his new scroll.

_To be read at the Circle of the Fallen._

"All right," says Tim. _A surprise, huh?_ That's cool. He can take the suspense.

The group leaves. On his way out the door, DeStorm points at Kali. "I'll see you in 2019."

Tim follows his friends outside, but not before he waves a brief goodbye to his new blue boo. She waves back, beaming at him, and his heart does a bunny hop in his chest. _Hey, if Hell's got chicks like her, maybe it won't be so bad._

(There he goes again, looking on the bright side.)

But he's got more important things to worry about. Like DeStorm. Why did the sexy demon woman give him the scroll? Is it good? Or is it the final death of DeStorm Power? Either way, what does it mean for everyone else?

One thing's for sure: the sooner they kill the bird-man and get out of India, the better off they'll be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: A bunch of coin shenanigans that will lead two people straight into a death challenge. Also, DeStorm and Alex solidify their status as frenemies, Joey extends an olive branch towards Colleen, Bretman talks about his sex life, and Rosanna is just happy to be with her friends.


	18. Money Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. The poor get richer. The rich get poorer. At the end of this dance of coins, someone won't measure up.

_So, uh, we didn't get the weapon,_ Gabbie mentally rehearses while she and her teammates look for the other group, _but we_ did _kinda sorta sell the soul of someone in this group to a blue demon woman with an arm belt. Whoopsy daisy._ It sounds dumb even in her head.

DeStorm trails at the back of the pack, his eyes glued to his shoes. Gabbie's too tired to sort out whether or not she's mad at him.

They reach the Circle of the Fallen. "Omigod." A lump of dread forms in Gabbie's throat. "Is this where somebody's gonna die?"

"No!" Tana wails.

Right on schedule, Joey, Colleen, Bretman, Alex, and Rosanna show up. Gabbie stiffens at the sight of the blade in Joey's hand. _I guess they were smarter than us._

Colleen's hands are sweaty around her scroll as she steps into the Circle of the Fallen. _What the hell kind of name is that?_ she wonders. _Circle of the Fallen? They might as well call it the Circle of Death._

"Did you get the blade?" asks Tim.

Joey holds up his blade in response.

Gabbie turns pale. "We have bad news."

"We didn't get the blade," says DeStorm.

"What?" Alex's expression scrunches into disillusioned disappointment. "How?"

Tana mutters "the demon tricked us" with all the energy of depression.

_So while we're working hard,_ thinks Colleen, _and we get one of the blades, the other group does nothing?_ She supposes that she'll have to remember that for when it's inevitably time to vote again.

Not that she needs to worry about voting right now. What she needs to worry about is making sure that her twenty-eight coins are enough to keep her alive.

Tana's not in a very good mood. First Justine died in front of her, and then, she and her friends got tricked into a deadly deal with a demon. What's next? Another death? How many more friends will they have to lose before they break out of Purgatory's cycle of misery?

Tim glances at the ground, and his eyes gleam. "Oh, oh, oh, look at these symbols right here." He gestures to the nine symbols, eight black and one red, that litter the area. "What does this mean?"

"There's nine of them," Colleen notes. "I think we each need to stand on one."

"I'm not standing on the red one!" declares DeStorm.

"Oh, me neither." Alex hurries to go stand on a black symbol. "I don't know what that means, but me neither." He's the first to join the circle.

Joey is a bit confused. "Okay, do we each stand on one?"

Everyone scrambles for a symbol. Tana sets her sights on the one that looks the most inconspicuous, but Colleen beats her to it. The only one left now is the dreaded red symbol.

"Oh, looks like you're on the red one," says Alex. "Tana has to be on the red one."

Tana laughs nervously. "I have _such_ bad luck." _Of_ course _my slow ass is stuck on the red. What does that mean? Am I gonna be the first of the fallen?_

Gabbie tries to look on the bright side. "That could be the special one! Maybe you're immune!"

"Yeah." Tana shakes her head. "The _special_ one." _Special as in specially dead._

After Tana takes her place on the red symbol, the Circle of the Fallen's central display lights up orange. Everyone goes "oh," and "wow," except for Bretman, who's seen fancier lights on the runway. At least the orange sort of matches his jacket if he squints.

"Omigod, I'm scared," whimpers Tana.

Mortimer opens the box in the central display. "There's something on the back." He passes the lid to Joey, who reads what's written on it.

_It's almost time to count your coins and face Garuda. Reach into the box and claim one scroll. Start with the person on the red symbol and go around the circle to the right. Once everyone has drawn, open and read the scrolls in the opposite order. Any others found are read at the end._

So Tana _won't_ be murdered for standing on the wrong symbol. Bretman's glad. He really does like Tana.

One by one, the YouTubers draw scrolls. "So, wait," says Joey once everyone has a scroll, "let's have a recap. Who are our current bottoms?"

Bretman's face breaks into a grin at Joey's choice of words.

"Not me," says DeStorm.

Colleen looks scandalized. "Excuse you?"

"Bretman," Tana giggles.

She's not wrong. "I'm a bottom, period," admits Bretman with a shrug. Hey, they _asked._ Honesty is the best policy.

Now that all the sex jokes are out of the way, the _real_ work begins.

They do their coin recap. Alex has fourteen, Tim has thirteen, Colleen has twenty-eight, DeStorm has five, Bretman has sixteen, Gabbie has seventeen, Joey has twenty-five, Rosanna has eighteen, and Tana has seventeen. Alex, who has the third-least amount of coins, is slightly rattled, but he quickly reminds himself that a lot can happen here.

Since he's on the other side of the circle from Tana, he opens his scroll first.

_Give two coins to anyone._

"I'll take them," says Colleen. "It's fine. I volunteer."

Joey holds open his bag. "My bag's open!"

"Alex..." murmurs Gabbie.

Looking around, Alex realizes that his best bet is to get the strongest guy on his side. And who is stronger than DeStorm Power? "I'm gonna give my coins to DeStorm." _This is where I can solidify our alliance._

Tim clucks in disapproval. "You motherfucker."

A soft smile flutters across DeStorm's face, which is an odd sight to see. "Thank you," he whispers as Alex slips him two coins.

"You don't even _like_ DeStorm!" Bretman protests.

DeStorm's characteristic smugness is back in a flash. "Oh, yes he does."

_Do I?_ Alex still views his alliance with DeStorm as strictly strategy, and he hasn't forgotten what went down in the Victorian era, but he can't deny that there are some things about the Enforcer that he _does_ like. DeStorm is tough, confident, determined, and doesn't care what anyone thinks of him. He seems incapable of being emotionally hurt.

Maybe Alex could learn a few lessons from the guy he once wanted dead.

Tim's next. He's not looking too good at the moment. _Probably shouldn't have given up that coin, but hey, not much I can do about it now. Let's hope this scroll likes me!_

_Make someone give away half their coins, but they choose how. None of them can go to you._

"Damn!" Tim exclaims, disappointed with that last part.

Tana crosses her arms. "You should pick the person with the most amount of coins," she suggests.

"I think that makes the most sense," agrees Tim. "Is that..." He files through his mental records of everyone's coin totals before pointing at Colleen. "Is that you?"

Colleen makes a defeated noise with her lips.

_Sweet!_

"Fine." Colleen opens her bag. "I'm gonna evenly distribute these coins."

She divides fourteen coins between seven people, and Alex, Bretman, DeStorm, Gabbie, Joey, Rosanna, and Tana are all two coins richer. Tim's still stuck with a mere thirteen, but hey, at least he hasn't _lost_ any yet...

Colleen has gone from twenty-eight coins to fourteen coins in two seconds flat. Luck has _not_ been on her side so far. All she can do is pray that she at _least_ manages to hold on to the coins she still has. Of course, gaining some more wouldn't hurt.

There are words written on the outside of her scroll.

_Name someone you hate._

Rosanna gasps.

_Oh, nice!_ Colleen smirks. _I get to steal coins from a foe!_ "Well, I don't hate anybody," she says, "but I have strong negative feelings towards a couple of people here. One would be Joey, because we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you." _And because you shoved me into a box of spikes and murdered me. That too._

"Shame on you, Joey," says DeStorm.

Joey nods sadly. Colleen is struck with a random rush of pity for her friend-turned-foe. What if he really _is_ sorry for killing her? Can she take that chance? Will they _ever_ go back to how they were before Everlock?

_No. He hasn't apologized. He's given me nothing but excuses. I deserve better._

Tim leans in closer. "Who's the other person, though?" He sounds like a journalist snooping for a secret.

Oh, yeah. There _is_ one person in this group who Colleen's grown to dislike more than Joey. "DeStorm."

"We...we..." DeStorm puts his hands on his hips. "We have no history!"

"He hasn't been helpful at all, he's been rude, he's been shady, he just stands and lets us figure _everything_ out..." Colleen can feel a rant of epic proportions building up inside her, and the last time she let such a rant explode out of her mouth, it cost her a friend (among other things). But DeStorm is not her friend. DeStorm is a lying, cheating piece of shit, and he needs to get the hell out of everyone else's way.

Alex cuts her off. "What's the rest of her scroll say?"

Colleen opens the scroll.

_Give three coins to the person you named._

Suddenly, dying of embarrassment doesn't sound so bad.

DeStorm laughs long and loud. Colleen was over here going on about how bad he is, and now, she's got to give him her coins. _Ain't karma a bitch?_

"Damn!" whistles Tim.

Colleen reluctantly hands over the coins. DeStorm has twelve now, and it's his turn.

_Take three coins from anyone._

_Well, damn._ DeStorm's luck just keeps getting better and better. At this rate, he'll have the _most_ coins by the time they're all done here!

It doesn't take long for him to picks someone to rob. "Hi, Joey."

"That's fine!" Joey chirps. "I have enough! There you go!" He starts counting coins into DeStorm's collection. "Here's one...two..."

Before he can give DeStorm his third coin, DeStorm has a wonderful, awful idea. "Okay, no. I just wanted two." He walks over to Colleen. "I'll take the third one from _you."_

"Wow!" Joey raises an eyebrow. "Okay!"

Colleen drops a coin into DeStorm's bag, but the look on her face indicates that she'd rather be pulling teeth. DeStorm, satisfied with his revenge, puffs out his chest triumphantly.

Bretman carefully unrolls his scroll.

_Trade coin bags with the person to your right._

That's DeStorm. He has to trade with _DeStorm_ of all people.

Various guests gasp and go "ooh." DeStorm practically shoves his fifteen coins at Bretman. Although it breaks Bretman's heart to give up his beautiful eighteen coins in exchange for DeStorm's subpar loot, rules are rules, so he makes the unfortunate trade.

"Omigosh," says Rosanna.

Gabbie squirms. "This game is making my stomach hurt."

Bretman pouts at his new coins. _I'm just middle class now._ Then again, middle class is _still_ better than poor.

Five guests have opened their scrolls. Now, it's Gabbie's turn. She treats her scroll like a bomb that could go off at any moment. It might as well be. What if she has to give _all_ her coins away? What if this scroll contains the beginning of the end of her life?

_Trade coin bags with the person to your left._

"Are you _kidding_ me?!?" screams Joey, who is to her left.

DeStorm throws his head back and laughs like a maniac.

Gabbie's heart sings with relief as she and Joey switch bags. Joey had the most coins until three seconds ago, but now, those twenty-five coins are _hers_ for the taking! She _really_ made out! _Hell_ yeah!

Joey's still complaining. "You have, like, zero coins!"

_No, I had nineteen,_ Gabbie resists the urge to shoot back. _Shut your mouth and take the goddamn coins before I lose my mind._

Joey absolutely does _not_ want to go into this challenge. He's hoping that Rosanna or Tana have something in their scrolls that can help him. For now, though, he has to focus on his _own_ scroll.

But when he reads it, he wishes he hadn't. _"No!"_

"Omigosh," says Rosanna.

Alex peers at Joey. "What it is?"

"Mmmmmgh!" Joey jumps up and down and throws a brief temper tantrum before he regains his composure. "Sorry." He knows that he's making himself look stupid, but he can't help it! His scroll is the worst of the lot! Why does fate insist on treating him this way?

_Give away half your coins to whoever you choose._

Joey throws his scroll on the ground. Losing half his coins when he _already_ has _Gabbie's_ crusty damn coins leaves him in a tough spot. A potentially _deadly_ spot, no less.

"Oooh, buddy!" whoops Alex. "We about to get rich!"

But there's a silver lining to Joey's rotten luck. This scroll, as crappy as it is, has given him an opportunity to rebuild the torched bridge between him and the friend he's hurt the most. "I'm going to give these coins to someone who hasn't trusted me since the moment that I got here..."

"Everybody open their bags!" Gabbie quips.

"And it's someone who I really care about," continues Joey, "and someone that I hurt a lot, and..." He recalls sunny days spent indoors, bubbly phone conversations, hilarious antics during collabs, and promises to be friends forever. The things he lost are an empty pit at the bottom of his soul, and more than anything, he wants it back. He wants _her_ back. He doesn't want to be the man who killed her anymore. "It's Colleen."

He walks towards her, his hand outstretched, his nine coins a glistening peace offering. She regards him cautiously, her expression on the edge.

_I'm sorry, Colleen. Please forgive me. Let me make things right._

Colleen feels like she's in a dream. Joey Graceffa—her friend, her murderer, the man she loves and hates most of all—is apologizing. Not only that, he's giving her his coins. He might've just saved her life. This is his way of making up for all the hell he put her through.

Can she believe him? Can she forgive him? Or is this another lie?

_Fuck it._ She takes the coins. They feel like tiny pellets of ice. _I'm not gonna spend the rest of tonight looking over my shoulder for the monster hiding in my past. I miss Joey. I gotta trust him. If he hurts me again, that's on him, but as long as he wants to make things right, I'll give him one more chance._

She looks him dead in the eye, and she lets herself smile. "Thanks."

"Aw," coos Rosanna.

"That was the fakest shit I've ever seen," is Bretman's opinion.

"Bitch, please!" snorts Joey as he returns to his spot in the circle.

Colleen mingles Joey's coins with hers. Despite everything, there’s a part of her that still longs to take him back to their old land, where they were the best of friends. Maybe this is the first step in that direction.

_Name your best friend,_ instructs the outside of Rosanna's scroll.

"Joey." His name is her automatic answer. No one else in the group comes close to the place he has in her heart. "I love you."

"Girl, I hope that that is some positive coinage!" Joey replies.

_Oh, no!_ Rosanna's brain is overwhelmed with fear. _Joey's got so few coins already! Please don't tell me that this is gonna hurt him even more!_ "Omigosh!" She throws up her hands. "This is a mind game!"

Tim shouts "What does it _say,_ woman!" at the top of his lungs.

_Take three coins._

Joey groans.

"Joey, I'm _so_ sorry!" cries Rosanna as she takes three coins from him. _Joey's the poorest one here now! What have I done?!?_

Tana's last. The coin game has left her virtually unaffected so far. Clearly, she's not as dead as she thought she was.

_Take two coins from anyone._

Since everyone's taking coins from their best friends, Tana figures that she might as well keep the streak going. "Gabbie."

Gabbie gives up two coins to Tana without breaking a sweat.

"That's all the scrolls, right?" reasons Alex.

"Nah." DeStorm holds up the scroll he got from Kali. "I got this right here."

Colleen _also_ produces a scroll. "And I have one too."

As she watches DeStorm fiddle with his second scroll, Tana mentally calculates everyone's coin totals. Joey and Tim are the current bottoms. If these last two scrolls don't shake things up somehow, the Savant and the Con Man will oppose each other in Garuda's final death challenge.

_Name your best frenemy out loud, and then open._

Gabbie tilts her head. "If I know anything about a frenemy..."

DeStorm grins. This is the easiest question he's ever been asked, and that _includes_ the time his son asked him about the color of the grass. He points at Alex. "What's up, my guy?" _Guess it's time to put some labels on this thing we got going, and "frenemy" is as good a label as any._

Alex smiles and points back. "Hey! What's up?"

_You can give the person you named half of your coins..._

Cheers and jeers abound. Alex pumps his fist and hisses "yes" in a tone that splits DeStorm's resolve.

_...or you can steal half of theirs._

"Decisions, decisions!" chortles Alex apprehensively.

"Ain't no decision." _I ain't risking my life for_ anyone. _You know it. Everyone knows it._ "Gimme half them coins, boy."

The group erupts. Rosanna does that dainty little gasp she tends to do. Joey winces. Colleen scowls. Tim yells _"Duh!"_ right in Alex's face.

Alex's smile collapses into shock. "What about..." He's fumbling for words, his voice higher than usual. Even _DeStorm_ wasn't expecting him to be this hurt. "I thought...I thought...I..."

Tana scoffs. "Did you think he was gonna give you half his coins?"

She says it like it's obvious. Like Alex was a fool to believe that DeStorm would _ever_ do _anything_ good. Because DeStorm's the bad guy. DeStorm's the villain. DeStorm's the man who kills to live. That's all they've ever seen him as. That's all he'll ever be.

DeStorm wants to tell Alex that he's only trying to survive. This isn't personal. It's just business. "What would _you_ do?" he asks his frenemy.

"I don't know." A dejected Alex counts out half his coins. "I gave _you_ coins." He gives them to DeStorm. "There you go."

_That's true,_ reflects DeStorm. _You_ did _give me coins. Because you're Alex Wassabi, and you're the good guy._ "Is that half?"

"That's half," Alex assures him.

It's half. "You had it all figured out, huh?" teases DeStorm, feeling like the schoolyard bully who kicks people when they're down.

"All figured out, huh?" echoes Tim mockingly.

Alex's only response is a dejected "mm-hmm." His cheeks flush red. He's probably thinking that he should've known better than to trust a man like DeStorm Power. They're _all_ probably thinking that. Silly little Alex. This is what he gets for helping the snake.

"No." In a burst of emotion, DeStorm decides to change course. "I'm just joking." He trades Alex's bag for his. "Here you go."

It's like he's flipped a damn switch in the younger man's brain. "Oh!" Alex lights up from head to toe, grinning like a fool, and for some reason, seeing him happy means more to DeStorm than all the coins in Purgatory.

"For real?" Tim does a double take. "Wow."

_It ain't about Alex,_ DeStorm rationalizes in his head. _It's about my reputation. It's about showing these bastards that I'm not the monster they think I am. I didn't give away those coins for him. I did it for me._

Sure. He'll go with that. That's all there is to it.

Colleen's clammy hands unroll the final scroll of the game.

_Steal all the coins from one of your friends and give them to someone else._

Yes. _Perfect._ This is how she kills two birds with one stone. First up: taking DeStorm Power down a peg. She sticks her hand out at him, and he begrudgingly gives her all his coins as Tim goes "ooh" in the background.

Next, she has to give DeStorm's coins to one of her friends. She knows who that friend has to be.

_Joey..._

The Savant's eyes grow wide when he sees her approaching him. "Really?" His voice is both a gasp and a prayer.

_Apology accepted._

"Thank you." Joey takes DeStorm's coins from Colleen. Then, almost subconsciously, he holds them close to his heart.

Gabbie stares off into the distance. "He did it for her..."

Colleen returns to her place in the circle. For the first time in ages, she's completely content with what she's done. She and Joey aren't out of the woods yet (not even close), but they're back on the woodland trail. That could be enough.

_Shit._ DeStorm's out of coins. His random act of kindness did fuck-all to save him. Not that taking Alex's coins would've saved him either, since Colleen still would've snatched them away. _I was always screwed._

That's okay. He's invincible. He can do a death challenge. He ain't going down without a fight.

"Wait." Tana frowns. "What has the lowest?"

"Oh, right," mumbles Gabbie.

Tim turns to DeStorm. "That's you and me. Wow."

"Wow," says DeStorm. What else is there to say? How the hell is he supposed to react to being put up against his old pal?

Bretman chuckles. "That's hot."

"Wow," repeats Tim.

"Wow," sighs DeStorm.

Tim's the homie. He's what DeStorm could've been. He's got all the bad-boy charm without the bad reputation. If this was a cheesy movie where good always wins in the end, he would be one of those cool slickster types, the kind that can crack a joke and cut a deal at the same time. DeStorm thinks he's dope, and he wishes that he didn't have to kick his ass.

But this is their world now. DeStorm took out Lauren Riihimaki. He'll take out Timothy DeLaGhetto with just as much ease.

Even if it damns both their souls.

_Okay._ Tim takes several deep breaths. _Okay. Okay. Okay._ He's in a death challenge. No biggie. He's not scared. So why does he feel like his lungs are about to cave in?

Mortimer steps forward. "You guys gotta come with me."

"I'll be back," DeStorm proclaims.

Tim does his best attempt at a strut. _"I'll_ be back." The truth is, he doesn't know which way this could go. He's either going to take out the villain, or he might just end up in Hell with his blue boo. Life or death. Glory or pain. There's nowhere in between.

A stray thought crosses his recently reconstructed mind: _Should I throw it? Like I did for Eva?_

Nah. Not for DeStorm. Maybe for the DeStorm he used to be friends with, but _this_ DeStorm is _not_ someone that Tim's okay with dying for.

"I'll see you soon, DeStorm," says Gabbie; her statement invokes a grateful smile from DeStorm.

Colleen, on the other hand, is in Tim's corner. "You got this, Tim!"

"Yeah." Tim thinks of Andrea, Sierra, and Matt. Wherever they are, they're cheering for him. He'd rather not let them down.

Colleen _really_ hopes that she doesn't see DeStorm again. He's been _so_ unhelpful and _so_ rude. The team, as a whole, will be better off without him and his lies.

And Tim...has been kind of nothing. He can come back.

They'll just kill him next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: DeStorm and Tim, once the best of friends, are now bitter rivals...and one of them will pay the ultimate price.


	19. The Bad Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and DeStorm are both known for their dangerous reputations, but now, only one "bad guy" can emerge victorious from the perils of India. Who will it be?

It will be _so_ nice if this all turns out to be just some crazy dream brought on by two shots and a sprinkle of sleep deprivation. That way, Tim can wake up in his own home, with his cat and his girlfriend by his side, and he can be all like _"babe, I had the_ wildest _dream last night, I hung out at a creepy murder house and died and went to Purgatory and had to fight a guy dressed as a bird, haha, crazy, huh?"_ and then he can go and call Andrea and the rest of his friends, and they'll all be okay. No harm done. Just the natural consequences of partying too hard.

If this _is_ a dream, now's the perfect time for him to wake up.

But Tim knows that it's not a dream. It's real, and if he wants to see home again, he has to beat DeStorm in this death challenge. Otherwise, it's bye-bye life. For good this time. Plus Hell. Not exactly what Tim wants out of his second chance.

He and DeStorm reenter the Indian exhibit. The place is just as much of a trashed treasure heap as it was before, except this time, there's a green box sitting at the center of it all. It's got a jeweled key in it. Tim wants to grab the key and run, but he knows better than to try such a stunt with Garuda lurking about.

His cat flask is cold in his grip. "What _is_ this?" He takes one last swig of alcohol on his way downstairs. He's gonna need it.

DeStorm's the king. He's invincible. He's a survivor. He doesn't lose. These are the things he tells himself, because he ain't about to lose his damn mind with fear.

A foot or two away from Vishnu's statue, there are two golden pedestals and a note. Tim reads the note.

_Make an offering of four gems to Vishnu on his golden pedestal to receive the jeweled key, for even Garuda bows to him. The gems are hidden among the nests. You can only retrieve your color. The first to make the offering will be blessed with protection. The other will be torn to pieces._

DeStorm rolls his eyes. "Aw, shit." _The stupid bird likes ripping things apart._

"Tim," says Mortimer, "you're looking for the blue gems. DeStorm, you're looking for the red ones. You guys got it?"

"Got it," grumbles DeStorm.

Tim wiggles in place. "Blue. Okay."

As the boys position themselves at the invisible starting gate, DeStorm's eagle eyes spot a red gem poking out of one of the many treasure boxes. _Well, well, well._ A smirk crosses his face. _Would you look at that. I've got a leg up on you already, Timmy boy._

Mortimer waves a hand at them. "All right, go!"

"Oh, God!" gasps Tim, stumbling his way through the sea of jewels.

DeStorm makes a beeline for his first jewel, grabs it, and slams it down on his pedestal. _Easy peasy._ His thoughts turn towards another death challenge from ages ago, one against a girl in a bright ball gown, but he steers them back on track before guilt gets the chance to invade.

Tim rifles through the nearest box. His fingers close around a blue jewel that's three shades away from being black. "Here we go." _Okay. This is one. I only need three more._

But DeStorm's found one as well. At this point, it's anyone's game.

Determined not to let the group's villain be the one to bring him down, Tim jogs to his podium and places his blue jewel in its proper place. Meanwhile, DeStorm smashes a jar against the ground, revealing a second red gem, which is quickly placed with the first. The Enforcer makes a sound that would've been a laugh if it wasn't tinged with bitterness.

_Gold...pearls..._ As Tim sifts the loot, a red gem falls out of the box he's investigating. _Oh, shoot! I can't let DeStorm find this!_ He hides it in the lid of the chest.

Garuda screeches in the distance.

Tim breaks another jar. A blue gem tumbles loose, along with _way_ too much hay. "Aw, yes!" Tim cheers, grabbing the gem and running for the podium.

DeStorm gets there first.

_Three gems to two._

Something in Tim's stomach doesn't feel good.

DeStorm's winning. Duh. He _always_ wins. Except for that one time against Alex, but Tim's no Alex. Tim's barely even a Tim. Maybe all the booze he was drinking messed up his head. Or maybe it was the gunshot. Either way, the Con Man's not as sharp as he was when he was alive.

And yet, somehow, their friendship isn't quite over. What a shame. If DeStorm could just turn off the homie switch, this wouldn't be as hard as it has to be.

Tim nods to DeStorm as he places his second jewel. "What's up?"

"What's up," DeStorm grunts in reply.

"You're not gonna kill me!" Tim's voice is half stubborn and half frantic. "You are _not_ gonna kill me, DeStorm!"

_Famous last words._ "You're going down. You're going _down,_ my boy!" DeStorm demolishes yet another jar to show Tim that he's not kidding.

Just then, Garuda shows up, cawing like a loon. DeStorm sidesteps out of his way. _Dumb bird._ He shoots a glare at the bird-man. _You ain't getting the best of me. Him, maybe, but not me._

His mind is focused. His heart is hardened. There's no backing down now.

Suddenly, Garuda snatches Tim up and yanks him out of the game. Tim screams. Is this it? He can't die _yet,_ can he? The challenge isn't over!

"You're out," sneers Garuda. "Ten seconds."

_Ten seconds?!?_ Tim's pulse races with terror. _But I_ _need those ten seconds!_ He thinks of Kali. _Why has my blue goddess boo forsaken me?_

With Tim sidelined, DeStorm has ten extra seconds to continue his search for gems uninterrupted. The problem is that ten seconds aren't very long at all. Now, if he was given _thirty_ extra seconds without Tim, that would be a game-changer. Oh, well. A second's a second. He'll still win.

Indeed, just as Tim returns to the game, DeStorm destroys a jar to find the last red gem that he needs. "Ha!"

"No! No!" Tim charges at DeStorm like a bull in a bullfight. He tries to wrestle DeStorm away from the podiums, but DeStorm's the stronger of the two, so he pushes past him easily. "Come on, man! _No!"_

DeStorm slams his last red gem on the podium with a shout. He's won. Just like he knew he would.

_But Tim..._

Tim doesn't matter. All that matters is staying alive.

Every hopeless thought that Tim's ever had twinkles in the gleam of the red gems on DeStorm's completed podium. _I couldn't do it. I couldn't win the challenge. I couldn't take out the bad guy._ What's left of his bright side dims to darkness. _Maybe Matt was right all along._

"That's right!" DeStorm jabs a victorious finger at his former friend, and there isn't a shred of sympathy in his brown eyes. "I'm going home!"

His cold remark makes Tim do something that even the 1920s couldn't make him do: burst into tears. "You're _evil,_ man!"

"Survival of the fittest, my boy!" declares DeStorm.

Tim rummages through his pockets, desperate for something—_anything_—that he can hold on to while his afterlife falls apart. He comes up empty. "And you stole my wallet!" _Did he? Probably. Wouldn't put it past him. Why am I thinking about my wallet when I'm gonna—_

Garuda grabs him by his arms.

"No! No!" Tim's straight-up bawling now. He's not scared to die (after all, he's done that shit before), but Garuda's got a _club,_ and those things _hurt!_ "Please don't do this! No! Please!"

The bird-man throws Tim to the ground. DeStorm waves goodbye.

_Shit...no...not like this...I don't wanna go out like this..._

But there's no escape. Garuda snarls "Die!" and brings his club down on Tim's head once, twice, three times, all while Tim screams in splitting agony. It hurts so much that he can't even _think_ anymore. All he can do is feel, and he feels like his brain is a flattened, quivering, gooey mess inside his shattered skull.

"Die, die, _die!"_

Tim's never been the best at following directions, but this time, just as the fourth blow lands, he does as he's told.

For the record, DeStorm didn't take _anyone's_ damn wallet. Why does everyone keep blaming him for everything? First Lauren, then the coins, now this. He can't even _breathe_ without being accused of—

Timothy DeLaGhetto's body stops twitching.

DeStorm's chest heaves. He's not tough enough for this. He doesn't want to look at the bashed-to-Hell remains of his old pal. It was bad enough attending Tim's funeral when he died the first time. At least _that_ was a closed-casket thing. _This_ is just..._sick._

_He wasn't strong enough,_ DeStorm tells himself, but that only makes him feel worse.

Kali appears in a flash of blue lightning, bearing the blade that DeStorm needs to bring that bird-man down once and for all. She has a swagger in her step and a smug smile on her face. DeStorm can't believe that he ever thought she was hot.

The key box lights up. "Get the key!" yells Mortimer, and so DeStorm does, pulling the key out of the box with a sound that's a few pitches away from a war cry.

Kali passes the blade to DeStorm. "The riddle is now complete."

"Just in time," says DeStorm.

"You're not leaving!" Garuda points angrily at the demon and the Enforcer. "Vishnu is no longer my god!"

_Oh, damn! He wants to kill me too!_ "Gimme the blade!" DeStorm shouts to Mortimer, who has the other blade.

Mortimer hands it over. "Here!"

"Slay the bird-man!" hollers Kali.

DeStorm wields a blade in each hand. He locks eyes with Vishnu—the evil bird-man, the greedy miser, the son of a bitch who killed his homie—and feels a wave of burning hate wash through his stony soul. "It's time to ruffle some feathers." _This is for you, Tim._

He strides up to Garuda. The avian monster makes a move to attack, but DeStorm, with a furious yell, slices him clean through his chest. Bird-man blood sprays everywhere. DeStorm proceeds to slit Garuda's throat, and Garuda collapses next to Tim, gurgling for a minute before going still.

Revenge is sweet. But in this case, it's not sweet enough for DeStorm. The cost ain't worth it.

"Let's get out of here, man," says Mortimer. "We got it."

On the way out, DeStorm spots Kali examining the two corpses. The demon woman picks up Garuda's mask, laughing softly to herself, her dark eyes dancing with the flames of Hell. _She won._ DeStorm’s stomach sours. _That goddamn blue bitch_ won.

Whatever. Tim can have her. He's _welcome_ to her. DeStorm doesn't need a deal with a demon. He _is_ the demon. The monster. The bad guy. It's all they'll ever let him be.

"DeStorm is a _bad_ influence on you!" Joey lectures Alex as the group waits in the lounge. "You used to be sweet, kind, and nice..."

_And I'm not anymore?_ Alex doesn't understand. Why does his alliance with DeStorm make him a bad person? Isn't the ability to work with your rivals a _good_ thing? Or did Joey like him better back when he wanted DeStorm's head on a spike?

The discussion on Alex's morality is interrupted by DeStorm's return.

"DeStorm!" exclaims Joey.

"What? Whoa!" Alex bursts into a grin. "What did I say?" He _knew_ that DeStorm would make it back. What's more, he _wanted_ him to make it back. Yeah, it was because he didn't want to lose such a potentially valuable alliance, but it's still a far cry from their last game.

"What happened?" Rosanna wants to know.

DeStorm's expression is unreadable. "I don't lose."

Alex gives his frenemy a nod of support. DeStorm returns the nod, smiles, and shakes Alex's hand. In this moment, the two men's complicated relationship slides towards the positive side of the scale.

_Welp,_ thinks Colleen, _here comes DeStorm. The man I just told I hated is back. He's probably gonna try to kill me next. Awesome._

"Alas, Garuda killed Tim," sighs DeStorm, "but I avenged his life. Don't feel bad." He produces the second jeweled key from his pocket. "I have a key."

Colleen decides that now would be a good time to take herself off the DeStorm Power Death List. "Listen, I know we had some beef, but can you be a team player now that you're still alive?"

"Come on, DeStorm," pleads Joey.

DeStorm considers it for a second. Then, he takes a deep breath, shrugs, and says "All right. I'm down." He holds the key out to Colleen. "You go turn the key."

Colleen's fine with that. Progress is progress.

Joey can't believe that this is happening again. This was supposed to be a rescue mission, but now, he's losing his friends left and right. First Justine, now Tim. Who's next?

_Not Colleen. Please, not Colleen. Not after I just got her back._

The dark-haired Duchess takes the key from DeStorm and walks to the vault.

"Ooh, girl," whistles Bretman.

"Uh-oh," Tana gulps. "I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared."

Alex takes a step back. "Something's gonna happen," he warns.

Colleen turns the second key. Immediately, all the doors swing open, and a parade of people that Joey's never seen before run into the room. They have red clothes, glowing eyes, and sticks with dragons on them.

Tana turns as pale as a sheet. "We're about to die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Tim. Man, All Stars _sucked_ for us s1 fans.  
Next chapter: Is it Ancient China time? I think it's Ancient China time. Also, the girls want to start a girl band, while the boys get caught in the middle of a war.


	20. Get Me to Beijing on Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ancient Chinese are here! But what do they want with the YouTubers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving! This isn't really a Thanksgiving-themed chapter, for obvious reasons, but enjoy it anyway.

The first thing that Rosanna notices about the newcomers is that their dragons breathe _actual_ fire. The second thing she notices is that some of them (the people, not the dragons) have very impressive stick-twirling abilities. The third thing she notices is that both the people _and_ the dragons have glowing red eyes that would not be out of place in a creepy movie.

"Whoa." Alex backs up. "Okay, okay. Mulan's here."

Rosanna's mouth drops open. "Whoa." She recognizes these dragons. This is Ancient China.

Joey frowns. "What the hell is going on?"

"Who's that?" asks Bretman.

The Chinese procession flies in circles through the room several times, and in the process, they herd Joey, Bretman, Alex, DeStorm, and Mortimer away from the rest of the group. This worries Rosanna. "Mortimer?" Her voice raises in pitch as her heart thumps alarm bells. "Mortimer, what's going on?"

"I don't know," frets Mortimer.

Everything's a streak of color and sound. When the dust settles, the Chinese are gone...and so are Mortimer, Bretman, DeStorm, Alex, and Joey.

Gabbie grips Rosanna's shoulders. "Where'd Mortimer go?" questions the Hollywood Star, her brown eyes bouncing wildly around the room.

"Wait," says Colleen. "All the boys are gone."

_No boys?_ On one hand, Rosanna is _incredibly_ scared for her friends. What if they're being herded away to die? But on the other hand, even _she_ can't deny that things are more peaceful without the boys around. "I kinda _like_ this."

"I agree," seconds Gabbie.

Colleen smiles. "This is _much_ better."

_Sorry, boys,_ thinks Rosanna. _We'll come save you later. But for now, I think it's time that we do our best to get things done._

To be honest, none of the guys were really helping them anyway, so Colleen's kinda liking this situation. _Who needs them? Us ladies can kick ass all by ourselves! We'll have an all-girls sleepover, and if we're lucky, we'll make it out alive!_

Rosanna comes up with an even better idea. "Omigosh, we could start an all-girls band!"

_Oh, yeah!_ Colleen grants Rosanna a grin, temporarily forgetting that the little Socialite was involved in the spike box incident. _I like the way you think!_

"Okay, clues." Rosanna rushes off. "Clues...clues...clues..."

But Colleen is first to find a clue. "Here's a note!"

_Start the Emperor's wedding festival with a bang._

The mention of a wedding provokes thoughts of Erik Stocklin, the love of Colleen's life, who she would've married if she hadn't died in Everlock. She can see their wedding in her mind's eye, just like she can see their baby. Why is she like this? None of the other YouTubers seem to remember the lives they could've had (or, if they do, they haven't mentioned it). What is Colleen's lost family doing in her head? Did the Collector put them there to torment her?

"Is this a Chinese firecracker?" speculates Gabbie as she picks up one of the four golden firecrackers that came with the note.

"Yes." Colleen knows a firecracker when she sees one, and she's _not_ a fan. "I am _terrified_ of these things."

Rosanna gasps. "Does the fire work?"

"There's one for each of us," Gabbie points out.

Colleen winces. "I _hate_ these things." She doesn't like popping things, balloons, or poppers, so this is her worst nightmare. Correction: her _second_ worst nightmare. It's hard to top the nightmare that _actually_ happened to her.

Rosanna likes firecrackers. Sure, they make loud noises, and they can be scary sometimes, but the only firecrackers that are _truly_ scary are the ones that have the potential to hurt people. _These_ firecrackers will only throw confetti into the air, and no one's ever died of confetti.

Gabbie crouches down to uncover a locked box with a letter-based combination. "Also, we need the combination to this lock."

"One, two, three, four letters," counts Rosanna. Obviously, the firecrackers have the combination they need, so the girls' next move is crystal clear. "Let's just shoot it off somewhere!"

Tana yelps "Watch what you're doing!" and backs away.

"I think you're supposed to crack it in half," hypothesizes Gabbie.

"Like on your knee," Rosanna adds. "Like in the movies."

Colleen turns to Gabbie. "Okay, do it!"

"I don't wanna!" Gabbie protests.

_Screw it._ Rosanna doesn't have _time_ for bells, whistles, fireworks, and the pretties. They need to get out of here. No one else is doing what needs to be done, so _she_ will. "One! Two! Three! On your knee!" She breaks her firecracker in half. This hurts her knee, which makes her cry out in pain, but she powers through it and shakes the insides of the firecracker out onto the ground.

"Oh," says Tana, "so it's like a confetti moment."

Meanwhile, Colleen is struggling with her own firecracker. "I _still_ don't understand how to do this!"

Rosanna finds a letter within her firecracker's confetti. "This is a T!" she shouts. "This is a T!" _See? Look! We're finally on the right track!_

Gabbie adjusts her earrings. She's still not keen on busting firecrackers left and right, but hey, Rosanna just proved that they're not dangerous, so there's that.

Tana is the next to break her firecracker. The other girls scream at the loud noise, but Tana stands there with a shit-eating smirk as confetti falls around her. Gabbie's not gonna lie; she admires the Pin-Up Girl's badassery.

Well, no use making a fuss anymore. It's Gabbie's turn. If Rosanna and Tana can do this, she can too. She ferociously snaps her firecracker apart and tosses its contents every which way.

"What's in there?" asks Rosanna.

Before Gabbie can answer her, Colleen breaks the fourth and final firecracker. The Duchess screams louder than any of the others before emitting a soft "okay" as the Sorceress laughs in the background.

"Where's your letters?" Rosanna's the leader now, which is _so_ not what Gabbie was expecting. "Where's your letters?" The brunette gathers everyone's letters. "We have a T, an A, a M..."

Colleen squints at the last letter. "I think that's an E."

The girls jumble the letters together in an effort to figure out the code. "Is there anything that has to do with a wedding?" asks Gabbie, her brain at work playing a mental game of Scrabble. "Like 'team?'"

"Oh, _team,"_ breathes Tana.

"Oh, it's probably 'team!'" Colleen agrees. "Hello!"

Gabbie twists T-E-A-M into the combination. No luck. "It's not...that's not it. Okay. So there's not twenty-six letters on each wheel, because there's no M on this wheel." _Talk about design flaws._

"Or 'mate?'" is Tana's next idea.

"Mate!" Rosanna perks up. _"That's_ sexy, cause it's a wedding!"

So Gabbie tries M-A-T-E. This time, it works.

"Was it mate?" shrieks Colleen. "Mate? Open it up!"

_This damn box better not scare us, or I'm out of here._

The box contains flower petals. Red rose petals, to be exact. Tana's happy to see them; she _loves_ roses, and she hasn't found any since before the ball. "Okay," she murmurs, her heart aching with the need to forget all she's been through in order to fully appreciate the beautiful gift.

"Roses!" Colleen snorts. "Kinky!"

Gabbie reads the roses' note.

_Calling all maidens in the Middle Kingdom! The Emperor is in need of an heir and requires a wife. Report to the palace to be tested on beauty, etiquette, and conversation._

Gabbie giggles at the mention of etiquette. "Tana, I'm so sorry, sweetie."

_I'm gonna fail the etiquette part,_ chuckles Tana to herself.

_The one who passes will be wed. Ignore this invitation and face the consequences._

Welp. This is not what Tana was expecting. She thought that they would just have to go be guests at the Emperor's wedding, but apparently, one of them is going to be the bride! _Is it gonna be, like, a legal marriage? With papers and stuff? I dunno if I wanna do all that._

"Ew, sexist!" gripes Colleen. "This is garbage."

"So we're, like, suitors?" realizes Rosanna.

The Sorceress sneers at the girls. "Isn't it obvious? Wed him, kill him, and take the kingdom."

"That's not a bad idea," Rosanna replies.

_Who are you,_ thinks Tana, _and what have you done with Ro?_

"Wait." Colleen turns over the invitation. "There's a drawing of a door on the other side."

"Have we seen this door?" asks Gabbie.

_A new door._ Something stirs in the depths of Tana's consciousness. _That must be where we need to go to find the Emperor._ Hopefully, the boys can take care of themselves until after the girls are done with the marriage games.

Darkness. That's all Joey knows. It's followed him through night after night, and now, it's taken over his world.

_How did this happen?_

"Guys." Alex's voice pierces the black. "Are you here?"

"Yeah." Joey feels around, discovers that there's a bag on his head, and pulls it off. The darkness disappears. He registers that he's on the ground outside, his right wrist chained to a red box. Mortimer, Alex, DeStorm, and Bretman are in the same situation. _This is weird._ Joey furrows his brows. _We were just inside a second ago. This is the fastest kidnapping that's ever happened to me._

Alex laughs with bewildered disbelief. "Whoa! What is this?" He stands up, but his chains prevent him from going anywhere.

Two Chinese warriors arrive. One is a man in green attire; the other is a woman in a dark blue outfit. They are having a conversation in their native tongue.

Joey, of course, assumes that these are their kidnappers. "Who's there?"

"Hold on," says Alex.

The man in green switches to English. "They're the Emperor's foreign mercenaries," he tells the woman. "I _know_ they're after their Dragon Spear."

_Emperor? Mercenaries? Dragon Spear? What?_

The woman in blue hardens her glare. "We need to kill them, or else they'll stop the rebellion!"

Just when Joey starts to think that he and the other boys are doomed to die, Mortimer pipes up. "Excuse me." He beams amicably at the Chinese. "I can't help but overhear—"

The woman in blue holds her sword against his throat.

"All right." Mortimer sweats. "That's a sword to my throat. I was just gonna say, before you start killing us, maybe...we could tell you about the secrets we know. Right, guys?" He nods pointedly to the other boys. "Secrets!"

"Yeah!" shout several boys at once.

_Maybe I was wrong about Mortimer,_ Joey reflects. _Maybe he's here to help us after all._

Secrets? DeStorm's got _Victoria's_ Secret if they need it. He's not going down like this. Not after all the shit he's survived.

_"What_ secrets, exactly?" bellows the guy in green.

Bretman cocks his head to the right. "We'll let you know if you let us go."

"I still pee my bed," offers Alex.

DeStorm rolls his eyes in the direction of his ally. _Of all the things to say to the Chinese dudes with swords, Alex goes with_ that? _See,_ this _is why he needs me._

"That is _useless_ information!" growls the chick in blue.

"Oh, the spear!" Joey suddenly shouts. "We know _all_ about the spear."

_We do?_ thinks DeStorm.

The guy in green narrows his eyes. "What do you know about the spear?"

"It's a spear," stammers Joey, a deer-in-headlights look on his dumb face, "that's long...and it's...powerful..."

DeStorm can't believe this bullshit. He's surrounded by morons! If one of them gets him killed, he's haunting _all_ their dumb asses from Hell.

Of course, the chick in blue sees right through Joey's bad acting. "Stop wasting our time!"

"Okay," squeaks Joey.

"If we have the spear," says the guy in green, "the people will follow us."

"Well, it looks like you guys are in a bit of a jam," DeStorm snarks. He's trying to sound nice so that he won't get killed, but what he _really_ wants to tell these Chinese chumps is _you're both whack jobs, your spear is stupid, and I wanna go home._

The guy in green scowls. "Very well." He points his sword at DeStorm.

DeStorm's hands go up automatically. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, _whoa!"_ _Not cool, boy! Go point that thing somewhere else!_

Bretman could've said no. He could've stayed home. He could've been catching up on his beauty sleep right now. Instead, he's in the courtyard of a museum in Purgatory, kidnapped at swordpoint alongside a bunch of dead bitches, with Nikita _still_ nowhere to be found. This blows.

"You have one hour to bring us the spear and prove to us you truly are rebels," declares the man in green, his sword inches from DeStorm's chest. "Otherwise, we'll find you, and we'll kill you."

_Why do we always get stuck in this shit?_ fumes Bretman internally. _And what about the girls? Where are they? Are they all right without us?_ He thinks so, considering how awesome the girls are, but he wishes that he knew for sure.

Mortimer tries to raise his chained hand. "You gonna let us out of the chains?"

"Yeah, yeah," says Alex.

"You're resourceful, right?" the man in green snaps. "Figure it out!"

Joey gulps. "Figure it out?!?"

_Really?_ Bretman shakes his head. _You're not gonna help us, but we're helping you? How does that add up?_

The Chinese are gone before he has the chance to complain.

_I'm a rebel, sometimes,_ thinks Alex. _If it'll save me and my friends, I might be able to help out a little bit._

As soon as the Chinese are gone, Joey stands up. "Guys, look for a key, or anything that you can reach," he instructs the others.

"What can you guys reach?" Alex glances around his general area and finds a bin of small metal balls right next to him. "I got some balls here. Some metal balls." He picks one up. It feels like a smooth black egg. "I can roll them to you, if they're necessary."

"Right here!" Joey points to a tall red-and-gold post that has a set of keys at the top. "There's a key up here!" His expression changes from excitement to exasperation in the blink of an eye. "I cannot reach that at all."

_That's it. That's what the balls are for._ "I can knock it down," suggests Alex.

Joey flinches. "Uh, is that gonna hit me?"

Alex wrinkles his nose. _Yeah, that's a good point. I don't wanna accidentally knock anyone down._ "Oh, uh, okay..." He gets a better idea. "I'll roll it to you, I'l give it to you guys, and then you do it."

"Roll it to Bretman," says Joey. "Bretman, roll it to DeStorm. DeStorm, roll it to me."

"Okay." Alex faces Bretman. "Ready?" _I hope this works._

He tosses the ball to Bretman, who tosses it to DeStorm, who tosses it to Joey, who screams and almost drops it. _"Heavy!"_ the Savant whines.

"Keep rolling it!" yells Bretman as Joey prepares to knock down the post. Then, to DeStorm, "Do you _really_ think he's gonna get his first—"

"He's not gonna get it on the first try," scoffs DeStorm.

Alex shrugs in agreement. "It's _Joey."_

But much to the surprise of everyone in the courtyard (including Alex), Joey does, in fact, get it on the first try. He cheers as the pole topples over. The keys jangle onto the ground.

"Can you reach it?" Alex has never felt prouder of Joey Graceffa than he does at this moment. "You got it! Let's go! Look at you!"

Joey grabs the keys. "And you said I won't get it," he teases DeStorm.

"I believed in you the whole time, Joey, don't worry," DeStorm lies.

Joey frees himself, DeStorm, Bretman, Mortimer, and Alex, in that order. Once he's free, Alex grins and flashes DeStorm a thumbs-up, but his smile dies when he notices the disgust that flickers across Joey's face. _Oh, right._ His heart falls. _Joey thinks I'm evil. DeStorm's the villain, and I'm..._ The word "friend" doesn't quite fit. _...allies with him now, so that makes me the villain too._

He's not used to being the villain. But now that he thinks about it...what has being a hero done for him? He died. His girlfriend died. His friends died. His happiness died. He's got an origin story that's awful enough to motivate _two_ villains.

Might as well make something of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The four remaining girls compete for the hand of the Emperor of China (and immunity). Also, Tana twerks, Rosanna speaks Mandarin Chinese, and Miranda makes a cameo.


	21. The Empress Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is in the air! Gabbie, Tana, Rosanna, and Colleen must win the affections of the Emperor of China if they are to have any hope of immunity. But who will the proud Emperor choose to be his bride? And is such a position _really_ all that it's cracked up to be?

The girls are led to the Ancient Chinese exhibit. Inside, they find a young Chinese man lounging on a throne that's flanked by small golden lions on either side. He has long black hair, a light yellow robe with red trimming, a bored glaze in his dark eyes, and an expression that makes him look like he's got dirt underneath his big nose. Next to him stands an older woman, also Chinese, who wears a red robe and an elaborate red-and-gold headpiece. Both of them are clearly the type who think that their status makes them better than everyone else.

Colleen doesn't know who these people are, but she already hates them.

"Mother," drones the young man, "more women are here. Can you _please_ talk to them? I'm bored." He's too busy fiddling with the attachments on his sword to even so much as _look_ at the girls.

_Rude!_ Colleen's fake smile twitches with disdain. _Is this the Emperor? No wonder he's single!_

But then, she takes a closer look at the end of the Emperor's sword, and she spots the third jeweled key. _Huh._ Her smile shifts from fake to genuine. _You know what? As sexist as this whole setup is, it might be how we get ourselves that key._

The Emperor's mother gives each girl a cursory glance; her nose turns up, but unlike her son, she's obviously working to maintain an air of icy courtesy. "There will be three tests for you to show your qualities to the Royal Emperor," she explains. "The woman chosen will become his bride-to-be and receive his protection from the death challenge."

This extra benefit makes Colleen's ears perk up. She's not one to say no to death challenge immunity.

"The first test is of beauty," continues the Emperor's mother. "Select the wardrobe that you think will cater to the Emperor's likes. Then, you will parade in front of him. You may go change."

As the girls head off to the Chinese changing room, Colleen's brain grapples with the situation before her. It would be awesome to get immunity and the jeweled key, and the Sorceress's "wed him, kill him, take the kingdom" plan sounds pretty sweet too, but she _so_ won't like the part where she's dangled in front of the Emperor like a sexy piece of meat on the market. She didn't come back from the dead to be objectified! _Especially_ for the sake of such a cocky asshole!

_If I win this,_ she decides, _I'm not letting him anywhere near me. I won't even say the vows. I'll kill him first._ Then, as a sassy aside, _Not that it matters. He's_ totally _gay._

Rosanna's been told her whole life that she's "wifey material," so whatever that means, it may come in handy here. After all, she's just trying to survive. Even if it means dating this rude Emperor.

She and the others enter the changing room, where they're greeted by a wide array of beautiful Chinese robes and jewelry. "Okay." Rosanna inspects the clothes. "We got some outfits." _The Emperor's mom said we gotta cater to the Emperor's likes. What would an Emperor want his wife to wear?_

"I think Mom, she's a little delusional," confides Colleen to the other girls, "cause her son _clearly_ does not bat for this team."

Everyone laughs.

In the end, Rosanna chooses a light yellow robe with red trimming, because the Emperor's wearing those colors, so maybe they're his favorites. She also has Gabbie help her arrange her brown hair into an intricate bun, since a lot of the best Chinese hairstyles involve buns. Plus, it looks cute, and Rosanna's good at cute.

As her hair is styled, Rosanna gets a clever idea. "Put the pin in my hair, and I can just be like..." She drives an invisible hairpin through an invisible Emperor. "Whapishaa! In his...in his eyeball!" The thought of killing a man by stabbing him in the eyeball with a hairpin (a thought that would've _horrified_ her back when she was alive) causes her to gasp with dramatic exaggeration.

"See, _now_ you're talking," praises Colleen.

Rosanna puts her hand on her heart. "I'm feeling like Kill Bill." She doesn't _really_ want to hurt anyone, but if murdering the Emperor will save her friends, she's in.

She's the first to go before the Emperor. "Dance for me," he orders her, "but don't look me in the eyes when you dance."

"Oh..." Rosanna's taken aback, but she soon regains her composure. "Okay." She moves her arms in graceful, butterfly-like motions, with the occasional circle here and there. As she dances, she makes sure to keep a welcoming smile blooming on her face.

All she gets out of the Emperor is "hmm," but she thinks she did okay.

Colleen opts to wear a red robe, along with a golden ornament in her dark hair. As much as she doesn't want to participate in this marriage competition _(I mean, I'm already kinda-not-really-but-would've-been married, for God's sake!),_ she knows that if she can impress the Emperor enough, she can get to him, get the key, and kill that mothertrucker. So it all evens out.

"Walk back and forth in front of the Emperor," instructs the Emperor's mother.

_Again with the objectification?_ "Sure," mutters Colleen through gritted teeth. _Whatever. Let's just get this over with._

So she walks in front of the Emperor, her head held high, her mind running wild with hateful thoughts about the whole royal family. Fortunately, neither the Emperor nor his mother bother to say anything (rude or otherwise) about her performance.

_The Emperor's mom is bossy,_ Colleen grumbles to herself as she goes to stand next to Rosanna, _and she would be a_ horrible _mother-in-law. Hopefully, if I marry and kill him, I can kill her too._

Who would've thought that this museum would provoke her to plan a murder spree?

Everyone else is closing up their robes, but not Tana. She's _Tana Mongeau._ She's got a reputation to uphold. As such, she keeps her greenish-blue robe open just enough to show off her boobs. _If this is what we gotta do to prove ourselves, I'm at_ least _gonna hoe it up a little bit._

It looks like the Emperor likes what he sees. "Flattering."

His mother sighs.

_The mom doesn't matter,_ thinks Tana. _I just gotta get the guy interested in me. Good thing I got the body for this!_ She delicately shakes her ass at the Emperor.

"Hmm." The Emperor presses his lips together. "Not very coordinated."

The Emperor's mother raises her eyebrows, visibly scandalized by Tana's antics.

Tana grins. She's in her element. She's got this challenge in the bag. "Have you heard of twerking, my king?"

"Excuse me?" questions the Emperor.

"If we get married," Tana promises, "you can see it." _And I think you're gonna like it._

This is where the Emperor's mother draws the line. "Okay, that's enough!"

_Babe, I don't care if your mom's right there! I'll flirt with you right now!_ is what Tana has the good sense not to say. Instead, she tosses her head and takes her place in line, all while playing with her blonde hair in the most tantalizing way possible.

Gabbie's robe is pale pink with white trimming. A gold headpiece sits on top of her head, accentuating the yellow and brown colors in her two-toned hair. She might not be as cute as Rosanna, as stylish as Colleen, or as hot as Tana, but she's her own kind of beautiful, and that's okay with her.

She stops in front of the Emperor's throne. "What would you like me to do?"

"Flatter me," replies the Emperor.

_Flatter him. Fine. I can be flattering. What's a flattering thing to say to the Emperor of China?_ "The way you're fingering those...two balls...is very attractive," she blurts out.

Tana bursts into laughter.

This is embarrassing, honestly, but Gabbie doesn't care. She'll do _anything_ to stay alive.

After all the girls have gone, the Emperor's mother turns to her son for the final verdict. "Emperor?"

He rises from his throne and peruses the line of girls before resting his eyes on Tana's body. "She has...unusual ears," he declares. "I think it's her."

"Omigod," giggles Tana. _I did it! I won the beauty challenge! I'm one step closer to immunity!_ Apparently, the Emperor _really_ wants to know what twerking is. Who knew?

The Emperor's mother gives Tana a pendant.

_I don't wanna, like,_ do _him,_ thinks Tana as she slips the pendant into her pocket, _but if I win his hand in marriage, at least I'll be safe for a little while longer._ Her features shine with conflicted hope. _There's more than one way to be useful._

The second test is etiquette. Gabbie, Tana, Rosanna, and Colleen are seated around a table with the Emperor. Each of them is given some chopsticks and a plate of dumplings. Gabbie suddenly remembers that she hasn't eaten anything since that cupcake the Gingerbread Woman gave her, and her stomach rumbles.

"You must finish all your dumplings with chopsticks as quickly and as ladylike as possible," instructs the Emperor's mother.

At first, Gabbie has some trouble with her chopsticks, but once she's got that under control, she's able to eat a dumpling. _Ugh._ She wrinkles her nose. _These are freakin' terrible._

Colleen shoves a dumpling into her mouth quickly, but cutely. It tastes like garbage. Her _dog_ could make better dumplings.

"Ladies," the Emperor's mother says, "speed is _very_ important."

When no one's looking, Colleen takes the dumpling out of her mouth and chucks it over her shoulder. Yeah, it's not very ladylike, but she was never that ladylike of a person to begin with, so why put up a facade?

Tana makes a face. _Girl, I don't want these rank-ass dumplings! That's disgusting!_

She smiles sweetly at the Emperor. "Look over there. Look!"

The Emperor obliges. Tana takes the opportunity to dispose of all her dumplings in the space of ten seconds or less. It's no big deal. She _knew_ she was going to fail the etiquette part. At least she got the beauty part under her belt.

Rosanna is _living_ for this. She's spent a lot of time in China; she actually _lived_ there for a year, teaching English. She knows her way around a chopstick. On top of that, she's done _so_ many food challenges that this is practically second nature for her.

"This is like a mukbang," she comments between careful bites.

"Delicious!" Colleen turns to the Emperor's mother. "Did you cook this? Thank you!"

_Hmm._ Rosanna tilts her head from side to side, analyzing the taste of the dumplings. _Bit too much garlic._ She has no clue what the other girls are doing. She's just trying to eat these dumplings as fast as possible.

"Omigod," says Gabbie.

As she finishes her last dumpling, Rosanna burps a little, but she's quick to conceal the burp behind her hand. "Delicious."

"Emperor?" asks the Emperor's mother.

"Hmm." The Emperor points to Rosanna. "This one was quite aggressive with her mouth. Could be exciting."

The Emperor's mother presents Rosanna with a pendant. _Oh, my._ Rosanna's jaw drops. _I guess you could say it's love at first dumpling._

The third and final test is conversation; the girls are supposed to try and make the Emperor laugh in one minute. Luckily for Colleen, she has the _perfect_ weapon in her arsenal...and that weapon just so happens to be the reason she has a YouTube career.

She clears her throat before slipping into character. "Hey, guys! It's me, Miranda! Oh, you are a bootiful Emperor! Yes, it's so cool to see you here!"

The Emperor laughs.

_I knew he'd like her._ Colleen's beaming as she returns to her place in line. _I might not be funny, but Miranda sure is!_

_So Colleen made the Emperor laugh by doing Miranda._ Gabbie shrugs. _Okay. I can do that._

"Hey," she cackles between twirls, "my name's Miranda! Check it out!"

Rosanna and Colleen laugh. The Emperor does not. "Boring," he yawns dismissively.

Gabbie gets back in line, her cheeks burning with shame. _It's not as good the second time around._

It's Rosanna's turn. "Oh, gosh." She _also_ has a secret weapon; she speaks conversational Mandarin Chinese, which she picked up from her time in China. _Maybe my bad tones will make him laugh?_

Well, it's worth a try.

"你好, 我的中文不好," she says, which translates to "Hello, my Chinese is bad."

The Emperor laughs. Rosanna can't tell if he's laughing _with_ her or _at_ her, but in this case, derisive laughter is better than no laughter at all.

In Tana's opinion, what the Emperor needs is a taste of his own medicine. Now that she's up, she plans on giving him exactly that.

"I think if I were to come up to you and challenge you instead of give you what you want," she suggests, "then internally, you might laugh at that a little more, maybe in a sinister way."

This earns an eyeroll from Gabbie, but no reaction from the Emperor. Tana's unbothered. He's not the _first_ man who didn't appreciate her sense of humor, and if she gets out of here, he won't be the last.

"I'm not sure any of them qualify as _funny,"_ muses the Emperor after his mother gives him the signal to make his choice, "but if I had to pick the least _boring..."_ He gestures to Rosanna. "I would say her."

Rosanna's eyes nearly bug out of her sockets. _I won._ She takes her second pendant. _So I got immunity, just like I wanted, but that means..._

"Oh," gasps Gabbie. "She got _two_ of those things now."

The Emperor draws his sword and points it directly at the small brunette. "You," he proclaims, "will be my wife!"

_Oh._ Rosanna's glad that she won, of course, but she can't say that she's jumping for joy at the prospect of getting engaged to an arrogant Emperor who she just met fifteen minutes ago. Besides, she _has_ a boyfriend. His name is Mike. _This doesn't count as cheating on him, does it?_

It's all right. She saved herself. Now, she has to save her friends. Mike won't hold this against her. He'll understand.

"I will make the wedding arrangements," says the Emperor's mother, her hands on Rosanna's shoulders almost possessively.

The Emperor departs in one direction, presumably to primp himself up for the wedding, while the Sorceress leads Gabbie, Tana, and Colleen away in the opposite direction. Before she knows it, Rosanna is alone with the Emperor's mother.

Operation Hairpin Murder is officially a go for launch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The boys attempt to prove that they are all great Chinese warriors. Also, Bretman is secretly a kung fu master, and Alex sucks at archery.


	22. I'll Make a Rebel Out of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey, DeStorm, Alex, and Bretman take on the tests of skill that the rebels have laid out for them. Who will prove themselves as a warrior, and who will come up short?

Joey's very nervous about what's going on with Alex _(is he evil? will he betray us? have I lost him as a friend?),_ but he can't afford to worry about the Aviator's allegiance right now. The boys need to find this damn spear that the Chinese were going on about, and they need to find it within the next hour, or else they're _all_ toast.

"Oh, there's a note," says Bretman.

"Okay." Alex rubs his hands together, a sneaky grin on his flushed face. "Let's do this." The dark edge to his tone sends shivers down Joey's spine.

_The Dragon Spear was carried by a great general into battle and is the sign of a true leader. The spear can only be found by those who exhibit the characteristics of the great warriors of China. Only one of you can complete each of their challenges. Once all tasks are complete, stand as one in front of the fountain in matching pose. Failing a challenge will result in your name going into the voting pile. Complete the tasks in the following order: breaking the boards, armored pull-ups, archery practice, and Chinese chess._

Alex barely reacts to this new set of challenges. "Okay."

"Who's gonna break the boards?" asks DeStorm.

So if they want the spear, they have to prove themselves as great Chinese warriors. Joey's not sure if he and the others _qualify_ as great Chinese warriors, especially since none of them are even Chinese, but they'll work with what they've got.

_A true master of martial arts can easily break a board with their hand in a single strike. Wear this sash and feel the chi._

The sash is light yellow. It's _very_ fashionable. Also, it kind of matches Bretman's coat, so he's tempted...

"Honestly," says Joey, "I feel like this is gonna hurt my hand, so I don't wanna do this one."

"But are you better fit to do this than the other ones?" questions Alex with a smirk.

DeStorm points to the pull-up station. "You gonna do those pull-ups with the armor on?"

Joey narrows his eyes at DeStorm. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?" He sounds like DeStorm just offered to stab him in the back.

"I'm just asking," responds DeStorm.

Bretman decides to just go for it. "I mean, honestly, this kinda goes with my outfit," he remarks as he picks up the sash, "so...yeah." He's never broken a board before, but he _has_ broken a bitch's nose before. He's been around. He can do this.

Joey smiles. "It was meant to be."

"There you go," says Alex.

So Bretman ties the sash around his head (he was right, it _does_ look good with his outfit) and stands in front of the board. _Feel the chi,_ the note said. He doesn't know what _chi_ is, but it sounds like something a badass bitch would feel.

"Come on, Bretman," urges Joey. "You got this."

"Don't punch with your rings on," Alex advises.

"Girl," Bretman assures them, "Bruce Lee is my great uncle." He does a practice punch, stopping just short of the board.

Alex counts off for him. "One...two..."

Before the word "three" can be said, Bretman punches the board as hard as he can. Its two new wooden halves fall to the ground in a shower of splinters. Everyone cheers. Bretman grins, tosses the dangling sides of his sash over his shoulder, and does his usual Bretman flourish to emphasize his triumph. "Did I stutter?"

"Wow!" gasps Joey. "Come on, strength!"

Bretman twirls in place. He was _born_ to break boards, and he didn't even know it. _Hi-ya, bitch!_

Joey won't deny it; Bretman Rock is _really_ stepping it up. The naive newcomer who started out as just Nikita's tagalong—the boy who Joey thought wouldn't last ten minutes in this hellish game—has become a force to be reckoned with. Yeah, he shouldn't have been here in the first place, but since he _is_ here, it's a relief to see him proving that he doesn't need anyone to look after him. For that, he has Joey's respect.

The boys move on to the armored pull-ups, and Joey chooses now to make another move towards redemption. "Honestly," he declares, "I feel like I need to prove something, because you're all acting like I can't do this."

_Do ten pull-ups while wearing this Chinese suit of armor._

The armor includes headgear. Because of course it does.

"How heavy is this, guys?" Alex wonders. "Let's see." He picks up the armor for a minute, then puts it back down. "Oh, yeah."

Joey steps forward. "Let me feel it." As soon as he tries to lift the armor, he emits a loud "oh" as its bulk weighs down his arm.

"I might be able to do it," suggests Alex, "but I think it's up to you."

_Nope. Sorry. Not this time. No one is doing those pull-ups but me._ "I wanna show that I am strong, okay?" Joey snaps.

DeStorm exhales and walks away. "These boys gon' get us killed."

"You want me to try?" asks Alex again. "Or you got it?"

"Don't tell me what I can't do!" This is ridiculous! Joey said he'll do it, and he'll do it! Why are they doubting him?

Alex and Bretman help Joey put the armor on. It makes Joey look like a badass, but it's also heavy as hell. Beads of perspiration stick to his face. He sighs and rubs his forehead before getting into position at the bar.

"We gonna die," quips DeStorm. "You gotta go fast."

Joey says "okay" and gets to work. Because of the armor weighing him down, each pull-up is a mini version of one of the twelve labors of Hercules, but he grits his teeth through the strain. He's strong. He's determined. He won't let his weakness prevent him from being the man he knows he has to be.

Alex leads the others in counting. "One. There you go. Two. Okay."

"Don't stop," says DeStorm.

"Three. Four. Five."

Bretman's shout of "Halfway!" adds a sprinkle of energy to Joey's tired limbs.

"Six." Alex's eyes hang on to the bar. "Come on, come on, come on! Seven! You got it! Eight!"

"Yes!" Bretman screams, clapping like a baby seal.

"Nine! One more! One more! Get up there! Get up there!"

_I can do this. I_ will _do this._

Joey uses the last of his strength to accomplish his tenth and final pull-up. He happily hops off the bar as the other boys cheer for him. _There we go!_ His face glows with sweat and pride. _And to think they all thought I couldn't do it!_

"Work!" Bretman gives Joey a double-handed high five. "Miss Joey Anya!"

"That's right!" whoops Joey, savoring the astonished looks on his friends' faces.

Alex gives Joey a high-five as well. "We doubted you."

Something tells Joey that they'll never doubt his abilities again.

So far, Alex hasn't had an opportunity to be the villain yet, but he's sure he'll find one soon. DeStorm finds them all the time. Heck, the others might notice Alex's evil side before Alex notices it himself. They've certainly done a bang-up job so far at that sort of thing.

"So we have the archery practice next," says Bretman.

_Ooh!_ Alex springs towards the archery station, eager to test his skills. "I got it! Let's go!" He picks up the note and reads it before any objections can be raised.

_One, and only one, must take the bow to strike the target from behind the line. Don this crimson headband to gain eagle eyes._

Alex sees a large red target ten feet away. _Nice._ He takes off his jacket. _This is gonna be easy._

But DeStorm doesn't look happy. "Have you shot a bow and arrow before?" he interrogates Alex. "Cause I have."

"I have not," Alex admits.

DeStorm's frown deepens. "Cause you just volunteered not even knowing how to do it."

"Wait." Joey shifts in his shoes. "Maybe DeStorm would be better at this."

Alex's common sense wants to let DeStorm do the archery. But that's not what a villain would do, is it? A villain would insist on having their way all the time. "Yeah, but..." He ties the red headband around his head. "No!"

Bretman scowls. Joey's face falls. DeStorm rolls his eyes.

_Am I doing this right?_

"Okay. Here we go." Alex picks up the bow, loads it with an arrow, takes aim for a moment, then shakes some dust off his shoulder.

"What are you waiting for?" yells Joey. "We don't have time!"

Alex murmurs "omigosh" as he takes aim once more. _I got this._ His fingers dig into the string. _How hard can it be?_

His first shot bounces against the top of the wall.

_"Oh!"_

Joey makes a disgruntled face. "That was _way_ off."

_That was a practice shot,_ rationalizes Alex as he grabs another arrow. _This one's the real deal._ "Okay, I got it." He fires. "Did I get it?"

"No," grumbles Joey.

He's right. Alex has once again missed the target by a country mile. "Aw, come on!" The frustrated Aviator loads a third arrow into his bow and aims it directly at the heart of the target. "Here we go. I got this. You ready?"

Joey leans forward a bit. "Yes."

Arrow Number Three doesn't even make it to the wall.

"Oh, God," groans Bretman.

"We are not gonna get the spear!" Joey gripes.

At this point, Alex _infinitely_ regrets his decision to bulldoze his way into the archery challenge. Being evil isn't worth making a fool of himself in front of his friends. "Omigosh." He picks up the arrow he just shot and reloads it. "Okay. Here we go." _Please let me hit the target this time._

But he doesn't. The arrow bounces off the wall to join its arrow companions.

"Okay, listen up." Joey plucks an arrow out of the bunch and marches to where Alex is standing. "Do you not know how to hold a bow and arrow?"

"Do _you_ know how?" Alex retorts.

Joey helps him get into a proper archery stance. "Use your finger as a guide," the Savant instructs, "and pull it back, with your elbow flat."

Alex says "Okay, like that?" about half a second before he lets go, sending his fifth shot careening into the wall.

"Okay," sighs Joey. "Well, we're truly screwed. Are you ashamed of yourself?"

"I am." Apparently, archery is not Alex's thing. He wishes that he'd known that _before_ he took on the archery challenge. Now, his reputation as a skilled player is ruined, and his name is _definitely_ going into the voting pile.

Joey is clearly unsympathetic to Alex's plight. "You should be."

Alex puts his jacket back on and throws the red headband against the ground. _DeStorm makes being evil look easy. Why is it so hard?_

_The hell?_ DeStorm was a bow-and-arrow _champ_ back in the day! He could've _rocked_ that challenge! What was Alex _thinking,_ taking up the bow without a lick of experience? _That boy's not right in the head!_

Now, the little punk's screwed himself over. Not that DeStorm cares. DeStorm ain't here to keep an eye on suicidal idiots.

The only challenge left is Chinese chess. "I'm gonna do this," says DeStorm, because what other option does he have?

"All right." Joey clenches his jaw. "Come on, DeStorm."

"Go, DeStorm," encourages Bretman.

Alex beams at his ally. "All day!"

_You are the Red Player, about to begin a game of Chinese chess. Follow the symmetrical pattern of the pieces already on the board to complete setting up for a new game._

"Okay." DeStorm turns a nearby hourglass upside down, wishes himself luck, and starts moving red pieces around the board. "Let me set this up." 

Bretman offers a pinch of advice. "It says symmetrical, so you obviously have to follow the pattern. What's on _this_ side should be on _that_ side."

DeStorm likes Bretman. Now _there's_ a kid who knows what he's about.

Together, DeStorm and Bretman position the red pieces in perfect symmetry to the black ones. "Boom," says DeStorm as he places the last piece. "Okay." _That wasn't so hard. But there's a Part Two. Part Two is usually when things get tricky._

_When done, perform the opening move by sliding either of your cannons sideways, ending up just behind the central pawn._

_Well, shit. That's the easiest Part Two I ever saw._ DeStorm performs the move and completes the challenge with time to spare.

"That's it!" says Mortimer.

_Killed it._

Finally, the four boys must pose like the epic warriors displayed in a painting that's perched next to the fountain. "All right, guys," says Joey as he climbs up onto the fountain. "Are you ready to pose?"

He gets a few noises of affirmation in response, which are all he needs to hear.

"Let's do this."

Joey stands on the fountain, still wearing the Chinese armor, his arms over his head in the perfect pull-up position, his expression frozen in a silent rebel yell. Next to him, Alex is an archer, aiming his bow and arrow into the night. DeStorm sits below them, studying his game of Chinese chess. Bretman poses in a martial artist's battle stance to complete the picture.

For the first time since things went wrong, Joey feels like a hero. He wishes that Justine was here to see what he's become.

DeStorm feels silly posing like this, but _you gotta do what you gotta do._ At least they don't gotta dance around like fools.

A tapestry rolls down into the doorway, revealing the Dragon Spear. "That's it!" Joey darts towards it, his arms and smile wide.

"Oh, the spear!" Alex exclaims. "The Dragon Spear!"

While Joey goes to get the spear, DeStorm stays back to give his young protégé a good talking-to. "How'd you fail on the arrows?"

"I'm new to being evil, okay?" is Alex's sheepish reply. "I'm working on it."

_Evil?_ DeStorm snorts. _So Alex thinks_ he's _the bad guy now? Oh, please. Little punk's reign of terror will end as soon as one of his friends starts crying for help. He'll be back to Alex the Goody Two-Shoes in an hour, tops._ He chuckles as he adjusts the buttons on his coat. _There can only be one villain around here, and that's me, I guess._

All right. All right. They got the spear. So why don't they get the hell out of dodge? Bretman doesn't see the point in admiring the Chinese exhibit when the girls are alone in the creepy museum. No matter how pretty the artifacts are.

Joey gasps as he brandishes the spear. "I feel like such a badass warrior! Okay, let's go."

_Yes, let's!_

Bretman, Joey, Alex, DeStorm, and Mortimer reenter the museum and search the empty hallways for their friends. "Oh, gosh," mumbles Joey, "where are the girls?"

As if on cue, the girls appear from around the corner. Colleen, Gabbie, and Tana are all wearing fancy robes that would probably _kill_ on the catwalk. The Sorceress looks pissy again. But there's no sign of Rosanna.

_Where's Ro?_ Bretman's heart races with concern. _Has she been captured? Is she dead? What's going on?_

"Guys!" shouts Joey.

Colleen immediately clears up the small elephant in the room. "Ro's about to get married."

_Say what?_ thinks Bretman.

"Married?!?" Joey squawks.

"Okay, so there's this Emperor," explains Colleen. "He picked whichever one he thought was the most beautiful and funny, and he picked Ro."

Oh. Okay, then. Good for Rosanna. Honestly, Bretman's just upset that _he_ wasn't up for marital consideration. He would've entertained the _hell_ out of that Emperor.

The news that Rosanna got engaged to a complete stranger doesn't sit well with the pit of fear that lives in Joey's stomach. _I don't know this Emperor guy! Why does he want to marry Ro? What if he hurts her?_ He's got half a mind to go all I-object at the wedding ceremony.

But Colleen's not done yet. "They're getting married, and she's gonna kill him, because there was a jeweled key on his sword."

Joey's down with assassination if it means getting a jeweled key, but this is _Rosanna Pansino_ they're talking about. She's too sweet to swat a mosquito. Does she _really_ have what it takes to kill a man in cold blood?

"And where did you get the outfits?" is DeStorm's question.

"They made us dress up like this," says Colleen. "He was kinky."

DeStorm cracks a smile at that. "Okay. I like him."

"What'd _you_ do?" asks Gabbie.

_Glad you asked._ "Oh, we got captured by a dragon," Joey summarizes, "and, uh..."

"First of all," interrupts DeStorm, "we were blindfolded."

Tana seems bemused. "So you guys were going through some kinky stuff too."

Joey almost laughs.

Alex picks up the account of their deeds. "Yeah, we had to get through some puzzles. We all accomplished our goals." It's not quite true, but he doesn't want to look weak by admitting his failure.

DeStorm, of course, begs to differ. "We didn't _all_ accomplish our goals."

_I know._ Alex's cheeks burn with shame. _I have so much to learn._

Before anyone can go into detail about how badly Alex screwed up, the Chinese rebels barge through the door. "We gave you an hour!" the man in green bellows.

The girls scream. Colleen swears loudly. Everyone scrambles as far away from the intruders as they can get.

"We have the spear!" hollers Alex, although he isn't sure if anyone can hear him.

Fortunately, the woman in blue sees the spear in Joey's hand, and she relaxes. "He _did_ know where the Dragon Spear was."

"So..." Joey eyes the warriors warily. "You guys are gonna help us?"

"We can get two and send them to the Emperor's wedding ceremony to serve as distractions as we plot his death," says the man in green.

Alex has been through enough to know what that means.

Joey doesn't want to do another death challenge right now. Not with Rosanna in danger. But he doesn't have a choice. This is how the game is played, and if he wants to see Rosanna again, he has to go along with the rebels' plan.

The man in green holds out his hand. "We'll need the spear."

"Oh." Alex raises his eyebrows. "They're trying to take the spear, our only bargaining chip!"

"I think..." _I'll do it for Ro's sake._ "I think we can trust them. Here you go." Joey hands the spear to the woman in blue, and he is rewarded with a note written on red paper.

"We'll see you at the wedding," says the man in green.

"Okay." Joey's throat tightens. "See you there."

After the Chinese have departed, DeStorm turns to Joey. "Wait, so you just let them walk away with the spear _and_ their swords? You could've at _least_ took the swords from them."

"What does it say?" asks Colleen.

_The Emperor demands he be entertained at his wedding and desires to see a duel to the death. Two must be selected by vote to battle for the Emperor's pleasure. Choose your champions wisely._

Joey has a few opinions about who these "champions" should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Everyone (except for Rosanna) gets to vote again! Fun! Also, Colleen believes in girl power, DeStorm isn't evil, Bretman dumps Alex, and everyone worries about Rosanna.


	23. History Repeats Itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that everyone's had enough of Ancient China, two people need to infiltrate the Emperor's wedding, save Rosanna, and get the key...even if it means dying in the process. Time to vote!

"I just wanna say," announces Joey to everyone in the room, "Alex failed miserably outside, and I feel like that should speak for itself."

"Omigosh." Alex knew this was coming. In his experience, people who can't or won't do tasks are often the first to be thrown against the wall. He's never been that person before _(but Lauren was,_ whimper his battle scars), but there's a first time for everything. _If only I hadn't sucked at archery._

Mortimer grabs an Aviator card. "Look, since Alex did lose his challenge, his name is already gonna be in the pile."

"I feel like everyone in _our_ group really pulled our weight," Colleen pipes up.

Knowing the girls, she's probably right. Besides, Alex hasn't forgotten his old alliance with Tana, the guilt he carries regarding Gabbie, or how scary Colleen can get when she's mad. But on the other hand, DeStorm's his ally too, and Joey and Bretman are both valuable players. This is not an easy choice.

_What would a villain do?_

"All right, guys," says Mortimer. "One by one."

DeStorm votes first. _I can't vote for the girls. Bret been showing out. Joey did all them damn pull-ups._ He picks up an Aviator card and hands it to Mortimer. _Sorry, Alex. This is how the world works. You gotta learn before you get left behind._

Alex is evil. He _has_ to be. Goodness only ever let him down. Why should he play by the rules when they've ruined his life?

"Mmm." _Colleen said don't vote for the girls. But you know what?_ He mentally mua-ha-ha-ha-has as he lays his finger down on a Duchess card. _I'm gonna vote her anyway._

Tana was useful. She shook her ass for the Emperor and his mom. She does _not_ deserve this death challenge.

DeStorm, however, _does_ deserve it. He's always trying to show off. _Like, we get it! You'll go in!_ She hands over an Enforcer card without even thinking twice about it. _Okay! Go!_

It's a shame that Joey has to do this. There was a time when Alex was one of the most useful people in the whole group. Back then, voting for him would've been almost unthinkable.

But now...Alex failed his task. If _anyone_ deserves to go in, it's him.

_Hopefully,_ thinks Joey as he votes, _this'll be the push he needs to realize that he's going down a dangerous road._

"So how do I be evil?" Alex asks DeStorm in hushed tones, as if being evil is a magic solution that will make all his problems disappear.

DeStorm shakes his head. "I'm not evil." This ain't the reputation he wanted. He came for a party. When shit went down, he tried to adapt to the cold, cruel world, but all it got him was a label and a grave. Why the hell does Alex want to go the same way?

"Oh," says Alex.

_"You're evil, man!"_

DeStorm's brain changes channels, switching from his old friend's dying declaration to his son's face. "I just wanna go home."

Colleen doesn't think that any of the girls should go into this challenge. She, Gabbie, and Tana (as well as Rosanna, although Rosanna has immunity, so there's that) all did their part in the marriage trial, even going so far as to objectify themselves for that prick's entertainment. They've done _plenty._ No _way_ should they be forced to go near him again.

Speaking of Rosanna, is she doing okay? The Emperor _better_ not try anything with her. If he does, Colleen will _personally_ rip his innards out and wear them as decorations on her hat.

Then there's Alex. Colleen doesn't know what's going on with him. She thought he was a sweet guy, but it seems like he's trying to cross over to the dark side to be with DeStorm, and she just doesn't trust him now. So he's who she ends up voting for.

Bretman is just _tired_ of Miss Alex. Yeah, he's cute, and it was nice to crush on him for a while, but his nasty attitude is not cute at all. He's just another pretty boy with an ugly heart.

_Bye bye, bitch!_ Bretman picks an Aviator card. _I'm dumping you! We weren't dating, but I'm dumping you anyway!_ He returns to his seat with a flourish. _Blow me one last kiss!_

Gabbie agrees with Colleen's plan to vote for the guys, because the girls have been through enough. Including Rosanna. Poor Rosanna. She got immunity, but now that Gabbie thinks about it, is immunity _really_ worth the cost of having to marry an asshole like the Emperor?

Well, if _anyone_ can save Rosanna from the Emperor's clutches, it's DeStorm Power.

_You got this, DeStorm. I trust you._

"All right, that's everyone," says Mortimer. "I'm gonna shuffle and draw two."

As Alex watches the death decision process begin anew, he plays and replays DeStorm's words in his head. _"I'm not evil. I just wanna go home."_ Those two sentences contain a subtle trace of bitterness, disguised in a thick comforter of resigned tranquility—as if, perhaps, DeStorm carries pain that Alex doesn't quite recognize. How long has that pain been there? How well do they truly know each other? Is there still a piece of Alex's heart that can't see past the hate he used to feel?

He's still trying to figure it out when the other shoe drops.

"First up, Alex."

Alex's perpetual synthetic smile feels like it's about to cave into his face. "Surprise." His attempt at being the villain has officially backfired. He supposes that it was only a matter of time, but he wishes that it hadn't happened so soon.

Maybe being evil is the wrong way to be happy. Maybe, if he survives this, he should turn his life around.

DeStorm's glad that Alex is going into the challenge, since it's what the kid deserves for thinking he could get away with that stunt he pulled with the archery. That being said, if Alex dies, DeStorm will lose his only ally besides Gabbie, and he doesn't even know if _she's_ his ally anymore. He might just end up on his own again.

Which is fine. He doesn't need Alex, or Gabbie, or anyone. He'll just keep doing what he does best: survive.

"Second is DeStorm."

_Oh. Well, damn. Would you look at that. Just like old times up in here. I guess I got my Round Two after all._

Alex is obviously thinking the same thing. "We're once again enemies."

"History is repeating itself," says Tana.

The last time Alex and DeStorm faced off, it ended with DeStorm being shot into a pool with a glowing green arrow. DeStorm still remembers how the world disappeared. Well, not this time. He ain't going _nowhere._ He _refuses_ to die to the same punk twice. It's time for him to get his revenge and destroy Alex Wassabi once and for all.

So why doesn't he feel good about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Alex and DeStorm partake in a fight to the death at the Emperor and Rosanna's wedding party. The wedding turns red, but not before somebody cheats...


	24. Say Hi to God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DeStorm and Alex. Enemies. Frenemies. Friends. They've come so far. What a shame that it has to end like this.

It's a lovely night in Purgatory. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and dragons are being paraded around by men and women in crimson clothes. The stage is set for the perfect wedding. Too bad that this _particular_ wedding is guaranteed to end in a sea of blood.

"Don't worry, darling," says the Emperor to Rosanna, who stands next to his outdoor throne in all her bridal glory. "I have prepared the most _magnificent_ entertainment for our wedding. It will be _sure_ to put everyone in the mood to celebrate."

"And then we'll have the actual wedding after the entertainment, right?" Rosanna assumes.

The Emperor nods and smiles.

Rosanna doesn't much care for her groom. Even without the murder scheme, it’s obvious to her that she and the Emperor are not a very good match. After all, both he and his mother seem to think of the Socialite as nothing more than a pretty little piece of decoration that also contains a factory for making human beings. That's not a strong foundation for a marriage. Not by a long shot.

Oh, well. It doesn't matter. The marriage won't last long anyway.

_I wonder what my friends are up to?_ she idly ponders as the breeze tickles her hair. _I sure hope they're all okay on their own._

While the Emperor stares at the giant tiled map in front of his throne, Rosanna's thoughts drift to Matthew "MatPat" Patrick, her best friend and unofficial brother. Apparently, he's in the real world, trying to find a way to rescue everyone, but she's just happy that he's alive and safe. He deserves it. If she survives Purgatory, she'll find him and give him the biggest, warmest hug in all the world.

Footsteps tug her out of her memories of Matt. Someone's coming. _Is it the entertainment?_

It's Mortimer, Alex, and DeStorm.

Rosanna gasps with delight. She wasn't expecting to see any of her friends until _after_ the Emperor's death, but the fact that they cared enough to come find her is a truly wonderful surprise.

The Emperor rises to his feet. "The entertainment has arrived!" He gestures to Alex and DeStorm.

A masked woman in a blue outfit hands DeStorm a note. DeStorm sighs, mutters "all right," and reads it aloud.

_For this duel to the death, each must start in their respective corners of the tiled map. Taking turns, each will move one step to an adjacent square. Diagonal moves are illegal. The tile you step off will be turned over and will then be out of play. First to run out of moves loses._

Rosanna's heart drops. So Alex and DeStorm aren't here to help her after all. They're here for a death challenge. One of them is about to die.

_I'm the Emperor's fiancé,_ she reminds herself. _Maybe I can convince him to spare my friends._ "A death duel at our wedding?" she questions her future husband, making sure to put a hefty helping of not-mad-just-disappointed into her voice.

"Of course, darling," replies the Emperor.

_He's not listening!_ "Is this really tradition?" _Who picked this entertainment? I'll bet ten bucks that it was the monster-in-law._

This is the second time that Alex Wassabi has battled DeStorm Power. Although Alex isn't exactly sorry for defeating DeStorm back in the Victorian era _(he killed my girlfriend!)_, things are different now. They're allies. They're almost friends. Why can't they have a little more time together?

Oh. Right. Because fate loves to kick Alex around.

"Good luck," sneers the Emperor. "You'll need it."

The game begins. DeStorm, who's in the bottom left corner of the tiled map, moves one tile up. Alex laughs hollowly at his rival-turned-ally before moving one tile to the left of his starting position in the top right corner.

"You sure you wanna do that?" DeStorm chuckles.

The Emperor yawns.

"Hm-hm-hm." Alex looks DeStorm up and down. "Whatcha got?" It's only a game. Everyone's having a good time. As long as they keep smiling, they're doing something right.

DeStorm ain't fooled by all of Alex's phony giggles and grins. The kid's still sad. He's just gotten better at hiding it now. His little cheeky smile act is made of papier-mâché, and it wouldn't take much to rip it off and reveal the soft boy who cried like a bitch over his girlfriend's death. Hell, this whole evil kick Alex has been on lately is probably just another defense tactic. DeStorm gets that.

_But that don't mean that I'm going easy on him._

DeStorm takes a step to the right. The Emperor's guards hurry to get rid of all the tiles that are now out of play.

"You're lucky this isn't a physical challenge," remarks Alex as he moves one tile to the left, "cause you would've already lost."

_You wish, little punk. If we were in an actual fight, I'd have you flat on your ass in ten seconds, and you know it._ "I don't lose," DeStorm responds, taking a step to the left, studying Alex to check if he's starting to crack from all the pressure.

Alex's smile stays right where it is. "Neither do I."

A fragment of DeStorm's stony heart erodes.

"Do you think we could've just done, maybe like, the cha-cha slide?" Rosanna pleads, still hoping that her conversational skills will be enough to save the boys.

No response from the Emperor.

_Why isn't this working?!?_

"You're going to die." Alex dramatically moves to the left. _"So_ soon." His tile is next to DeStorm's. They're so close that they could reach out and touch each other if they wanted to.

DeStorm remains unfazed. "Looks like I still have somewhere to go." He steps one tile to the right. "Moves?"

"Hmm." Alex examines his environment. He's on the edge of a small rectangle that consists of nine unused tiles, whereas DeStorm has _ten_ tiles at his disposal. _Oh, shoot._ The Aviator bites his lip. _I'm a little stuck._

DeStorm's eyes flicker with feelings that Alex can't identify. "How 'bout you?"

"Oh, no!" The awful truth hits Alex like a brick to the head. "Okay...oh...I made...I might've made a mistake here, cause you look like you got more squares over there." _I can't catch up. I'm not gonna make it._ He's only got a few moves left before he has to die and go to Hell.

At least he'll die somewhere beautiful.

At least he'll be with his friends.

At least he won't have to play this game anymore.

DeStorm is _so_ goddamn close to winning this stupid duel. All he has to do is keep playing until Alex runs out of moves, and then he'll be free to live another hour. This is great. This is what he wanted. Everything's going according to plan.

He should feel proud, or relieved, or _happy._ Instead, he feels like he's falling apart.

Alex moves one square to the left. His punchable face is _still_ smiling. Shades of Lauren and Timothy pass across his haunted brown eyes.

_We could've been friends..._

Something within DeStorm's brain snaps. "You know what?" He's not evil. He's _not._ He's an asshole, and there's blood on his hands, but he's not the bad guy of the story. If he has to go down to prove it, then it's time for him to go down. "I play by my own rules." He locks eyes with Alex across the board. "This is for Lauren."

Her name bumps that phony smile right off Alex's face.

_"DeStorm, I can't think!"_

_"Yeah! Kill her! Kill her!"_

_"It's your fault! You did this!"_

_Not this time, motherfuckers,_ thinks DeStorm defiantly as he does the dumbest thing he's ever done in his life. He takes a diagonal step. He makes an illegal move. He _cheats._ For Alex, for Lauren, for Tim, for everyone he's ever hurt, for everything he never got to say.

Alex looks like he just got the sense knocked out of him. "Whoa, wait!"

"You moved diagonally!" shouts the disguised rebel guard in blue. "That's cheating!"

"DeStorm..." whispers Rosanna from her place by the Emperor's side.

The Emperor rises from his throne, his sword drawn. "A cheater? This just got a lot more interesting!" He does some fancy sword work, as if that's supposed to impress anyone, while the disguised guard returns to her post.

So this is it, then. DeStorm's just gone and gotten himself killed. He's not sorry. It's about damn time that he did the right thing.

Alex scrambles out of the way. The Emperor stands face to face with DeStorm. His royal sword is aimed right at the Enforcer's newly-softened heart.

_Love you, Tayvion._

"Hubby, no!" screams Rosanna. "That's my friend!"

But DeStorm gets a sword through the chest as his final reward.

_Don't do what I did,_ his mind tells his frenemy. _You're not...the man...you think you are..._ He grits his teeth against the pain as the scenery spins in blurry circles around him. _Alex Wassabi..._

His blood's never looked redder.

_Show 'em how to live._

Holy crap!

Did that really just happen?

Did DeStorm Power, the designated villain of the group, just sacrifice himself so that Alex could stay alive?

Alex can't believe it. This goes against everything he thought he knew about his frenemy. Guys like DeStorm aren't the type to jump on the grenade. They look out for themselves. DeStorm always made no bones about the fact that he intended to survive. But now, he's done a complete one-eighty at the worst possible moment, and Alex is left grasping for unattainable answers.

_He said that he did it for Lauren,_ Alex's soul sobs as DeStorm's dead body falls to the ground, _but he was never ashamed about what happened to her before. What changed? Why did he save me? What the hell was he thinking?!?_

"Now," announces the Emperor, "I'm ready to be married!"

Whereupon the disguised rebel charges out of the shadows and impales the Emperor with a spear.

Everyone screams. Rosanna's hands fly to her mouth. The Emperor's mother wails "No! My baby!" before her throat is slashed open by the Sorceress. The rebel in blue whips off her mask and yells a triumphant phrase in her native language.

_Okay, Jesus Christ,_ thinks Alex, _I don't know what's going on here._

"China belongs to us now!" rejoices the rebel in green.

Mortimer points haphazardly to the chaotic scene before him. "Grab the key, Ro!"

"Okay, okay." Rosanna kneels beside her almost-husband's corpse and pries the third jeweled key off his sword. "Got it! Got it!"

Alex laughs out of pure and utter shock. "This is the Red Wedding! What is happening right now?" DeStorm's dead, the Emperor's dead, the Emperor's mother is dead, they got the key, Rosanna's been saved...it's all too much for Alex to process. Conflicted feelings are having an all-out war in his messed-up head.

"Get back!" Mortimer waves Alex and Rosanna towards the door. "Come on!"

"This is the worst wedding _ever!"_ exclaims Rosanna.

The three of them run back indoors. Alex keeps laughing, because if he stops for even a second, he'll cry. _DeStorm wasn't evil._ He clenches and unclenches his fists five times in five seconds. _What happened to him, though?_ That _was evil._

He vows on the soul of his fallen frenemy that he'll never give in to the darkness again.

Alex runs into the lounge, followed by Rosanna, and words can't express how glad Joey is to see them both alive.

"Alex!"

"Ro!"

"Oh, guys!" Alex's voice trembles. _"So_ much just happened!"

Joey figures he might as well get the obvious question out of the way. "What happened to DeStorm?"

"So me and DeStorm were pitted against each other in a battle to the death," Alex explains. "It was tough, but DeStorm…" For a moment, he droops. "DeStorm saved me. Now he's gone." He fixes his smile in the blink of an eye. "But I made it!"

_DeStorm saved him?_ Joey briefly wonders how that's possible before realizing that it's a moot point. What matters is that DeStorm's dead. Again. "Why do you look so happy?"

Alex's grin twitches with somber resolve. "You guys know that I've been exploring, dipping my toes into the evil side of stuff," he says, using hand gestures to illustrate his words, "but I just saw a _lot_ of evil, and I don't wanna do that anymore. So I'm back."

"Welcome back, Alex!" cheers Tana.

Joey smiles. He _knew_ that Alex would come around eventually. "You never really actually were evil," he points out.

"Hey, I was trying _so_ hard!" Alex protests.

_Please._ Joey shakes his head. _Alex is as much of a villain as I am straight. He was just going through the world's weirdest mid-life crisis, and now that it's over, he'll be like he was before. No harm, no foul. Who's to say that death games can't have happy endings?_

_Look what you did,_ taunt Gabbie's demons. _You voted DeStorm to his death. He's in Hell because of you._

Her stomach sours with guilty grief.

"All right." Alex takes the jeweled key, goes to the vault, and puts the key in the third keyhole. "Just be ready." He turns the key, sending small sparks flying around his fingers.

_"Death is coming for you!"_ bellows a deep voice out of nowhere.

_You're late, asshole,_ Gabbie thinks bitterly, scowling at the wall as her remaining friends scream bloody murder. _Death already came._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP DeStorm. May you be remembered not as a villain, but as a hero.  
Next chapter: Let's go to Camelot! Also, Colleen continues to bring up her nonexistent baby at every opportunity, Alex works to redeem himself, and no one's a virgin, apparently.


	25. Unholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Black Knight is coming! The seven surviving YouTubers set out to stop him, but Camelot holds many hidden dangers.

Three of the four girls are back in their normal outfits, and Rosanna soon joins them by shrugging out of her Chinese robe and letting her hair down to flow over her shoulders in brown waves. _We're _ literally _dressed to kill,_ Gabbie snarks to herself.

"You guys," worries Bretman, "we have a couple hours until we turn into setting powders!"

He's right. The Armageddon Clock is already at one-thirty. Time is ticking.

All of a sudden, the group hears a shattering glass sound. "What was that?" Joey squeaks.

"I think it's our next task," says Tana.

So, like the logical people they are, they follow the sound, because _obviously_ it's best to follow the danger. It's not like their friends have _died_ or anything. Why does Gabbie put up with this bullcrap?

As the YouTubers enter the round room, Joey notices that a _lot_ has changed. There are goblets on the table, a cross and a box on the floor, bits of powder in various places, and an arrow that's been shot into one of the chairs. "Oh." Joey pulls out the arrow. "Alex, remember..."

Alex laughs.

_Oh,_ Joey silently snickers, _so_ that's _where Alex's arrows went._ "Guys, there's a note."

_Camelot has fallen. The Black Knight has plundered the land and murdered King Arthur. He now guards the next jeweled key. To defeat him, you must pull Excalibur from the stone, for it is the only blade he fears. The most holy among you must kneel before the cross to know Arthur's will._

"The most holy?" Gabbie frowns. "Tana, you're out, babe."

_Gabbie, shut up!_ seethes Tana. _You are literally just as unholy as me!_ She and Gabbie are best friends, but lately, the Hollywood Star's snooty little side comments have reached a whole new level of unnecessary. It's almost enough to make Tana want to reconsider their friendship.

"Holy typically means a good-natured person," says Colleen.

Alex leans forward. "Do we have any virgins in the room?"

Silence.

"No?"

_This is how we're gonna die._ Tana grips the back of one of the chairs. _We're all too unholy to live._

"I would say..." Joey's brow briefly furrows before he tosses out an unexpected name. "Colleen, you're probably the most holy."

Colleen won't lie; she's genuinely touched that Joey thinks so highly of her, even after everything that's happened between them. She's still working on trusting him, but a little appreciation goes a long way as far as she's concerned. "I have the most holes," she jokes. "I just gave birth to a child, so..." She belatedly remembers that her son isn't real yet. "There's a lot happening."

She kneels in front of the cross, and the box pops open, provoking gasps and screams from everyone. _Oh, wow._ Colleen's eyes widen. _It turns out I_ am _the most holy. I was kinda joking about all of my holes, but...I guess...yay for me?_

Joey pulls a bottle of wine and a note out of the box. "Alcohol?"

_Why not?_ thinks Colleen. _We could_ totally _use a drink._

_To find the pathway to Excalibur, fill each of the seven chalices with wine, but do not touch them yet. Once they are filled, all must touch the cross to hear the story of the Knights of Camelot. After the story, each of you must take a seat before a chalice and drink together like knights. However, listen carefully..._

"Uh-oh." The one thing that Rosanna's learned during these games is that listening carefully can mean the difference between life and death.

_...as two of the chalices are cursed. The names of those who drink from them will go into the voting pile._

Rosanna, being part Italian, _loves_ wine. She'll just be _so_ sad if she gets cursed while she and her friends are all drinking together. If only they could enjoy this treat without being afraid of their own cups!

While Joey pours wine for everybody, Rosanna overhears the Sorceress having a conversation with Mortimer. "So you _are_ more than just a pretty face," the Sorceress is saying. "It will be lonely ruling this museum on my own. I could use someone like you by my side."

Her words are concerning, but Rosanna has more important things to think about right now.

"Now we all have to touch the cross," says Alex once the wine is poured. He's never been one to let crippling grief distract him from the death game's tasks, and this time is no different. DeStorm has no choice but to join the Aviator's thousand ghosts of regret.

Everyone lays hands on the cross, and they hear a voice.

_"The Knights of Camelot drank together in glory, each from one of the seven chalices. Sir Lamorak drank from the chalice of the king's army. Sir Lancelot drank from the chalice of the talking forest."_

It goes on like that. Alex is pretty sure that they should be listening, because their lives depend on it, but it's _so long._ His ears are falling asleep. By the time he's managed to shake himself back to full attention, the story's nearly over.

_"When they drank together as knights, the path was revealed, though not without cost."_

That tidbit gets Alex thinking about the cost of every death challenge, and in an instant, he's depressed again.

As she listens to the story, Colleen tries to put two and two together and figure out which of the goblets are cursed. _Lancelot was talking forest, he was important, that one might be safe..._ Her eyes are squeezed shut against her eyelids. _Gotta follow! Gotta remember!_

_"So choose your chalices wisely."_

Colleen opens her eyes. Judging by the blank looks on her friends' faces, none of them remember anything. She seems to have been the only one who took this at _all_ seriously.

"There's no way for us to know which two are cursed!" gripes Tana.

"If you were paying attention, you _might_ have an idea," Joey concedes, "but honestly, I wasn't really paying attention."

Bretman nods. "Yeah, there was a lot of words."

_Really, guys?_ "I was paying attention!" Colleen slams her hand against the table. "Y'all! This is life or death! Pay attention to the clues!" _You're acting like our lives_ aren't _on the line!_

The seven survivors end up picking random cups based on their personalities, and that's how Tana gets one featuring a guy with no shirt on.

After a quick toast, they drink. The wine tastes pretty good, which Tana appreciates, although she _has_ to laugh at the fact that she's technically breaking the United States alcohol law. _Joey says it's been two years,_ she remembers, _so if I hadn't died, I would be old enough to drink now. Dammit!_

"This is a very sweet red," Rosanna hums. "Perhaps a pinot noir?"

"Ooh, she's a rusty cup," says Colleen.

Suddenly, Tana's cup begins to glow with an eerie red light. "Omigod!" she screams, her stomach churning with dread.

"What?" asks half the table.

"It's red," whimpers Tana. "It's lighting up. It's lighting up." _I'm cursed. I know it. I drank the cursed cup. I'm going into the pile._

Then, Gabbie yells "Oh, goddamn it!" and Tana sees that her best friend is in the same terrible predicament.

Screw it all. Of _freakin'_ course Gabbie got a cursed goblet. And here she was thinking that her crappy luck couldn't get any worse!

"I mean, it _tasted_ good, though," says Tana. "Shit." She takes another sip.

"You're still drinking from it?" Joey bleats. "It's cursed!"

_Nah,_ thinks Gabbie. _Tana's got the right idea. No point in wasting perfectly good wine when you can't get any more cursed than you already are._ "It's too late now!"

Tana shrugs. "Yeah, and it's good." She clinks her glass against Gabbie's.

"We living, honey," agrees Bretman.

Gabbie mutters "might as well" and enjoys her drink. It's the same as it was with the cupcake back in the Victorian era; if she has to die, she might as well go out with something she loves. She'll take cursed wine over open-heart surgery any day of the week.

Bretman's not surprised that Gabbie and Tana were the ones who got cursed. After all, they _did_ choose their goblets based on their personalities.

A nearby box opens up. Inside is a map that will lead them to Excalibur. It bears a picture of the famous sword in the stone, surrounded by four more stones for (Bretman assumes) aesthetic purposes. There's a message in the corner of the map.

_Speak the chant before the stones._

"We didn't get a chant yet, right?" frets Gabbie.

Rosanna shuffles in her shoes. "What chant?"

"No," says Alex, "we gotta go to the stones, use the map..."

"I don't even see a map!" Colleen complains.

This is where Bretman interjects. "Look, let's just get to the stones and do what we gotta do, okay?" He's a can-do type of bitch, with or without crazy chants, and he's confident that he and his crew will figure shit out in time. It's what they're known for.

Joey can't believe that he's _actually_ going to see the _real_ Excalibur in _real_ life. This is crazy. It's like he's a little boy again, he's so excited.

The group treks outside and walks down a pathway in search of Camelot. As they walk, Rosanna regurgitates Arthurian terms in an effort to help. "Do you see a sword in the stone? King Arthur? Merlin? Anything?"

"I don't see anything yet!" shouts Gabbie.

Nineteen paces into the woods, a horse can be heard. Soon after, a knight in coal-black armor comes riding out of a cloud of smoke, his dark eyes glaring malevolently through his helmet. Joey doesn't need a detective to figure out who this stranger could be.

"Omigod!" Gabbie jumps backwards. "Is that Arthur?"

Joey shakes his head as fear fills his lungs. "That's the Black Knight."

The Black Knight's appearance gives Gabbie bad vibes from the word go. She blames the outfit. Black's a neat color, but it's _not_ a color that knights should wear. Knights wear _white_ armor! _Everyone_ knows that! It's a basic storytelling convention!

"Who _dares_ seek the sword Excalibur?" the Black Knight snarls at the group.

Colleen timidly raises her hand. "Us."

"Leave my kingdom," orders the Black Knight, "or die!" He draws his sword.

Gabbie rolls her eyes. _If you wanna show us the exit, I'll_ gladly _leave, kid!_

"Is there a third option?" Alex asks.

This sets the Knight off. "Did you not hear me? I shall have your heads!" He dismounts his horse and storms towards the terrified YouTubers.

Everybody screams and runs. Gabbie trails at the back of the pack, trying not to trip over her evening gown, but she only makes it about four feet before the Black Knight grabs her and drags her away.

"Guys!" All the particles in Gabbie's body freeze up, and the trauma of her death takes over. "He _got_ me!"

Gabbie Hanna has been captured.

Whatever Tana might have been thinking about her best friend before the Black Knight's arrival, she takes it all back. She wants Gabbie back. She can't lose any more friends to the museum's fiends. But the group has a new job to do now, and Tana Mongeau's nothing if not useful.

_First, sword. Then, Gabbie. Then...oh, I hope it's not more death._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The gang meets Merlin. Yes, _the_ Merlin. Also, Rosanna is a Merlin fangirl.


	26. Merlin the Magnificent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Camelot fallen, Gabbie captured, and the Black Knight on the prowl, the group's only hope is a certain wizard from Arthurian legend.

Once the Black Knight has disappeared with Gabbie, the remaining YouTubers come out and enter the Britannia exhibit. There, they find the sword in the stone, encircled by four other stones, along with an old man chained up. Rosanna lets out a little gasp when she sees the old man's wizardly attire. _Could it be...?_

"I remember you taking _much_ longer to get here!" says the old man.

_It is, isn't it!_ "Merlin?!?"

"Merlin?" questions Alex. "Is that you?"

"I am indeed Merlin, yes!"

Rosanna's heart jumps for joy. "I'm a _big_ fan!" Merlin has always been her favorite character in the tales of King Arthur and his knights, mainly because of his great wisdom and skill, and now, here she is, actually _meeting_ him! She is fangirling _so_ hard!

"I live backwards," reveals Merlin with a smile, "so all my memories are of the future." His smile fades. "However, ever since the Collector, who didn't like my meddling, locked me up here, they've become a bit hazy."

"I'm _so_ sorry!" Rosanna can't _stand_ the thought of someone as wonderful and powerful as Merlin being held prisoner by the evil Collector. They _have_ to find a way to get him out of here!

_Holding people hostage in the museum is, like, the Collector's MO,_ contemplates Joey, _and I guess it's the same with Merlin. We're all just exhibits as far as she's concerned._

"So use your spells, wizard," taunts the Sorceress.

"Oh, _you_ I remember." Merlin points a mischievous finger at the Sorceress. "Yes, you lost your magic too."

The Sorceress flips from teasing to furious in the blink of an eye. "Say it again, wizard," she growls, advancing on Merlin with her sharp-nailed hand in the air, "and I'll dig your eyes out!"

Joey feels Rosanna grab his arm.

But Merlin is unperturbed. "Well, what the eye doesn't see, the heart won't grieve over."

This calms the Sorceress down, and she laughs.

Joey's sensing tension between Merlin and the Sorceress. He doesn't know if this tension is sexual, but hey, the Sorceress _has_ been locked up for quite a while. One thing's for sure: she's thirsty for some magic.

Colleen doesn't have time to watch this weird magical flirting. They have a sword to obtain, a Black Knight to defeat, a Gabbie to rescue, and a jeweled key to acquire! And they've only got till six AM before it's too late to go home!

Fortunately, Joey is here to focus on what's important. "Do you know how to get the sword out of there?" he asks, gesturing to Excalibur.

"It's easier said than done," is Merlin's cryptic reply.

"Okay, we're running out of time!" snaps Colleen. "Let's just take it out!" She runs over to the sword and attempts to tug it out of the stone, but she fails. This is _way_ harder than she thought. Who knew that pulling a sword from a stone would be rough?

Joey's by her side in an instant. "Let me try. I got it." He has about as much luck with the sword as Colleen did.

Tana, too, gives the sword a fruitless tug.

"Wait." Alex points to the small notecard nestled against the stone. "What's the note say?"

_Only the true king of Britannia may retrieve the sword, and there will not be another for a thousand years._

Even Merlin himself doesn't seem very happy about this. "A thousand years? Well, that's a bit of a downer, isn't it?"

_No kidding._ The timeframe doesn't really work for Colleen and her friends. They don't have a thousand years. They have a few hours. At this rate, they'll all turn to dust _long_ before the next king shows up.

So many things are going on at once. Tana's brain is a tussle between _oh God how are we supposed to wait a thousand years for a sword_ and _where's Gabbie what happened to Gabbie is Gabbie okay?_ If this keeps up, she'll get a headache again.

"If you can free me," suggests Merlin, "I can get my magic back. There's a spell that can turn one of you into a king."

_Oooh!_ Tana adjusts her blonde locks. _I mean,_ I _wanna be turned into a king!_

"We need it by tonight!" Bretman shouts.

Merlin's blue eyes twinkle. "They do say that the light of the Fae will reveal secrets the eye cannot."

Tana's confused. "The light of the Fae?" _What the hell is the Fae?_

"Let's go look for it," says Joey.

The group enters a nearby cave. Inside its caverns, a magical blue light reveals some sort of saying on the back of the map. Bretman squints in order to read it properly.

_The light of the Fae awakens the day. Abolish the stain, dispel the chain._

"So this is the chant we have to say," remarks Colleen, pointing to the chant. "We have to speak this chant..."

"Before the sword," finishes Alex.

Tana practices the chant, and it comes out sounding a lot more hip-hoppy than she thought it would. "The light of the Fae. Awaken the day. Abolish the stain. Dispel the chain." _Why does this chant sound like a rap song? Who wrote this? Lil Wayne?_

All things considered, Rosanna's night is taking a surprising turn for the better. She's about to perform _magic_—like, _actual_ magic—in order to rescue one of her legendary idols. What more could a girl want from her afterlife?

"Okay." Joey traces the words of the chant with his index finger. "Let's go."

The YouTubers go back outside, where they find Merlin and the Sorceress deep in conversation. Merlin notices the returning group first. "Look." He nudges the Sorceress. "Look."

"We found the spell," Joey tells Merlin. "We're gonna speak it."

Rosanna pumps her small fist. "We got this." _For Merlin and for Camelot!_

"All right, guys, come on," says Joey.

But then, the Black Knight comes barreling out of the darkness, yelling wordless threats at the top of his lungs. Everyone screams and runs for the safety of the cave.

"Run!" Rosanna grabs at the cave walls for support. "Run!" _What does the Black Knight want? And what did he do with Gabbie? And..._ Her blood runs cold in her veins. _Oh, no! We left Merlin out there!_

"Where are they, old man?" the Black Knight's voice bellows from outside the cave.

"Hey, enough of the 'old!'" Merlin snaps. "I'm actually getting younger! In a hundred years or so, I'll be a youth, whereas _you_ won't even be a twinkle in your father's eye!" He laughs at his own clever comment.

The Black Knight does not sound amused. "I _tire_ of your tongue!"

"Oh, well, cut it out, by all means!" says Merlin flippantly. "I'm sure the Collector will thank you for messing up her exhibit!"

After a brief standstil, the Black Knight shouts with rage, and the next thing Rosanna hears is the sound of him storming away. _Omigosh!_ Her heart feels warm. _Merlin lied to the Black Knight for us!_ She _knew_ that he would be worth their trust. He's _Merlin,_ after all.

Despite his jacket, Bretman still shivers. He's not sure if the chill in the air is because of the weather or because of the scary situation they're in. It's probably both. When are Nikita and those other guys going to get their shit together and come save the day?

(He's lying to himself. They're not coming, and he knows it.)

The YouTubers run back out into the open. "Okay, let's all stand around the sword," commands Joey. "Let's start this."

So they form a half circle around Excalibur and do the chant. "The light of the Fae awakens the day," they recite in unison. "Abolish the stain, dispel the chain."

No sooner have they finished speaking when a glowing green compartment opens up. "Oh, it's open!" shouts Alex. "It's open!"

"We did it!" cheers Rosanna.

"Who gon' be king, though?" Bretman wants to know. _Is it me? Cause I can_ totally _be the king of the badass bitches. Or the queen. Either works._

Alex empties the compartment's contents. "Oh, it's a wand and a crown."

_Omigosh!_ The golden crown reminds Bretman of the ones used in beauty pageants. _Am I being crowned for Miss Purgatory 1940 or something?_

"That looks like it's gonna fit me," says Colleen.

"My wand!" rejoices Merlin. "You found my wand!"

_Looks like Merlin's gonna get his mojo back._

Since Alex is already holding the crown and the wand, he figures that he might as well be the one to get turned into a king. Not that he has much of an interest in ruling Britannia, but hey, neither heroism nor villainy worked out for him, so why not kingship?

"Now stand right in front of me," instructs Merlin.

Alex says "okay" and stands in front of the wizard.

Merlin nods. "Turn around twice."

Alex completes two stiff turns, his feet rooted to the spot throughout them both.

"Wave..." Merlin gestures to his wand in Alex's hand. "Wave the wand around a bit, point it at my face, and chant these words: _Say all!"_

That sounds like an odd spell to Alex, but he does as he's told. "Say all." He casually places the crown on top of his head. "Say all. Say—"

"That's _it!"_ screams Merlin as his chains are bombarded with white light.

Joey jockeys to get a better view of what's going on. "Is it working?"

Within seconds, Merlin's chains break open, setting him free. He yells "Yes!" and lets the now-useless chains fall to his side. Everyone cheers, claps, and celebrates.

Alex can't remember the last time he's felt so proud of himself.

"I can't believe that the fairies stole Arthur's crown!" Merlin suddenly interjects, interrupting the celebration. "It belongs in the center of his table! The spell that can turn one of you into a king for an hour or so is in my spellbook, which is hidden...which is hidden..." He pauses to think about it.

Joey leans forward, curious to hear where, exactly, the spellbook can be found.

"Which is hidden?" echoes Alex.

Merlin soon comes up with the answer. "In the Egyptian exhibit! The Collector thought it'd be really, really funny, but it's not, is it?"

_Yeah, you're right. It's not._ Justine's final death is still fresh in Joey's mind, so he doesn't want anything to do with the Egyptian exhibit that killed her. But it's not like he has much of a choice.

"We need to split up," Alex decides. "One group should go find the spellbook, and the other group should take this crown to the table and figure out what to do there."

"Don't forget, we still gotta save Gabbie!" adds Tana.

And so the group separates again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Gabbie is tied to a chair at the table in the round room, listening to her heart beat loud enough to wake the dead. She's not having a panic attack anymore, which is good, but anxious apprehension lingers in her flashback's wake. _What's the Black Knight gonna do to me?_ she agonizes. _Am I gonna die? Is this how I end up in Hell with DeStorm and everyone else?_

She really, really, really, _really_ hates her evening gown.

Just as she's starting to get comfy, the Black Knight returns with a..._caveman? What the hell? I didn't know we had cavemen here._

"Stay here and stop meddling!" the Black Knight yells at the caveman as he ties him to the chair opposite Gabbie's. "I don't know _how_ you got out of your exhibit."

The caveman responds with grunting and heavy breathing.

As soon as the Black Knight leaves, Gabbie tries to get the caveman's attention. "Who are you?"

More grunts. The caveman is clearly terrified. He struggles to get out of his bonds, but to no avail.

"Oh, God." Gabbie can tell that this caveman isn't here to hurt her. He's in the same position that she's in. "Listen, it's gonna be okay. They're gonna help me, and they're gonna help you, and then we'll get out of this, all right?" She's doing her best to comfort them both.

The caveman hoots.

_You know,_ thinks Gabbie, _I_ am _single again..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Magic, death, and trickery. Also, Tana has a hidden talent, and Gabbie finds a way out.


	27. Camelot in Peril

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's spellbook must be found. Arthur's crown belongs <strike>in a museum</strike> at the center of his table. And Gabbie is still captured! There's a lot of work to do!

Why is Joey stuck with the spellbook group? Literally why? He _hates_ the Egyptian exhibit. The Egyptian exhibit took Justine away from him forever. He'd sooner burn the _actual_ country of Egypt to the ground than set food among the sands again.

If he'd had his way, he would've gone with the crown group, but Alex, Colleen, and Mortimer disappeared with the crown before he got the chance. So now he's with Bretman, Tana, Rosanna, the Sorceress, and Merlin at the entryway to the dreaded Egyptian exhibit. "The mummy's dead," says Joey quietly as they walk in, "so I think we're clear in that department." _I gotta hold it together. I gotta hold everyone together. It's what Justine wanted._

(He's fairly certain that if he sees what's left of her here, he'll fall apart faster than grains of sand on the beach.)

"I'm sure it's just a matter of tapping the right thing," hypothesizes Merlin, examining a jackal-headed statue.

Rosanna and Bretman both say "Tapping?" at once.

"Maybe a nose." Merlin taps the statue's nose. "Who knows if it's a nose?"

"Tap, tap," chirps Rosanna. "Bicep?" She touches the statue's arm.

Suddenly, the doors of the Egyptian exhibit slam shut. Joey panics. "Are we _locked_ in here?!?"

A vase falls and breaks against the floor.

Joey screams.

"Something's happening," gasps Merlin.

_Yeah, no shit, bitch!_ The whole damn _room_ is falling apart before Bretman's eyes. Whoever did the interior decorating for this crappy museum should've been fired!

Another vase falls. Joey yells "Omigosh!" at the top of his voice.

Merlin's face goes pale. "Look at the candles."

_Shit..._

Everyone turns to look at a set of nearby candles. As they watch, a wicked red light envelops one candle, extinguishing its flame. Then two. Then three. Just as the fourth is snuffed out, Merlin pulls out his wand and uses his magic to stop the advancing evil in its tracks. "There's dark magic at work!" he shouts to the others.

_Omigod,_ Bretman's brain whimpers, _this is too much!_

Joey picks up one of the broken vase pieces and finds a note inside.

_The Collector built a trap in case Merlin tried to recover his spellbook. When the last candle goes out, everything in the room will be incinerated._

_Including us,_ realizes Bretman. His heart jolts forward in his chest. He presses his hand against his damp forehead.

"Let's just look for the spellbook!" cries Joey. "Quick!"

Bretman's hot. It's a fact of life. He bets he could knock out the sun with his hotness. But that doesn't mean that he's hot enough to _burn!_

Colleen and Alex walk into the round room, where they find Gabbie tied to a chair at King Arthur's table. They also find a very terrifying, very dirty man tied to the chair across from Gabbie. Colleen's first impression of him is that he wouldn't know a bath if it hit him in the face.

Gabbie looks absolutely overjoyed to see them. "Colleen!"

"Who's that?" asks Colleen, pointing at the dirty man.

"It's okay!" Gabbie reassures her. "No, the Black Knight brought him too! He's not bad! He's okay!"

Colleen unties Gabbie, and Gabbie immediately unties the stranger. He jumps to his feet and starts making loud noises. "Omigod!" screams Colleen, who isn't sure if she's okay with accepting this..._caveman?_...into their group. What if he tries to kill them too?

But Gabbie seems adamant on the guy's trustworthiness. "I think he's just an exhibit that was captured."

The caveman hoots wildly.

"He has the same vocabulary as my son," notes Colleen, once again temporarily forgetting that her memories of Flynn are nothing more than glimpses of the life she could've had...and could still have, if she survives. "Okay, we have to hurry up."

Alex takes off his crown. "Okay."

"Okay, okay, you're supposed to place the crown in the middle?" Gabbie questions. She still sounds distressed; getting captured must've done a real number on her mental state. Colleen feels sorry for her.

Alex says "yes" and places the crown at the center of the table.

A chest on the floor opens up. Inside, they find a few mirrors and some sort of weird map. The latter, of course, has words on it.

_Arthur kept a secret from all the other knights. Only by reflecting light to form the four points of the Tree of Life, ending at the crown, will it appear. Each of you lay a hand on the crown to summon the light of Annwn._

So Colleen, Alex, Gabbie, Mortimer, and the caveman each lay a hand on Arthur's crown. The next thing they know, four points of green light are shining in the room, and two of the points are connected in a green line that Mortimer limbos to get away from. "Oh, guys!" shrieks Gabbie. "Don't touch it! Don't touch it!"

Colleen doesn't plan on touching it, needless to say.

Tana's racing against time. If her group doesn't find the book soon, they're _all_ done for, and nothing they've done will be enough to save them. To make matters worse, another candle just went out despite Merlin's efforts. There are only four candles left.

"Okay, time is running out!" shouts Joey.

"I found a clue right here!" Rosanna kneels at the foot of the jackal-headed statue and picks up some plaques with writing on them. "It's backwards!"

Bretman struggles to read the backwards words. "I...feel...the...pull...and..."

"Wait." Tana's system surges with a boost of confidence. "These are backwards?" She's _great_ at backwards. Ever since she can remember, she's had a hidden talent for reading things backwards. This is her chance to impress the others, show them what she's got, and cement her status as a useful member of the team.

"Yeah," says Joey.

Tana takes one of the plaques and reads it.

_In the trees, I take what I want._

"Wait." Joey has a quizzical expression. "How can you read that so easily?"

Tana beams. _I'm glad you noticed._ "I can always read things backwards really easily."

"Okay, this is your challenge!" declares Joey.

Rosanna waves another plaque in front of Tana's face. "Tana! Tana! What is this?"

_Omigod!_ Tana silently squees as her heart does a dance between her ribs. _They like me! They respect me! They want my help with this puzzle! No one's shutting me down or saying I can't do it!_ She hasn't felt this happy in what feels like forever. _Haha, bitches! You_ need _me!_

The map in Gabbie's hand contains a diagram of the shape that they need to create using the four points of the Tree of Life. This, combined with the mirrors they found, makes the solution _ridiculously_ obvious. If they use the mirrors, they can make the light reflect off the mirrors and create the shape on the map. Easy peasy.

"We have to bounce the light off these mirrors," says Alex, holding up a mirror.

Colleen snaps to attention. "So we have to make the shapes!"

Since Gabbie has the map, she takes charge. "So here's the starting point," she instructs. "Somebody needs to stand right here."

"Okay," says Colleen.

Before they can get any further than that, the Black Knight barges into the room. Gabbie freezes up in terror at the sight of her former captor. _Oh, God!_ She ducks under the table with Alex and Colleen. _Please don't let him take me away again!_

The caveman springs to the rescue. He distracts the Black Knight by jumping in and out of range of his sword, hooting all the while.

"That's it!" screams the Black Knight. "I've _had_ it with you!" He chases the caveman out the door.

Gabbie smiles wistfully as she watches them go. _Thanks, caveman friend. I knew you were a good guy. I hope you make it._

_I look up at what I have built. I feel the pull, and I'm bound to follow._

While Tana reads the many, _many_ backwards messages, Bretman opens a non-broken vase to find tarot cards. "Guys." The answers click into place in his mind. "I think we gotta match up these cards with whatever the words are saying." There are six cards, but only five plaques, so one will be left out. They have to match things up carefully if they want to live.

"Another one's gone out!" hollers Merlin.

Tana cries "omigod," which is exactly how Bretman's feeling.

"Okay, quick!" Joey hurries over to Tana and her backwards messages. "This one says..."

Tana reads yet another plaque.

_I sit with friends and enemies alike._

"And I feel like a fool would sit with friends and enemies alike, right?" says Tana, gesturing to the cards. "Or a blind man!"

"Or the gambler," Joey suggests.

_Oooh, that's smart!_ "Wait, yeah!" agrees Bretman. "The gambler would hang out with them to play, like, poker or whatever they're playing."

Joey places the gambler card next to its corresponding plaque. "Let's put it there for now. We can always change it."

"Yeah, yeah, easy," crows Tana, moving on to the next one.

_I leave the comfort of a warm home._

Tana grabs the blind man. Bretman, though, has a different answer. "But this one also says 'the pull,'" he points out.

"Yeah," says Tana, "and this is a blind man being pulled, I think."

"This one also looks like he's being pulled.'" Even as he's disagreeing with her, Bretman gives Tana a grin. He and she are _killing_ this challenge. If they both keep playing their cards right, this could be the beginning of a real kickass friendship.

Alex, Gabbie, and Colleen have a _really_ hard time trying to get the six points together. While they work, Alex thinks of the rest of the group, who he hopes are having an easier time with whatever puzzles they're facing in search of Merlin's spellbook.

Gabbie counts off the points. "One, two, three, four. Right?"

"Wait." Alex shakes his head. Their current sequence feels off to him, like something's not adding up. "It has to be one...this has to be two."

Colleen shows him the diagram. "We can't figure out which way it starts."

Alex has a lightbulb moment. "Oh! Do you have to look at the reflection of it?" There's no way that they can form the diagram in the way that it is; they have to either look at its reflection or look through the paper if they want to see what's actually being said.

"Wow!" Gabbie's eyes glimmer with hope. "Okay, so wait, what's the new starting point, then?"

Alex holds the diagram up to the light in order to find out.

"I'm not sure I can hold on to this much longer!" Merlin screams.

Joey's shoulders shake. "Omigod." After all he's been through, this _can't_ be how it ends for him and his friends. _Especially_ since he's escaped similar situations in the past.

"We have two candles left!" yells Rosanna. "You guys, two candles left!" She holds up two fingers.

"It's the fool," Bretman insists.

They double-check the cards. "These two could possibly be switched," says Joey, switching the cards in question. "Let's just try it this way." _If we're wrong, we can switch them back. We still have time. Not a_ lot _of time, but..._

Much to his relief, it works. A box opens up and reveals the spellbook. _Yes!_ cheers Joey to himself as he hoists it over his head.

Merlin gleams with triumph. "Follow me!"

"Okay," says Joey, "let's go."

And just like that, they're all safe from the trap.

"Don't shake, girl," says Colleen, even though her hands are shaking around the handle of her mirror.

"We're close," Alex promises. "We're close."

Colleen sighs. "It's _really_ hard." They're following the reflected diagram that Alex discovered, but this is _still_ not an easy task. Who knew that connecting some green dots could be so _challenging?_

Alex shifts his mirror an inch to the right. "Oh, I see it. And..."

Their new shape shines bright green. A bag drops down from the sky. "Ooh, girl." Colleen's too tired to be surprised. "My brain is exploding. That was real hard."

Gabbie picks up the bag. "It's _really_ heavy, you guys."

Inside the bag is a pale white crystal. Colleen doesn't know what it's for, but she knows that they need to get to the others as soon as possible. "Come on!" She leads her group into the hallway.

"You guys!"

Rosanna spots Colleen, Alex, Mortimer, and Gabbie _(oh, good, they saved her, I'm glad she's okay)_ at the other end of the hallway. The two groups meet in the middle. They're all smiling, but no one's smiling harder than Joey, who Rosanna suspects is happy because Colleen is safe.

"Wait, is Merlin good?" asks Gabbie.

_Is he good?!? He's_ wonderful!

"Yeah, he's good," Alex replies. "He's good."

Colleen skids to a stop in front of Joey. "You guys, be careful," she says breathlessly. "The Black Knight is still...everywhere. He came in and tried to kill us."

Merlin seems worried to hear that. "He did?"

"We found this, though," says Gabbie, presenting Merlin with a crystal.

Merlin's mood shifts from fear to elation in an instant. "This is the Guardian Angel Stone!" he announces to the delighted group. "Save this for your rainiest days."

_Given what's happened so far,_ thinks Rosanna, _tonight is cloudy with a hundred percent chance of rain._

"Place this on the Pendragon symbol to activate it when the time is right," instructs Merlin.

That's when the Black Knight arrives, provoking squeaks of fear from the YouTubers. "I see you've left your exhibit, Merlin!" he bellows.

Without missing a beat, Merlin rushes forward and uses his wand to shoot a green jet of magic at the Black Knight, who deflects it with his sword. Before long, the two are fighting in the middle of the hallway, Merlin with his wand and the Black Knight with his sword. It's an all-out war of magic and steel.

"Be careful!" Rosanna screams, her heart thumping with concern for her wizard friend.

The YouTubers run down the hall and shut the door behind them. A few seconds later, the sounds of hallway battle fall silent.

"Did Merlin just _die?"_ asks Colleen.

Tana's close to tears. "Not Merlin!"

Rosanna's heart breaks into two jagged pieces. She _really_ hopes that Merlin isn't dead, but his chances of survival aren't looking good. _I didn't even get his autograph..._

_Merlin put his life on the line for us_ so _many times,_ thinks Tana sadly. _He doesn't deserve to die._ Despite being fully aware of the unfairness of this world, she keeps her fingers crossed for an unexpected miracle.

"You guys," says Joey, "we have the book." He opens it and reads.

_The tears of the Lady of the Lake have the power to transform a person into a king. Two must be selected by the vote of the group to return to Standing Stones and cast a spell._

Tana remembers her cursed goblet and bites back a scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Voting Time is here again! Also, Tana's on her guard, Colleen has a Vietnam flashback, Gabbie holds on to a sliver of hope, and Joey has a scuffle with _Rosanna_ of all people.


	28. I Won't Promise to Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to decide who will face the Black Knight!

"Does anybody have their names in the voting pile already?" is Alex's first question.

Gabbie's gut flip-flops with fear. "I do." That stupid cursed chalice just _had_ to put a strike against her name. Why can't things go her way for _once?_ Just _once!_ Is that too much to ask?

"So do I," says Tana.

"That doesn't mean that we're going in," rationalizes Gabbie, "it's just that we..." She gulps. "We already have one." _It's just one vote. One little vote. As long as no one votes for me, I should be fine, right? I can still get out of this mess._

She's alive. She plans to stay that way.

Joey's first order of business is to protect the one person whose death he most desperately wants to reverse. He and Colleen haven't talked much since the coin exchange; they've been far too busy with survival to take time out for relationship repair. But now's their chance. He won't repeat his past mistakes.

He turns to her. "I'd like to talk to you separately to hear your point of view of what happened in the group, if you don't mind."

Doubt flashes across Colleen's expression for a split second before she agrees. "Okay, sure." She follows Joey away, but her eyes remain on the rest of the group. "Just talk amongst yourselves as to who you wanna vote for, I guess."

Joey keeps calm, but his spirit dances a touchdown jig of joy.

"You're saying that because you're going off with _Joey,"_ snorts Tana, who's _not_ about to stand by and let Colleen worm her way into a position of influence over Joey. That's how betrayals happen. That's how people end up dead.

Colleen raises an eyebrow. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You guys' alliance!" Tana exclaims. "You could be planning to vote against us!" _What happened to teamwork, huh? What happened to "let's all work together?" Did you two stop caring about the rest of us when you started liking each other again?_

_"Alliance?"_ echoes an astonished Colleen. "What are you _talking_ about?"

"We're just talking!" Joey protests. "I just wanna hear what she has to say about what happened in their group!" His voice softens. "It's not easy, but it's a conversation we need to have."

Tana murmurs a resigned "okay," but she's still disgruntled. _Joey's a hypocrite. He says he wants teamwork, but then he goes and runs away with Colleen._ She goes to join Gabbie, Alex, Rosanna, and Bretman. _It's like this is just Joey's afterworld, and we're all living in it._

Colleen sits next to Joey on the couch. She can't believe that she's forming an alliance with the same guy who backstabbed (backspiked?) her before, but then again, she _did_ forgive him, and she knows how much he wants to make things right. Maybe they'll find their way back to how they were before. Or maybe she's just an optimistic fool. Time will tell.

There is, however, someone _else_ in the group who _also_ had a hand in her death.

"I'm thinking we vote for Ro," she whispers. "She helped you shove me into that box of spikes. You've apologized. She hasn't." _It's like she thinks it never happened._

But Joey refuses. "I can't do that to Ro. I know she feels _so_ much pain for what she did to you, as much as I do."

_If you say so,_ thinks Colleen. _But why hasn't she said she's sorry?_

_I'm sorry!_ Rosanna's heart sobs as she peeks at Joey and Colleen. _I don't wanna do this! I don't wanna hurt or kill any more friends!_

"Why don't we just vote for both of them?" suggests Gabbie to Tana. "You and I already have a vote. We can't afford to get another one."

Tana frowns. "Joey _did_ bring us here, and he hasn't even been in a challenge yet."

Rosanna loves Joey, and she wants to protect him, but there _is_ the matter of Merlin's spellbook. "I think we have, like, females going in the competitions," she points out, "but the spellbook said we need a _king._ What if it only works with a boy?"

"Oh, that makes sense," says Bretman.

In Rosanna's opinion, if they need a boy to be the king, then voting for Joey is the smartest option. He's their leader. He'd make a good king. He is king material. She trusts him to wield Excalibur and assume the blessed throne of Camelot.

"I wanna survive this," Colleen confides to Joey, "and I don't wanna pick the wrong person to go die." Quite a few of her friends have lost their lives to misguided votes. She'd rather not make a similar mistake.

All of a sudden, she hears _her_ name from the other group.

"So Joey or Colleen."

Her friends are trying to kill her.

_There are spikes everywhere. She can feel their sharp tips against her back. She's screaming, but no one's listening, they're just_ pushing, _she's_ dying, _she's_ dead—

She whirls around in her seat, her face blood-red with frightened fury. _"What?"_

"Listen, all we said was, 'let's get Joey and Colleen so that we can all vote,'" says Gabbie.

Colleen says "okay" despite not believing a word of that bullshit. She knows what she heard. She knows what those assholes were trying to do. If they think they can just throw her away after everything she's done for the group, they've got another think coming.

"Already," says Bretman.

Joey stares at the floor. "Okay, fine. Let's do it."

"Since Tana and Gabbie were cursed," announces Mortimer while everyone takes their seats, "their names are already gonna be in the pile." He starts his pile with a Saloon Girl card and a Hollywood Star card.

"It was nice knowing you guys," sighs Tana.

Colleen is the first to vote. She needs the strongest people here to help her survive, and she hasn't seen Tana solve any puzzles lately. So she puts her in.

Alex votes for Joey. Then, he sits back down to watch Bretman, Rosanna, Tana, and Gabbie cast their votes. Judging by certain visual cues, most if not all of them are choosing to join the Vote for Joey train.

_So he'll probably be in there,_ Alex figures.

He's ashamed to feel so oddly apathetic about this. Maybe he's still got a few chinks left in his morality.

When Joey walks to the table, he notices that his pile is not only low on cards, but downright _disheveled._ That can only mean one thing: he's getting votes. _Lots_ of votes.

_Who the hell's voting for_ me?!?

He buries his terror underneath outrage, votes for Gabbie, and silently vows to find answers.

"All right, guys." Mortimer shuffles, draws a card, and shows it to the group. "First in is Gabbie, the Hollywood Star."

Gabbie's replacement heart plummets into her already queasy stomach. _Dammit!_ She buries her head in her hands, trying and failing not to think about how it felt to die. _I_ really _wish I didn't get cursed!_

"You can do this," says Tana, her hand on Gabbie's shoulder.

Gabbie shakily smiles at Tana in a pale imitation of confidence. "We'll see."

_Poor Gabbie,_ Tana's sympathy sighs. _She's been through so much lately, what with her getting cursed and captured and everything. She shouldn't have to go into a challenge on top of all that._ The Saloon Girl hopes that Joey will be Gabbie's opponent, as Gabbie could probably beat him without even trying, but there's still a terrifying chance—

"Second is Tana."

"Tana?" gasps Joey.

Tana slumps forward in her seat. _What? Me? But I read all those anagrams! I got the spellbook! I was useful! No one should be voting for me!_

"I'm having flashbacks," says Gabbie. "We've been here before."

"Me, too." Tana remembers spiders, black pearls, high heels, and losing. She remembers listening to Jesse Wellens die. She remembers crying in the grip of a giant spiderweb, beating herself up for not being fast enough to save him.

"Who won the last one?" asks Alex.

"I did," Gabbie recounts, "but Tana didn't die. Jesse died. We both lived."

A ray of hope soars through Tana's system. "Well, we both _lived_ last time!"

"Yeah, but I just have a feeling that's not gonna happen this time," mumbles Gabbie, and Tana's despair is forced to feel close to the same.

Bretman's rooting for Tana. She's _insanely_ useful, while Gabbie is only middle-of-the-road. Plus, Bretman was just starting to become friends with Tana, and he doesn't want their friendship to end before it's even begun.

Joey nods farewell to the girls. "Good luck, you guys."

"Come on," says Gabbie to Tana, and in the blink of an eye, they're both out the door.

_It's gonna be the battle of who wore pink best,_ Bretman jokes to himself, _cause only one girl can wear pink._ He wishes this was a fashion show instead of a death game.

"Well, I wanna say something," Joey snaps as soon as Tana and Gabbie are gone. "I saw that my pile was moved. Someone here voted for me." His glare travels from person to person, searching for signs of guilt from the friends he swore he'd save.

"I saw that too," says Colleen.

It's Rosanna—sweet little Rosanna Pansino, the nicest cinnamon roll Joey's ever met in his life—who cracks under the pressure. "We talked about voting a male in," she admits, "because we thought the scripture said _king."_

_Ro...?_

Colleen, ever the feminist, scoffs. "Why does the king have to be a man?"

"That's what the scripture said," stammers Rosanna.

Joey flounders, his knuckles white, his brain unable to make sense of what his ears are hearing. "Did you vote for me?" _Not her. Not Ro Pansino. She wouldn't do that to me. She doesn't hurt people._

"Yeah," squeaks Rosanna, "but it's because I thought you could take the sword out of the stone."

In this moment, Joey's world paints itself red. _"Rosanna!"_ Here he was five seconds ago, defending her, and she repays him by conspiring with all her little friends to send him into a freakin' _death_ challenge?

Well, then! He knows where he stands with _her!_

_He's angry now,_ realizes Rosanna, _and it's all my fault. I shouldn't have..._

"I honestly _always_ had your back," Joey thunders, his rage cutting off her thoughts. "Even when I was talking to Colleen, I made _sure_ that she was not gonna vote for you. I said I could _never!"_ His tone is sharp enough to use as a weapon. "I could _never_ vote for Ro!"

Rosanna wants to disappear into the couch cushions. "Joey..." _I'm sorry, I'm_ so _sorry, Joey, I was only trying to help, please stop yelling at me please don't be mad at me please forgive me please don't hate me please..._

She curls up into a tiny blue ball so that she won't have to face him anymore.

_Oh, God...I'm a bad friend..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Gabbie and Tana are presented with puzzles, circles, and a time limit. Then, death provides a twist unlike anything ever seen before...a twist that just might be enough to destroy the whole group.


	29. Friends Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tana and Gabbie are up against each other for the second time in Escape the Night history. Can they repeat their previous accomplishment? Let's find out!

Tana was right. History really _is_ repeating itself.

The last time she battled Gabbie on the field of death, Gabbie won, and Jesse died, and Tana's failure broke her heart...but she _lived._ She and Gabbie _both_ ended up surviving. Now, even though the black pit of hopelessness in Tana's chest screams prophecies of doom, a tiny spark of faith still whispers _maybe we have a little bit of a chance._ She nurtures that spark, because otherwise, despair will swallow her whole.

After the girls arrive at the Britannia exhibit, they take out the spellbook and and recite its incantation. "Beneath the moon and above the earth, we summon the stones of King Arthur's birth. Holy light repels the night. Protect us from the Black Knight."

Green light bathes Excalibur. Tana quietly thanks Merlin for this extra bit of protection before she reads the note that's been left for her and Gabbie.

_You must work together to build the four symbols of power before the protective fairy light dies. If you do, you will receive the tears of the Lady of the Lake and retrieve Excalibur. You are safe within the light, but outside of it, the Black Knight may capture you. You are each responsible for two symbols, but may help the other if you finish before time is up. You have five minutes._

_We can help each other?_ The beginnings of a smile tug at the corners of Tana's mouth. _Maybe there_ is _a chance we both can survive!_

Gabbie blinks in shock as her eyes come to rest on Tana's hopeful expression. "So we can work together?" This sounds too good to be true. If Gabbie knows _anything_ about these stupid games, there's _bound_ to be a catch somewhere. No _way_ are both she and Tana going to survive without someone _else_ dying, or some _other_ horrible thing happening, or whatever.

But she's not the type of girl to accept death, so _fine._ She'll hold out hope for a happy ending. Hell, what can it hurt?

She takes Tana's hands. "But listen, if we don't, and something happens..." _I'm sorry. I should've been nicer to you. You don't deserve to burn in Hell. You deserve to go home and be happy._ "I know that we've had a lot of differences, but I just want you to know, it's just because I was jealous of you because you're pretty."

The blonde Saloon Girl seems skeptical, but doesn't pull away. "You won last time we did the challenge..."

"I'm sorry," says Gabbie, her arms wide to offer Tana a hug, "and I love you."

Tana sniffles and accepts the embrace. "I love you too." She feels as soft as a cloud in Gabbie's arms.

Gabbie rips herself away from her teary-eyed best friend, promises herself that _I'm gonna_ live, _goddamn it,_ and sets to work on her first puzzle. "Tana," she calls out, "just pick the big shapes first!"

"Okay," mutters Tana, who's already well into her own puzzle.

"Um..." Before long, Gabbie finds herself struggling against her mortal enemy: geometry. "That's not right." None of the pieces fit with each other. She might as well be building the goddamn Taj Mahal for all the progress she's making. "This is _exactly_ how I died last time!"

History _is_ repeating itself...

_Honestly? Screw history._

"Yeah, I don't love this," Tana admits, squinting at her puzzle. All she can think about is her pyramid battle with Justine Ezarik in the Sands of Egypt...a battle that ended with Justine's tragic final stand. _I watched her die,_ recalls Tana. _I can't watch Gabbie die too. We gotta find a way to save us both._

The Black Knight bursts into the clearing. "What are you two doing here?" he roars.

Tana disguises her fright with a glare. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Get in the circle!" hisses Gabbie.

The girls duck into the safety of the protective light. The Black Knight, unable to capture them, departs with a sour countenance. Tana bites her lip and wonders how much time they have left. _We only started with, what, five minutes? We_ really _need to hurry!_

"Tana, go." Gabbie darts out of the light. "If you see him, shout!"

Tana goes back to her puzzle. "I'm _so_ bad at geometry!" she complains while working at a rapid, breakneck pace. "This puzzle is _so_ hard!" She's never been so stressed in her life _or_ her afterlife.

How is Gabbie supposed to concentrate on her puzzle when there's _literally_ a monster prowling around? At least with the Prometheans, she knew where they were. The Black Knight can just crash the party any damn time he wants!

"Keep an eye out, too," she shouts to Tana.

Of course, the Black Knight _immediately_ shows up again. Tana screams. "He's back, he's back, he's back!"

Gabbie says "oh, shit" and runs back into the safe zone, where Tana is already standing.

"Omigod," whimpers Tana, "that's a big knife."

"It's a _sword,_ Tana," Gabbie sighs. "A big knife is a sword." _You got killed by a sword before! How do you not know what it's called?_

"Yeah, okay, big knife," scoffs Tana.

Gabbie shakes her head.

Sword, big knife, tomato, tomahto. It's a giant sharp thing that's dangerous and wants to kill Tana. That's what's important here.

The Black Knight runs off.

"Okay, he's gone!" shrieks Gabbie. "Go! Go, Tana! Fast!"

Both girls flee the circle. Tana returns to her puzzle, repositions some of its components, and comes to the realization that she's got it right. "I think I finished my puzzle!"

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Gabbie screeches.

Tana grins. She and Gabbie are one step closer to escaping this challenge with their lives.

Alex can't sit still. Two of his friends from the Victorian game—Tana, the ally he once swore to protect, and Gabbie, whose death scarred his soul with guilt—are outside, right now, fighting to the death. It's not right. It'll _never_ be right.

The time has come to change the game.

He stands up and addresses the group. "We have two friends out there, fighting for their lives. There's five of us here. All together, we're seven. There's only one Black Knight." A stream of determination mingles with the blood in his veins. "We don't have to be scared of him anymore."

"You know what, I'm _sick_ of just sitting here," declares Joey.

Alex makes for the door. "Let's go!"

"Let's save the girls!" cheers Bretman.

And so, five YouTubers begin their first-ever rescue mission.

The pessimistic part of Alex doesn’t know why he's doing this. In death games, people die. Every time. They tried to break the rules to save Liza, and it didn't work. Even during the one incident where no YouTubers died, their beloved helper, Alison, took the fall instead. Alex has never known a round without death.

But if they can save Tana and Gabbie…if they can cheat death just this once…

_Maybe we can all be happy again._

_"How_ am I beating Gabbie right now?" Tana ponders aloud, astonished. "Like, come _on!"_ Beating Justine was one thing, but Gabbie's in a whole other league. She's the girl who climbed a spiderweb in _heels!_ If Tana can beat _her_...

"I _know!"_ yells Gabbie. "I died at geometry before!"

_Omigod!_ giggles Tana to herself as she slides a piece into place. _Did I just finish the second puzzle too?!?_ "Okay, I finished this puzzle too. I'm gonna start on yours now."

"Okay, thank you!" Gabbie replies.

_Anytime, Gab._ Tana's soul is overflowing with redemptive glee. _Anytime._

Since the Black Knight hasn't come out of the woodwork to kill Gabbie for losing, she can safely assume that Tana's initial optimism was right all along. _I think..._ The Hollywood Star stifles a cheer behind her lips. _I think we're both getting out of this alive._

"Gabbie!" squeals Tana.

"What?" Gabbie hollers back.

"I'm about to finish the third puzzle too!"

_Holy shit, that girl works fast,_ thinks Gabbie. _Maybe she should just do_ all _the puzzles! She's a lot better at geometry than I am, that's for damn—_

The green light of protection disappears.

_Oh._

_Oh,_ hell _no._

_The light's gone, the light's gone, what's happening, what do we do?_

These are the scrambled thoughts running like currents through Tana's mind as the green light of protection blinks out of existence. She's too afraid to concentrate on finishing her third puzzle, too confused to figure out what the hell is going on, and too naively high on expectations to contemplate the possibility that she and Gabbie might not get their best-case-scenario ending after all.

Before she can get her head on straight, the Black Knight materializes, his sword in hand. "There's nothing protecting you now!"

"No, no, no, no!" pleads Tana, taking to her heels. _Did time run out? Is that what's wrong? We've still got two more puzzles left!_

Gabbie races in circles around the clearing, repeating "Stop!" and "Omigod!" in a rapid-fire series of screams.

Joey, Alex, Colleen, Rosanna, and Bretman come running into the chaos. "What's going on?" Joey yells.

Tana can't think straight. All of her private tips and tricks to make herself useful enough to survive are gone like blown-out candles in the dark. "I don't know what to do." Her head hurts with fear. "I don't know what to do." The Black Knight's right in front of her. "I don't know what to do!" She's going to cry. "No, no, no, no, no!"

Rough hands grab her sleeve, and cold steel rips through the side of her torso. She falls, badly wounded, but somehow not quite dead.

_Ow, ow, oh God, oh fuck, it hurts, it hurts so bad..._ As she screams her lungs out, Tana tries to stop herself from bleeding by pressing her hands against her wounded side, but she only manages to bloody her hands and amplify her pain. _I don't wanna die...I don't wanna die...I was doing so well...I was gonna save us both...I don't wanna die!_

"Oh, Tana!" exclaims Alex.

_I wanna get up...I_ gotta _get up...Gabbie needs my help..._

"Omigod!" Gabbie's frantic voice rises in pitch, volume, and urgency, which is a sign that she's in _serious_ distress. "Omigod!"

Tana writhes in agony, desperate to get back on her feet and reach Gabbie before the Black Knight does. _No…_ She can't see anymore. She doesn’t know if Gabbie's all right. _Please...not Gabbie…don't hurt Gabbie…don't…kill…_

She slips into death with Gabbie's name unspoken on her tongue.

This is the second time that Gabbie Hanna's watched Tana Mongeau die. It hurt before, and it's _torture_ now, because _maybe that wouldn't have happened to her if I didn't suck so hard at geometry._ Gabbie screams through her flurry of tears. _I'm sorry, Tana. I screwed up. You shouldn't have had to pay for my mistake._

But before Gabbie can indulge in a nice emotional breakdown _or_ step up to finish Tana's work, the Black Knight turns her attention to her and blocks her way to freedom.

_No!_ If Gabbie wasn't so scared, she'd be boiling mad. _You_ had _your kill! It's one per monster! You don't get to kill me too!_ "Omigod! Please, no!" _Shit, he_ is _gonna kill me too! We're_ both _goners! That's not fair! I thought there was supposed to be a winner!_

"Omigod!"

"Gabbie, run!"

Her friends. They're _here._ They've come to save her. If she can make it to them—

The Black Knight drives his sword into her chest.

For a moment, everything hurts, but Gabbie's body soon goes numb and sends her floating towards the end of her days. She's dimly aware of the Black Knight holding her up from behind, red blood on his silver sword, and the other YouTubers screaming in the background, but all of that is small compared to the miserable despondency of her dying brain's final, horrifying thought.

_I'm going to Hell._

At least she'll meet Tana there.

Gabbie Hanna falls to the ground beside Tana Mongeau. For the first time since long before these deadly games began, a challenge has ended in death for all involved.

"Omigod," wails Joey hysterically, "they both just died!" He doesn't understand. He _can't_ understand. This goes against everything he thought he knew about the rules of his world. If two people can die in a single death challenge, what's to stop Purgatory's monsters from killing the whole group in one go?

Alex rubs his head with his shaking hands. "They both died..."

The Black Knight, _still_ not satisfied with the carnage he's created, marches towards the surviving YouTubers.

_We're screwed,_ Joey panics. _We lost the jeweled key. We're all gonna die right here and now._ He thinks of Daniel. _Will he believe them when they say I'm gone?_

_"Hey!"_ Merlin the Magnificent emerges from the fog, every bit a magical warrior. "You dark-hearted villain! I haven't finished with you yet!"

"Bring it, old man!" taunts the Black Knight.

And so they fight.

"It's your last chance!" Merlin shouts over his shoulder to the YouTubers. "Set Excalibur free!" His wand trades blows with the Black Knight's sword, but it's clear that he can only hold the Knight off for so long.

The five survivors run over to Tana's unfinished third puzzle and finish it fast enough to make the world spin. Then, Joey spots a fourth puzzle and yells "There's another puzzle! Quick!" _It's up to us now. If we don't get the key, Tana and Gabbie will have died in vain._

Purgatory's wind creates a tempest in Colleen's dark hair as she and her friends work together to solve the fourth and final puzzle. And well it should, because she's _pissed!_ How _dare_ the Black Knight think it's okay to murder everyone within stabbing distance! Somebody ought to get some payback for what he did to her friends!

_You know what?_ Her hands curl into fists. _Maybe "somebody" is gonna be me._

The fourth puzzle is soon complete. "We solved it!" cheers Alex. "We solved it!"

"It's done!" proclaims Rosanna.

All of a sudden, a rock opens up. "Omigod," screams Colleen, "it opened!" A rush of sheer adrenaline propels her towards the open rock. Inside, she finds the bottled tears of the Lady of the Lake. She drinks that ish up. Fortune's power swiftly takes hold of first her throat, then her heart, and finally the rest of her physique. She's pretty sure this means that she's the king.

_King Colleen Ballinger..._

It's got an _awesome_ ring to it.

While that's going on, Merlin loses his battle against the Black Knight, and his corpse joins those of Tana and Gabbie. The YouTubers scream and cry at his loss. Rosanna's especially devastated, sobbing "Merlin! No!" into the cold and unforgiving night.

"Pick it up!" Alex directs Colleen, referring, of course, to Excalibur.

Colleen pulls the sword from the stone. What was once a fruitless tug is now a single, fluid motion that flashes thunder in its wake. Even Colleen is taken aback at first; her eyes widen, her heart pounds, and her mind sputters _omigod_ before transitioning to _hell yeah._ She's never felt more powerful in her entire existence. _I'm the king, bitch._

She charges the Black Knight with all the righteous anger of a warrior charging into a crusade. He counters her first attack, but she's quick to spot an opening in his otherwise impenetrable defenses, and with one last vengeful yell, she kills that mothertrucker.

Everyone cheers.

_That's what you get for killing Tana and Gabbie,_ snarls Colleen's vicious streak. _And I'll take this!_ She steals the fourth jeweled key off the Black Knight's armor. _Honey, I am the king!_

(If only King Colleen could turn back time.)

Although Alex is in awe of King Colleen _(all hail!)_, he can't say that this result is what he wanted. He set out to save Tana and Gabbie. He failed. They died. Again. Now, not only is he left with an extra few layers of regret, but he's also the only remaining player from his night. He's alone in every sense of the word.

Colleen puts Excalibur back where she found it.

"Come on," says Alex.

What's left of the group beats a hasty retreat. Alex looks back just in time to see the Black Knight use his last breath to blow a curved brown horn. Its low tones reverberate over the silence of the museum.

Tana and Gabbie lie lifeless.

"So that message was right all along," Alex murmurs, barely conscious of his own voice. "Death _was_ coming." He turns away from his fallen friends and pulls his jacket close around him, as if a jacket is enough to fight the chill of despair. "It _did_ come."

They're back in the lounge. Bretman wants to scream, or rake his nails across his skin, or pour a bucket of ice-cold water over the top of his head. _Anything_ to wake himself up. And yet, he knows that nothing will.

_I just wanted an adventure,_ weeps the part of him that knows how to cry. _I didn't ask for whatever the hell_ this _is._

Colleen twirls the jeweled key between her fingers. "That was crazy."

"How was it?" asks the Sorceress.

"It was good," Colleen responds with a smile. "I'm the king."

The Sorceress chuckles.

"We lost two of our friends, though," laments Joey. "That's never happened before." He stares at the others as if he expects _them_ to die too.

Bretman can't meet anyone's eyes. He'd like to think that he's a bad bitch who's got what it takes to stay alive, but the truth is, he's not safe. _None_ of them are safe down here. They could literally all die any second now, and they wouldn't even know.

No one would ever know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Tana. RIP Gabbie. Never thought I'd have to kill two YouTubers in one chapter, but here we are. At least they have each other.  
Next chapter: I think we need a break. Don't you?


	30. The Living and the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything they've suffered, our five survivors finally get the break they so desperately need. Meanwhile, back in the modern world, a certain pair of past survivors are going crazy with anxiety for their friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession time: nothing that happens in this chapter (except for the very last scene) was shown in the TV show. It's the fourth edition of the semi-famous "breather chapter," because let's face it, this particular group _really_ deserves a breather. Enjoy!

Joey came to Purgatory with the goal of saving his friends, redeeming himself, and putting everything back to the way it was before. So far, he's done none of those things. Instead, he's unwittingly kickstarted a fourth game of death, and now, five of the friends he came to save are lost forever. Because of him. Always, every time, he's who to blame.

_Justine Ezarik. Timothy DeLaGhetto. DeStorm Power. Tana Mongeau. Gabbie Hanna. Dead. No more. All gone. Just from tonight._

He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He only wanted to make things right. Will he _ever_ be more than the man who left a bloody trail?

"Should I put the key in now?" asks Colleen.

"No." Alex steps forward, his goggles wobbling around his neck. "After what just happened to Tana and Gabbie, I don't wanna get back into the game just yet. It's better if we take a break first."

"I agree," Rosanna murmurs.

Bretman glances fearfully at the Armageddon Clock, which is ticking its way to two. "But...we can't...we don't have time..."

"We can afford a ten-minute break, I think," decides Joey. "Let's just be quick about it." He knows that he's pushing the envelope by agreeing to this, but he also knows that if they don't take a moment to recover now, they'll all lose their minds with grief before morning. So it's for the best.

Colleen slips the key into her pocket and walks briskly out of the lounge, while Alex, Bretman, and Rosanna settle down on couches and chairs. Joey chooses to follow Colleen. She's not only his best friend left in Purgatory, but also the only one here that he knows he can trust.

How the tables have turned.

Bretman spends the first minute of his ten-minute break staring at his perfectly polished nails. Tana and Gabbie's deaths have rattled him more than anything else so far _(there was no winner, it didn't matter, you can die just like that),_ and it's gotten to the point where all he can think about is the difference between a dead bitch and a living bitch. They're not so different after all, are they? He's not dead like the rest, but if things go bad, they'll all be in the same dying boat.

That's what's so scary. Dying. In _Purgatory._ Going to Hell before twenty-one. Becoming a name on the long, long list of murdered YouTubers.

Alex breaks the silence. "So, Bretman, how'd _you_ get involved in this mess?"

"Nikita," replies Bretman almost instantaneously, his best friend's grin flashing before his eyes as if she's standing right in front of him. "Friend of mine. Dunno if you knew her..."

"Oh, she was with our group in Everlock!" Rosanna pipes up.

Everlock. That's where the cult was. Nikita was held prisoner there for three months (no doubt being forced to play a death game just like this), while Bretman was at home in Hawaii, praying for her to come back. She came back. She was so lucky. Lots of people _never_ came back. Some of those people are here with Bretman now.

And Nikita? Where is she?

"She said she was going on a mission...to save..." _Manny._ "Everyone. And she said I could come along. So I did."

"But why?" asks Rosanna.

_Because I was scared that she'd disappear. Because I wanted to help her. Because I thought it would be awesome to go kick ass with my best friend._ "I dunno, sis. She said there'd be cuties. And it's not like I had any other plans for tonight." He shrugs nonchalantly, as if he couldn't care less, as if this is all just a harmless game.

Rosanna's face shifts into a concerned expression. Bretman wonders if she can see through him.

_I'm still a bad bitch, right?_

He thinks of his parents. His siblings. His friends. His little niece, Cleo, who's only two. Everyone he's ever loved. They need him. They _can't_ lose him. He _won't_ be a corpse in the afterlife for them to find.

Nikita's not coming to take him home? Fine. He'll get there himself.

Alex isn't Alex the hero _or_ Alex the villain. Not anymore. He has a new purpose now, and with it, a new identity: Alex the man who's looking for life, or at least a taste of the joy he once had. But with almost everyone he's grown close to dead, gone, or both, is happiness still possible, or has he lost his last chance?

While Bretman and Rosanna carry on chatting, Alex's thoughts drift, as they often do, to Lauren Riihimaki. He _saw_ her. He's _sure_ they met again. He can feel the ghost of her hand on his cheek. But he doesn't know what they said to each other, how they were separated, or where she is now. For all he knows, she could've been sent to Hell too.

Between her, DeStorm, Liza, Tana, and Gabbie, there's a lot to shatter Alex's heart.

"Earth to Alex." Bretman waves his hand in front of Alex's face. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"My girlfriend," mutters Alex involuntarily.

Rosanna cocks her head to the side. "You mean Lauren? What about her?"

Alex fiddles with the Aviator's goggles that hang around his neck, his brain stuck on Lauren's beautiful smile. "Sometimes," he admits quietly, "I wonder what would've happened if we made it. Would we have stayed together forever, with marriage and kids and all that? Or would we have broken up eventually?"

"I'm sure you would've done fine," Rosanna reassures him.

"Well, we died before we could find out," Alex sighs, "so I guess I'll never know." He thinks of several movies he could mention as comparison, but he's too busy hurting to waste time with cheap movie jokes. "If I go home, and I can't save her, I think I'm gonna try moving on. That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? Move on?" He strengthens his voice in an attempt to strengthen his conviction. "I've still got my family, and Tyler, and Roi, and Yousef, and all my other friends...I've still got a shot..." _If I can't be happy, what's the point of being alive?_

Rosanna shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "Roi...he was with our group too."

_Oh, God, no. Not Roi. Anyone but Roi._

"He didn't make it. I'm so sorry..."

And as the overwhelming torment of a thousand open wounds drives Alex to the brink of hopeless desperation, he hangs his head, covers his face with his trembling hands, and cries.

Rosanna can't stand this atmosphere. It weighs heavy on her heart, like a million layers of brick on top of a piece of glass. Alex is crying. Bretman looks miserable. Joey and Colleen are closed off from the group. All Rosanna wants to do is take everyone's pain away, even if it means bearing that pain on her own tiny shoulders, but she can't even do _that_ much for her beloved companions.

So she does what she _can_ do; she takes off her white coat and offers it to Alex so that he can have something to cry into. He, however, waves it away and continues to sob into his palms.

"I'm sorry." Rosanna's trying not to burst into tears herself. "I'm _so_ sorry, Alex. I know how much he meant to you."

There's silence for a second before Bretman speaks up. "We can still get him back, can't we? And your girlfriend, too. That's what this mission's about. Saving all the dead bitches." Then, with a bitter laugh to punctuate his words, "We kinda suck at it right now, I know. But maybe if we can find where they're keeping everyone who wasn't with you guys..."

"Like Safiya," mumbles Rosanna, thinking of her Investigative friend.

Bretman nods. "If they're not perma-dead, they've _got_ to be here _some_where."

"Yeah." Hope flutters in Rosanna's breast. It would be _so_ nice to find the other fourteen victims and save them from wherever they are in the Museum of the Dead (because _surely_ the Collector wouldn't have just let them go). Yes, the five they lost to final deaths are unsavable now, but that doesn't mean that Joey's mission cannot still succeed. As long as the majority of YouTubers are rescued, it'll be fine. It _has_ to be fine.

She just wishes that it didn't have to come down to another death game, another string of murders, and so many more broken hearts.

Her thoughts pivot towards her soul brother. "Joey said Matt was with you..."

"He's okay," Bretman quickly assures her. "He's with Nikita. They're _supposedly_ thinking up a plan to get us out of here." His tone sours around the syllables of "supposedly."

Rosanna curls up against Alex. "That's good. I...just…I want..." She tries to keep her voice calm, but it dips just low enough to crack, and in an instant, the deepest, most heartfelt desire of her innermost self slips through the chinks. "I want life to be nicer. I want a good world, without all these death games, where everyone can be happy again."

"It'll happen someday, Ro," promises Alex through his tears. "They can't keep killing us forever."

_Someday..._ Rosanna closes her eyes. _We will be all right. No one else will suffer and die because of the evil's schemes. Good will win, love will prevail, and all will be forgiven._ She smiles wistfully. _I hope I live long enough to see that day._

Joey and Colleen stand together in front of a taxidermied lion. Colleen's dark brown eyes examine the lion with feigned interest, as if she's an ordinary tourist at an ordinary museum, but Joey can tell from the slight slump in her otherwise attentive posture that her mind is elsewhere at the moment. He hopes that she's concentrating on a happy memory, such as her time as king of Britannia, instead of a traumatizing one, such as her death in the Maiden of Madness...and yet, he knows her far too well to dream that she's forgotten all that brought her here.

"Are you okay?" he asks, although he already knows the answer.

She turns and regards him suspiciously. "Uh...no? Am I _supposed_ to be? People are dying..."

"I know," he sighs. "I'm sorry this keeps happening." _I'm sorry that I dragged all of you guys into my battles._ "I'm gonna make things right, okay? We'll get out of here. All of us."

"Joey, the way things are going, I don't think you can save _all_ of us."

_God, I wish she wasn't right._ "But I'll save you. I _will._ I promise. You just gotta trust me, Colleen. Please. You're all I have left."

Colleen shakes her head so hard that her hat almost falls off her head. "Look," she says, "I accepted your apology, and I _do_ trust you, I guess, but..." Her voice quivers. "I'm not over what happened in Everlock. I look at you, and a part of me thinks, _he's gonna betray me again."_

"No," Joey whispers, kicking himself once again for hurting her like this. "Never."

To which she responds, "How do I know that's not another lie?"

Joey staggers backwards, wilting underneath her glare, replaying her dying screams like a screwed-up loop in his screwed-up head. He understands now. He was a fool to think that he could fix this. Even if he _does_ save Colleen, she'll be forever psychologically scarred by the two nights' worth of trauma that he put her through. The same goes for the rest of his friends. He damaged each and every one, and no amount of apologies will put them back together. All he can do is spend what's left of his life being the friend that he should've been before.

He will start by protecting them—_all_ of them, even the ones who are God knows where—from this terrifying Museum of the Dead.

"You know," says Colleen, "I don't think I'd be _quite_ this mad if it weren't for the baby."

Joey nearly jumps out of his shoes. "The baby? What baby?!?" He suddenly remembers Colleen's joke about having the most holes, and his heart stops. _Oh, God. Oh, no. Don't tell me she was—_

"I'm pregnant."

If lightning were to strike Joey dead right now, he would probably thank it for its service.

Colleen tells all. She speaks of stories implanted in her brain, visions of a lost future, and little Flynn Stocklin. As she talks, she feels a rush of vindictive satisfaction at seeing Joey's face and shoulders collapse into watery penitence. _Now you get it,_ gloats the grudge within her. _Now you realize what you've done._

Somehow, Joey's tears are the last ingredient she needs to collect a completed apology from him.

"If I had known," sniffles Joey, "I swear, Colleen, I never, _never_ would've invited you to go on that mission, let _alone_ killed you. I'm an idiot and a bad friend and the worst person alive—"

_I think that's enough groveling._ "Listen, we can't erase the past, but what we _can_ do is be honest with each other from here on out. That's the only way for us to go back to being friends." She offers Joey her hand to shake, and she summons her fondest memories of him in order to drown out the pain that consumed their final hours in Everlock. "No more lies. Deal?"

"Deal." He shakes on it. "No more lies. Only the truth from now on."

Colleen smiles. She's never been more grateful for a promise. "That's all I ever wanted to hear from you."

They hug at last. Colleen buries her face in Joey's chest and cries tears of grief and relief into his fancy jacket. In her mind's eye, she sees her ideal life coming to fruition—herself, fully alive again, safe and free and happy, with her child, her husband, and her best friend by her side. The dream's so close that she feels like she can step right into what she deserves. _I will be okay,_ she thinks. _Joey and I will escape this together. Nothing and no one will ever hurt me again._

But then, she remembers that their escape is not so cut-and-dry. They still have five jeweled keys to collect, and so far, it's been a life for a key (or _two_ lives, in the case of Tana and Gabbie). Since there are only five YouTubers left...

"Joey," she whimpers, "if this keeps up, we're all gonna die."

She half expects him to let go of her, but he pulls her closer to him. "That won't happen." His voice plunges lower than she thought possible. "I won't _let_ it happen. I'm gonna get you out of here." A pause. "Whatever it takes."

Something about his words frighten Colleen. She can't completely overcome the anxious feeling that Joey Graceffa, despite his efforts to do what's right, is still capable of doing what's wrong. What—or _who_—would he sacrifice to keep the group alive?

_Don't think about it,_ her spirit insists. _Just be glad he cares for you._

They keep holding on to each other for the remainder of the break. Neither speaks, because there's no need. All the things they have to say are said in their embrace.

It's been twenty minutes since Joey and Bretman left through the vanishing portal, and Nikita is taking her best friend's disappearance about as well as can be expected (which is to say, not well at all). She's currently stabbing the ground with her katana while screaming a frustrated string of f-words into the evening air.

_Stupid bitch!_ shrieks her hysterical conscience. _You just_ had _to bring Bretman! When will you learn to stop bringing your best friends into this shit?_

A weaker girl would've totally fallen apart by now. Thank God for Nikita's toughened skin.

Matt hovers over Jael and Ryu, who are dealing with the broken mess that was once the Crown of Oblivion. "It's okay, we can just fix it," the Detective rambles. "I mean, it brought Joey back from the dead. It broke the Victorian spell. _Surely_ we can fix it!"

"It's no use," laments Jael. "The strain of inter-dimensional power was too much for the Crown to withstand, even with the help of the Cursed Artifact and the Life Crystal. I think it will take an expert magician to repair the damage, and no one here has that kind of talent."

Nikita plants her katana into the dirt and slumps against it. "So we can't save them." Her fingers shakily trace her two teardrop tattoos. Each symbolizes somebody who died because of her: one for Manny, and one for Roi. Will she have to add one for Bretman? Is he Manny 2.0? What if her face ends up a damn rainstorm before she sees her thirties?

_Bretman, I'm sorry..._

"Well, is there another way in?" asks Matt, his voice and eyes both desperate.

The two veteran agents take some time to think before Ryu answers. "I've heard it said that Guardian Angel Stones are plentiful in the afterlife. I suppose if Joey and Bretman came across such a Stone, they could use it to summon us to their side for a little while. But we'd only be able to stay with them for as long as the magic lasts, and we wouldn't be allowed to take them with us. They must find their own way out."

Okay. All right. So there's still a _little_ hope. And Bretman's no easy mark to die. He's every bit the bad bitch Nikita is and then some. People always say that they're practically the same person, and since _she_ survived the worst, _he_ can do it too.

Nikita's thoughts turn from Bretman to her _other_ best friend, Manny. He's about eighty-five percent of the reason why she came to this shithole in the first place, so as long as the others save him (and as many other people as they can) without getting themselves killed, she'll be happy. Hell, he doesn't even have to be friends with her anymore if he doesn't want to. She'd rather have him hate her and be alive than love her and be dead.

She pulls her katana out of the ground and twirls it around her head a few times. All the better for acting like the unbothered badass she should be. It's either this or a mental breakdown over her friends' safety, and she's got a reputation to maintain.

Matt paces back and forth, his hands balled up in his pockets, unable to get Purgatory off his brain. According to Jael and Ryu, all their dead friends are being kept as exhibits in a Museum of the Dead by the nefarious Collector. Does this mean that if Matt hadn't been brought back from the grave, he, too, would've ended up on display? Did the Harp of Lazarus save him from the Hall of Murdered YouTubers?

He shudders. It's best not to think about that. Right now, they need to focus on saving the others.

"So we can't get in unless Joey and Bretman find this Guardian Stone," he thinks aloud, "but is there any way we can _contact_ them, at least?"

Jael shakes her head. "I'm afraid not. If I knew how to communicate with those in Purgatory, I would've..." She falls silent, and a shadow passes across her face.

Nikita stops twirling her katana, throws it away, and sits in the dirt. She's got a stiff upper lip, but she's not fooling anyone; it's obvious that Bretman's disappearance is _really_ taking a toll on her psychological state. Matt feels a hundred pangs of sympathy for her. He knows what it's like to worry for the well-being of a friend.

_Worrying couldn't prevent Ro's death,_ taunt his insecurities.

_Shut up,_ he snaps back at them. _It's fine. We're going to save her soon. Her and everyone else we lost to those nights._

He sits next to Nikita, figuring that she'd probably appreciate some company. "You doing all right, Nikita?"

"'M fine," she grumbles, but then she scoots closer to him and rests her head against his right shoulder.

Matt takes the hint. "We'll see them again," he vows softly, placing his arm around her shivering frame. "Everything's gonna turn out fine. You'll see."

The two of them stay like that for a while, taking comfort in each other's presence. Nine months ago, before Everlock, Matt never could've imagined that he'd come to rely so heavily on a girl as fierce and wild as Nikita Dragun, or that _she'd_ come to rely just as heavily on a guy as straight-laced and dorky as him. But now, here they are, the last survivors of the 1970s massacre, connected by an unbreakable bond of fire-forged fellowship. It's great to see how far they've come.

And good thing, too, because he needs her support now more than ever. After all, this is the most important mission of their lives.

_We'll find you, Ro._

He knows it's selfish to think primarily of the friend that he loves the most, but he can't help it. Rosanna's the biggest fracture in his broken heart. For the chance to see her smile once more (her _happiest_ of smiles, mind you, not the sad-but-loving smile she gave him just before her death), he'll give all he's got. He'll fight Purgatory itself to bring her home.

Ten minutes have come and gone, and the five surviving YouTubers gather in front of the vault. "Well," remarks Colleen, "we shouldn't waste any more time. Should I put the key in?"

Joey nods. "Yeah." It was nice to have a break, but ultimately, they _are_ on a schedule, so they should get back on track.

Colleen takes the jeweled key out of her pocket. "So let's just put this in and try to get out of here alive."

"Agreed," says Joey.

So Colleen walks up to the vault, key in hand, only to hesitate in front of the keyhole. "Wait a second." The unease that she displayed mere minutes ago returns to her face. "Once I put this key in, we still have to get five more keys. There's only five of us left, which means...we're all gonna die..."

_Oh._ So _that's_ what she meant by that. "None of us are getting out of here alive?" Even as the words leave Joey's lips, he still refuses to believe them.

"We can't _stop,"_ declares Alex. "What are we gonna do? We either keep going, or—"

Rosanna chimes in with a firm "Let's do this. Let's do this together. We got this."

"Next time we unlock something else in this museum," announces Colleen, "none of us are gonna die." She looks and sounds like she's handing down a royal decree to her subjects, in accordance with her status as Duchess and King of Britannia.

"Deal," agrees Alex.

_And if someone_ has _to die,_ adds Joey's soul, _it_ won't _be you, Colleen. You and your baby will leave this place alive, no matter what._

Colleen sticks the key into its proper keyhole. Then, she turns it open, and the Armageddon Clock produces yet another note from its bowels. "Omigod," gasps Colleen, "there's a note here!"

"Oh, no, the clock moved," Alex frets.

Joey has a bad feeling about this. "What does it say?"

_The Black Knight has called the Gorgon home from her expedition. None of you will ever leave._

"The Gorgon..." The word "Gorgon" rings a bell for Joey. A Gorgon left with the Collector to go find new exhibits. If the Black Knight _actually_ summoned that Gorgon in his dying moments, that's _not_ good news for the group's collective promise to stay alive.

"What's a Gorgon?" questions Alex.

Joey and Bretman are the only ones who have seen the Gorgon before. The others don't understand what's coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: A surprise attack on the lounge, the tragic loss of a trusted friend, and an opportunity for Matt and Nikita to _finally_ save the day...


	31. Guardian Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their numbers are halved, their hope is fading, and their lounge is under attack by a creature who can turn living beings to stone. This is truly the group's darkest hour. Maybe it's time to put Merlin's gift to good use.

"Wait, wait, wait," stammers Alex. "There's no instructions! What's next?" Whoever the Gorgon is, she sounds bad, so _surely_ this note should give them directions on how to fight her. _Anything_ would be better than _haha, you're all screwed._

Colleen checks the back of the note. "There's no clue!"

"She's coming," Joey squeaks. "Guys, I feel like we need to hide or something."

But before anyone has a chance to hide, a monstrous woman with pale green skin and snakes for hair appears in the doorway, her ugly features twisted with evil. "What have you done to the museum?" she hisses at the terrified group.

_Whoa._ Alex glares at the monster's thread-thin excuse for a cover-up. _So_ you're _the Gorgon? Put some clothes on, and put your snakes away._

The Sorceress attacks the Gorgon, but the Gorgon easily grabs her slender throat and throws her to the ground. Alex, who knows a dangerous situation when he sees one, wastes no time in leading his screaming friends away from the threat.

"Run!" shrieks Joey. "Come on, Ro!"

"Go!" shouts Mortimer, waving them on.

Alex reaches the back door, grabs it, holds it open, and looks back just as Mortimer charges towards the Gorgon in some sort of attempt to hold her off. The Gorgon's eyes flash pale blue, freezing Mortimer where he stands. Stone travels from his hand to his arm to the rest of his body, and before long, the group's loyal assistant has been replaced with a statue.

The many horrors of Mortimer's fate, along with the realization that both helpers put themselves in harm's way to protect the group from the Gorgon's wrath, hit Alex like a one-two punch in the gut. _"Mortimer!"_

"Lock it," Joey tells Alex. "Lock it, lock it, lock it." _Thank God for the Sorceress and Mortimer._

"What was _that?"_ snaps Bretman.

"We're locked in here!" Colleen panics. "What do we do?"

"Wait." Joey approaches the now-locked door. "There's a little keyhole." He kneels down so that he's at eye level with the keyhole. _As long as I don't look directly into the Gorgon's eyes..._

Rosanna frowns. "Joey, be careful."

Joey looks through the keyhole. He sees the Gorgon slithering outdoors into the night, presumably on the hunt for more people to turn into stone. "I think the coast is clear," he whispers to his friends.

The five survivors head back to the lounge, where they find the Sorceress staring with shattered eyes at the stone statue that once was Mortimer.

"No!" screams Alex.

"Omigod," Joey gasps, "he got turned to stone!" He's instantly sorry that he ever doubted their helper's loyalty.

"Oh, baked beans!" exclaims Rosanna.

The Sorceress speaks in a low snarl. "I will gouge her eyes out for this. Mark my words!" It's clear that she means it, which is a _major_ surprise to Joey. Who would've thought that the dark and murderous Sorceress could grow to care for another human being?

Colleen knows that some people here didn't trust Mortimer, but she's _always_ trusted Mortimer, and now he's stone. _Goddamn it all._ Every time she trusts someone, they either die or turn on her. The cycle of friendship is rigged.

_How long till I lose Joey too?_

"I knew he was a stoner!" jokes Bretman.

All of the hope and determination that Joey displayed during the break seems to have been sapped out of him. "If this can happen to him," he cries, pointing at Mortimer's statue, "it can happen to any of us. We still have five keys, and there's a Gorgon coming after us that can turn us to stone. How are we gonna do this with just the five of us?"

He has a good point. They've just lost Tana, Gabbie, _and_ Mortimer, all within the space of twenty minutes. In Colleen's opinion, this is truly the group's darkest hour.

Which means...

_The Stone._

"This is the rainy day that he was talking about!" exclaims Alex, gesturing excitedly to the Guardian Angel Stone.

"What can this do?" Rosanna grabs the Stone and holds it up to the light. "What do we do with it?"

Joey takes the Stone from her. "Let's try holding it up to him. Maybe put it in his hand?" He tries both ideas, but neither one works.

Alex spots a small box with a crystal-shaped hole in its lid. "Wait, does it go on that box? Put it on there. Look through it."

It's then that Joey, too, notices the box. "What _is_ this?" He fits the Stone into the lid's hole.

The Stone fills the room with blue light. As the group watches, the door swings open, and in walk two ghosts of Colleen's past. One is a Detective; the other, a Troublemaker. Both wear dark clothes and courageous smiles.

"Matt?" gasps Joey. "Nikita? How did you guys get here? Omigod!"

_So_ they're _our guardian angels._ Colleen's thrilled to see Matt again, but she's not so thrilled about Nikita. _She's a really sucky guardian angel, considering she threw me into a murder box last I saw her._

_"Matt!"_

Rosanna lets out the loudest joyful scream of her existence and leaps into her long-lost friend's embrace. _He's here!_ Her heart, so recently broken, sings again with brand-new life. _He's really here! He found a way in! He came back for me!_

Matt responds to Rosanna's embrace with such delighted force that he straight-up lifts her clear off her high heels. His hug is like the hug of a man who hasn't felt human contact in years, and even as he laughs, he cries. "Ro..." He fervently whispers her name like a devoted prayer. "Oh, Ro...thank God you're here...I missed you so much..."

_I missed you too._ Rosanna feels as if she can fly in Matt's arms. _But it's all right. The worst is over now. We're back together._

She doesn't want to let go.

The sight of Nikita reignites the hope that almost died in Bretman's heart. _Kita!_ He nearly trips over himself on her way to her. _Y'all can stay here, bitches! She's here for me!_

When the Playboy reaches the Troublemaker, she's finishing up a hug with Joey, but she turns the full force of her affection to Bretman as soon as her arms are free. She pulls him close enough for him to feel her beating heart, and her chin rests perfectly on his shoulder. For a moment, everything is back to how it was between them, without any monsters, demons, Collectors, or deaths to get in the way.

"This is so crazy!" Joey squeals as Nikita and Matt move on to share hugs with Rosanna and Colleen respectively.

Bretman grins. He _knew_ that Nikita wouldn't leave him alone down here. Once they're done with the happy reunions, it's time to get the hell out of this dump.

This is Matt's first mission for the Society Against Evil. He and Nikita were both hastily initiated into the Society after they agreed to join Joey on his quest to make things right, so in a way, they're still learning the ropes. Which only makes it all the _more_ important that they don't screw up.

But hey, they've here, and they've finally found their friends _(including Ro!)_, so as far as Matt's concerned, they're doing a decent job thus far.

He crouches down in order to look Rosanna in the eyes. "We have a limited amount of time to save as many of you as possible, okay?" _And I_ will _save you, Ro. I swear on my life._

"So you're not here for good?" asks Joey.

"No," Matt sighs. "We have to hurry." The magic of the Guardian Angel Stone isn't strong enough for him and Nikita to be able to stay here for too long. If only Jael and Ryu could've specified _how_ long they've got!

Nikita takes note of a stone statue in the middle of the room. "Is this Mortimer's ass?"

"Yeah, sis," says Bretman.

"I'm glad," declares Nikita.

Matt squints at the statue. It's not exactly the spitting image of their old helper, but there's definitely a resemblance. "Good riddance." His feelings towards Mortimer are...conflicted, to say the least.

Rosanna suddenly looks worried. "Did you join a cult?"

"What?" Matt blurts, confused.

"I saw the symbol." Rosanna's pointing every which way, her face scrunched up with fear. "It's on her...it's on Joey...you got it..."

"We're the Society Against Evil," explains Nikita.

"We're here to help." Matt's tone wobbles under the weight of Rosanna's disapproving stare. "We're the good guys." _She believes me, right? I don't want her to think less of me because of this symbol on my coat._ Being a Society Against Evil member is okay and all, but if it came down to it, Matt doesn't think that he could choose the Society over his friends.

(Also, Jael and Ryu are weird. Bit quiet. They puke magic. It's kind of disgusting.)

What is the Society Against Evil? Who is their leader? What do they do? And why is it that bad things happen every time their symbol appears?

_The cult is recruiting,_ thinks Rosanna. _I do not trust them._ She's usually the most trusting person in the world, but she trusts _people,_ not shady cults with shady reputations. This is the same Society that roped Joey into the Everlock disaster in the first place. Now, they've got Matt and Nikita too.

_I hope I'm wrong. For everyone's sake._

"Thank you guys for coming back," says Joey to Matt and Nikita, "but you came back at a pretty crazy time. There's a crazy Gorgon woman here who will turn us to stone if we look at her."

"Look at Mortimer." Rosanna points to their petrified friend. "She looked at him...stone." _Poor Mortimer._

"I've heard of Gorgons before," remarks Matt. "They're from Greek mythology. If you showed a mirror to a Gorgon, it would reflect their vision back at them."

"That's true," Joey agrees.

"Oh, yes!" cheers Rosanna. "Yes!" _This is why Matt survived Everlock. He's smart enough to remember stuff like this._

There's a hint of pride in Matt's expression as he raises his hand. "Anyone remember that? History class?"

Rosanna points at her head, then points at Matt. "You smart. You smart." Everything's just like old times. Matt's the brain, taking on monsters with logic and intellect, and Rosanna's the heart, providing support and love every step of the way.

_Merlin's helped us out so much with this crystal and bringing our friends back,_ contemplates Joey. _Maybe there's something else in his book that can help us continue our quest._ "Colleen, why don't you check Merlin's book? There might be something there."

Colleen opens the book, and a piece of parchment falls out from between its pages. "You guys read this note?" the Duchess asks.

"No," says Joey, "we haven't." He briefly questions why Merlin wouldn't have just written in the book instead of on a separate sheet of paper, but he soon lets the thought slide.

_If my memories are correct, I think you might be facing a Gorgon. It's believed Athena's mirror shield can turn her deadly stare back upon her._

Matt pumps both fists in the air and does a little victory dance.

Colleen beams affectionately at the Detective. "It's good to have you back, Matt."

"I'm glad to be back," laughs Matt.

_The Collector, despite being a real bitch, happens to have it in her museum. The bearer of the shield must stand toe-to-toe with the Gorgon to reflect her gaze. You will find her in the Garden of Statues._

Joey volunteers _not_ to hold the shield.

Nikita's back, bitches! She's here to kick ass, take names, rescue her friends, and look as hot as possible. Now that the Guardian Angel Stone has let her and Matt into Purgatory to join Joey and Bretman _(Bretman, thank God, he's okay, I_ knew _he'd be okay)_, she can do all those things and more. The night is hers to save.

Yeah, Manny's not here. So what? He's _got_ to be here _somewhere,_ this being the afterlife and all. No way in _hell_ is he perma-dead. She'll find him. She’ll find him if she has to burn Heaven, Hell, _and_ Purgatory to the ground in the process.

The shield is quickly recovered, leaving everyone with the question of who will actually _hold_ the damn thing. "We just have to pick someone randomly to go stand toe-to-toe with this evil woman?" frets Colleen.

Bretman jabs a finger at Matt and Nikita. "How about _them?"_

_How about_ who _now?_

"Actually, I kind of agree with you," growls Colleen, "because last time I saw _you,_ Nikita, you were shoving me into a box of spikes and murdering me, so why don't you make it up to me?"

_Oh, goddamn it, it's_ this _bitch again._ Nikita narrows her eyes at the dark-haired Dancer-turned-Duchess, who she remembers from Everlock as a self-righteous bitch who tossed accusations around like freakin' grenades. Yes, Colleen's death _was_ nasty and sad, and Nikita _does_ regret it, but what other choice did they have? _Someone_ had to go. Better Colleen, who was causing all _sorts_ of stupid problems, than someone who was putting in genuine work to help the group.

Matt makes a sound that's halfway between a laugh and a gasp, then says "Ladies, need I remind you..."

Nikita's not in the mood to let Matt fight her battles for her. "No!" She holds up her right hand. "Listen, listen, listen, listen, stop!"

"They need to get this out of their system," snarks Joey. "Let's let them have their moment."

As Nikita looks her sins dead in the eye, she defends herself in a voice that betrays only the slightest of remorseful wobbles. "You don't understand. At the end of the day, we had to do what we had to do. I came back here with MatPat to save every single person." _If I was truly the heartless bitch that Colleen thinks I am, my ass would be safe at home right now._

"Okay, well, sorry for having a grudge about you _murdering_ me," Colleen retorts, "but I _think_ I can let it go, because I _definitely_ wanna get out of here alive."

She's obviously still bitter, but at this point, Nikita's fine with bitter if it means a second chance.

When Alex tried to be the villain, he let everyone down, and DeStorm was the one who paid the price. Now, Alex wants to redeem himself. Since he can't be happy, he should at _least_ be the hero that his friends once thought he could be.

"You guys," he says with a sorrowful smile, "this is the chance I've been waiting for to prove that I'm on your side again."

Joey turns to face him. "You wanna go head-to-head with the Gorgon?"

Alex nods. The die is cast. There's no backing out now.

"All right." Joey shrugs. "Come on. Let's go."

The seven YouTubers begin their quest to the Greek exhibit. Alex carries the mirror shield in his left hand, and as he walks towards his destiny, the cloud of everyone's expectations looms over him like the cloud of a gathering storm. If all goes well, he'll kill the Gorgon, prove himself to his friends, and maybe even make it so nobody has to die.

And if things go wrong…

_It's just a life DeStorm gave me,_ Alex thinks, glancing at his reflection in the shield. _It's not all that precious anyway._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Mortimer. I suppose this is still better than corruption.  
Hello again, Matt and Nikita! Welcome back to the game! Hopefully, the afterlife won't be the death of you.  
Next chapter: Alex is off to kill the Gorgon! Will he succeed in his noble quest, or will we end up with a mint condition Alex Wassabi stone statue that can be sold on Amazon.com for $12.99? Also, Matt and Nikita compete to determine, once and for all, who is truly the superior Season 3 survivor.


	32. Mythtaken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan is to have Alex kill the Gorgon for the fifth jeweled key. Simple enough to pull off, right? Maybe. Maybe not.

The Greek exhibit is an outdoor garden that's filled to bursting with statues of men and women from an ancient past. A casual passerby might see amazing works of art, forged by masters in their craft, that stand the test of time. But Alex knows that these statues were once human beings, so all he sees is a graveyard made of stone.

Alex carefully walks down the steps and hides behind one of the Gorgon's statue victims. He can see her standing at the center of the exhibit, stroking another stony corpse, a smirk on her pale green face. _Okay._ The Aviator takes a deep breath. _I can do this. I can kill her. Once she's gone, my friends will be safe, and these poor people will be avenged. Including Mortimer._

The other six survivors are watching from the top of the steps. Alex hopes that they won't have to watch him die.

He sneaks closer until he's right behind the Gorgon. Then, to get her attention, he speaks in a deep voice. "Hey."

The Gorgon turns around and sees her reflection in the mirror shield.

_Ha! Gotcha!_

But then, the strangest thing happens: the Gorgon doesn't turn to stone. Instead, she laughs. Alex glances from the shield to her and back again, thinking that maybe it just takes a bit, but no such luck. Their enemy is still flesh and blood.

"Yo guys," Alex shouts to his friends, "it didn't work!"

The Gorgon's still laughing. "It's just a _myth,_ you fool!"

"Don't look her in the eyes, Alex!" screams Matt.

_I screwed up again._ As Alex beats a hasty retreat, he does his best to only look at the Gorgon through the shield. _I got DeStorm killed, I failed Tana and Gabbie, I wasn't there to save Roi, and now I can't even kill a monster right._ His self-esteem is in the toilet. Part of him believes that he _deserves_ to be turned to stone, while the other part wonders why fate hates him so much.

Just when he thinks it can't get any worse, a Minotaur shows up and grabs him from behind. He screams and tries to get away, but the bull-headed monster is too strong for him, and he ends up dropping his mirror shield in the chaos. A note falls out.

"Alex!" shrieks Rosanna.

"Get the shield!" yells Alex. "There's a note!" _I'm so sorry, everyone! Please go on without me!_

The Gorgon cackles menacingly. "Take him to the maze."

"To the maze?" Alex was expecting her to kill him. She seems to be able to control her petrification powers, which is why he's still alive, but why is she sending him to the maze instead of just making an end of it? "Wait!" He spots the jeweled key around her neck. "She has the key!"

The Minotaur roars.

"Do as I say," the Gorgon orders the Minotaur, "or I'll rebuild the medallion and make you my slave!"

Before Alex can process that, the Minotaur lifts him up off the ground and carries him away. "You guys, she has the key!" he screams over his shoulder, hoping that he's loud enough to be heard. "They're taking me to the maze!"

"We'll come find you!" shouts Nikita.

_You know, it's a good thing I changed back to being a good guy,_ reflects Alex. _Otherwise, they probably would've just washed their hands of me and left me to die._ He's not sure that he would've blamed them.

_Why are the cute monsters never grabbing me?_ pouts Bretman. _All I get is that broke bird bitch who stole half my coins!_ Not that he _wants_ any mythical beasts to come and take him away, but _damn_ if that Minotaur doesn't have a nice set of pecs.

The Minotaur disappears with Alex. The Gorgon heads off in the other direction.

"Okay, I think we're good," breathes Joey. "Let's go check the shield."

The group hikes into the Gorgon's lair. Matt and Rosanna walk together, whispering to each other about a "labyrinth," whatever that is. It's all Greek to Bretman. Literally.

"You guys!" Joey raises his voice as he clutches the mirror shield's note in his hand. "Listen to this!"

_The Gorgon cannot be slain by a human, only by a beast. Poseidon created the Minotaur, and his medallion has the power to control it. It has been broken into three pieces. The first lies in the Gorgon's lair, and the second in the Minotaur's maze. None have ever made it out alive._

"Oh, _that's_ promising," snarks Colleen.

Rosanna holds up three gloved fingers. "Three pieces. Okay."

"Okay," proclaims Nikita, hoisting her hand high above her head, "whoever wants to survive, come with me!"

Bretman wants to survive, and he also wants to stick with his bestie, so he raises his hand.

She grabs him and pulls him behind her. "Bretman..."

_Hell yeah._

"Joey," finishes Nikita as Joey joins her group.

Matt turns to Rosanna and Colleen. "I guess you ladies are with me, then?"

The wind picks up. Bretman's yellow coat flaps like a wing behind him, and he instinctively moves closer to Nikita. He _really_ hopes that she and Matt have a plan to stop this game, because he's dealt with too much death for one night.

Apparently, storms exist in the afterlife. Who knew? Not Nikita, that's for sure. Did that Gorgon bitch have something to do with it?

As the two groups disperse, Matt takes Nikita's hand. "It's a race," he quips. "You vs. me. It's a race."

Nikita grins. "Absolutely." She and Matt have grown close enough to indulge in a little competition now and then. It's a hallmark of their friendship. They love each other dearly, but they're also ready and willing to kick each other's asses in Mario Kart, air hockey, Society sword fights, and this.

"Prove who's the better one," chuckles Matt. "The better survivor."

"Who's the better survivor," Nikita echoes, confidence oozing from her crisp tone.

Joey waves them apart. "All right, let's go! Let's go!"

Nikita sets off with Bretman and Joey, and before long, they've reached a maze big enough to put every corn maze Nikita's ever attended to shame. "Whoa." Joey's jaw drops at the sheer scope of it. "This is the maze."

"Omigod, wait, wait, wait, they were _not_ kidding," chatters Nikita. "They were _not_ kidding about this maze." She keeps one hand on her blonde wig so that the wind won't blow it off. No _way_ will she let Purgatory's storm mess up her hot look.

There's a plaque outside the maze with instructions on it, which Joey begins to read.

_Finding the center of the—_

"Joey! Joey!"

"Alex?" Joey and Nikita shout at once.

"Yeah!" Alex hollers from inside the maze. "It's me!"

Joey's face is inches from the gate. "We're coming! Don't worry!"

"I'll save you!" swears Bretman.

Nikita leans forward. "Are you okay?" She doesn't know Alex from a hole in the wall, but like _hell_ will she let him die alone in a maze because of some dumb snake bitch. No one's getting themselves killed on _her_ watch!

"Yeah, I'm just chained up!" Alex yells back.

Joey reads the directions.

_Finding the center of the maze requires solving the Minotaur's three riddles. Look around carefully, as the answer to each riddle will be an object also found in the maze. Only one may enter at a time, and if you are caught by the Minotaur before reaching the center, the light of Zeus will shine, and the next person must enter._

"You go first," says Joey to Nikita.

"I got it," Nikita assures him. "You don't even have to say. I volunteer." _I mean, duh! Of_ course _I go in first! Hello? Courage, strength, honor, winner, living...me!_

She enters the maze. It's dark as hell. Walls of ivy surround her from all sides, and a single lantern is all that lights her way. Goosebumps prick her tan skin. All that stuff about courage and honor feels like empty words up against the spookiness of the maze, but even so, Nikita grits her teeth and promises herself that she won't give in to fear.

"What's happening?" shouts Alex from wherever he's being kept.

"Shut up and just look cute!" Nikita yells back to him as she passes by a table with a variety of objects on it. "I'm gonna save your ass!"

This provokes a small giggle from Alex, followed by an "okay!" that sounds as saccharine as one of those cutesy gum commercials.

Nikita comes to an iron gate. _Oh, good. This means I'm on the right track. I'm probably close to a riddle._ "Okay...wait..." She feels around the foliage until she finds her first riddle.

_I have a head, a tail, but no body._

It clicks in Nikita's head: there was a _coin_ on that table. _Girl, where's the coin? Point me to the coin._

The beauty guru returns to the table, and sure enough, she finds what she's looking for. "Omigod, wait! There's a coin here! Okay!" She grabs the coin and books it back to the gate. "Okay, hold on. I have a head and a tail, but no body." The instant she reaches the gate, she holds the coin high in the air. "A coin!" _Easy. Snatched. Done._

The gate falls open.

"I got a gate open!" Nikita cheers. "I got a gate, okay?"

"Nikita!" Alex shouts.

She follows his voice through the maze. "Alex?"

"Yeah!"

"Where are you?"

"Come find me!"

_Oh,_ that's _helpful,_ Nikita sighs, rolling her eyes. "Come _find_ me?" _Thanks, Mr. Specific. Thanks a freakin' lot._

Bright light hits her eyes when she rounds the next corner, but she barely has a second to enjoy it before the Minotaur emerges from the shadows. She screams and runs the other way, only to hit a dead end...and that's when she remembers that she forgot her katana back in the lounge.

"Nikita? _Nikita!"_

Even the Troublemaker can't badass her way out of this trap.

Scattered around the Gorgon's lair are her past victims. Matt notices that they all have inscriptions underneath them, which seems odd, except he learned from his time in Everlock that absolutely _nothing_ is too odd for the evil's games.

Colleen reads the obligatory set of guidelines that have been provided.

_The victims of the Gorgon have lost their identities as the years have passed. Restore them to uncover what you seek._

"Okay." Matt hunches over the first statue—a warrior in a defensive pose—and reads its inscription. "Defending the attack...it seems like he should be holding a shield? Cause he's not defending anything." It looks like each statue will require a certain object to restore it. This means that Matt, Rosanna, and Colleen must first figure out what object goes where, then find the objects (which are most likely hidden around the Greek exhibit) and put them back where they belong.

However, there are also multiple podiums that don't have any statues. Matt's not sure why. Did those statues just get up and walk away?

"A kiss from the jeweled lover? Ooh!" squeals Colleen over the inscription of a statueless podium. "No one's there, so..."

Matt keeps looking. "Restore...omigosh, there's so many things we need!" _This is like Everlock all over again. Everlock Take Two. Everlock: This Time, It's Personal._

He prays that this impromptu sequel will have a happier ending.

"You guys!" Colleen sees a bunch of grapes on the ground and goes to grab it. "Here's some fruit! Wasn't there one with fruit?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" squeals Rosanna, pointing at the statue in question.

Colleen puts the grapes in the hands of a statue that's carrying a whole bunch of stone fruit. _What's this chick's story?_ she ponders. _Was she on the way to the Greek farmer's market before the Gorgon murdered her?_

Matt strokes his chin. "Uh..."

"You guys," Rosanna whimpers, "someone's coming!"

That someone is the Gorgon in all her serpentine glory. Everyone hides. Colleen ducks behind an empty podium, crosses her fingers, and tries to be as close to invisible as she can get.

Bretman can recognize Nikita's scream from a mile away. (She screams a _lot.)_ So when he hears it loud and clear from inside the maze, he immediately puts two and two together. _That bitch got tooketh..._

"What just happened?" hisses Joey.

"Omigod!" Bretman's heart stops dead in his chest at the thought of Nikita in the Minotaur's clutches. "Nikita!"

The storm picks up. "Okay, go!" yells Joey, pushing a trembling Bretman into the maze. "Go ahead! Go! Good luck, Bretman!"

As scared as Bretman is, he's ready to save his homegirl Nikita and his homeboy Alex. So he ventures into the depths of the maze, with a lantern as his only light source, and soon enough, he finds the second riddle waiting for him.

_Feed me, and I live. Give me a drink, and I'll die._

Nikita's voice echoes through the maze, reassuring Bretman that at least she's still alive. "A candle! A candle! Look for something with fire!"

"Don't listen to her!" yells Alex, who sounds like he's standing next to Nikita.

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Nikita snaps. "I literally try to come and _save_ you, and you're not gonna help me at _all?"_

"You _failed_ to come and save me," Alex corrects her.

Bretman stifles a giggle behind his left hand. _They sound like they're getting along peachy keen,_ he thinks sarcastically.

Alex snorts "whatever" _just_ loud enough to be heard.

"Oh, whatever!" shouts Nikita. "Okay! Cool!"

_Nikita, Alex, y'all got got for a reason, cause y'all dumb,_ is Bretman's opinion on the argument. _I'm not listening to neither one of y'all._ Instead, he selects a bunch of grapes from the table of small objects he's just found. _When I'm eating grapes, I'm living, honey! Also, when you smash grapes, it turns into wine, and when you drink too much wine, bitch, you could die._

He arrives at the second iron gate and hollers "Grapes?" into the dark void.

Nothing happens.

_Omigod._ A chill passes over Bretman's skin. _I was wrong. I was so wrong._

The Minotaur's roar pierces the night.

"Bretman, be careful!" yells Joey from outside the maze.

"Wait, try another item!" advises Nikita. "Try another item! What other items are there?"

Bretman checks the table. "There's a grape, a lighter, and a candle holder."

"A lighter!" screams literally everyone.

"Lighter!" _Oh, duh! Of course!_ Bretman runs to get the lighter, then brings it to the iron gate. "A lighter? Um..." He wrinkles his nose, frowns at the lighter in his hand, and tries another tactic. "Fire?"

The gate opens.

Bretman gasps. "Omigod, it worked!" _Dumb bitch. It's not lighter. It's fire!_

"Run fast!" Nikita cries out. "Run fast! Run fast!"

Bretman runs as fast as he can, trailing tiny puffs of breath behind him. He's only made it about ten feet when the Minotaur appears and backs him into a corner. "Omigod!" he screams, no longer in the mood to admire the creature's pecs (no matter _how_ nice they are).

"Bretman!"

The Playboy screams his lungs out, but his screams are not enough to save him.

Rosanna's only seen a glimpse of the Gorgon, because she does _not_ want to look in that monster's direction. Now, she's huddling behind a statue with the Sorceress, watching the beastly woman search the garden with angry eyes. _I don't wanna be stone,_ the Socialite cries to herself. _Not like Mortimer. Don't let us end up like Mortimer._

Thankfully, the Gorgon eventually takes her leave of the garden, allowing Rosanna to breathe a sigh of relief.

"I think she's gone, guys," whispers Matt, crawling out from behind a bush. "Let's get back to work." He gets to his feet and starts inspecting the first statue he sees. "My aim is true...so he needs a bow."

Rosanna scurries over to join him. "Bow and arrow?" If there's a bow, there are arrows. That's common sense.

"Okay." Matt moves on to another statue. "So we're looking for a...crown?"

"The clothed man...oh, he ain't got no clothes on, honey!" snickers Colleen.

Matt smiles. "He ain't got no clothes. All right. So we're looking for, like, a crown, a shield..." He picks up a jug to give to a stony water bearer. "Don't know where to put this one on ya. Just..." After some thought, he sets it down at the water bearer's feet. "Just leave it right here. Might want to fix your dress there, darling."

"Don't see anything else," murmurs Rosanna, scampering around the garden. "A kiss...from the jeweled lover..." The only jeweled thing she can find is a white necklace. It's not a kiss (where would they even hide a _kiss_ of all things?), but it's close enough! "Matt, there's this necklace. Is this it? A kiss from the jeweled lover?"

"Yes!" rejoices Matt, pointing right at the necklace in Rosanna's hand. "Jeweled!"

Rosanna beams. "I'll put it here." She's _so_ happy to be useful.

_I think we're doing okay,_ thinks Matt. _Everything's going where it should go, and no one's turned to stone yet._ He's reminded of the last time he worked in a trio with Colleen and Rosanna, back at Everlock's pharmacy. They make a pretty good team.

"You guys, there's stuff up here!" shouts Colleen from the other end of the garden. "I found the clothes!"

Matt goes off to investigate. "What is there?"

"I found the clothes up here! And there might be more stuff!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Matt runs up the steps, his curiosity at an all-time high. "What about that shield?"

All of a sudden, the Gorgon reappears, her telltale hiss vibrating in her throat like a death rattle.

Matt screams "Oh, _shoot!"_ and sprints into hiding. _Don't look at her,_ he reminds himself, catching his breath behind a pillar of lights. _If you look at her, you'll be turned to stone, and then you_ definitely _won't make it home for Ollie's doctor's appointment._

He can't see Rosanna or Colleen from where he is, but he _can_ hear their high-heeled footsteps clacking against the ground.

_They're smart. They'll know not to look. Please, let them know not to look._

"It's just me," Joey realizes softly, his heart pounding between his ribs as the Minotaur's maze looms over him. "Okay." He takes several deep breaths and jumps up and down in an effort to get himself psyched up. "You got this, Joey. You got this! Okay! Minotaurs! Big! Scary!"

Nikita, Alex, and Bretman are prisoners of the Minotaur. Matt, Rosanna, and Colleen are too far away to be of help. It's all resting on Joey Graceffa, tortured Savant and perpetual screw-up, to get past the final gate and save his friends.

Can he do it?

Dear God, he hopes so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The Greek shenanigans continue. Also, Nikita is the voice of reason all of a sudden, Colleen kisses Matt, and Joey comes to a crucial crossroads.


	33. A Hero or a Coward?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey steps into the maze to rescue his friends, but what horrors will he find there? And will Colleen, Matt, and Rosanna be able to finish their own set of tasks without being captured or killed by the Gorgon?

"Okay, they got through this door," Joey stammers as he treks deep into the Minotaur's maze. "Okay." He gathers up his strength and puts it into his voice in order to provide comfort to his captured friends. "Guys, I'm coming! Don't worry! I'll find you!"

"Joey!" scream Alex, Bretman, and Nikita all together.

_They're alive. I gotta keep them alive._

"Follow our voices!" instructs Bretman.

Joey keeps moving. "Okay, I made it to the second gate," he tells his friends. "I'm trying to find the third gate."

This gets an "okay" from Nikita.

One corner later, Joey runs smack dab into the Minotaur. He screams and makes a run for it. _I can't let him get me,_ sobs his mind. _If he gets me, no one will be left to save the day, and it'll be game over for all of us!_

"Run, Joey!" yells Alex. "Run!"

_On it,_ thinks Joey while he runs.

Nikita's tone carries an uncharacteristic tremble. "Joey, you got this!"

Fortunately, Joey manages to lose the Minotaur, who ends up loping off in the opposite direction. Shortly afterwards, he finds the third iron gate and its corresponding riddle. "Okay, I found the gate," he reports before reading the riddle aloud.

_When you need me, you throw me away. When you are done with me, you bring me back._

_Yeah, yeah, yeah,_ Joey snorts to himself. _I've heard_ that _one before. Sounds like a typical fuckboi to me._ Of course, he hasn't had to worry about fuckbois since he and Daniel got together. Besides, he has bigger problems at the moment, what with the death games and all.

"What are the items?" asks Nikita. "Go find the items!"

Joey shouts "okay" and goes to find the table of items.

"Ex-boyfriend?" is Nikita's next suggestion.

Once he reaches the table, Joey rifles through his options. "A rope...grapes...um...some sort of anchor..." He has a lightbulb moment. "An anchor?"

"An anchor!" agrees Nikita. "You throw it away and throw it back! Yes! An anchor!"

_I got it!_ "It's an anchor! Okay! I got it!" Joey grabs the anchor and runs back to the gate. "Okay." He holds the anchor up to whatever invisible camera and/or spirit may or may not be watching. "Anchor!"

The gate opens.

"It worked!" Joey breathes a sigh of relief. "Okay, guys! I'm coming!"

He turns a few more corners, and there are Nikita, Alex, and Bretman, chained to a table with a box on top, but otherwise safe and sound. Joey's face cracks into a smile when he sees them. "Yes! Yes!" Just this once, he feels like a good friend.

"Joey!" cheers Alex.

"Joey, we're stuck!" Bretman cries. "Help us!"

Nikita nods at a smaller table. "Look, there's something right there. Read it."

Joey breathes "okay" and picks up a note from the little table.

_You must make a choice before claiming a portion of the medallion. Someone must pay the price for those who failed in the maze. To release your friends, either your name must go in the voting pile, or theirs. If you offer up your friends, you'll be given immunity. Will you be a hero, or a coward?_

Lumps clog Joey's dried-up throat. It's as if all of the afterlife is waiting for him to choose his ultimate path.

After a tense thirty seconds, the Gorgon _finally_ leaves.

"Coast is clear, guys," says Matt, emerging from his hiding spot. He hasn't heard any screaming or petrification noises, so he's fairly certain that Rosanna and Colleen survived the Gorgon's second visit. That knowledge allows him to exhale a breath that he didn't even realize he was holding.

"Matt!" Rosanna dances out into the open, a brown bow in her small hands. "I got the bow!"

Matt's ears snap to attention. "Bow?"

"I got the bow," sings Rosanna.

"I got the clothes," pants Colleen.

Rosanna gives the bow to the archer. Colleen dresses the clothed man. Matt, meanwhile, finds a shield. "I think this shield actually goes to the guy who's defending the attack," he muses aloud. It does make sense. Shields are for defense, after all.

"Yes, Matt!" shrieks Rosanna, pumping her fist in celebration. "Yes!"

Colleen bites her lip. "Do we have everything?"

Matt knows for a fact that they do _not_ have everything. "So," he questions as he goes to give the shield to the defender, "who are we missing?"

"The crowned champion returns," recites Colleen. "Do we need his crown?"

"I mean, the Greek people, they were very natural," Matt informs everyone. "Very _au naturel._ Very much of the grape." It's kind of nice that his knowledge of random Ancient Greek facts is an advantage in this environment.

_We need a crown,_ Rosanna contemplates. _Maybe a flower crown!_ She giggles at the thought of flowers in the statues' stony hair.

As soon as she walks down the steps, the Socialite sees a small laurel wreath hiding in a potted plant. "I found it!"

"What?" gasps Matt. "You found it? Okay!"

Rosanna brings the crown over to her friends. "This is it. Very natural crown." She vaguely remembers seeing crowns like this during the Olympics, and she knows that the Olympics began in Ancient Greece, so therefore, this is an Ancient Greek crown. And it's a nice one, too!

Matt gestures to the clothed man. "I like that we put the clothes on this guy in _no_ way to actually cover up anything that would need to be covered."

"True," says Colleen.

Rosanna chirps "Here you go, sir!" and crowns the unfortunate statue. _At least he can take comfort in knowing that he's being honored from beyond the grave,_ she tells herself. _He's gone, but not forgotten. Just like everyone else who died in the halls of this creepy museum._

"Oh!" shouts Matt. "Here's a sword!" He pulls a sword from the bushes.

"Look, Matt, this is..." Rosanna waves Matt over to another statue. "His weapon raised in battle cry, but there's no one here." The solution comes to her in a flash of inspiration. "Do _we_ have to hold it? Do we have to hold this sword?"

"Yes," confirms Matt.

An enthusiastic Rosanna grabs the silver sword and climbs on top of the empty podium. She breathes a quick breath, then holds the sword over her head and opens her mouth to imitate the afterlife's bravest battle cry. Now, more than ever, she feels like a fighter. With Matt, Colleen, and all her other true friends by her side, there's no threat in the universe that she doesn't have what it takes to face.

Colleen enjoys working with Matt and Rosanna. Yeah, the little Socialite _still_ hasn't apologized for the whole spike box thing, and it's _still_ not clear how the Detective escaped the jaws of death, but they're both such joys to be around that Colleen is more than willing to overlook those things for a little while. It beats drowning within the depths of her death issues, that's for sure.

There's only one statue left to complete. "A kiss from the jeweled lover," reads Matt. "Hold on." He puts his hand on Colleen's arm. "Colleen..."

"Is that us?" Colleen wants to know.

Matt nods. "It's us."

"Well, _you're_ only getting one on the _cheek,_ mister," Colleen giggles as she and Matt mount the jeweled lover's podium. "You're a married man, and I'm a married woman!" She realizes her mistake and hastily corrects herself. "Um, I mean, I _will_ be, if I get out of here."

"Oh, did Erik propose already?" guesses Matt.

Colleen turns beet red. "Sort of," she squeaks. "He's gonna. I haven't told him about the baby, but when I do—"

This visibly catches Matt off guard. "The baby?"

_Frick,_ groans Colleen internally. _This one's gonna be a doozy to explain._ "Right. Okay. My baby. Well, I was pregnant when we went to Everlock, but I didn't know about it till after I died." She's talking at top speed, just as she usually does when she's nervous. "But now I know, right? So I wanna live. For my son. His name is Flynn. Does that make any sense?"

Matt stays silent for half a second, his face unreadable...but then, he takes Colleen's hand and smiles sadly. "It makes all the sense in the world."

It's then that Colleen remembers that Matt, too, was expecting a baby during their little trip to the 1970s. He'd announced his wife's pregnancy on social media the month before tragedy struck. If it really has been as long as Joey says it's been, that baby's for _sure_ been born by now.

_At least Matt's got more than a dream._

The Duchess turns her drifting mind away from her phantom family and fastens the jeweled lover's necklace around her neck. "Are we doing this?" she asks, leaning closer to Matt as if requesting permission.

"Give me a kiss, lover!" exclaims Matt.

Colleen plants one on Matt's cheek. Matt gasps dramatically. Rosanna squeals "Yes!" and hops off her podium.

A few feet away, a chest pops open, and inside is a piece of the medallion, plus a note. "You guys," Colleen whispers breathlessly, "look. We got it."

"Yes, yes, yes!" squeals Rosanna.

With their medallion piece retrieved, it's time for Colleen and her group to head back to the maze and find the others.

"Are you the new Calliope?" Matt asks their helper. "Are you the one who's shuffling the cards?" He liked Calliope a lot, but there's something about this new Calliope that's giving him the heebie-jeebies. Maybe it's the villainesque outfit.

"I'm the Sorceress, ingrate," snaps the Sorceress.

"She's the Sorceress!" gushes Rosanna. "She's pretty cool, Matt!"

"Yeah?" questions Matt.

"Yeah! She's, like, really helpful and really nice."

Despite Rosanna's glowing recommendation, Matt still feels uneasy. "Didn't Joey say that she killed him?" _Is trusting a woman who murdered one of our friends_ really _a good idea? There's always a chance that she could kill again..._

Joey is trapped in a Sophie's Choice. If he grants himself immunity, three of his friends will go in the voting pile. On the other hand, if he saves his friends, he'll place his _own_ life on the line. There's no perfect solution here. "It's either me or you guys."

"Joey," says Nikita, "I _know_ you're not a coward. We wouldn't have gotten this far if you were a coward. We wouldn't be here to save everyone if you were a coward." Her brown eyes shine with the beginnings of what could be tears.

The Savant considers his options. Alex and Bretman _did_ conspire with Rosanna to put Joey's name into the last death challenge, so of _course_ Joey's immediate thought is _yes, karma's a bitch._ But deep down, he understands that aiming for revenge will only make things worse for everyone. The best thing to do is to be the bigger person and sacrifice himself to the voting pile.

Nikita's right. If he's to have any hope of redeeming himself, he needs to save the friends he came to save.

"I choose to put my..." He stumbles on his words. "...my own name in the voting. To save my friends."

A solemn nod from Nikita lets him know that he did the right thing.

The box opens. Joey yells "Okay!" and springs forward to reach inside it. "It's keys! All right. I'm gonna release you guys." He unlocks Alex first.

"Hello!" complains Nikita. "Ladies first! But okay, that's fine."

After he's freed everyone, Joey re-checks the box and finds a piece of the medallion. _Thank God._ He snatches it up. _Now we can get the hell out of this maze._

The wind is _really_ going wild. Matt can barely see two inches in front of him because of all the dust that's being thrown everywhere. "Where are they?" He squints through the storm. _Are we even at the maze yet?_

"Where are they?" echoes Colleen.

As if on cue, Joey, Nikita, Alex, and Bretman come running out of the maze's gate, shouting "Guys!" and "You guys!" over the sound of the wind.

Oh, good. They _are_ at the maze. With this crazy weather, it's hard for Matt to tell.

"We went into the maze, and we saved Alex," recounts Joey.

Matt grins. "You did? That's fantastic!"

"Great job, you guys," says Rosanna.

"But I got..." Joey shows off a piece of the medallion. "I got the final piece."

_Not quite,_ thinks Matt, displaying the medallion piece his group found. _There's still one more medallion piece to go._ "When we found our core medallion, we also found this note." _And this, I think, is where the fun begins._

_To claim the final piece of the medallion, build a monument to Poseidon from the pieces hidden throughout the maze._

"We have to go back _in_ there?" Alex whines.

_Your guardian angel will search the maze for the pieces you'll use. The first to complete their monument will receive the medallion, while the other will be torn to pieces. Watch your back. The Minotaur will be roaming the maze._

One thought pulses through Matt's brain: _We're gonna be pulling some cards, aren't we?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Votes! Also, Matt has a Jc flashback, Rosanna receives mixed signals from Alex, Colleen doesn't trust Nikita, and Bretman's got opinions.


	34. She's Screaming Somewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The maze holds one last challenge for the group, and this, of course, requires a vote. Because doesn't it always?

Challenge. Death. Challenge. Death. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Alex has grown so used to this process that his body has long since stopped trying to repair his broken heart.

"So you know how this goes," says the Sorceress. "It's time to vote."

Alex votes first. As much as he hates this, _someone_ has to go in, and he's thinking that maybe it should be Rosanna. _She hasn't really done anything,_ he reasons. _I don't think she's been in_ one _death match._

The Socialite card nearly blows out of his hands as he casts his vote.

_You know what?_ steams Nikita. _Screw this. Screw this hard. No one told me that this "rescue mission" was gonna end up being another death game!_ It's a good thing that she and Matt are automatically immune, otherwise she _really_ would've snapped.

But as it is, Alex has been driving her up the wall _(I bust my ass trying to rescue him, and then he insults me? The_ nerve _of him!)_, so if she can't save everyone, she might as well let him go. "Someone _please_ vote Alex into the challenge!" she hollers. "Please!"

Alex laughs. "Wow."

"Alex," shouts Rosanna, who's about to cast her vote, "you want in?"

"Please vote him in!" Nikita begs.

"Yes," says Alex with a flippant shrug. "Put me in."

_Well,_ thinks Nikita, _at least we agree on something._

Rosanna doesn't want to make the wrong choice again. Not after losing her friendship with Joey. So when Alex gives her the go-ahead to vote for him, she decides to take him at his word. It's better to vote for someone who's okay with it than to vote for someone who isn't. That makes it all nice and fair.

She chooses an Aviator card.

_You wanted this, Alex. Please don't be mad._

Joey doubles down on his sacrifice by giving the Sorceress a Savant card. He dearly hopes that him risking his life proves to the group that he's here to save them. After all, like Justine said, this is for everyone.

Redemption's so close. If he can just not die before he gets there...

Bretman was sort of counting on Nikita and Matt to put a stop to this stupid voting shit, but clearly, that's not happening. Oh, well. It's not like he's bitter. This is just another chance for him to get his ass murdered. Nothing that he can't handle on his own.

_Miss Colleen..._

He selects her card.

_Prove yourself, Duchess._

Colleen votes for Alex. He's the only one who's not really pulling his weight, and she hasn't trusted him ever since he became buddy-buddy with DeStorm. So into the pile he goes.

Now that everyone's voted (Matt and Nikita don't get votes, _and thank God for that, cause I don't want Nikita trying to kill me again)_, the Sorceress shuffles the cards and draws one from the pile. It's weird seeing her in Mortimer's place, but Colleen supposes that she's just going to have to get used to it. Unless there's a way to un-stonify the statues. There probably isn't, but then again, there _were_ those missing statues back at the garden...maybe they could've...

"The Duchess."

_No! No! Not me! Not again! Please don't let them do this to me!_

"Whoa," says Alex. "I did _not_ see that coming."

A small "what?" squeaks out of Colleen's traumatized system. How can this be happening? Who voted for _her?_ She's _totally_ proven herself here! This makes _no_ sense!

_Joey, you_ said _you were going to save me!_

It's not over yet. She still has a chance. But right now, it's like she has no chance at all.

Alex doesn't want to take his eyes off the Sorceress and her cards. If he looks at anyone else, _especially_ poor Colleen, their faces will no doubt make him feel terrible.

The Sorceress pulls another card.

"The Aviator."

Everyone shrieks in shock, including Alex himself. "Whoa!" he screams. "What? Rosanna!" _It was her. It_ had _to be her. She voted for me because I said she could._

"The love of my life!" cries Bretman.

"I didn't know what I was saying earlier!" Alex tells the surprised little Socialite. "I was just cold!"

Rosanna doesn't take this well. "You _told_ me to vote for you!"

_Yeah, I guess I did, huh?_ Alex isn't mad at Rosanna. If anything, he's mad at himself for giving her the go-ahead to send him to what could very well be his doom. _If I wanna get out of here, I've_ gotta _stop telling everyone to put me in. This isn't Little League. It's life and death._

"The person who was called first gets to choose their guardian angel," says the Sorceress matter-of-factly, as if she doesn't know damn well that she's talking about Colleen.

"Okay." As Colleen does her best to calm herself down, she clutches her hat in order to keep it in place on her messed-up head. "I mean..." She turns to Matt and Nikita. "No offense, Nikita, but you murdered me, so..." _Fool me twice, shame on me._ "Matt."

She walks over to him and takes his hand. It feels both warm and cold.

When it comes to saving people, Matt's track record kind of sucks. But this time is different. This time, he won't be going into it blindly. He has training. He knows what to expect. He's got what it takes to make sure that Colleen Ballinger won't meet the same fate as Jc Caylen.

"I gotta say," he warns Colleen, "last time someone did this, it didn't work out too well for him." _Sorry, Jc. Rest in peace._ "But I'm gonna try my hardest for you."

Colleen hugs him desperately. He can feel her panic through her skin. He wonders if her baby can feel it too.

_I'll save you, Colleen. I promise._

Goddamn it. If Matt's got Colleen, Nikita's stuck with Alex. Because of _course_ she's got to save the guy who pissed her off the most!

She's half-tempted to just ditch him in the maze and leave him to die. It would serve him right for all the shit he pulled. But fortunately for him, she came here to save as many people as possible, and if there's one thing she hates more than anything else in the universe, it's losing. So she _will_ win this, even if it means saving Alex's smug ass.

"I, at this point, have been _very_ annoyed by this man," she declares at the top of her lungs, "but you know what? In the spirit of good competition..." She sashays over to Alex and smirks as he puts his arm around her. "May the best _woman_ win!"

_Game on, bitches. Time to see who's_ really _the better survivor._

"Good luck, you guys!" Joey calls to the combatants, but to be honest, the luck he's got to give is meant for Colleen and Colleen alone. She's still the only one who he can trust right now. If she doesn't make it back alive, he's probably next. On top of that, he _promised_ her that he'd get her out of Purgatory, and he'd rather die a thousand deaths than let her down again.

Colleen chokes out a tearful "bye, Joey" as she turns away.

_Don't say goodbye. It's_ not _goodbye. I swear, Colleen, I'll save you..._

One by one, four YouTubers vanish into the maze. Alex goes first. Then Nikita. Then Colleen, whose parting expression is that of a wounded bird who's trying to fly away on injured wings. Matt takes the longest, lingering just inside the maze's entrance in order to exchange adorable waves with a nervously smiling Rosanna, but soon enough, he follows the other three into the black.

The Gorgon's storm keeps raging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Colleen and Alex, with a little help from Matt and Nikita respectively, brave the Minotaur's labyrinth in a last-ditch quest to survive. You guys know where this is going.


	35. Of All Sad Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex, Colleen, Nikita, and Matt venture into the Minotaur's maze. Which guardian angel will successfully protect their charge, and which YouTuber will fall victim to our latest tragedy?

_The maze is lonely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..._

Matt recites his modified version of Robert Frost's classic poem in his head as he and his companions trek through the corridors of the Minotaur's maze. It fits, in a way. The darkness of the maze feels almost oppressive, as if it's about to overtake the group and swallow them whole, but he can't afford to devote any part of his mind to being afraid of it. All of his focus must be on Colleen and her challenge, because right now, she's the one who needs him the most.

He and Nikita lead Colleen and Alex to the center of the maze. There, they find two podiums, each with a picture of the Parthenon. "Okay," says Matt, who remembers the instructions from their previous note, "so Nikita and I have to search through the maze for pieces. Alex and Colleen, you two have to put those pieces together. Whoever builds the Parthenon first..." He trails off under the weight of Colleen's frown.

Nikita finishes his thought for him. "If you build it first, you win."

Alex and Colleen respond with noises of affirmation.

Just like that, the challenge begins. Matt and Nikita sprint off in different directions, while Colleen and Alex shout encouragement to their respective helpers. As Matt finds his first piece and stuffs it into his bag, he tells himself that Colleen is not Jc.

Alex stands still, clutching his lantern in his sweat-soaked hand, waiting for Nikita to return with the pieces he needs. The last time he was in a death challenge involving partners, he died, and the last time he was in a death challenge of _any_ kind, he _would've_ died if not for DeStorm. So he's got a lot to prove here.

"Are you good at puzzles?" Colleen asks him.

Before Alex can answer that, Nikita bursts back into the scene and drops a bag of pieces in front of Alex. "Oh, God," Alex gasps. He wasn't expecting Nikita to be so good at this. She might have a bit of an issue with her attitude, but she's one heck of a hard worker. Alex respects that.

Nikita pants "I think that's all of them" and disappears again.

"Hey, Matt!" yells Colleen. "Might wanna hurry up!"

Alex empties his bag onto his podium, then checks the example picture. "Okay...I got...okay. This is what it looks like." _Remember, you're supposed to be good at this._

"You've never lost before," Nikita lectures herself during her double-check through the prickly foliage. "You've never lost!" She digs a piece out of the ivy. "Even though you hate this guy!"

She's been here before, so she definitely has an upper advantage. Yes, of _course_ Matt's a little bit smarter (he's _MatPat!)_, but _girl, how much are smarts gonna get you in a situation like this?_

Nowhere, that's where. The best traits to have are speed, strength, and stamina, all of which Nikita has in _spades._ She'll win this fight.

Colleen's waiting to start her puzzle, and Alex has already started his. "Hurry up, Matt!" she screams into the ether. _Is this how I'm going to die?_

Matt darts in. "I got you! I got you!" He hands his bag to Colleen. "Here!"

_Okay, whew._ "Thank you! Omigosh!" exclaims Colleen, accepting the pieces. "Thank you! Okay."

"Go for it," Matt assures her.

Alex runs out of pieces. "Okay!" he shouts. "I need more!"

Colleen looks through the contents of her new bag and is pleasantly surprised to discover that Matt's collected pretty much _all_ of the puzzle pieces. _Thank God!_ She sets straight to work. _I'm_ so _glad I picked Matt!_

"Whoa, this puzzle's huge!" she comments, dumping the pieces onto her podium.

"I think that's it," says Matt. "I'm just gonna double-check! Make sure you have everything!"

Colleen says "okay," takes a deep breath, and gets to building her Parthenon.

Alex knows that Nikita is doing her best, but she needs to get moving. "Come on, Nikita!" he screams into the maze.

No response from Nikita.

"Start with your edge pieces," Matt advises Colleen. "We got a good one."

"They got all their pieces already!" hollers Alex. He's building his Parthenon, but his Parthenon is looking more like a hut, and Colleen's Parthenon is kind of looking like a Parthenon. That is in _no_ way a good sign!

Nikita can only do so much! She's trying to save Alex's life, but he needs to put in some work too! It's not _all_ her!

The Minotaur appears, but Nikita's not scared of him anymore. "You wanna go?" she taunts him. "You wanna go?" She tosses her lantern into the bushes and ducks through his legs. "Go fetch!"

_Bitch,_ she thinks as she races back to Alex, _get out of my way! I don't care if I have to go around you, under, anywhere I gots to go, baby, I will motherfucking go!_

She turns a corner, and there's Alex. "You got it?" he asks.

"Okay." Nikita shoves the bag at him. "Here, here, here." If she hasn't found every piece by now, she'll swallow her katana.

When Colleen was voted into this challenge, she was afraid that she had no chance. But now...well, now, she's beating Alex, and she only has a couple pieces left to place in her structure. She's _so_ excited! Things are _finally_ looking up for her and Flynn!

Best of all, Matt's here to help her every step of the way. "Grab all your stair pieces and line them up in the front," he says.

"Okay, I..." Colleen does just that. "Okay, yeah, thank you."

"Yeah, of course," Matt replies.

_I've almost got me my Parthenon,_ Colleen chuckles to herself while lining up her stairs. _Talk about a wonder of the world!_

_Everything's going a lot better than it did last time,_ Matt thinks happily. _We're almost done!_ He's proud of himself for finding all of Colleen's pieces in one go. With his main job done, he can now devote his time to helping his friend complete her Parthenon.

A familiar roar startles the four YouTubers, and the Minotaur charges into the challenge.

"Omigod!" screams Colleen. "What do I do?"

Matt steps forward. "I can distract him!" He leads the Minotaur away from the others, waving his coat around like a muleta. "Toro, toro! Whoo!" _This would be_ way _more fun if I wasn't dealing with a giant mythological beast that wants to kill us all._

He sings an old Spanish bullfighting song in a strong, hearty voice as he lures the Minotaur deeper into the maze.

This is bad. _Really_ bad. Like, _panic attack_ bad. Nikita loves her some competition, but she'll be the first to admit that she's always been a bit of a sore loser (as Matt knows all too well), and that was _before_ she survived a death game in the 70s. Now, because of all the trauma she's carried over from Everlock, the sight of Alex's half-finished Parthenon in comparison to Colleen's almost-done Parthenon is enough to send her spiraling out of control.

_I'm gonna die here!_ screams her heart, even though her brain knows that she won't. Losing means death. That's what Everlock taught her. Those who lost the death games _always_ died.

Nikita Dragun's come too far and lost too much to die.

In a fit of terrified rage, she destroys Colleen's Parthenon, knocking it off its podium and into a heap of rubble on the ground. This is the first time in her life that she's _ever_ stooped to cheating, but she doesn't care. Colleen should know by now not to stand in her way.

Colleen sees crimson for perhaps the first time in her life. "What the _hell,_ Nikita! Seriously?" She scrambles to pick up her pieces, shaking with furious fear. "I _just_ died, and you're going to kill me again?"

"I am sorry!" Nikita shouts. "I _have_ to win!"

_Screw you!_ Colleen itches to scream back at her. _Screw you to Hell, Nikita Dragun! You're a nasty, petty, fake blonde bitch who thinks that you're_ so _much better than everyone else, but really, you're_ worse _than everyone else, cause everyone else doesn't cheat!_ "I was almost _done,_ Nikita! Are you _freakin'_ serious?"

"For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry," says Nikita.

"You're not _sorry!"_ Colleen scoffs. "This is not the first time you've tried to bring me down!" In her mind's eye, she can see Nikita's well-manicured fingernails pushing her into the deadly embrace of the Maiden of Madness. _She wants me dead._ The Duchess shivers. _She's never stopped wanting me dead._

What's worse is that Alex is _way_ ahead of Colleen at this point. Nikita's dirty move might've just sealed Colleen's fate.

The Minotaur's lumbering away, and Matt's running low on energy. He needs to go back to the group so that he can keep assisting Colleen with her Parthenon. They're _so_ close...

"Matt!" Colleen screams.

_Oh, no, she sounds upset! Did something happen? I thought we were ahead!_ "I distracted him as long as I could, Colleen!"

"I'm missing pieces!"

This takes Matt by surprise. "You _shouldn't_ be!"

He runs back to her, only to find that her Parthenon is in shambles. It's unclear if it was the stormy wind that knocked it over, or if Colleen or Nikita or Alex accidentally jostled it, or if it came down some other way, but there's no time to point fingers. If Matt and Colleen don't hurry up, they're going to lose this thing, and both Colleen and her baby will die. Matt can't let that happen.

"Oh, no, wait," mutters Alex. "Oh, no, these go on top." His Parthenon is looking more and more like a Parthenon with every new piece he adds to its design. Soon, he'll be done. He feels awful for Colleen, but it's okay, because he has a plan to save her from the wrath of the Minotaur.

_The medallion controls the beast. I just gotta put it together..._

"Those are the two top pieces," says Matt to Colleen.

Alex places the final piece on top of his Parthenon. "I won?" He throws up his hands in astonished victory. "I won!"

"What?" squeaks Colleen.

"Are you kidding me?" Matt cries out. "No!"

The last piece of the medallion appears, and Alex leaps to claim it.

Matt chases away his initial thought of _I lost, oh God, I let her down_ with a quick mental reminder that he's still a member of the Society Against Evil. He can take on the Minotaur. It'll be a hassle, and an incredibly dangerous one at that, but five minutes more of _toro, toro_ could very well save Colleen's life.

He moves to protect her...and that's when the magic keeping him in Purgatory dies.

"Matt!"

_Colleen..._

When the Detective regains awareness of his surroundings, he's back in the living world with Jael and Ryu. "Matt!" exclaims Ryu in an amazed sort of welcome, looking up from the Life Crystal to register the unlucky agent's return.

"What happened?" asks Jael.

Matt takes his devastated feelings out on the ground he's fallen on. "Dammit." He strikes a pile of brown winter leaves, then pulls himself into a sitting position so that he can properly place his head in his hands. _"Dammit!"_

Jael and Ryu exchange worried glances, but say nothing.

So this is the end of Matt's short-lived career as a guardian angel. He lost. Again. He failed Colleen. If she's not dead already, she'll almost certainly be dead within the next five minutes. She'll never have her baby, or marry Erik, or live the life she so eagerly discussed during their time together in the Greek exhibit. Instead, she's gone, this time forever, all because of him.

He takes some level of comfort in knowing that Rosanna's alive, that he himself didn't suffer a final death in Purgatory, and that Nikita's still down there to protect his remaining friends. It isn't much, but a little bit of light goes a long way.

As Matthew "MatPat" Patrick disappears in a flash of white specks, Colleen's last hope of staying alive disappears with him. "Matt!" she screams at the empty spot where he was just standing. "No! _No!"_

"Matt!" yells Nikita, as if she has any right to be worried.

_How could this happen?_ Colleen's eyes sting with tears as she beholds her ruined Parthenon. _I trusted Matt! I thought he was gonna save me! I thought he was gonna be my guardian angel!_ She tightens her grip on her podium, even as its stone scrapes her palms. _No, no, no, it wasn't his fault. It was Nikita!_ She's _the reason why I'm gonna die!_

If her second chance at a happy life was _always_ going to end like this—with her dying a horrible death at the hands of a Minotaur in his maze—then what the hell was the freakin' point of bringing her back in the first place? What was the point of escaping the glass, or learning about her pregnancy, or making up with Joey, or _anything_ she's said and done tonight? What was the point, if it was all for absolutely nothing?

And now...her son...

_I want Flynn to live!_ She's close to breaking down. _I want my baby to live! Don't let us die here,_ please _don't let us die! I don't wanna die!_

But since when has the universe cared about what she wants?

Alex frantically struggles to assemble the medallion. Nikita holds her lantern out in a defensive stance. The Minotaur emerges from one of the maze's black passageways, bellowing like a harbinger of doom.

"Omigod..." What little color is left in Colleen's face leaves it. "No!" She remembers the spikes in her flesh, and she screams murder. "No, please!"

The Minotaur grabs her by her shoulders and sets to work dismantling her. Her shoulder blades are first to go, followed by her arms and upper ribs, all while her voice wears itself out from the sheer volume of her tormented screams. Throughout her suffering, she sees glimpse after glimpse of the family that could've been hers—_Erik, Flynn, oh Flynn, if I'd known sooner_—like a last hurrah of dead dreams in the form of a sadistic highlight reel.

It's when the monster's brawny hands make their way to her neck that everything ends. She doesn't live long enough to touch the ground.

"Minotaur, _stop!"_ Alex shouts, holding the now-completed medallion aloft in a last-ditch effort to prevent another loss. "Kill the Gorgon and bring me her key!"

The Minotaur drops Colleen, turns to look at Alex, roars in acknowledgement, and lopes off.

"It's working," says Nikita. "Come on."

She's wrong. It _hasn't_ worked. Not in the way Alex wanted it to. Colleen Ballinger has gone the way of all the others. If Alex had just moved fast enough to fix the medallion, he could've saved her...but once again, he's let everybody down.

Nikita and Alex follow the Minotaur out of the maze, but not before Nikita spares one last sideways glance in the direction of Colleen's broken corpse. _Sorry, Colleen._ Her conscience briefly pricks with shame before she does her usual trick of pushing it into the depths of her heart. _I hope it didn't hurt as much that time._

She thinks of Matt. He's still alive. His magic tells her he's alive. Ten bucks says he's safe with Jael and Ryu. So that's cool. Now, if she can just find a way to send Bretman out of here to chill with them, then she'll _really_ be in business.

"He's gonna do it," murmurs Alex. "He's gonna do it."

Outside the maze, they find the Gorgon, whose eyes become angry slits at the sight of them. "Minotaur!" she snaps. "How _dare_ you—"

She never gets past the word "you" before the Minotaur makes an end of her.

After the Gorgon's death, Alex raises the medallion into the air again. "Minotaur!" He doesn't look like the same person as the smug Aviator prick who bothered Nikita earlier; in fact, in the afterlife's light, he looks almost like a badass. "Return to the maze and stay there."

The Minotaur growls and stomps off to the maze.

_Damn, bitch._ Nikita's impressed. She still doesn't like Alex at _all,_ of course, but she _guesses_ he's not the total asshole that she thought he was. "The key," she tells him, pointing at the key around the dead Gorgon's neck. "Grab the key. Grab the key. She has it."

Alex yanks the key off the Gorgon. "I got it."

"Go, go, go!" yells Nikita, and off they go.

_Gorgon: dead. Minotaur: dealt with. Key: secure. Alex: saved._ Nikita smirks. _I seem to be doing pretty well for my first mission as a Society Against Evil girl!_ Well, except for the part where she freaked out and knocked over Colleen's Parthenon, but hey, she's got a hell of a lot of regrets already. What's one more?

"You guys?"

Joey turns his head. He sees Nikita, and he sees Alex, but he doesn't see Matt or Colleen, which means...no. _No._ He won't accept it. The museum _can't_ have gone that far. It wouldn't dare. They are _not_ dead. They mean too much to him.

"MatPat is gone," Nikita explains, "and the magic that's holding him...I can feel it. I can feel it fading. Like, I don't know how much time _I_ have." She casts her eyes downward. "Colleen is dead again. She's not gonna be happy at me. And we have a key."

Alex holds up the fifth jeweled key. "Yes. We have the key."

So Matt's not dead. That much is clear. But Colleen..._please, no, Colleen_...

Tears squeeze their way out of Joey's closed eyes. "Omigod." He lowers his head in defeat as thoughts of Colleen Ballinger rumble like steamrollers across his soul. "I told her I was gonna get her out of here..." _Colleen, I'm sorry. I should've saved you. I thought that I could save you. I didn't mean to let you down again._

He's hopeless. He failed Justine _and_ Colleen. His rescue mission is an absolute bust. Everything and everyone he's ever protected is gone. Soon, all the people in this room will go the same way they went, and all his best intentions will be revealed as desperate lies that he told himself in order to stay sane.

_Colleen hated lies._

There's a fire that's starting to blaze inside of Rosanna's core, igniting from the sparks of her despair. "Matt's gone." She knows that he's safe, because Nikita said so, and Nikita wouldn't lie about something like this, but it still hurts that they can't support each other throughout the rest of the night.

_Will I ever see him again?_

She _hates_ these monsters.

"Wait, so, if there's four keys left after this one," whimpers Joey, "and there's five of us...Nikita, we don't know how much longer _you_ have...that's still...like...that means none of us..." He chokes down a sob. "None of us are gonna get out of here alive!"

_No._ Rosanna balls her small hands into fists. _I don't believe that. I_ won't _believe that. Someday will come for at_ least _some of us._

_That's it, then? It's really true? We're all gonna die here?_ Bretman feels like there's a bottle of jumbled chemicals fizzing within him, bubbling towards a stress-induced explosion. _Nikita, honey, what the hell? I thought you were gonna rescue me, but all you did was set me up to die!_

"Bretman..." Nikita's expression droops towards her polished chin. "I'm _so_ sorry."

He throws some _major_ side-eye her way. "Bitch, you got me stuck here!"

"And I'm gonna get you out," she promises.

Bretman hides his anxiety behind a sullen voice. "You _better."_ He _does_ still love Nikita; it's just that he's pissed about all the damn death shit, and she's the one to blame. She should've left him out of this. If only she'd known better...

Then again, maybe _he's_ the one who should've known better.

"You guys, we gotta make moves," says Alex. "Here we go." He uses the fifth jeweled key on the vault's fifth lock.

In the back of the room, a chest opens up. "You guys, it opened," points out Nikita.

"Okay," Rosanna mumbles.

Bretman grumpily follows his friends to the box, still stewing in his complicated feels. "At least this chest warned me."

Joey breathes the word "whoa" and takes out two things: a note _(duh)_, and a genie's lamp. It looks like the kind of shit that Bretman saw in _Aladdin_ when he was a kid. The tag on it contains four words.

_Wishes are not free._

"I wish a bitch _would,"_ sighs Bretman bitterly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Colleen. I love you.  
Bye, Matt. Wish you could've stayed longer, but thank God you're not dead!  
Next chapter: The group moves on to Ancient Arabia, where they meet a genie who needs their help. Also, Bretman is afraid of the vagina exhibit.


	36. Arabian Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group's off to a land, to a faraway place, where the caravan camels roam, where you wander—yeah, yeah, you get the picture. Point is, they're going to Ancient Arabia, and there's a genie who they must set free.

A moment passes, and Bretman decides that he's sick of feeling sorry for himself. "You guys," he says, "I think we're running out of time. We have to do the next one."

"We've just lost so many good people," sniffles Rosanna.

"Once we start this, guys," Joey reminds the group, "there's no going back."

Nikita shakes her head. "Never."

_Never till the day we die, bitch,_ adds Bretman silently.

"Are we ready?" Joey asks.

"Yeah," affirms Nikita. "Absolutely."

Bretman nods. "Together." He's not one hundred percent sure which bitches are worth trusting, but screw it. They're all in this together. _High School Musical_ had the right idea (even though Troy and Gabriella were never forced to fight for their goddamn lives).

Joey unfolds the note that came with the lamp. "Please be something good..."

_Secrets lay inside the lamp. Sing the song of Arabia to find the way._

"What's the lyrics?" asks Bretman. They can't sing the song of Arabia if they don't know the lyrics. Obviously.

"Sing the song of Arabia to find the way..." murmurs Joey.

Alex makes a bewildered face. "Song of Arabia?"

"I mean, it's a lamp," says Nikita. "Don't we rub it?"

"Probably rub it _and_ sing it," hypothesizes Joey.

Bretman thinks that Nikita's on the right track. "She said inside..." He brushes his fingers against the top of the lamp. _If the secrets lay_ inside _the lamp, wouldn't it make sense for us to rub them out?_

"But how do we sing it if we don't know it?" asks Alex.

"I don't know," Joey responds. "Look for the song."

Rosanna blinks. "The song..."

"Guys!" interjects Bretman. "I think we have to rub the lamp!" _We rub the lamp, and then we'll find the song! Don't you all get it?_

"No, we have to sing the song!" urges Joey.

_I guess you_ don't _get it._ "We need to rub the lamp. It's inside the lamp."

"Do it!" Alex exclaims.

Bretman says "all right" and rubs the lamp. Seconds later, notes start playing, causing everyone not named Bretman to jump and scream. _Poof, pizazz, yahoo, and how!_ crows Bretman internally, proud of being right.

_Welp, looks like Bretman was right,_ thinks Joey with a casual shrug. _The song really was in the lamp all along._ Maybe he should listen to his friends more often. They deserve to be appreciated while they're still here.

"Omigod!" screams Nikita. "What is that? What is that?"

Alex shushes her. "It's a piano. It's a piano."

The piano plays a haunting tune. It reminds Joey of Colleen, but then again, _everything_ sad reminds him of her at the moment. He has to focus. She'd _want_ him to focus. But why are there no lyrics? "Do we have to play that song back, or...?" How can they sing a song that has no words?

"Why don't we just, like, hum it together?" suggests Nikita.

Bretman seems on board with her train of thought. "Let's rub the lamp again, guys."

"Yeah!" chirps Rosanna.

"Yeah!" agrees Joey. "Nikita's right!" It's worth a shot. It might even do something.

Bretman rubs the lamp again, and as the music plays, everyone awkwardly hums along with it. This works. A drawer pops open, revealing a note. Everybody screams again.

"Omigod, omigod, omigod," stammers Nikita. "Omigod, jinkies, you guys!"

Alex reads the note.

_The genie of the lamp has one of the jeweled keys, but getting it will require more trickery than all of Ali Baba's thieves. Place the lamp on the symbol of the djinn on the second floor to learn more._

_A genie?!?_ Joey's jaw hits the floor. _Oh, bitch,_ yes!

"We gotta go..." Alex points at the ceiling. "We haven't been up _there_ yet." They've been here all night, and they're only _just_ now going to the second floor. Who _knows_ what secrets lurk up there?

Rosanna oohs.

Bretman picks up the lamp. "Second floor!"

"We got this!" says Joey.

As the five YouTubers walk up the stairs, Alex mentally goes over their new set of tasks. They must find the symbol of the djinn on the second floor and place the lamp upon it. Then, they'll probably get the chance to meet a real life genie, which is cool.

They reach the second floor. "I think it's this way," whispers Nikita.

"Yes," says Rosanna with a nod.

Alex glances at each door they pass. "It could be in any of these rooms, guys." _We have to keep an eye out for the symbol._

It's Bretman who eventually finds what they're looking for on a small stand that sits on top of a dresser. "This is the same symbol from downstairs!"

"Place it," says Joey.

Bretman does. The dresser gives way to reveal a passageway of fine silk, bathed in warm red light. It's the most beautiful secret passageway that Alex has ever seen.

Secret passageways are amazing things that lead to excitement and wonder. That's the impression Rosanna always got from them, anyway. And this one is so pretty! She can't _wait_ to figure out where it leads!

Joey is the first to crawl into the passageway. "No _way!"_ he gasps.

"What do you see?" Rosanna genuinely wants to know, her heart quivering with elation.

"Omigod, you guys!" Joey pokes his head out to look at the others, a smile on his face. "This is so cool!"

"Is there cute guys?" asks Bretman.

Alex waves them forward. "Come on!"

Nikita is next inside the passageway. Bretman, after chuckling "censor" and gallantly covering up her retreating butt, follows her. Then, it's Rosanna's turn. _Yes!_ she cheers to herself. _It's like my size! It looks like a little hobbit house!_ "Alex, it's a tunnel!"

"Shh!" hiss Joey and Nikita from up ahead.

Rosanna pretends that she's a bunny rabbit burrowing into her new silk underground house. She even wiggles her nose like a rabbit. It's a fun game, and it's good to help her take her mind off all the horrible things that she's been through.

_Concentrate, bitch._ Nikita's laser-like glare zeroes in on the red lights all around her. _Magic's low, no sign of Manny, I've got a shit-ton of blood on my hands, but I'm still a goddamn guardian angel, so I gotta keep my friends safe._

"Omigod, it's my greatest fear!" quips Bretman quietly to Nikita. "The vagina exhibit!"

Nikita chuckles. "Better watch out, babe." Thank God that she and Bretman can still joke around like this. However bitter he might be, at least he hasn't grown to hate her yet.

"Do you hear something?" asks Alex.

At the end of the passageway, the group finds a genie with blue skin and blue clothes, standing with his back to them. His hands and feet are chained. A blue-and-yellow turban sits on top of his head.

Nikita approaches him cautiously. "Sir?"

The genie slowly turns around to face the YouTubers. "Do you come to torment me in my _chains?"_ His otherwise low voice spikes into a scream at the end of his sentence as he pulls against his heavy shackles.

"No," Nikita backs away. "No, no, no, we don't." _Look, you're not the only one who's stuck down here, okay?_

"I just _got_ here," mutters Bretman.

"No, we're here to help!" insists Rosanna. "We're looking for a key!"

The sixth jeweled key just so happens to dangle around the genie's neck. The hard part, of course, is going to be finessing it away from him; Nikita can tell that he's for _sure_ not giving it away unless they give him something in return. Luckily, it's pretty obvious what he wants. They've got to set him free.

This is a _real_ genie. Locked up. Blue and everything. _Are we in this genie's lamp?_ Alex wants to know.

"It is not enough that Scheherazade has enslaved me," the genie grumbles, "but now you want my most prized possession?"

"What if we can trade something?" offers Alex, thinking quickly.

The genie squints suspiciously at him. "What will you trade?"

"Your freedom!" shouts Nikita.

"We can't promise him that!" Joey snaps at her.

But Alex is of the opinion that they _can_ make such a promise. The genie doesn't deserve to be trapped here any more than the YouTubers do. If they're got to take his key in order to win _their_ freedom, it's only fair that they should give him his.

"So be it!" the genie agrees. "Free me from these chains!"

"How can we free you?" ask Nikita and Bretman together.

The genie's dark eyes twinkle. "You must find the Hammer of Suleman in the Arabian exhibit. It is the only thing that will break my bonds. And I will give you the key _and_ a wish for your sorrows to come."

A rush of excitement races through Alex. "We can get out of here with the wish!" _If this works out, we won't even_ need _the jeweled keys anymore! We'll just wish ourselves back home, and then..._ His smile twitches. _Then we'll be okay. Maybe not happy, but at_ least _okay._

"For you to return, you must shatter the Ebony Horse," the genie explains. "Find the Hammer!"

"Okay," says Nikita.

"The hammer," mumbles Bretman.

_It sure would be nice to catch a break,_ thinks Alex wistfully.

The genie makes a grand gesture towards the way outside. "Arabia will not wait forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Welcome to a story like no other. Also, Flirty Alex, Straight Bretman, and Totally Not Jealous Nikita.


	37. That's Not How the Story Goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arabia awaits! The gang finds beauty, entertainment, love, and a side of danger...

"We'll be back!" Rosanna promises the genie on her way out. She feels _so_ sorry for him, and she'd be _more_ than happy to help him break free of his chains. That's why she came to Everlock in the first place. To _help_ people. To leave her new environment a little bit better than she found it.

Alex concurs. "Don't go anywhere."

And so, they enter the Arabian exhibit.

"Whoa."

"What is this?"

"Omigod..."

Rosanna blinks rapidly in amazement as a horde of beautiful colors, sights, and sounds overcome her senses. "Where _are_ we?" There are lovely tents of pink and blue, bustling stalls of chattering people buying and selling Arabian goods, mystical smoke in the sweet-smelling air, and ladies in cute outfits doing a fascinating dance routine. It's as if Rosanna and her friends just stepped into a wonderful storybook.

"Hold on, wait." Alex noticeably perks up at the sight of the dancers. "Whoa. Let me handle this, guys. I'll talk to them."

The dancers surround the YouTubers, waving their fabrics in sweeping circular motions. "Ladies!" Rosanna greets them as she imitates their dance. "Have you seen a hammer anywhere?" _Hopefully, these are_ friendly _dancers, cause the_ last _time I tried to ask some ladies for a favor..._ She drops her cheerful Socialite smile long enough to wince at the memory. _It didn't go so well._

Alex is slightly hypnotized. He can't help it. Something about the way these girls move is too mesmerizing for him to ignore. And they're so _pretty,_ too, with their tan skin and dark hair and slender figures and colorful silk clothes, not to mention the way their doe-brown eyes peek out from the top of the masks that cover the rest of their faces. They're like enchanting mysteries, and he just wants to keep watching them dance.

"I feel like they're distracting us," murmurs Joey. "They're so pretty!"

"I like it, I like it," says Rosanna.

_Me too._ After what happened to Lauren, Alex's hurting heart sort of shoved the possibility of meeting someone else in a box marked _forget it._ But at this point, the chances of ever seeing Lauren again are growing slimmer and slimmer by the second, and Alex understands (as he said to Rosanna and Bretman) that moving on is probably the healthiest thing to do. So he might as well start now. "Hi," he says. "I'm Alex."

"You're not _that_ cute!" scoffs Nikita next to him.

Alex barely hears her.

One of the dancers gestures the group forward. "Wait, she's telling us to follow her!" Nikita points out.

"Should we trust her?" asks Bretman.

Alex already trusts her. "Just listen to the pretty girls!" _What can go wrong?_

Nikita's eyes are flashing with indignation. "Well, you never listen to me ever!"

_What's up with her?_ wonders the part of Alex that isn't blissfully preoccupied by the dancers. _I thought we were kinda starting to_ not _hate each other after she saved my life, but now she's all snippy again._ He chalks it up to stress.

So _these_ bitches are the ones getting all the attention? _Really?_ Come _on!_ They're not _that_ hot, their outfits look tacky, and they're obviously setting some kind of trap to try and kill everyone. Is Nikita the only one with a _brain_ around here?

She's fuming as they follow the dancers to a nearby stage, and Alex's stupidity is _not_ helping matters. "I think I'm in love," he croons, watching the dancers perform onstage. "Are they putting a spell on us? They're choreographed now!"

"Omigosh!" gushes Rosanna. "They're _so_ good!"

Nikita's still not seeing the appeal. "I mean, they're _cute,_ but..." _Alex's vision does_ not _serve him correctly. If he knew anything about a bad bitch, he'd know that I'm right here!_ Of course, it's not like she _cares_ about what Alex thinks of bad bitches. If he wants to go get himself killed, he can be her damn guest.

Speaking of Alex, he's _still_ off trying to be a flirt. "Omigosh, what is this! Wait, I got a genie, if you were wondering, and he does stuff...got magic stuff...he's chained up right now, but we're working on it..."

_He's making a fool of himself. Whatever. I couldn't give less of a crap._

Fortunately for Nikita's blood pressure, the dancers' performance comes to an end. They are replaced with an angry man dragging a chained woman out onto the stage by her arm.

"This is not cool!" protests Rosanna. "Uh-oh! This is not cool!"

"No..." Alex gasps.

_What the hell?_ thinks Nikita. _What did we just walk into?_

The man shoves the woman away from him. "The Czar will have you executed for your betrayal!" he bellows. "Witch!"

"I will _gladly_ cut out his eyes for what he's done to my family!" the woman spits, kicking her captor in the balls.

He grabs her and holds his sword to her throat. "I wouldn't speak such words if I were you!"

All of a sudden, a stocky young man with dark scruff and white clothes arrives onstage. He sneaks up behind the woman's assailant and knocks him out with the back of his sword, freeing the woman. Then, he smiles, turns to the audience, and bows.

"Oh," says Joey. "It's a play."

It's been a while since Nikita's been to the theater, so she hopes this play is a good one.

Oh, thank God! It's just a play! Joey was _really_ worried there for a second! Usually, when there's danger in his vicinity, it's _real_ danger, so this is a nice change of pace for him.

He settles in to watch the rest of the play, trying not to think about how much Colleen loved theater.

"My love!" the woman onstage cries, twirling her handsome savior into her arms. "I thought you were dead!"

"I don't trust him," says Alex.

The hero kneels before his lover and kisses her hands. "Not even the ghouls of the night could stop me."

_Aw,_ thinks Joey, _that's so cute!_ He _adores_ a good story, and this one—the tale of a couple who fights against all odds to make it back to each other's arms—is hitting rather close to home. It's almost like he can see himself and Daniel in the depths of these characters.

But then, the guy who the hero knocked out earlier awakens, springs to his feet, and screams "With love only comes loss!" before fake-stabbing the hero dead. The woman wails in dramatic grief as her love falls.

Joey doesn't like this play anymore.

"I've moved your execution forward, witch!" the murderer shouts at the heartbroken woman.

She screams "No!" and tries to defend herself from his raised sword.

The actors freeze in place, and another woman takes the stage. She has thick black hair, deep-set eyes, a crafty expression on her olive-skinned face, and a ruby-red Arabian outfit adorned with golden accessories. A feathered quill sits in the grips of her right hand. "Welcome to Arabia!" she addresses the audience. "I am her storyteller, Scheherazade, and I wonder what yours will be? A comedy? A farce? Or a tragedy?"

Alex giggles "ya" at the mentions of comedy and farce, but frowns as soon as tragedy is proposed.

_Our story right now is probably a tragedy,_ Joey reflects. _Most of us have died once, and some of us have died twice, including both the best friends I thought I could save._ He thinks of Justine and Colleen. _With love only comes loss._

"What brings you to our mystical land?" queries Scheherazade.

As everyone yells out answers akin to "Suleman's hammer," something clicks inside Joey's mind. _Hold on._ He presses his hand against his mouth. _This is Scheherazade, the one who locked the genie up in the lamp. She's our enemy right now._

"We're looking for the Hammer of Suleman," says Bretman, although his voice is lost in the chorus of everybody else saying the same damn thing. The play was cool and all, but honestly, he wants to get this hammer shit over and done with so that they can free the genie and get the key.

"Of course." Scheherazade's tone is _hella_ annoying; she sounds like the world's chirpiest sadist. "Suleman's mighty hammer. That is _quite_ the request. But first, one of you must come to the stage. I have the perfect role for..." She points at Bretman with her quill. "You!"

Bretman gasps. "Omigod." _Guess I'm an actor now. Step aside, bitches! It's time for my grand debut!_

"You got this, Bretman!" Nikita shouts. "Break a leg!"

When Bretman hits the stage, he is met by Scheherazade, who's all too eager to set the dramatic scene. "This is a scene of betrayal," she explains, using sensational hand gestures to emphasize her point. "You are in love with Morgiana and have stolen away with her by moonlight, despite the Czar's warnings."

Nikita scowls. "I do _not_ like her."

_Same, sis._

"Begin!" orders Scheherazade.

The same actress from before runs to Bretman and throws her arms around his waist. "I think we are finally safe!" she fake-sobs, cupping his cheek with her hand. "Where do you plan to take me?"

"Wait, we saw what just happened!" screams Alex. "The last time somebody loved her, it was bad!"

Bretman shakes his head and steps away from the actress's touch. "You got the wrong one, sis." he lets her know. "I don't play for this team." _In case it wasn't obvious from the everything about me._

"You have to play _along!"_ Joey hisses from the audience.

The actress pulls Bretman closer. “Maybe I can change your mind!"

_Yeah, no, it don't work like that,_ thinks Bretman. _Go ask Alex instead. He'll crawl up your ass for free._ But all his friends are glaring at him, so apparently, he's doing something wrong. Maybe he isn't cut out for the acting business.

"You _love_ her!" rasps Rosanna out of the corner of her mouth.

"You're _acting!"_ yells Joey, not even trying to be subtle in his annoyance. "Remember, you're an _actor!"_

_You know what? Fine. I'll be straight for a bit. But only because I gotta._ "Oh, yes, I'm so in love with you." He attempts to put emotion into it, but it still sounds like he's reading the line directly off the script.

Nikita winces.

As Bretman mentally collects his talent in order to make a better attempt at his weird role, the actress holds his hands in hers. "Where do you plan to take me?"

"Anywhere, mama," promises Bretman passionately, kissing her hands just like the other guy did.

"Ooh!" she chuckles. "Papi!"

The audience, including the YouTubers, respond to Bretman's performance with thunderous applause. Rosanna victoriously pumps her fist, Nikita shrieks in delighted shock, Alex grins, and Joey claps louder than anyone. "That's some good acting!" the Savant cheers. "I'm impressed!"

_Hell yeah!_ Bretman's skin glows with pride. _And the Oscar goes to me!_

This is going better than Nikita thought it would. At first, she was fifty percent sure that they were all about to die _(Bretman playing straight? Kill me now!)_, but he's holding his own onstage pretty damn well for a first-timer. Props to him! With skills like that, no _wonder_ he made it this far.

And yet, as proud as Nikita is of her best friend, she's still antsy about what this play is planning for his fate. Being the Troublemaker, she can smell danger and trouble from a mile away, and that Scheherhoweveryousayit? Not good juju. No, ma’am. Nikita won't rest until Bretman's done with his little dramatic turn, off the stage, and out of the line of storyteller fire.

The son of a bitch who killed the previous hero shows back up, and Bretman's fake girlfriend gasps. "The Czar's assassin has found us!" she cries, grabbing Bretman's arm. "Save me!"

_Oh,_ hell _no._ Nikita's knuckles twitch. _I saw what happened to that other guy. Don't you dare, Arabia._ She chokes back a lump of fear. _Don't you dare!_

"And then," screeches Scheherazade, "the surprise twist!"

Nikita's _oh-shit-this-ain't-good_ senses are tingling. "What twist?" she wonders. "What?"

Bretman's fake girlfriend rips off her little mask, uncovering a demonic, decrepit face with blackened teeth, furious eyes, and absolutely no trace of whatever beauty was supposed to have been there. "It's time to _feast!"_

Bretman screams.

_No,_ pleads Nikita's inner panic. _Not again._

The rest of the dancers tear off their masks as well, and their faces are the same as that of the actress. They leap off the stage to attack the audience. Nikita, remembering that she's a guardian angel, steals one last look at Bretman _(he's okay, they're just capturing him, I'll come back and save him after I get the others out of here)_ and leads the rest of the group away from the threat.

"Nikita!" screams Joey. "Nikita! Come on!"

"Girl, what ass you been eating?!?" Bretman yelps as he's dragged off.

The four other YouTubers barely make it a foot away from the stage before Scheherazade's minions grab first Alex, then Rosanna. Nikita sticks close to Joey, trying to keep at _least_ him safe, but they're blocked from making their escape by the other ugly dancers, whose sheer numbers overwhelm the pair. Not even the skills Nikita picked up during her Society Against Evil training are enough to overcome _that_ many opponents, and so, she and Joey are captured too.

Soon, the whole group's tied up to a pole in the middle of one of the tents. And Nikita's tied up next to _Alex_ of all people.

Here they all are again. Captured. In peril. At the mercy of a group of monsters. It's another reoccurring pattern in Joey's chaotic life, but he can't help but worry that this might be the time they can't get away.

"Help!" screams Alex. _"Help!"_

Scheherazade barges into the tent with a triumphant yell. "The Collector will be _so_ grateful that I saved her latest exhibit from getting away!" she crows, strutting around the pole and waving her quill pen every which way. She stops in front of Joey and brushes the quill against his cheek. "But you...you don't belong in a museum. What's _your_ story, pretty boy?"

_My story?_ Joey suppresses a snort. _Bitch, it's a long one. You got a minute?_ "Listen, you probably have something that we want. We could just make an easy trade!"

"So you could _leave?"_ snaps Scheherazade.

"Yeah," Joey replies, "so we could leave."

"I think your story has a new surprise ending!" the demented storyteller proclaims. "We kill you all and ask for the Collector's forgiveness!"

_No, no, no..._

Nikita violently shakes her head. "I like happy endings only!"

"Whaddya think, huh?" taunts Scheherazade.

But her twisted tale is interrupted by the stocky young man in white from the play. He bursts in, knocks out the entrance guard, and uses his sword to drive Scheherazade and her dancers out of the tent. One dancer stays and tries to put up a fight, but she is swiftly dispatched by a slim brown-haired woman in a purple skirt (who's apparently in cahoots with the man in white).

"Yeah!" cheers Joey. "Get them!" He doesn't know who these people are, but he couldn't be more thankful that they're here.

The man in white wastes no time in freeing the YouTubers from the pole.

Joey's head is swimming with relieved confusion. "Wait," he asks their rescuer, "who the heck are you?"

"Okay, come on, come on, come on!" shouts the man in white, waving everyone out of the tent. "Let's go! Come on! In there!"

"He just rescued us!" exclaims Alex.

The group hustles into a bright orange tent, and once they've all got their bearings, Joey decides to make some sense of things. "What is going on? Okay..." He points a finger at the man in white. "You! Who are you?"

He's expecting that the man in white will introduce himself, or explain the situation, or something like that. But surprisingly, the man in white doesn't even acknowledge that he was asked a question by the group that he just saved. He only has eyes for the beautiful woman in the purple skirt. The two of them share an ardent kiss, seemingly unbothered by the fact that their display of affection is so brazenly public.

Joey's taken aback. "What the heck?" _What the hell is going on in Arabia? I can't keep up!_

As jarring as it is to witness these strangers making out, Rosanna actually finds it sweet. It's nice to know that even in a grim, depressing afterlife such as this, where friends are dying and disappearing left, right, and center, there's still a little love to light the darkness. Love, after all, is what keeps the group moving forward.

"Let me guess," laughs Nikita, pointing at the couple. "Forbidden love!"

The man turns his head to address the group without letting go of his lover. "I'm Sinbad. This is Fatima." He indulges in a shared smile with her before continuing. "Scheherazade has ruined my story and taken my true love from me." A hint of sadness darkens his eyes as he kisses Fatima's gold-adorned hands.

Rosanna nods, feeling terribly sorry for the two of them. "Okay." _I think we can trust Sinbad and Fatima. They saved us, and we have a common enemy in Scheherazade._

"We also are against Scheherazade," says Joey.

"Maybe," suggests Alex, "we can make your story right!"

_Oh, yes!_ Rosanna claps her hands in excitement. _This is great! Now we're helping_ three _people instead of just one!_

Joey's all business. "We're looking for the Hammer of Suleman and the Ebony Horse."

"The Ebony Horse is with her brother in his kebab tent!" responds Sinbad enthusiastically.

At this, Joey looks towards the door. "Let's go get it!"

"Ah!" Sinbad raises a hand to stop him. "Scheherazade has used the Ring of Ma'Ruf to bury the hammer. Only the spirits can help you."

_Only the spirits?_ Well, this being Purgatory, there are no doubt _lots_ of spirits around, so Rosanna doesn't think that they'll have much trouble in _that_ department.

"Where do we find the spirits?" asks Joey.

In response, Fatima whips the tablecloth off a small table at the center of the tent, revealing a crystal ball. Gasps and cries of "oh my goodness" abound from the group. Outside, the growls of angry dancers can be heard patrolling the area.

"Ooh!" whistles Rosanna. "The future!" _I wonder what it holds for us?_

Fatima's voice is huskily serious. "We don't have much time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Individual group work within the mysterious Arabian allure. Also, two cracked friendships work to mend fences, and a minor tragedy unfolds.


	38. Baskets, Spice, and Frying Pans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's another installment of "the group splits up in order to get multiple things done at once." But could personal quarrels threaten to slow the survivors' progress down?

The Ebony Horse is in the kebab tent, and the Hammer of Suleman is somewhere else. It's no hard task for Alex to put two and two together and realize what it is they have to do. _It's split-up time again, isn't it?_

"You have to split up, okay?" whispers Fatima, confirming Alex's suspicions.

Joey nods. "Okay."

"I need one of you to come with me and distract the thieves," says Sinbad.

Alex tilts his head. "Wait, you talking about the girls?" He lost interest in romancing the pretty dancers the _second_ he found out that they're actually murderous monsters who want to kill them all, but for some reason, he's still morbidly fascinated in their existence. Maybe he's a masochist. It would explain a lot.

"Oh, yeah," Sinbad chuckles.

Alex doesn't hesitate. "I'll take this bullet, guys."

"Definitely sounds like a job for Alex," Joey concurs, patting Alex on the back. "You got this, Alex."

It's like Alex is back in the Victorian era, sending himself into certain danger due to his post-Lauren absence of concern over his own life. He wonders if he's backsliding. "I'm doing this for you guys!" A brave grin envelops his colorless face. "Let's go, Sinbad!"

"Ro," says Joey, pulling the little Socialite aside, "let's stay here. Let's focus on this."

Rosanna perks up on the spot. "Joey, we got this!"

"And I'll take Bretman to the kebab tent," announces Nikita.

So they split up. Nikita and Bretman leave for the kebab tent, Joey and Rosanna start their chat with the spirits, and Alex sets out to distract the scary belly dancers. Joey's shout of "Good luck, Alex!" is the last thing the Aviator hears before he and Sinbad run outside.

They are, of course, immediately accosted by the dancers. "Oh!" screams Alex, silently adding a sprinkle of profanity to the end of his sentence. "Which way?" 

"Follow me!" yells Sinbad. "Follow me!"

"Good luck, you guys!" Joey hollers after his friends.

"You can do it!" adds Rosanna.

There's a note next to the crystal ball on the table. "All right, listen," says Joey, huddling over it alongside Rosanna. "We have to be quick, okay?" He's mostly avoided talking to Rosanna since she voted him into the Black Knight's challenge, but now that Colleen's gone, he has no one else to trust. If he can't fix the rift between them, he'll be just as dead as his other friends.

_Ma'Ruf was murdered by Scheherazade and his tale erased. The world needs to know where and how he was killed so his story can remain. Ask the crystal a yes or no question, and it will answer. Two knocks for yes, and one for no. After five questions, one of you must agree to have your name placed in the voting pile to continue. There are objects in the tent that may relate to his story. When you have answered both questions correctly, the ring will be revealed. How was Ma'Ruf killed? Where was Ma'Ruf killed?_

The dancers hiss at Alex and Sinbad as the two men make their way through Arabia. "Hoo-hoo!" sings Sinbad, twirling through the dust with a carefree smile on his face. "Hey! Too slow?"

Alex can't help but laugh. As scary as this is, he feels like it might also be a bonding experience for him and Sinbad. Plus, he just saw Nikita and Bretman disappear safely into the kebab tent, so this distraction is working like a charm. Thank God for that.

"Make your best bird call," Sinbad advises.

So Alex attempts to imitate a bird ("Coo-coo-caw!"), only to get chased away by two particularly ferocious ladies. "Just like real life," he jokes sarcastically.

Rosanna has never done a seance. She's new to this whole talking-to-spirits thing. To say that she's nervous is _massively_ understating the situation. But if there's one thing she's looking forward to about this crazy task, it's the chance for her to help Joey again. Maybe now, in the aftermath of their awful, terrible fight, she can make up for what she did to him.

"What do we do first?" she wonders. "What about here? There's..." She pulls a rug off a big red box to reveal a large knife sitting on top of it. "There's a knife!"

Joey picks up the knife and takes it to the crystal ball. "Was Ma'Ruf killed by a knife?" he interrogates the spirits.

A knock is heard.

"That was one," says Joey. "Two knocks for yes...aw, so no!" He shrieks at the knife in his hand.

"Okay." Rosanna bites her lip. "Look for another clue. Another clue." She'll say this for the spirits; their communication style is _very_ creative. "What do we got? What do we got?"

Inside the kebab tent, Bretman and Nikita find a covered platter, a pitcher of milk, two cups, and a ridiculously long note waiting for them.

_Scheherazade's brother prided himself on making the hottest curries in Arabia and promised a reward for anyone who could handle the heat. Choose a person to eat a falafel. Then, the next person eats the following one. Watch out: each bowl will get even hotter! If you need to vomit, please step outside. For each bowl you can't eat, your name is placed in the voting pile._

Spice, huh? That's a total walk in the _park_ for someone like Bretman. And even if it isn't, he'll trek on anyway.

"Wait, I don't like spicy food at _all!"_ complains Nikita.

"Well, bitch," Bretman shoots back, "I _do,_ so let's do it." If he and Nikita have anything in common, it's the fact that they are not quitters. _We stay swallowing, and we keep that shit down!_

He removes the lid from the platter. There, arranged neatly in a circle on the dish, are ten spicy falafels.

Nikita gasps. "Oh...look." She traces her acrylic fingernail around the circle. "The level of intensity gets hotter and hotter."

"And hotter and hotter," echoes Bretman, preparing himself for the spice to come.

"Let me do all of the not-as-hot ones," Nikita requests.

"So you do the five," says Bretman, "and I'll do this half." He's confident enough in his spice-eating skills to let Nikita do the easier ones. Anything for friendship, as they say, and despite everything that's gone down, Nikita Dragun is still his ride-or-die.

She nods. "Okay."

They each take a falafel, clink them together, wish each other "cheers," and begin.

"Was he killed with a frying pan?" Rosanna asks the crystal ball, holding up a frying pan that she found in the tent.

One knock.

"No."

"No," sighs Joey. He can already tell that it's going to take a while for them to get it right. "Okay, um..."

Rosanna frowns. "Okay, that's a no."

"Was Ma'Ruf killed by a sword?" is Joey's next question.

One knock.

"No," says Rosanna.

_That's three questions,_ thinks Joey. _Two more, and one of us goes in the pile._ "No. God." He looks around the tent. "Okay, there's a rope..."

"Hung!" Rosanna exclaims, pointing to the rope. "Maybe he was hung."

Joey's about to go with that, but then he finds something else. "Oh, wait, what's this?" He picks it up. "Is this a dagger?"

"Which one?" questions Rosanna. "Which one?"

_I'll go with Ro's idea first._ "Was Ma'Ruf killed with rope? Was he hung?"

Two knocks.

"He was hung! Yes! Okay!" Joey jumps up and down in jubilant relief.

"We got one!" rejoices Rosanna, waving the rope around. "We got one!"

Joey presses his hands against his head. "Wait, how many...how many was that?" he asks. "Was that our fourth one?"

Rosanna nods. "That was our fourth one, and now we need to know where."

"Omigod. Okay." _Please let's get through this without screwing up._

Alex runs around in circles, yelling all the way. "I'm trapped!" The wind blows through his jet-black hair as he jumps over a barrel. "Oh, I'm trapped! Oh, no!"

"What a gazelle!" shouts Sinbad from behind him.

_How much longer do we have to run?_

"Remember that one time we were stuck at that one party, and we kinda had to do a similar situation like this?" Nikita reminisces between bites of spicy falafel and sips of milk. "Like, balls...mouths...swallowing..." _Honestly, I think I preferred that to this._

"Hiding?" adds Bretman.

Nikita chortles at the memory. It's the last chortle she can give before the spice of the falafel sets the roof of her mouth on fire.

Rosanna combs the tent for possible places. "What about here?" _We've got the how. We just need the what, and we'll be good._

"Wait!" Joey picks a skull up off the ground. "A skull!"

_A skull? Like, a_ human _skull?!?_

"That's not a where," says Joey dismissively, tossing the skull over his shoulder.

"No, where..." Rosanna thinks for a moment before it comes to her. "A graveyard! Was he hung at a graveyard?" She does a little more investigating and finds a giant wooden stick, the kind that's used to practice fighting. "What's this?" she speculates, picking it up. "He was killed at fight training!" As she speaks, she swings the stick around and accidentally hits the tent's wall. "Oh! Sorry, Joey!"

A startled Joey jumps to his feet. "Omigod, she wants to kill _me_ now!"

"Omigosh!" Rosanna laughs and winces at the same time.

"Third one." Bretman, dazed from the spice but still unwilling to give up, clinks his third falafel against Nikita's.

Nikita says "cheers," and they feed each other.

Apparently, Bretman has a higher spice tolerance than Nikita. The falafel sears his half-numb mouth, but Nikita doubles over in pain, crying "oh-ho-ho" and screaming wordlessly through her closed lips. "So much hotter!"

"Shut the fuck up and eat!" shouts Bretman. Ride-or-die though she might be, Nikita's hysterics are starting to get on his damn nerves.

"I'm _eating!"_ Nikita cries, spitting up her falafel.

"Do _not_ spit now, bitch," Bretman snaps. "You have never spit a day in your life!"

"I'm not spitting right now," lies Nikita. "I forgot I had a gag reflex, even!" She hurriedly takes another sip of milk.

_We're getting through this,_ Bretman tells himself. _I am_ not _going in that pile, honey!_ He grits his teeth hard enough to feel the grains of hot red spice between them.

Not even Alex can run forever. Eventually, the evil dancers catch up to him, grab him, and drag him away.

"Oh, no!" Sinbad looks away from a sword fight in time to see what just happened, and genuine fear lights up his face. "Do what they say! I'll save you, Alex!"

The dancers take Alex to a nearby basket that's big enough to fit a person inside. "Get in there!" one of them growls as she roughly forces Alex into the basket's confines.

_"What?"_ Alex cries out, but he remembers Sinbad's advice and does as he's told.

There's still no sign of the where, and Joey's starting to get antsy.

So's Rosanna, from the looks of it. "Omigosh," she complains, "there's so many weapons here, but I'm not finding a location! I found a bowling pin! I found a crowbar!" She holds up the bowling pin in one hand and the crowbar in the other. "These are all weapons!"

Joey cracks a smile at Rosanna's current appearance. "You're about to get framed for something."

"Was he hung at a bowling alley?" speculates Rosanna. "Was he hijacking a car?"

_Who knows? Not me!_

"Chilling in a basket," Alex sadly sing-songs to himself from within his little basket prison. "I have a YouTube channel! If you're not doing anything right now, you could subscribe!" _It's called Wassabi Productions. I'm not even sure if it's still up...it's been two years...someone might've deleted it after I died...especially after Roi..._

He hears the sounds of battle outside the basket. He figures Sinbad, who's still at large, might have something to do with it.

_If you're not smiling, you're doing it wrong._

His smile's beginning to hurt.

"Was he killed in bed?" suggests Rosanna, resting her head on a little red pillow. She's heard a few stories about people being killed in bed. Perhaps Ma'Ruf is one of them.

Joey's expression brightens. "Oh, that's a good question!"

Rosanna scrunches her nose. "Wait," she asks, "you think so?"

"Ro," exclaims Joey, "that might actually be it!"

"Okay, let's ask," says Rosanna, hurrying over to the crystal. _Please let this be right. It's the fifth question. Joey and I_ need _this to be right._

"Was Ma'Ruf killed in his bed?" Joey asks the crystal.

One knock. Rosanna's heart sinks.

"Omigod." Joey bites his lip. "That was our fifth one, Ro."

_Shoot._ "Was that the fifth one? Wait, wait! He was hung, right? So he couldn't get hung in bed!" _Why did I even_ think _ that was the answer?_

"One of us has to put our name in the voting pile," Joey sighs.

Rosanna doesn't let herself so much as hesitate. "I'll do it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Rosanna nods bravely. "I'm gonna do it because I owe you one." _I put you in danger once, Joey, but I won't put you there again. You're my friend. No matter what, I'll_ always _have your back._ She holds out her hand to him, and she prays that he'll take it.

He does more than take it. He murmurs "thank you, Ro" and pulls her into a hug.

_So he forgives me._ Rosanna closes her eyes, savors the warmth of her dear friend's embrace, and fights against her tears. _Everything's back to the way it was between us now. Thank goodness._

Nikita doesn't want to do this anymore. Even _she_ has her limits. She's skinny, and she lives in LA, so she's not the type of bitch who can just chow that spicy shit down like it's nothing. It's time for her to stop.

Bretman's oblivious to her suffering. "Eat this one, and I'll eat these two."

"No, Bretman!" Nikita almost sobs. "I can't eat any more! I cannot!" _I'm sorry, Bretman! I'm not a spice girl, okay? That's not my thing!_

"Bitch..." Bretman scowls, but quickly recovers. "Okay. Here comes my protein intake for the day, girl." He picks up a falafel and chows it down with obvious difficulty. "Omigod."

"You can do it!" Nikita cheers, believing in him with all her fiery heart. "There's only one more! There's only one more! You got this, you got this, you got this!"

Bretman's a bit annoyed at Nikita for quitting on him _(bitch, you're lucky you don't got a card, or else your ass would be in the hot seat now!)_, but he pushes his feelings aside and focuses on his last falafel. This one is the hottest so far. A scarlet wave of pure seasoning overwhelms his taste buds. He almost chokes on the spice as he covers his mouth and tries in vain to fan the heat away.

"Swallow!" encourages Nikita. "Spitters are quitters!"

Tears flood Bretman's eyes. "Omigod." He swallows part of the falafel, and his tongue promptly revolts against swallowing the rest. "I'm dying, Nikita." His stomach is in flames. "Nikita, my eye shadow!"

"Listen, one thing you _can't_ do is die," responds Nikita. "Second thing you cannot do is—"

"Die ugly," finishes Bretman.

Nikita shakes her head. "Never." There's an undercurrent of defiant spit in her inspiring words.

Bretman internalizes her words—_we_ won't _die, not here, not ugly, me and Nikita_ will _see the sun again_—and swallows the rest of that falafel shit like the bad bitch that he is. His mouth will never be the same, but he knows that it's worth it.

"Here be it!" shouts Nikita, banging her hand against the table.

_Yeah! Let's go, bitches!_

On the floor of the tent, a chest opens. Nikita gasps, turns around, reaches into the chest, and takes out the Ebony Horse. "Bretman, it's the horse! It's the horse! Bretman..."

Joey is _so_ relieved that Rosanna decided to put her name in the voting pile, and he _totally_ forgives her for putting his name in before. Bygones are bygones. They're friends again. Honestly, he's not sure why he was so angry at her in the first place. After all, a girl as sweet and selfless as Rosanna Pansino deserves the best the world has to offer, and she just made that crystal clear.

He finds a book. "Ro, look!" he yells, rifling through its brown pages.

"Joey, yes!" gasps Rosanna. "What does it say? What does it say?" She runs over.

"Okay," Joey mutters. "Okay, okay." He tries looking through the book to see if there's any possible location. "There's so many words in here! How's this gonna be helpful?"

Fatima comes over to join them. "How are you doing?" she whispers.

"We found out he was hung," says Rosanna, holding up her rope. "How he died. We have to find a location now."

Joey's brain is like scrambled eggs because of all the stress he feels."I don't know if this has anything to do with him," he frets. "Is there a title to the book?" He notices Arabic writing on the book's spine, and he sucks in a breath. "Wait!"

"What does it say?" Rosanna wants to know. "What does it say?"

"I don't know how to pronounce this, but..." Joey frowns. "Lah-me?" Then, it hits him. "Library! A book is found in a library."

"Let's try it," says Rosanna. "Let's do it. You ready? Okay."

Joey faces the crystal. "Was Ma'Ruf killed in a library?"

Two knocks.

_"Yes!"_ Joey jumps up and down again, even more jubilantly than last time. "We got it!" He's _so_ glad that he and Rosanna don't have to put any more cards in the pile. At last, the mystery is solved, and they are (somewhat) safe!

Rosanna squeals "Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey!" and leaps into Joey's arms. They celebrate their success together for a full ten seconds before the chest on the ground opens.

"Whoa, the chest!" Joey shouts, running over to it. Inside the chest is a note and the Ring of Ma'Ruf. Joey reads the note aloud to Rosanna.

_Stand in the center of the square and raise the ring to the sky._

Loving pride gleams in Rosanna's eyes. _"Yes,_ Joey."

Joey holds the ring between his fingers and contemplates his next move, all while Colleen and Justine still flit through the outskirts of his mind.

Footsteps near the basket let Alex know that Sinbad is coming for him. "Are we getting out?" The Aviator squirms in the depths of the basket, excited for his impending rescue.

Sure enough, Sinbad flips away the basket's cover and smiles playfully down at Alex. "Hey!"

"Dad?" giggles Alex.

Sinbad clearly appreciates the title. "Okay, you good?"

"Okay!" Alex leaps out of the basket. "Let's go!" _We can meet up with the others now, and I'm glad, cause these boots were_ not _made for running._

The gang converges in the middle of Arabia's public square. In an instant, three groups become a single group of five YouTubers, along with Sinbad and the Sorceress. "I got the ring," says Joey.

Nikita holds up her green equine trophy. "I have the Ebony Horse."

"This summons the hammer," Joey remarks.

"And we need to smash _this,"_ interjects Bretman, referring to the Ebony Horse, "with the hammer."

Joey consults the note he brought. "This says that I need to stand in the center of the square and raise the ring to the sky."

"And it's gonna show us the location of where the hammer is," says Rosanna.

"I say we just go to the center," recommends Joey, "and raise the ring."

Alex makes a face and stretches his back. "Can we walk slowly? Do we have to run?" He hates to whine, but his feet hurt like crazy, and he just wants to take a load off for a while. Surely a slow walk instead of a sprint is not too much to ask.

"Where's the center?" Bretman asks.

All of a sudden, a shirtless bearded man in a red turban comes charging out of a nearby tent and at the YouTubers. Alex recognizes him as the villain who killed the hero in Scheherazade's play. _Oh, he's bad news._ A shiver runs down Alex's spine. _We need to go. Now._

"Quick, quick, quick!" squeaks Rosanna. "Joey, quick!"

Bretman, as usual, needs to sort out his priorities. "He's hot!"

But then, Alex's new friend Sinbad yells "Ali Baba!" and draws his sword. "Here we go." He runs forward, and the next thing anyone knows, he's in an all-or-nothing swordfight with Ali Baba himself.

"Get him!" shouts Joey. "Go, Sinbad!"

In the first few parries, Sinbad gains the upper hand, knocking Ali Baba to the ground. But Ali Baba quickly recovers and swipes at Sinbad's waist, forcing the younger man to leap out of the way of his sword. Sinbad then runs up onto the now-empty stage, exchanges a few more blows with Ali Baba, and jumps off the stage again. Ali Baba leaps after him. Through it all, Alex watches with bated breath, hoping that their friend will come out on top.

Both Joey and Nikita scream "Get him, Sinbad!"

The fight intensifies. Its combatants hack and slash at each other. Just when it looks like Sinbad is about to take the win, Ali Baba lets out a hellish yell and drives his sword into Sinbad's chest.

_What? No! Not Sinbad!_

"No!" wails Joey. "Sinbad!"

_Sinbad saved us from Scheherazade,_ cries Alex's heart. _He saved me from that basket. He's kept us all safe throughout Arabia. He was supposed to live happily with Fatima. He_ can't _die!_

But if there's one thing that Alex has learned throughout his time in these games, it's that the best people all too often get the saddest endings.

Even though he's badly wounded, Sinbad still stares Ali Baba down, a sorrowful expression in his dark eyes. "Guess this is what I get for writing my own story, huh?" He weaponizes the element of surprise to stab Ali Baba. Both men fall dead on the grass.

"Omigod!" Nikita gasps.

"Sinbad!" Alex rushes over to his fallen friend. "Are you okay?" He knows the truth. He doesn't know why he keeps deluding himself.

Bretman shakes his head. "They both dead. They dead."

"They're dead," echoes Joey despondently.

Rosanna checks for signs of life, but it's all for naught. Sinbad, the man who saved all of their lives, the man who only wanted a story with a happy ending for himself and his true love, is gone forever.

And then, as if to add the finishing touches to this tragedy, Fatima comes out of the tent and falls apart at the sight of her lover's corpse. "No!" She runs to him, bawling, and throws herself on top of him. _"No!"_ Her agonized wails become soft sobs; her shaking arms clasp Sinbad close in the last caress that they will ever share.

"She just lost her love," observes Bretman.

Joey's voice breaks. "This is so tragic."

Alex sees his past self in Fatima's tears.

Rosanna feels horrible. She wants to console Fatima, because it must be _devastating_ to lose a love like that. But at the same time, they still do have a hammer to retrieve, and she wants to get out of here! "Joey," she whispers, "go put that ring in the sky!"

"Okay," says Joey. "Let's hold the ring up." Then, to the grieving Fatima, "I'm sorry."

_I'm sorry, too._

Joey stands in the center and raises the ring to the sky. He looks like he's having a hero moment. The ring glows gold, and a compartment under the stage opens. Inside is the Hammer of Suleman. They have what they came for.

That's when Scheherazade shows up.

"No!" screams Joey.

But before anyone can do anything to stop her, Scheherazade steals the Hammer of Suleman.

"Put that down!" yells Rosanna, her insides boiling with anger. _She can't do that! It's not fair! We did everything right!_

_That bitch!_ steams Nikita. _That stupid storyteller bitch! We came all this way, ate all those falafels, and she just_ has _to come and screw everything up!_ She crosses her arms and shoots a dirty look at Scheherazade. _If one of us dies because of her, I'll kill her myself. I swear to God._

Joey shouts "That's _our_ hammer!" at the storyteller.

Scheherazade smirks at the indignant group. "That's not how your story ends!"

The group is rapidly surrounded by the evil dancers. "Omigod, omigod," groans Joey. "We're surrounded _again?"_

Nikita _really_ wants to let loose and slaughter her way out, but given the odds, she's sure that she'd die in minutes if she tried. _Dammit._ She wishes she still had her katana. _Screw Arabia, screw Purgatory, and screw this dumbass game._

"You won't get the hammer," gloats Scheherazade, "but I _will_ let you leave Arabia. Two of you must be chosen by vote to try and complete my latest story. The one who can will live, and the other will not." She shrugs disdainfully. "Like I said, your tale is a tragedy."

_"You're_ about to be a tragedy, bitch!" Nikita snarls at her, and she one hundred percent means every murderous word she says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Another vote for death is on the horizon. Also, Alex's luck is crap, Nikita gets a character development award, Bretman once again regrets ever showing up for this thing, Rosanna is worried about her selflessness, and Joey continues his path towards redemption.


	39. Volunteer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voting Time looms over the surviving YouTubers, but Joey has more than a few tricks up his sleeve.

_We almost had it,_ Alex sighs to himself. _We were_ so _close to escaping Arabia. Will this parade of murder_ ever _stop?_ "Who has not been in one of these challenges yet?" _I want us to be happy. Why can't we just be happy?_

"Me, Rosanna, and Joey," Bretman replies.

This takes Alex by surprise. _"None_ of you had been in one?"

"No," says Joey.

Alex's eyes grow as wide as saucers. "I'm the only one!" He's been in not one, but _two_ challenges, while everyone else hasn't even been in _one_ yet. That's slightly disconcerting to think about.

"I will vouch for Alex," Joey declares, putting his hand on Alex's shoulder. "He's been into the final death challenge more than any of us. It's only fair that two of the three of us should go in."

A small "yeah" slips out of Alex's mouth, and he feels horrible about it, because he knows that he's basically agreeing to send a friend to their death. "Who's it gonna be?"

"I just ate _so_ many spicy falafels, and my stomach is upset!" Bretman decides to inform everyone around him. It's true. His stomach is _so_ not taking those falafels well. If he barfs all over his nice yellow coat, he'll blame Arabia.

"Clearly," says Joey, "none of us want to volunteer ourselves."

Bretman gets a _very_ risky idea. "Should we just vote for ourselves in, then?" It's the kind of move that could _totally_ bite him in the ass, but also, it's the right thing to do. He's sick of plotting and backstabbing. Now's the time for everyone to get their shit together.

"Yeah," Joey agrees.

So that's what they do.

Rosanna admires Alex for going along with this. He's already been in two challenges, so the fact that he's willing to vote himself to be at risk for a _third_ says a lot about his character. She hopes for the best for him.

Each YouTuber (minus Nikita, who watches in worry from the sidelines) selects his or her own card and hands it to the Sorceress. Their helper adds an extra Socialite card to the pile, and Rosanna winces upon remembering her decision. "Oh, no, no, no, no." she murmurs, jiggling in place. "No, no, no, no, no."

_It was worth it. It was for Joey. But...I don't wanna die..._

"There's _no_ way I'm going back in this thing," Alex insists, even as his conscience warns him not to believe in the game. "No way." He laughs, as if his laugh will make his words come true.

Bretman crosses his arms. "I will outperform _anyone."_

"Aw, heck," says Rosanna.

The Sorceress draws a card and displays it. She doesn't even have to say who she picked; the second Alex sees his face staring back at him, he understands. "Omigosh!" He retreats into himself, his head hanging as low as his morale. "Again?"

Rosanna presses her hands against her mouth and gasps. "Alex!"

"I already killed two friends!" Alex thinks of DeStorm, who died to keep him alive, and Colleen, who he wasn't fast enough to save. "I have to kill somebody else?" _Isn't my body count high enough as it is?_

"This isn't fair!" Joey cries out. "Alex, I..."

_It's okay._ Alex grins sadly at his friends. _I think I've got the hang of this._

Bretman puts his hand on Alex's shoulder. _So this is, what, the_ third _time he's been in one of these challenges? God, that sucks._ He doesn't have a thing for Alex anymore, but he _does_ feel _hella_ sorry for him.

A second card is drawn from the pile.

"The Playboy."

_Oh, shit._ Bretman takes a moment to collect himself. _Don't freak out, bitch. Don't freak out. This would've happened at some point anyway. You've been killing it so far. You're okay. You're not gonna die._

Rosanna gasps again. Joey gulps. Nikita covers her face in shame.

Once he's done pep-talking himself, Bretman faces Alex. "Well," he says in acid tones, "if it isn't us."

"How do you feel about that?" Alex asks.

"You already died once," replies Bretman matter-of-factly. "You're gonna die again, honey." _Sorry, boo, but you kicked the bucket a full two years ago. Everyone's moved on. I got a family back home waiting for me, and I'm_ not _gonna break their hearts tonight._ He crosses his fingers under his yellow coat.

"Bretman!" Nikita, spurred on by regret and fear, runs to Bretman and gives him one last desperate good-luck hug. "I'm sorry." Her tone dances with tears. "I'm _so_ sorry I did this to you." _What if he ends up like Manny? What if I have to watch him die?_

No. Not this time. She _won't_ let them hurt him. If it comes to that, she'll fight them all.

"All right!" snickers Scheherazade. "Step up, the two of you!"

Bretman lets Nikita go and steps up. So does Alex. Nikita hangs back next to Joey, questions burning in her head. "I know this is a bad time to ask," she whispers to the Savant, "and I probably should've asked sooner, but—"

"I haven't seen him, Nikita," Joey grumbles. "He wasn't with this group."

_So there's still hope._

Joey glares at the scene before him. "This is _wrong,"_ he confides to Nikita, his voice overflowing with anger. "Alex doesn't deserve this."

Although Nikita's more concerned about Bretman than about Alex, she has to admit that Joey's kind of right. If Alex really _has_ been in two challenges before this, and no one else has been in even _one,_ then Alex should sit the challenge out. As it is, the let's-all-vote-for-ourselves shit is screwing him over, just like it screwed Manny over way back in the day. But it's not like Nikita can change what's been decided.

_Actually, you know what? I can. I_ totally _can. Joey came here to make things right for everyone, didn't he?_

She lowers her voice. "You have to show them."

"They don't even _trust_ me!" Joey complains.

"Joey, it's your time to show them that they _can_ trust you," replies Nikita. "You have to be their hero." _He needs to really let these people see, now more than ever, that he is the person to trust, and that without him, they're not escaping the night._

Joey considers Nikita's words. He's spent all night chasing redemption; sometimes, he's close to being there, while other times, it's a thousand leagues away. His friends don't know whether they should trust him. Colleen died thinking he let her down. The world's unfair. It's time to rise above the pain of his past and be the friend his friends deserve.

_"It's for everyone. If you're_ really _here to make things right..."_

He is. He _will._ For everyone. And now's his chance to prove it.

"Wait!" He raises his hand as high in the air as he possibly can. "I volunteer! Alex, it's not fair for you to go in."

Alex's expression is the picture of astonishment. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." If Joey's going to earn their trust and get out of here alive, he needs to stand up and take on the horrors that everyone else has had to face for so long. He will go into the challenge. He will do what must be done.

Even if it kills him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Joey and Bretman tell stories to their friends. Once again, blood will hit the ground...but whose blood will it be?


	40. The Tragicomedy of Bretman Rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bretman and Joey work to weave incredible tales for their friends' entertainment. But how will each of their stories end? Comedies? Tragedies? Perhaps a bit of both?

"Here is the story you must complete," says Scheherazade, using her quill to point at a wooden board with a fill-in-the-blank story written on it. "Hunt through the bazaar to find three items to fill in the blanks. Your friends will vote on which story is the worst, and one of your names will be written in as the tragic death that ends the tale."

Joey's breath catches as he comes to the terrible realization that his story, three years in the making, might come to a tragic end right here. And if it isn't _his_ story that's about to end, it's the story of Bretman Rock, who never should've come along on this mission in the first place. "Okay, good luck," Joey mumbles to his friend, but he's not sure that his words mean much in such a time as this.

_At least if I die, I'll be with Colleen and Justine again..._

"Now find your items!" Scheherazade cackles. "Hurry up!"

"Oh, God," Joey whimpers while he runs into the bazaar. "Oh, God. Okay."

There are piles of items all over the place. It's going to be hard for Joey to choose only three to use in his storytelling. On the bright side, he's pretty sure that the _real_ challenge is to _sell_ these items and make them seem like they're the most important items ever. Joey can do that. Despite all that's happened, he hasn't lost his flair for the dramatic.

He finds a lamp first, then a rope. "That's kinky," he notes. "Maybe the genie was kinky?" After a little more searching, he also comes across a magnificent scepter with a beautiful ram's-head handle. He gasps. "A scepter."

"A genie would be there," says Bretman quietly, picking up a fancy golden pot to go with his paper fish. "And this is cute." He snatches a roll of red-and-yellow silk and makes a break for the stage.

_It's showtime._

He doesn't really give _that_ much of a shit about being voted in, because his craft is storytelling. It's what made him famous. In fact, he's positive that he could out-story Scheherazade herself if it ever came down to it. Nikita will be watching him from the audience, as will all his other friends, and they'll be absolutely blown away by his storytelling talent. He's got this challenge in the bag. He's not scared. Not at all.

Once he and Joey return to Scheherazade's stage, the story begins. "A very poor fisherman cast his net," Scheherazade reads off the board, "and was surprised to pull out..."

"A big hot pot, hand-crafted by the genie himself," finishes Bretman, displaying the pot in question. _My genie has a two-story lamp, honey!_

"The most magical genie lamp," narrates Joey, "lost at sea for thousands of years, imprisoned by Poseidon himself." He shows the lamp to the audience and basks in the glow of their intrigue.

"So _small,"_ Bretman taunts.

_Well, excuse me for telling my story!_ "At least I found an actual _lamp!_ You found a _pot!"_

"All right!" shouts Scheherazade, and the story continues.

"The fisherman, to no avail, tried to appease the genie with..."

"Fishes!" Bretman waves his fish around, much to the delight of the audience. "By the number one, GMO free, organic!" He spaces the word "organic" out so that it sounds more like "or-gan-ic."

"Yes!" cheers Nikita.

"Yes," Alex agrees. "Fishes."

_Looks like I'm winning over the crowd,_ Bretman chuckles to himself.

Joey thrusts his staff forward. "With a ram staff, known to appease many genies in history."

"That one seems a little weird," mutters Nikita.

_Nikita,_ thinks Joey, _why are you like this? I'm writing my own story! Go on and fact-check me!_ He knows deep down that she wants Bretman to win, because he's her best friend, but why did she advise him to volunteer for Alex in the first place if she was just going to hate on his story? It doesn't make much sense.

"The genie tried to kill the fisherman, but he tricked the genie using..."

"This silk, honey!" crows Bretman as he drapes the silk around him and tosses its end over his right shoulder. "Made by the finest silkworms in China, handpicked by the Emperor himself." _That's a throwback reference. We all remember the Emperor._

Alex and Rosanna oooh and aaah. Nikita grins proudly. "Details!" she brags on her friend's behalf. "Details, you guys!"

Bretman beams at her.

"Some sexy rope." The rope feels like a snake in Joey's hands. "He was into some kinky stuff, and the genie _loved_ to be tied up." He whips the rope at the audience as a finishing touch.

Rosanna lets out a high-pitched squeal at Joey's kinkiness.

"What!" exclaims Alex.

"Oh," says Nikita. "Okay."

"Now it's time to vote," announces Scheherazade.

Joey peeks at the board, and he notices the last sentence of Scheherazade's unfinished story: _Now the genie waits, plotting to kill the one named..._ Then, a blank. That blank will no doubt soon be filled with his or Bretman's name.

Dread rules the Arabian night. So, too, does it rule the Savant's heart.

For Nikita, this is an obvious no-brainer. Not only is Bretman her best friend, but he also told a _way_ better story, and it wasn't even a close contest. She knows who she's voting for.

"Whose story is the worst?" Scheherazade touches Joey's shoulder. "Raise your hands! His?"

Nikita raises her hand.

Joey's face falls. "Nikita!"

"One," laughs Scheherazade.

"I'm sorry!" Nikita cries out. "I brought Bretman into this!" _If he dies, it's all on me, so I can't let him die. I'm sorry that you're the price I gotta pay._

"Yeah, you _better_ vote for him!" snaps Bretman bitterly.

Right there, beneath the moonless sky, Nikita swears to high heaven that if Bretman survives, she'll never take him for granted ever again. She'll have his back. She'll be to him what he was to her after Everlock: loving, understanding, and supportive beyond measure. And of course, the next time she gets invited to take part in a dangerous mission, she'll leave his ass at home where he belongs.

This is just really intense. Too intense for Rosanna. A long time ago, she might've just refused to vote at all. But she promised Joey that she'd have his back for the rest of the night, and she loves him too much to turn on him again.

"Rosanna?" Bretman pleads, as if he's counting on her vote.

Scheherazade gestures to the frightened Playboy. "Or him!"

"I'm _so_ sorry," whimpers Rosanna, tears welling up in her big brown eyes. "I can't lose Joey. He's...he's gonna get us out of here." Her hand scrapes the air above her head, yet she feels like the dirt beneath her feet.

Bretman's story was _definitely_ better than Joey's, but Alex still owes Joey, so there's not much of a choice. "He took my place," explains the Aviator. "I have to." He raises his hand.

Joey seems awed at the two-to-one vote. "Ro...Alex..."

"Bretman, I'm sorry!" Rosanna sobs.

Scheherazade guffaws. Bretman's mouth falls open. Nikita looks like she's just been punched in the stomach.

_We killed him,_ thinks Alex, his teeth locked together in a painful wince. _We just killed Bretman Rock._

Bretman wilts. "You think you _know_ a bitch," he growls in a harsh but defeated voice. _I put my heart and soul into that story, but_ nope, _Joey pulled a Katniss, so let's go save_ his _ass instead!_ What hurts the most is knowing that Alex and Rosanna probably would've picked Joey to win even if Joey's story had absolutely sucked.

"Bretman, I’m sorry," murmurs Joey, and it's only then that the truth of Bretman's loss hits.

_I'm gonna die…_

He's not like the others. They, being dead, all know what dying's like, but _he_ doesn't, because this is his first time in Joey's game. He doesn't know how to beg for his life, or how to cope with the pain, or how to take his last breath of air while his friends helplessly watch death claim him. He didn't think that he’d have to learn such things for a long time. Death happened to dead bitches. Not him. _Never_ him.

But here he is. Caught unprepared. A dead bitch after all.

"Fatima," orders Scheherazade, "write his name in the story."

As Fatima moves to finish the genie's tale, fear creeps like cold water down Bretman’s neck. _No!_ His lips form Fatima's name. Only the sight of Nikita's crestfallen face in the crowd prevents him from falling apart right here in front of everyone. _Don't kill me! Please! I don't wanna die! I’m too young! Who's gonna tell my family? Kita…Joey…help! Somebody! Don't let it end like this!_

Fatima finishes writing. Bretman expects to see his (possibly misspelled) name on the board, dooming him to a tale of tragedy. Instead…

"You wrote _my_ name?"

_Scheherazade._

"What have you _done?"_ the storyteller screams.

"That's for killing my true love!" proclaims Fatima, drawing herself up to her full height as vengeful fire burns in her dark eyes. "Burn in Hell, you murderous bitch!"

Compelled by the power of Fatima's story, Scheherazade's own dancers turn on her, using their tiny knives to stab her into bloody onstage death. Joey takes advantage of the gory distraction to recover the Hammer of Suleman. Fatima stands and watches the scene unfold, wearing a victorious but enigmatic smile.

_Holy shit!_ All of Bretman's terror turns to triumph. _I'm not gonna die after all! Thanks, Fatima!_

_Now_ that's _what I call a happy ending!_ Nikita cheers internally. Thank God. She was _really_ starting to freak out there for a minute. But it's all good now. Bretman made it. Everyone here is still alive. She can't _wait_ to tell Matt about their Arabian adventures.

Alex sets the Ebony Horse down on the ground. "Break the horse!"

"Watch out!" yells Joey. "Watch out!"

Nikita scampers over to Bretman, and they share another hug. Alex puts his hand on Nikita's back in an obvious effort to protect both her and Bretman from Joey's Hammer Time antics. Frankly, under the circumstances, Nikita's okay with this. They could use a nice moment now and then.

Joey smashes the Ebony Horse.

"Yeah, Joey!" whoops Rosanna. "Yes!"

A portal of smoke opens inside a nearby tent. "Guys!" Alex points at it. "That's our way out! Let's go!"

"Come on, let's go," says Joey.

It is then that Nikita Dragun senses the last of her magic calling her home. "Wait! You guys?" _Dammit, no! Not now! They still need me! What if something bad happens and I'm not there to protect them?_ But as much as she wants to stay and help the group escape, the core of her soul understands that her time in Purgatory is over. The rest is up to Joey, Bretman, and all the other friends she's made, and honestly, they've got this. She believes that they'll make it out alive.

"Nikita!" Rosanna _(she's okay, Matt will know that she's okay)_ is the first to realize what's wrong. "No, Nikita, no!"

"I can feel the magic fading." Nikita, ever the warrior, fights the pull to the land of the living so that she can say her last goodbye as a guardian angel. "Survive. Be strong." _Fight this game. Fight it like hell. Bretman, that goes_ double _for_ your _ass. Don't you_ dare _get yourself killed cause of a bitch like me, understand?_ Her eyes search Purgatory for the last time. _Manny…if you're out there…find them…_

The dying spell takes her away.

She reappears in a familiar clearing, where Matt, Jael, and Ryu are waiting. They turn to her expectantly, no doubt curious about what went down.

Nikita smiles. For the first time all night, she feels content. "I think they have a chance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bye, Nikita. It was nice to have you back for a bit!  
Next chapter: The genie is at last set free, and he grants the group a glimmer of hope.


	41. Wishing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time, at last, to free the genie. This action yields unexpected rewards for the group.

Damn that guardian angel magic for running out before the mission's done. Its loss just cost them a valuable ally in Nikita Dragun, and without her, Joey feels exposed, like they're open to every possible attack. He just hopes that her survivor's strength can stick with the group through the darkness yet to come.

Bretman has a different attitude about the situation. "Omigod!" he screams. "Kita! You can't leave without me!"

"She's gone," Joey sighs. "We have to go. Come on."

"Come on," says Alex.

The YouTubers travel through the smokey passageway, and they find themselves back in the genie's chambers. "Alhamdulillah!" the genie rejoices. "You found the hammer!" He holds out his chained hands. "Free me."

Joey furrows his brows, mistrust ringing in his head. "You _promise_ you'll give us a wish, and you'll give us that key, right?"

"I am a man of my word," the genie assures him. "I will give you the key. Break the chains."

And so, with a scream, Joey brings the Hammer of Suleman down on the genie's chains, breaking them in two. The genie laughs as he springs free. His laugh is dark enough to send tingles of heightened anxiety down Joey's spine.

"That's not a good person laugh," frets Alex. "That's an evil laugh."

"Oh, hell no," says Bretman.

"Give us the key!" Joey shouts, sticking out his open hand. _If he tricked us, I swear to God..._

The genie nods. "You may have the key." He takes the sixth jeweled key off his neck and gives it to Joey. Joey takes it, relieved.

Alex raises a finger. "And...?"

"Thank you very much," says Rosanna.

_Now we get the wish,_ thinks Joey. _Whatever wish we want. This is our chance to escape this place._ "What about the wish?"

"Yes," the genie replies with a grins. "But I know better than to leave it open-ended. I will return one of your friends from the dead."

Everyone gasps. Joey's heart leaps. This, to him, is almost unbelievable. If it wasn't for the successful revival of MatPat in Everlock, he _knows_ he wouldn't believe in such a wonderful thing. _I can save someone._ He thinks of all the friends he's lost to final deaths. _I can still make things right for one of them._

"Omigod," breathes Bretman.

"What?" whispers Rosanna.

The genie smiles benevolently. "Who do you wish to bring back?"

"Omigod." Joey feels like his head is spinning. _This decision is so difficult. Who's to say whose life is more important than the others?_ "How do we make this decision?"

"Who's gonna help us the most get out of here," is Bretman's opinion.

_I don't know,_ Joey stresses to himself. _I don't wanna just pick someone based on what they can do for us._ "I mean...everyone contributed..." He's stammering his way through a parade of old memorials. "There was Justine...she left so early...Tim...DeStorm...Tana...Gabbie...Colleen..." _They_ all _deserve to still be here! Why do I have to pick only one?_

"I think it has to be somebody not that big of an opponent physically," suggests Alex. "but they're really good at puzzles and stuff."

"So who?" Joey asks him.

Alex responds instantaneously. "Tana."

_Tana Mongeau. Stomach sliced open. Stabbed with the Black Knight's sword. I used to think she wouldn't last. Boy, she proved me wrong..._

"I think Colleen's really great," pipes up Rosanna. "She's really great at solving things."

_Colleen Ballinger. Impaled by the Maiden of Madness. Crushed to death by the Minotaur. I promised I'd get her out of here..._

"Bretman?"

The Playboy thinks for a second. "Tana," he decides. "She could read backwards. She was really actually smart if she shut the fuck up."

"True," Joey agrees.

"As long as we tape her mouth," concludes Bretman, "we can get out of here!"

"She'd probably like it," Alex jokes.

Bretman turns to the one person who hasn't expressed an opinion yet. "What do you think, Joey?"

"Joey," says Rosanna, "you pick."

_I pick..._

Usefulness is not a trait that Joey wants to consider. He's sick of judging his friends based on what they have or haven't done; too many people have died because they weren't seen as useful enough to live, and if that's what life is truly worth, he wants no part of it. No, it's best to let his heart decide. Which of his departed friends does he most want to see alive and well?

_Justine or Colleen,_ he realizes. _Of course. It always comes back to them._

He can only pick one. No matter how badly he wants to save them both, he must leave one of his two best friends behind in the depths of Hell.

Justine was the one he originally came to save, the one whose death haunted him more than any other, the one he would've thrown himself into fire to see alive again. He misses her. But she was brave. She chose the twists in her own story. She died a hero, leaving him with a smile, an embrace, and a promise to make things right for the rest of the group. _"It's for everyone,"_ she said. Somehow, he gets the funny feeling that she wouldn't want him to pick her, a girl whose death was not his fault, over someone he _did_ abandon to the grave.

Colleen, by contrast, died entirely because he let her down. Twice. He pushed her into the Maiden of Madness because she dared speak out against him, and then, he let her die in the labyrinth even after he swore he'd save her. And all this while she was pregnant, too! If he truly means what he says about wanting to be a better person, he needs to start by setting right the biggest mistake he ever made in all his years of fighting through these nights.

The Savant makes up his tortured mind. "I think I know what's best for the group." He walks over to where the genie is standing and whispers "Colleen Ballinger" into their new ally's cerulean ear.

"What'd you wish for, Joey?" questions Bretman suspiciously.

_I love you, Colleen. I'll see you soon._

The genie departs his lamp, free at last, and makes his way through the Museum of the Dead until he's found the Minotaur's cursed maze. He searches through bush and thorny briar for Colleen Ballinger, humming her name in magical tones to guide him on his way. Eventually, after a brief scuffle with the Minotaur that ends in death for the once-fearsome beast, he comes across her lifeless corpse, bent at a thousand impossible angles, broken beyond the possibility of natural repair. It will take a miracle to bring her back to life. Fortunately, the genie specializes in miracles.

With a snap of his fingers, her crushed bones reform and return to their proper places in her body. Her internal bleeding heals. Her tears are wiped away. Her bruises vanish. Even her dark hair is brushed and restyled. The body is now in perfect condition to be reunited with the spirit.

_Colleen._ The genie sends his magic into Hell and Heaven. He discovers her, together with a second, smaller presence, and he guides them both to where they belong. _Colleen, come back._

She seems hesitant, almost afraid, but she listens to his words and carries the smaller spirit out of the land of final death. With a second snap of the genie's fingers, body and soul are one once more. Her system restarts. Her eyes fly open. She breathes her third first breath.

_Huh? Where am I? What happened?_

Then, she remembers, and she screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, Colleen! Another revival, another complete success!  
Next chapter: Ahoy there, boys and girls! Hop aboard the S.S. Pirate, cause we're setting sail for danger like you've never seen it before! Also, Colleen's reluctant homecoming.


	42. Colleen Twice Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colleen Ballinger is alive once more, revived by the power of a simple wish. But her return to Purgatory is fraught with peril, her mental state is in shambles, and her friends are about to be attacked by a crew of bloodthirsty buccaneers!

Colleen is alive, dead, in limbo, _whatever_ the hell she is, and with the relief of air in her lungs comes the traumatized urge to scream it all out. _Why am I back?_ Tears spill from her eyes. It hurts too much for her to think straight. _How many times do I have to die before those monsters finally leave me alone?_

She should be happy. She got revived. She has a third chance to win the life she wants. But at this point, the last two deaths she suffered _(a box of spikes, a Minotaur, impaled, crushed, it hurts, make it stop)_ have taught her that every new life in this game will only end in blood. She's stuck in an endless cycle of death. How will they kill her _this_ time? Will they shoot her? Stab her? Burn her? So many options! Screw them all.

"Please don't cry." A blue man—a genie—helps her to her feet. "You're safe. The Minotaur is dead. He cannot hurt you now."

_He can't, but_ they _can._ Colleen whimpers incoherently, her voice worn out from screaming. _Someone voted for me._ Lots _of someones, for all I know. Who's to say they won't do it again?_

The genie puts his arm around her trembling shoulders. "Come, my dear," he murmurs. "It's time to leave this maze."

He guides her down the winding paths, leaving clouds of smoke behind them. Soon, the two of them are outside the Minotaur's maze, and Colleen figures that she should thank the genie for reviving her (since it's not _his_ fault that this game sucks so hard). "Thank you."

"I'm not the one to thank," says the genie. "It was your friend Joey who wished you back."

_Joey..._ A spark of hope flickers in Colleen's despairing spirit. _He hasn't forgotten his promise._

"Alas, I'm afraid this is where I must leave you," the genie sighs as he turns away.

"Wait!" Colleen cries out. "What about Flynn?"

The genie looks back, faces Colleen once more, and bestows a kindly smile upon her. "Your child lives." With that, he vanishes into the smoke.

Colleen's hands instinctively find their way to her stomach. Flynn's alive. He came back with her. She still has a chance to have her son. This isn't enough to dispose of her dual death despondency, but it _is_ enough to fuel her scorching desire to escape this cursed museum once and for all. If she has to claw her way out with her bare hands, by God, she'll do it. For Flynn. For Erik. For the life she would've lived if Joey Graceffa and his damn death games hadn't screwed it all up.

_They're gonna kill you,_ whisper her bruises.

_No,_ she snaps back. _I won't let them._ Her tears turn hot with anger. _Next time we vote, I'll find everyone who had it out for me, and I swear, they'll_ pay _for all the hell they put me through!_

The fire engulfs her shattered heart.

_They. Will. Pay._

Joey, Rosanna, Alex, and Bretman have returned to the lounge. Colleen still hasn't rejoined them yet, and while a part of Joey frets that perhaps the genie's wish was a lie, he comforts himself with the memory of how long it took to bring Matt back. _Half an hour._ The Duchess will probably take the same length of time to return. In the meantime, time is still ticking, and she'd want them to get a move on instead of sitting around waiting for her.

"Okay." Joey looks at the key in his hands, then at the vault. "Let's do it." _We've been on a nice long roll of good luck lately. Please, whatever comes next, don't ruin it for us._

Rosanna lets out a breath. "Okay. Okay."

"Here we go," says Bretman.

Joey turns the sixth jeweled key. Moments later, a flag unfurls from the ceiling. It's the skull and crossbones—the traditional flag of piracy.

Rosanna shrieks.

"Omigod!" Joey shouts. _If that means what I think it means..._

He barely has time to process this new information before a gang of pirates raid the room. The YouTubers scream in terror. A tall man with a bushy dark beard and midnight eyes (presumably the pirate captain) jabs his cutlass at the four survivors. "Round 'em up!"

Even though he's scared shitless, Joey's not about to let his friends get hurt. "Come on!" he yells. "Let's go!"

The pirates chase the YouTubers out of the lounge and down the hall. Joey can hear gunshots behind him, but he doesn't dare look back. _What if a stray bullet hits somebody?_ wails his conscience. _What if Alex or Bretman or Ro gets gunned down by these pirates?_ His awakening sense of responsibility can't bear the thought of such an unexpected tragedy.

As Colleen approaches the museum, her ears detect what sounds like an ambush going on inside. She's not surprised. If it isn't one thing trying to kill everyone, it's another. And this crap is what she came back to. What fun, right? Wrong.

_I'll just stay out here until whatever it is goes away,_ she decides. _That seems like a logical thing to do._

But her plan is abruptly foiled by a swarthy young pirate with long curly dark hair, deep brown eyes, high cheekbones, and a prominent nose. "Ha!" The woman leaps out of the shadows, grabs Colleen, and holds a knife against her throat. "Another one of Rorik's spies, are you?"

_I'm gonna die. She's gonna kill me._ Colleen, immobilized with fear, reacts with an almost incoherent babble of high-pitched words. "Please, no, I'm not a spy, my friends are waiting, _don't,_ I'm _pregnant!"_

"Hide!" Alex shouts. "Hide! Hide!" He ducks behind a curtain. The others follow suit and scramble into various hiding places. Seconds after everyone is properly hidden, the pirates invade the room, and Alex's heart jumps into his throat.

"I can smell 'em!" bellows a portly lady pirate. "You cowards, come out and fight!"

A dreadlocked pirate stomps about the room. "Where are you?" he hollers. "Show yourself!"

"They're working for that traitorous bitch!" snarls the pirate captain, his tone curling around his bitter words.

The portly lady pirate agrees. "Aye, aye, captain!"

_They're so mad,_ thinks Alex. _What's their problem? And who is this "traitorous bitch" the captain's going on about?_

The captain points out the window with his cutlass. "I see 'em out there! Come on!" He leads his crew away.

"All right, then!" exclaims the portly lady pirate.

The fourth pirate in the crew, an unkempt man wearing brown and white, sneers at everything he passes. "We gonna get 'em!"

Soon, the pirates are gone. The YouTubers tentatively creep out of hiding, like shy mice after the cat has left the room. "Omigod," Joey gasps, leaning haphazardly against the table as if the pirates' appearance has physically unbalanced him.

Alex frowns. "We're facing _pirates_ now?" Pirates are cool in movies, such as _Pirates of the Caribbean,_ but this is no movie. These are _real_ pirates, and they'd probably like nothing better than to make the whole group walk the plank. The only way that Alex and his friends can stand against the threat of a watery grave is for them to pull together and form a crew of their own.

Everyone's okay (for now), but those pirates will be back soon, and hiding away from them won't work forever. The group needs a clue. But Joey's so afraid, confused, and uncertainly frazzled that he doesn't even know where he should look.

"Omigod! You guys, help me, please!"

_That voice..._

Joey whirls towards the door. There, her hat slightly askew, her teary brown eyes wide with bewildered alarm, her hands shaking limply at her sides, is Colleen Ballinger. She's got a knife to her pale throat, courtesy of an enraged female pirate, but she's alive. Colleen's _alive._ The wish Joey wished came true.

"Colleen!" screams every other YouTuber in the room.

_I can't believe this._ Joey wastes half an instant drinking in the sight of his resurrected friend. _It worked. She's back. Colleen's okay again._ Then, he realizes that she's currently being held hostage by a pirate, and he reaches out to rescue her.

"Back up!" The female pirate speaks in a harsh accent. "I swear to God, I'll cut her throat!"

"Please don't, please don't, please don't," stammers Joey, withdrawing his outstretched arm. _Please don't make me watch her die._

"No, don't do that!" Rosanna pleads. "No! We just got her back!"

Colleen has already lost what little composure she still had. "Somebody do something! Please! Please!"

"Okay, okay, I just..." _Think, Joey! Think!_ "We'll do anything! Please, just let her go!"

"Are you working for Rorik?" the pirate demands to know.

Rosanna scrunches her face. "Rorik..." She sounds the unfamiliar name out into its individual syllables.

"Tall," says the pirate. "Terribly handsome." There's a passing look of conflict on her fierce face; it's fairly clear that she has some sort of history with this Rorik guy.

Joey remembers the tall pirate captain who menaced the group earlier. "Wait! He was here! He was just here!"

"Are you working for him?!?" The pirate woman raises her voice and points at the group. "Who is the captain? Step forward! Who is your leader?"

"Sorta," Joey stutters as his friends push him forward.

"Joey," whispers Rosanna. "Joey. Joey."

The pirate looks Joey dead in the eye, her anger giving way to solemn seriousness. "You're not working with Rorik?"

"No," Joey replies. "He tried to kill us!" Somehow, he refrains from making a crack about how absolutely _everything_ in this museum has tried to kill them at one point or another.

But his protestations don't seem to be _quite_ enough for the pirate. "I need you to swear an oath." She spits on two of her fingers, then raises them high in the air.

_That's disgusting,_ thinks Joey.

"I swear on a pirate's boat," recites the pirate, "if I change my word, then I'll cut her throat!" She pushes her knife closer so that it touches Colleen's jugular, provoking a frightened whimper from the Duchess.

Joey makes a face. "Do I have to spit?"

"Repeat it after me!" orders the pirate.

"But do I have to spit?" asks Joey, who _really_ doesn't want to spit.

Colleen cranes her head backwards in an effort to get away from the pirate's knife. "Please spit," she squeaks.

Joey sighs. _Fine. If it's for Colleen, I'll spit._ He spits on his fingers and raises them high, just as the pirate did.

"Yes, Joey!" Rosanna cheers.

"I swear," repeats Joey, "on a pirate's...boat?" It seems like a weird thing to swear on, but hey, he doesn't write these pirate oaths.

The pirate supplies the second part of the pledge. "If I change my word, then I'll cut her throat!"

"If I change my word," Joey echoes reluctantly, "then I'll cut her throat."

At last, the satisfied pirate puts the knife away and pushes Colleen towards Joey. "Omigod," Colleen mumbles through long, heavy breaths; she looks like she still hasn't found her bearings yet. This, of course, is perfectly understandable. After all, she _did_ just come back from the dead.

Gratitude, joy, and love flood Joey's soul like walls of holy water, purifying him of all the tears he shed over her death. "Colleen," he half-giggles-half-cries, hugging her like he's never hugged anyone before. "Omigod, I'm so happy to see you!" In his heart of hearts, he renews the promise he made to her not so long ago. He _will_ get her out of here alive. Whatever it takes.

Colleen feels a thousand things at once. She's mad, she's scared, she's relieved, she's surprised...it's like someone stuffed every possible combination of emotions into her head at this exact moment. Most of all, though, she feels disoriented. Is this what it was like for Matt?

"As a mark of this truce," says the pirate, taking Colleen by the hand, "I give you the pirate's ring." She places a ring on Colleen's finger.

"What," breathes Alex.

Joey seems nervous. "What is that?"

The pirate's behavior is befuddling to Colleen. _One second, she hates me and is trying to kill me, and the next second, she's giving me a ring?_ To be honest, though, that bitch is the _least_ of her crazy problems.

_Everyone's looking at me now. I should say something._ "Yeah, I'm really confused. I was dead..." _Floating towards somewhere. A light. Peaceful, really. Not exactly the fire and brimstone Hell I was expecting._ "And then there was a genie, and then there was the smoke, and then there was a pirate bitch who tried to kill me. I don't know why she's still here. Can we make her leave?" She says all this very fast.

"Well, we had one wish to bring one of our friends back," explains Joey, "and we wished that it would be you."

So the genie was right. It _was_ Joey who brought her back. Colleen loves him, and she's glad that he remembered his promise, and she knows that she should be grateful, but honestly, she's pissed. "So you brought me back to the place where I can die again?"

"Well," squeals Joey between gritted teeth, "if you look at it like _that..."_

"We brought you back from the dead," pipes up Alex.

_Yeah, but why here? Why Purgatory? Couldn't you guys have brought me back to the real world, where I could've gone back to my life and family? Why'd you have to overexpose me to the Museum of the Dead and put my life in danger for the billionth freakin' time?_

"We just need you, Colleen," says Bretman.

Rosanna nods in agreement. "We need you."

They say that now. But Colleen hasn't forgotten that someone in this group voted her into her death. From now on, she plans on playing things close to her chest, staying suspicious of shady situations, and never letting _anyone_ lay a hand (or card) on her again. She _will_ survive. This cycle of death _won't_ be her destiny. Not for as long as she's got dreams to live for.

Rosanna is happy to see Colleen back. They worked well together in the Greek exhibit, and after all Colleen's been through, she really does deserve this. _Hopefully, she can stay alive with us,_ the little Socialite prays. _Imagine how happy Matt would be to see her!_

"And I have a feeling that we're gonna need _her,_ too," says Alex, pointing at the female pirate, who stands with her hands on her hips.

"Well," Joey remarks, "I feel like we're gonna need to battle this Rorik guy, and clearly, she has something out for him."

"Yeah, we don't like him," Rosanna tells Colleen. "He wasn't very nice to us." _He sorta chased us around the museum and shot at us a bunch. Not fun._

The pirate takes her hands off her hips. "I don't particularly care for him, either," she admits. "At least, not anymore." She fiddles with her hands. There's sadness underneath the rage in her eyes.

Ah. So Rorik is this woman's ex. That certainly complicates things.

"Rorik is looking for this," continues the pirate, taking out a piece of paper and revealing it to the group. It has some writing on it, and underneath that, a sketch of the seventh jeweled key.

"That's the key!" Joey exclaims. "That's the key! We need that! We need to find this treasure!"

This piques the pirate's interest. She points a finger at the group. "You help me find the treasure..."

"Okay!" says Rosanna.

The pirate grins. "You get the key."

Rosanna shrugs. Yes, this woman just had a knife to Colleen's throat, so it's a bit of a flip-flop for them to trust her now, but what other options do they have? They _really_ need that key. "How do we solidify this?" is Rosanna's final question. "How do we bond this? What's the deal?"

The pirate responds by casually spitting on two of her fingers and holding them up.

"Okay." Rosanna doesn't know what she was expecting. "Gotta spit again. Okay." She copies the pirate's spit-and-display-two-fingers action, as does everyone else.

"Follow me!" yells the pirate. "This way! Come on! Go! Go!" She breaks into a light jog.

"Go!" parrots Bretman. "She said go! Go!"

And so they do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Avast, me hearties, it's time to get exploring! Also, Rosanna's love life becomes a running joke, and Colleen gets to use a bit of her homeschool expertise.


	43. Yo Ho Ho and a Mouse in a Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group enters the Caribbean exhibit...and walks straight into a trap!

On the way over to the next exhibit, the female pirate introduces herself to the group. "The name's Jezebel," she says when asked. "Mum always liked the old stories."

_Jezebel, huh?_ Joey shrugs. _Honestly, it suits her._

They come across a door. Jezebel opens it, and the group finds themselves inside the Caribbean exhibit. It's made up to look like a pirate's lair, with candles, card tables, sumptuous couches, lots of cabinets, four little scales, shelves of pirate memorabilia, and barrels of rum sitting unattended. "Whoa," Joey gasps, blown away by the wonder of it all. "This is so cool!"

"This is nice!" Rosanna agrees.

Colleen's mouth is a hard, straight line. "All right, what are we looking for, though?"

"Okay, well, in this clue," says Joey, holding the note that Jezebel gave him, "with the key, it says..." He reads in a pirate-like voice.

_Ah, you've taken me ship! But you'll never take me treasure! The map is hidden where no man will ever find it._

Jezebel kneels beside a cabinet. "This is where we found it."

Joey opens the cabinet. Its door creaks on its hinges, spooking the Savant enough to make him yelp. "Uh oh," Rosanna commentates from behind him. "Okay, okay."

There's something in the cabinet, of course. Joey takes it out.

"What is that?" asks Alex.

Joey holds it up to the light. "Some sort of weird creepy baby skull," he remarks, showing the small skull to his friends. As he does, he notices holes in the back of the skull's small cranium. "Wait! There's holes on the back. It's, like, something that you put, like, as a key! And maybe twist!"

"It's a key!" exclaims Rosanna.

Alex and Bretman go "ooh" and "ohh."

_Off to a great start in pirate headquarters,_ thinks Joey happily.

Oh. The skull is a key. That makes sense. Alex has certainly seen a lot of keys in his death game days. None of the others were shaped like skulls, but it's hard to be surprised by anything anymore.

"Okay," says Colleen, "so do we need to find the keyhole?"

_Probably._ Alex starts looking.

"Well, not necessarily a keyhole," clarifies Joey, "but a key, like, something sticking out."

That's when Alex sees something sticking out of the wall, hidden cleverly behind a thin brown curtain. He pushes the curtain aside to reveal the keyhole they need. "Here!" he shouts, stepping aside so that his friends can see his discovery.

"Omigod, Alex for the win!" cheers Colleen.

Alex flushes. He's been feeling a lot better about himself lately, especially after Colleen's return (which is one less death on his heavy conscience) and the deathless Arabian exhibit. Now, he's back on his clue-solving game, just like he was in his prime. Maybe there's still a chance he can find the happiness he searches for.

"Okay, little skull head coming through!" giggles Rosanna, carrying the skull key to its proper keyhole. "Line up the eyeballs, and...boom!" She clicks it into place.

"Ooh, nice!" says Alex with a grin.

Rosanna surveys her handiwork. "Do we turn it?" _It's a key, right? You're supposed to turn keys, I think._

Joey nods. "I would turn it."

So Rosanna turns it. "Yeah," she grunts as a cracking sound travels into her ears, "let's give it a crank!" The noise is almost scary, but not quite.

What _is_ scary is when the skull just straight-up disappears, leaving nothing but a big black hole where the keyhole used to be.

"Oh, wow!" gasps Colleen.

"It's gone," says Alex. "Push it in!"

Rosanna, hoping to either recover the key or unlock whatever's behind this keyhole, reaches into the hole as far as she can. "What?" She expects to feel the skull, but she feels nothing. "It keeps—"

And that's when it happens. The hole abruptly closes in around Rosanna's arm, rendering the Socialite unable to pull herself back out. She screams and tries her best to wriggle her way out of the hole's death grip, and her hysterical companions grab her other arm in a team effort to yank her out themselves, but nothing works. The black hole's got her, and it won't let her go.

"Careful!" Between her trapped right arm and the way her friends are tugging on her right arm, Rosanna feels like she's being stretched to death on a medieval torture rack. "Careful! Omigod!" _I'm stuck! Is this a way to die? I didn't know the keyhole was a trap!_

To make matters worse, a sandbag falls from the ceiling, dangling by a frayed brown rope. Rosanna knows that this can't mean anything good.

Joey, Alex, and Bretman go to check out the fallen sandbag, while Colleen stays with Rosanna. "What do we do?" the Duchess shrieks, her hands on Rosanna's shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"We have to cut her arm off!" yells Jezebel, drawing a painful-looking knife from her belt. "Cut her arm off!"

_No!_ Rosanna turns pale. _Please, don't! I love my arm!_

Colleen rushes to Rosanna's defense, holding Jezebel back from performing the world's least sanitary amputation. Joey shouts "No, Ro!" before frantically turning to Alex. "What does it say?" he demands to know. "What does it say?"

Alex reads the note on the sandbag.

_You've triggered my booby trap. The cabin will fill with poison gas once the last bag falls if you haven't balanced things out._

Rosanna's heart sinks. She didn't mean to trigger the booby trap. She was only trying to help, and now, they're _all_ in danger.

"The scales!" shouts Alex, pointing at one of the four scales scattered around the room.

"The scales," echoes Bretman. "We have to balance everything out."

While everyone else turns their attention to the scales, Rosanna attempts to reason with Jezebel. "I mean," she stammers, uncomfortably conscious of the knife that Jezebel's still holding, "is there a way to get me out of here _without_ cutting off my arm?"

"That's about the only way I see it, love," says Jezebel matter-of-factly.

Rosanna scowls. "Well, that's a Plan B." The worst part about all this isn't even the potential loss of her arm, but the fact that she can't do anything to help her friends. She is dependent on all of them to balance the scales and stop the trap. Heck, she might as well _be_ a sandbag for all the good she's doing the group right now.

Bretman did _not_ survive Egypt, India, China, Britannia, Greece, and Arabia just to get gassed to death in the Caribbean exhibit. No way, honey! He's a bad bitch, badder than Nikita ever was, and he's not going to let this museum take him and his friends out so easily!

Colleen peers at the little label next to one of the scales. "Points the ship," she reads. "You guys, these are clues to something. We have to figure out what they mean."

Another sandbag comes crashing down.

"Oh, no!" screams Alex. "Okay!"

"We're running out of time," worries Joey.

Each scale has items in one half, while the other half is aloft. The trick is to balance things out. "We need items to put in here," says Bretman, pointing at the lifted half of Colleen's ship scale.

Joey stares forlornly at the scale. "I don't know what..."

"The cabin will fill with _poison gas!"_ squawks Jezebel.

_Yeah, okay, we get it, bitch,_ growls Bretman's frazzled state of mind. _Let's just start balancing shit out. Like, hello?_

"So what points the ship?" Colleen speculates. "Like, the lady! Like, the mermaid lady? She points the ship? Like, what's the front of the ship?"

Bretman doesn't know what she's talking about, but he has an idea of his own. "Maybe, like, a compass?"

"Watch out for the bags!" Alex inspects a nearby desk. "Oh, here's a compass! Okay! Here we go!" He picks up the compass and puts it in the lifted half of the scale, causing the scale to achieve balance. "Okay, that one's balanced."

_Whew. Okay. I was right. One down, two to go._

Colleen approaches the second scale. "What does this one say?" she murmurs. "Saves the thumb...a thimble! A thimble saves the thumb, so a thimble goes on this, right?" She's sown some dresses in her day, because she was homeschooled, so she knows what a thimble looks like. "There's a thimble! There's a thimble right there!"

"Very good, Colleen!" praises Joey.

"Okay!" Colleen bats away her pride in order to focus on the task at hand. "There we go! Got one!"

Joey hands the thimble to Bretman, who puts it on the second scale. The scale balances itself.

_On to the third one!_ "Stops the grog?" Colleen reads off the third scale's label, putting a confused question mark at the end of the clue. "Okay, what's a...what the heck's a grog?" That word is complete nonsense as far as she's concerned.

Joey is equally befuddled. "I've never heard of a grog before!"

"Grog? You know, getting drunk on grog?" snaps Jezebel, as if it should be obvious.

"Alcohol!" realizes Alex. "We need alcohol!"

_Hell yeah I need alcohol,_ Colleen snarks to herself. _I'm gonna need to get blackout drunk in order to forget dying twice._ She bites her lip so hard that it almost bleeds.

Bretman gulps. _Let's keep in mind that the last time we drank any alcohol, two of us got poisoned, and those two bitches died._ Thoughts of Gabbie and Tana—_especially_ Tana—unnerve him. _They deserved better._

"We need a cork." He's on the move again. "We need a cork."

Colleen grabs a bottle and pops its cork out. "A cork! Like this?"

"Yes, a cork!" exclaims Bretman. "Yes!" He takes the cork from Colleen, brings it over to the third scale, and places it in its rightful place. _That's_ three _scales balanced now._

"Got it!" rejoices Alex.

Yet another sandbag falls. Everyone screams. "Omigod," cries Joey, "was that all of them?!?"

"There's one more!" Rosanna yells from her trap, pointing upwards to the ceiling. "There's one more bag!"

They have to hurry.

"Holds the shirt," reads Colleen off the last label. "What the hell holds a shirt?" _I don't know! A chest? Boobies? Are we looking for a bra?_

"A wardrobe!" suggests Rosanna. "Is there a wardrobe?"

"A button of some sort?" proposes Joey.

Colleen's mental lightbulb flashes. "A button! Omigod, yeah! A button!" She paces back and forth, using her hands to think. "We need...like...yeah, I think you're right, I think it's a button."

Bretman springs forward and snatches a button off the shelf. "Right here!"

"Oh!" squeals Colleen. "Yay, Bretman!" Sometimes, it scares her how fast that guy can move.

"A wardrobe would be too big," reasons Rosanna.

The last scale is balanced, and a chest opens. "It worked!" whoops Joey. "It worked!"

"Oh, it worked!" Alex exclaims.

_Whew._ Colleen breathes a sigh of relief. _That was close._ They're no longer in danger of death by poison gas, but Rosanna is still stuck in the hole. _I hope we can set her free before Jezebel tries to cut her arm off again!_

"And a note," says Alex, pulling a note out of the chest.

_Think you can steal my treasure map? I know better, so I tore it in three and hid my message. You'll need to spill some grog to find the way._

Alex tosses the note aside. "We gotta spill some alcohol." He briefly wonders who's going to clean up after them _(the Collector, maybe?)_ before deciding that there are more important things to worry about at the moment.

Joey takes another piece of paper out of the same chest that the note came in. "Okay, so this is one-third of the map."

"This is grog." Alex picks up the bottle of alcohol that Colleen stole the cork from earlier. The bottle is a little bit lighter than he initially expected. "For sure."

"Yeah, do we need to spill it on this?" questions Colleen, poking at the map.

Joey pores over the note. "Yeah," he murmurs, "but what's this arrow? That's weird."

"Oh." Colleen takes a closer look. "Oh, there's raindrops."

Bretman grabs the note. "Maybe we need to spill it on this," he says, carrying the note away to where the alcohol is. "Spill it on this!" He places the note on the ground.

Alex holds the bottle over the note. "All right! I'm gonna do it!" _This is gonna be a_ huge _waste of alcohol, but if it'll get Ro out of that trap, the waste is worth it._

"Do it, do it, do it, do it!" chants Rosanna.

So Alex spills the alcohol all over the note. It's just as messy as he thought it would be.

Rosanna's so engrossed in Alex's puddle of alcoholic note that she almost forgets about her poor trapped arm, but that's before the trap retracts its vice, releasing her. She pulls her hand out to find that someone (or something) has placed a ring on her finger. _Oops._ Her cheeks burn bright pink. _Did I do it again?_

"Oh, you got out!" notes Alex.

"They put a ring on my finger!" Rosanna shows her new ring to the wide-eyed group. "Like, am I engaged again?"

Joey raises an eyebrow. "Wait," he points out with a frown, "that's the same ring that Colleen has!"

"Yeah!" perceives Colleen. "That's the same ring I have!" She compares the rings, and sure enough, they are identical.

Rosanna oohs at their twin rings. "Are we married? Did we just do nuptials?" _Am I Rosanna Ballinger, or is she Colleen Pansino, or are we doing the hyphen thing, or what?_ She's not gay, but if she had a choice of girls to marry, Colleen would probably be somewhere in the top ten.

"Oh, I love that!" Colleen laughs.

Joey's frown becomes a smile. "A pirate marriage?"

Colleen picks the wine-drenched note up off the ground. "Oh, wait, no, he was right, he was right, he was right!" she screams, showing the note to everyone. There are now new words that can be seen within the wine. "Look! He was right!"

"I was right," crows Bretman.

_Head to Pirate's Bay and stack five skulls in a line on each floating dock._

Rosanna gasps. "Shiver me timbers!" They really _are_ going full pirate around here. When do they get to wear eyepatches and peg legs?

"Pirate's Bay." A solemn look passes across Jezebel's face. "That's what I was afraid of."

_She doesn't seem all that excited about it,_ Rosanna frets. _And she's a pirate, so if_ she's _scared of Pirate's Bay..._ A whimper dies in her stomach. _Eek._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Hoist the mainsail! Batten down the hatches! Our heroes got themselves some pirating to do! Also, Alex and Bretman have fun rowing a boat, Colleen whacks someone over the head, and the pirates are heavily invested in their own relationship drama.


	44. Danger on the High Seas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew goes a-sailing in the lake of Pirate's Bay, where they tango with some scalawag pirates. Will they find the rest of the map, or will they walk the plank?

"Follow me," sighs Jezebel.

"Omigosh!" Bretman groans. "How big is this ship?"

_It's not a ship, it's an exhibit,_ corrects the smarty pants within Alex before he realizes that terminology isn't important in the least.

The YouTubers follow Jezebel to Pirate's Bay. It's a dreary lake, about a hundred feet wide, framed in unflattering black and violet colors, with human skulls floating on the surface of the water. Alex doesn't know how any kind of seafarer, pirate or otherwise, could set sail in such dark waters. The lake doesn't even look like it's going anywhere. What's the appeal?

Jezebel's whisper cuts across his thoughts. "Get down. Get down." She hides within the lake's bushes, and the others join her. "There they are."

Rorik and his crew of pirates are gathered at the dock. "Did you find anything yet?" Rorik demands to know of his shipmates.

"No," grumbles the pirate in brown and white. "We're looking."

The dreadlocked pirate yells "Found _nothing!"_ and then takes notice of one of the skulls in the water. "Isn't that Rorik's older brother?" he remarks privately to the pirate in brown and white.

"Yeah, don't let him know about that, though, he's gonna be pissed," the pirate in brown and white responds.

Alex doesn't know if he wants to laugh or scream at that. The joke would be funny if it wasn't so morbid.

Jezebel goes over the note one more time. "Stack five skulls in a line on each floating dock."

"Where's the docks?' Rosanna wonders, squinting out at the lake. Soon enough, she sees them. They're little more than two white crates in the water, but they're there. What a relief.

"Which one's your ex?" asks Colleen.

Joey points at Rorik. "The big tall man." He turns to Jezebel with a questioning expression. "What _happened_ between you guys?"

"It's complicated," mutters Jezebel.

Rosanna can already tell that Jezebel still has feelings for Rorik. It's obvious from the soft tone of voice that she uses to talk about him. _Am I the only one who's seeing this?_ Rosanna wonders. _Surely the others can tell that she still likes him, can't they?_

"Listen," hisses Jezebel. "If they leave the dock, we need to make a run for it."

Joey nods. "Okay."

"Did you find anything?" Rorik asks his crew again.

He gets replies of "no" and "found nothing" from the other pirates.

The portly lady pirate speaks up. "That means they have the map!" she exclaims angrily.

A quick gesture from Jezebel sends the YouTubers sneaking out into the open. They stay down, making themselves as small as they can so that they aren't spotted by the pirates. Rosanna whispers "quiet, quiet, down, down," which isn't very quiet at all, but the words exist more to remind herself than to remind the others.

But unfortunately, Rorik turns around at _just_ the wrong moment, and he spots the creeping group. "Grab the scalawags!"

"Go, go, go!" screams Joey. "Get on the boat! Get on the boat!"

Sneaking turns to running. Alex reaches the boats first, followed by Joey and Bretman, while Jezebel gets into a swordfight with the portly lady pirate. Rosanna and Colleen bring up the rear. Just as the two girls reach the dock, the pirate in brown and white grabs Colleen and yanks her off the dock. Seeing her friend in danger causes Rosanna to hesitate for a split millisecond _(Oh, no! Please don't hurt her! We just got her back!)_, which is just enough for her to be captured by the dreadlocked pirate.

_Crap!_

"You're with us!" cackles the dreadlocked pirate. "You're with us! Come on!"

"Put them over there!" shouts Rorik, pointing at a nearby grove with his sword.

Rosanna screams "Guys!" and reaches out to her other friends, who have just boarded a rowboat. Alex reaches out back to her, but he, Joey, and Bretman are too far away to help either of the girls.

"Sorry!" the dreadlocked pirate sneers. "Sorry! Time to die!"

A chill goes down Rosanna's spine. "This is a bad thing. This is a bad thing." _If we really_ are _about to die right now, I hope they kill me first. I don't wanna watch them kill Colleen. I've seen enough death._

Rorik, however, has different plans for his captives. "Tie them up!" he orders his subordinates once they've reached the grove.

"Oh, oh." Rosanna squirms away from the pirates' touch. "Are we sure we wanna do this? We're..." She shivers in response to the chill of her new chains. "I'm little!"

"Shut your mouth!" the pirate in brown and white hollers, and Rosanna bites her lip to keep from crying.

"Omigosh!" Joey's heart is screaming at him to save Colleen and Rosanna, but his brain knows that they'll be safe as long as he does what he's supposed to do. "Okay, it's up to us." He, Bretman, and Alex row the boat out onto the lake.

They make it a few inches away from the dock before two of the pirates go after them.

"Oh, no!" Joey's stomach drops. "They're getting on a boat!"

"Go after them!" yells Rorik.

_We have company!_ "Omigod, they're coming after us! Grab the skull!"

"You got the skulls," says Alex. "We got the paddling."

Bretman pulls the skull out of the water...and then immediately tosses it away.

"No, Bretman!" Joey screams. "We _need_ the skull!" He _really_ wants to bash his head against the side of the boat. Yes, he loves his friends, and he wants them to survive, but sometimes, they can be really, really stupid!

The pirates' boat is drawing near. Joey can feel beads of sweat against his skin. How long does he have before he can't row anymore?

Colleen makes a disgruntled face. "Well, _now_ what do we do?" She's been alive for less than twenty minutes, and she's already been captured twice. Some welcome-back party _this_ is!

"I don't know," squeaks Rosanna. "I feel—"

"Can we get out?" Colleen checks her chains. "Is there a way to get out of here?" _There usually is, if you look hard enough._

Rosanna tries her own chains. "Let's see if we can...omigosh, look! We can pull these!" She pulls back and forth, acting like a child with a toy.

"There's a map...wait, focus, please!" Colleen cries, momentarily distracted by Rosanna's short attention span.

Rosanna keeps tugging. "Oh, they're so heavy!"

"Ro!" shouts Colleen. "Focus!" She looks out to the lake and sees the boys in a rowboat chase with some pirates. "There's a skull right here, guys! Guys, hurry up! There's a skull right here!"

The portly female pirate swaggers her way to where the girls are being kept. "What do we have here?" she taunts. "Crying little babies!"

_Ignore her. Sticks and stones._ "Joey, behind you! There's a skull right here behind you!"

"Hey!" barks the portly female pirate. "I'm talking to you right now!"

"We're engaged to pirates, and we have rings to prove it!" Rosanna claims.

"Oh, are you?" The portly female pirate gets uncomfortably close to Colleen, her sword pointing right at the Duchess's neck. "You've got big mouths for being tied up. That's what I think. And as soon as Captain comes back, you're gonna walk the plank! And _you,"_ she snaps to Rosanna, "we're gonna drag off the end!"

Rosanna frowns. "Why can't _I_ walk off the plank?" she protests indignantly.

"Why are you letting these men win?" questions Colleen, trying to appeal to the portly lady pirate's sense of feminism.

But the portly lady pirate is quick with an answer. "They're my crew."

_You need a lesson from 2019, Little Miss Pirate,_ Colleen internally lectures her captor, _because women should stick together, y'all!_

Bretman, still embarrassed from his mistake, zeroes in on some skulls up ahead. "There's three right there!"

"There's more skulls over there," pants Joey. "Quick."

"Chase after them!" Rorik screams.

"We're _trying_ over here!" the pirate in brown and white yells back.

Rorik's expression is incredulous. "They don't even know how to row!"

_Speak for yourself, bitch,_ seethes Bretman. _You're not even in a damn boat. You're just letting your little minions do all the work._ He pulls another skull out of the water. This time, he makes sure to toss it into the boat instead of into the lake.

"Good job," says Joey. "Good job, guys."

All of a sudden, Rorik fires a cannon at them. The shell misses the boat, thank God, but it _does_ land a few feet away, splashing water all over the boys. Joey screams. So do Colleen and Rosanna, who are still in chains on the shore.

"Jesus!" Colleen shrieks. "Hurry up! What are you doing?"

The pirates' boat is now within striking distance of the YouTubers' boat. "Omigod!" screams Joey. "They're coming! They're so close!"

Alex grabs a bucket from the boat, fills it with water, and throws it at the pirates. The pirates call him a "scalawag" and hurl water back at him. Before long, Bretman finds himself caught in the middle of a full-blown water fight between the two boats.

Joey is still freaking out. "Go, go, go! Row faster! Row faster!"

_I'm rowing as fast as I can!_

"So we gotta put five on each dock, in a line," Alex reminds them.

Joey's quietly counting "one, two" when he's interrupted by another cannon blast. More screaming ensues. Bretman's lungs feel sore.

"Can we stop that?!?" Colleen pleads. The noise of the cannon fire unnerves her, as does the threat to her friends' lives.

"Beautiful, Captain!" cheers the portly lady pirate. "Beautiful!"

It's then that Colleen notices an empty bottle that has been left conspicuously unattended. An awful, evil, wonderful idea pops into her muddled head. "Look out!" she whispers to her friend. "Ro, Ro, Ro, Ro, Ro!"

"I got you," assures Rosanna.

"No! Listen! Ro, come here!" Colleen waves Rosanna over. "There's a bottle here. If I can reach the bottle, we can smash it on this queen's head."

Rosanna beams. "Love it."

"Because she's not willing to do teamwork with women," grunts Colleen as she and Rosanna help each other get to the bottle.

"They call it..." Rosanna picks up the bottle. "They call it a wench. You gotta hit this wench."

"You wanna do it?" asks Colleen.

Rosanna shakes her head.

_All right, then._ Colleen sets her jaw. _I'll do it by myself._

As he keeps looking for skulls, Alex amuses himself by listening to Rorik berate his fellow pirates. "They're _that_ way!" the captain screams. "Why are you coming to me?!?"

"We lost them in the fog!" whines the dreadlocked pirate.

Rorik is unimpressed. "Turn around! Bloody whiskers, what are you doing?"

Alex feels a childish sense of self-satisfaction. _Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! You can't get us!_ This time, he really _does_ laugh, albeit only for a second, and never has a chortle felt so strange.

The boys reach the first floating dock, having acquired the skulls they need. "Okay, so five on each one?" Joey climbs onto the dock and reaches backwards. "Gimme a skull."

Alex hands him one skull at a time, and Joey lines them all up in a row. Soon enough, the first floating dock is complete. "Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go!" shouts Alex, urgency coursing through his veins.

"Okay, we got skulls," says Joey, climbing back into the boat moments before it pulls away from the dock. "How many do we have?"

"Come on, come on, I can't do this..." puffs Alex between strokes of his oar.

Bretman sits up straight in the boat. "You guys, the bucket!"

The pirates are coming back. Bretman distracts them by throwing more buckets of water at their boat. "Trying to drown me, are ya?" yells the dreadlocked pirate, bemusement hidden in the crinkles of his outrage.

"Get 'em!" Joey cheers.

Honestly, Alex thinks that this would be a fun water fight if not for the fact that all of their lives are at stake.

"So excited for you to die tonight!" gushes the portly lady pirate in a voice of condescending joy.

Colleen replies with a not-quite-grateful "Oh, thank you!" that's laced in deadly sugar. Then, the second the portly lady pirate turns her back, Colleen strikes, smashing the bottle against the back of her jailer's head. The portly lady pirate collapses without another word.

Rosanna pumps her fists as high as her chains will allow. "Get her!"

With the portly lady pirate down for the count, Colleen can now check her body. "She's got a key on her!" _Well, that sure is convenient! Good thing I thought to get all violent, or else we might be about to walk the plank!_

"Okay, get that key," breathes Rosanna.

So Colleen gets the key, then proceeds to unlock herself and Rosanna. With that done, she inspects the general area, leading her to find an old map (not the one they need, but useful nonetheless). "Okay, we have the map."

"There's a pen," says Rosanna. "What do we do with this?"

"What are we supposed to do?" Colleen wonders. This means something. Clues _always_ mean something. They're more trustworthy than people in that regard. But where's the path from the clue to the answer? Is it hidden in plain sight?

Bretman nods to the skulls at the bottom of the boat. "Is this five?" _I think it's five. I swear to God, if I miscounted..._

"Yeah," says Joey breathlessly. "Okay."

The boys' boat pulls up next to the second floating dock. "Throw it on there!" whispers Alex. "Throw it on there!"

"Quick!" Joey cries. "They're coming!"

Bretman tosses skulls onto the floating dock, one by one. They end up in an unorganized cluster that’s not at all like the ones on the other dock, but that doesn't matter, does it?

Next to him, Alex counts the skulls as they land. "Two...three...four..."

Rorik's third cannonball lands close enough to their boat to splash them. Joey screams again. Bretman nearly falls out of the boat.

"Go!" Alex shouts.

But it's hard for them to go anywhere when they're between the floating dock and the edge of the lake, and as if _that's_ not enough, the pirates are closing in on them. "I've got the net," the dreadlocked pirate tells his comrade. "I've got the net!"

_So they're gonna catch us with a net?_ Bretman wrinkles his nose in disgust. _What are we, fishes?_

Alex uses his oar to splash the pirates. "Go, go!" He turns his head to Bretman. "You gotta paddle harder on that side. Harder that side."

Figuring he might as well go back to being a distraction like the bad bitch that he is, Bretman fills up his bucket and throws more water on the pirates.

"Aah!" The pirate in brown and white winces. "That's cold!"

_It_ better _be, bitch._

"Oh, look!" Colleen exclaims. "There's a combination, Ro! We have to figure this out!"

Rosanna scoots closer to get a good look. _Another combination. I think we've solved a million of these bad boys by now._ "Okay, how many numbers? Letters?"

"Okay, there's three, and it's numbers." Colleen picks up a box. "Is this a thing? Hello? Give me a clue, queen." She opens it.

"Look on this box," suggests Rosanna, hovering over another box.

But Colleen has already found two pieces of paper in her box. "Aah! Found a clue!"

"What does it say!" Rosanna hurries over to where Colleen is. Despite their circumstances, she's excited. "What does it say?"

_Hid the piece of the map between coordinates Jezebel has never sailed._

"Okay, and then we have this," continues Colleen, moving on to the second paper. "Sailing Ledger. Voyage One, Voyage Two, Voyage Three."

The puzzle isn't complete for Rosanna. "Where has she never sailed?" If the ledger only contains the places Jezebel _has_ sailed, that doesn't narrow it down very much. That piece of the map could be anywhere!

Colleen consults the map. "So is this...so is this Jezebel's voyage?"

"Yes," confirms Rosanna, and in that instant, she finally gets it.

_Use my captain's log to trace my journeys._

"Voyage One: Georgetown to...what?" Colleen double-checks the ledger. "Okay, got it."

"Here's Georgetown," says Rosanna, pointing it out on the map.

"That's why we need the pen!" realizes Colleen. "We need the pen!" She bounces in place.

Rosanna hunts around for a pen. "Yeah, let's do this. Let's do this. Let's do this." _The boys are fighting pirates for us. They'll be surprised when they realize that we've not only saved ourselves, but retrieved a piece of the map for them._

"We did it!" cheers Alex. "On each dock, there's two docks, five skulls! We did it!"

"Didn't we need to stack it?" Bretman frets.

Joey can't remember. "Read the note." He pulls it out from the bottom of the boat; it's drenched in water and barely legible, so he needs to narrow his eyes in order to read it. "Okay. Head to Pirate's Bay and stack five skulls in a line on each floating dock."

"In a line!" emphasizes Bretman.

"In a line?!?" gasps Alex.

Bretman shakes his head. "That's not in a line."

"Oh!" groans Joey. "Bretman!" _Great! Now we have to go back and correct Bretman's mistake! Thanks a lot, Bretman! If the pirates catch us with their net, I blame you!_

Bretman tries to defend himself by declaring "You guys said just throw it in there!"

"We didn't!" denies Joey.

"You _literally_ said that!" Bretman insists.

Drowning seems better than this conversation.

"Georgetown to West Trask." Rosanna marks the places off on her map. _Process of elimination. Not too hard._ "Okay, got it."

"West Trask to Pelaez, Peleaz to the New Colony," reads Colleen, no doubt butchering the pronunciation of Pelaez.

Rosanna says "okay" and checks of Peleaz and the New Colony. "Next."

Colleen keeps reading. "Voyage Two. Black Wolf Isle to Brysonia."

"Black Wolf Isle?" mumbles Rosanna, marking it off. "Okay, here we go. To Brysonia." She marks Brysonia as well. "Got it. Kay."

"And Voyage Three, Coppelega to Wenchleton," rattles off Colleen.

With a little "gotcha, boom," Rosanna draws lines through both places. _This is kinda fun,_ she thinks. _It's like a game. A_ nice _game, not the game of death we've all been playing._

"And then Wenchleton to Phearson Island."

"Okay! Down! Going south!"

"Okay." It doesn't take Colleen long to find out what's left. "Two-one-seven!"

Rosanna nods her head. "Yep."

"So that's gotta be the combination!" concludes Colleen. "We got this, girl!" She plugs the numbers into the lock. "Yes! We did it!"

"Yes, yes, yes," celebrates Rosanna quietly.

Inside the box is the second piece of the treasure map. "Oh!" Colleen plucks it out of of its box. "Here!"

A smile envelops Rosanna's small face. _We did it! We found the second piece!_ She can't _wait_ to show the boys how well she and Colleen did for themselves. _They're gonna be_ so _proud of us!_

It's not Bretman's fault the skulls aren't in a straight line! The other guys told him to just toss the damn things! And now they've got amnesia and don't remember telling him that, which sure is convenient. Whatever. He'll still fix this, because he's the most useful member of the whole group.

The boys row back to the second floating dock. Bretman stands up in the boat, his legs wobbling underneath him.

"Okay, careful," says Joey."

"Careful," Alex warns. "Be careful. You got it."

Bretman hops up onto the dock, then sets to work lining up the skulls.

Joey watches him nervously. "Okay. Line it up nice and straight. Not that you know what being straight's like!"

_Oh, ha ha, funny._

Once Bretman's done with the skulls, he prepares to leap back into the boat, but Alex doesn't seem cool with that idea. "No!" he gasps. "Don't jump!"

"Don't knock us over, Bretman!" snaps Joey.

_Fine, bitch._ Bretman carefully steps back into the boat, but he still rocks it a little. Joey screams.

"Omigosh!" hollers Alex.

Joey, once he's recovered his bearings, scowls. "Good job, Bretman!" There is obvious sarcasm in his tone.

Of course, the pirates choose _now_ to show up again. Amid Alex's cries of "distract them," Bretman leaps into action, throwing bucket after bucket of water on those buccaneer bitches. _Their clothes are probably_ soaked _by now. I hope they have itchy underwear for the rest of the week._

"Paddle!" shouts Joey. "Paddle! Paddle!"

What follows is a short chase past the dock and to the shore. The pirates keep up with the YouTubers, cackling about how they're going to "get 'em," but Bretman tunes them out for the sake of his own sanity. _God, Nikita, you should see this shit,_ he snorts in the privacy of his own head.

"Slow down, slow down," says Joey as the boys' boat approaches the shore.

"Go, Bretman!" Alex yells. "Go! Jump!"

Bretman jumps out of the boat and onto the shore. He lands _hella_ gracefully, if he does say so himself. Ignoring the cheering from his friends, he runs up to a box that's waiting for him on the bank, then opens it. "We got the map!" He proudly waves a piece of the map in the air.

_Holy crap,_ thinks Alex, _that was exhausting, but also kinda fun?_ Now that the fear of being killed by pirates has worn off a bit, he's left with only the joy and excitement of their boating trip. _Maybe I was wrong. Maybe tonight's more than just a slog of hopelessness and misery._

Joey and Alex exit the boat, and the three guys start running to rejoin the girls. "Okay," wheezes Joey, "we have two pieces of the map now."

"Do I have to do _everything_ meself?" Rorik screams at his pirates, who are still out on the lake.

"Well, I mean," the pirate in brown and white shoots back, "it would've helped if you would've _helped,_ is all we're saying. They're getting away! Look!"

"They're getting away!" repeats the dreadlocked pirate.

Alex grins.

The group reunites in the grove. "Is it clear?" Joey asks Colleen.

"Yes!" hisses Colleen. "Come here, come here, come here!"

"Okay, we got a map piece," says Joey.

Colleen shows Joey her own piece that she and Rosanna acquired. _Oh, wow,_ Alex silently gasps. _That's all of them._

Joey looks like he's about to cry of happiness. "We got the three pieces!"

"We got 'em!" cheers Colleen. "We got 'em!"

"Let's connect them." Joey lays a piece down. Alex and Colleen put the other two pieces with it, and soon, a whole map is formed. "This is the captain's quarters," the Savant points out.

Alex is beginning to get lost in the familiar world of puzzles and clues, but that world is soon invaded by the sudden appearance of Rorik. "I'm coming for you!" declares the pirate captain, stomping at a leisurely pace towards the corner group.

"Oh, the captain's coming!" panics Alex. "The captain's coming!" _Can I take him in a fight, if it comes to that?_

"Hands off the map!" barks Rorik.

The other pirates are not amused. "Oh, _now_ you decided to do some work, eh, Captain?" jeers the dreadlocked pirate.

A shout of "Blast the lot of you!" diverts the attention of pirate and YouTuber alike. It's Jezebel, eyes almost scarlet, longsword at her side, poised at Rorik's unattended cannon. She looks ethereal in the light, like a vision of badass beauty. Alex's heart makes funny noises in his chest.

Jezebel fires the cannon at the pirates on the lake, capsizing their boat. Both pirates fall screaming into the drink.

"Aah!" screams Colleen. "Stop it!"

"She's helping us," murmurs Alex with what little breath he has left.

Rorik marches towards his ex-girlfriend. "Oh, I love you, Jezebel," he growls, "but you've betrayed me for the _last_ goddamn time!"

"If you loved me," retorts Jezebel, "you'd make me your equal!" She charges at him, and the two throw themselves into a lovers' duel.

Rosanna presses her hand against her mouth. "Oh, jeez, they're fighting now!"

Jezebel and Rorik trade blows while screaming at each other. Meanwhile, the other pirates dog-paddle back to shore. All of Pirates' Bay is thrown into utter chaos beyond anything it's likely to have seen.

"Imagine killing your ex!" exclaims Bretman.

"She has a lot of pent-up anger," Joey observes.

"Go!" Alex leans forward to get a better view of the fight. "Watch out!" _Oh, man, no wonder they broke up._

The swordfight travels all the way to the edge of the dock, where Jezebel lunges to counter Rorik's parries while displaying some impressing moves of her own. "Go!" she screams at the group, her voice breaking, and Alex can see shades of Alison.

"Grab the map!" yells Joey. "Let's go!"

Rorik kicks Jezebel into the lake. She lands with a splash that somehow doesn't drench her ex. Alex briefly fears the worst before remembering that Jezebel's too much of a bona fide badass to die from being lightly kicked into Pirate's Bay.

The YouTubers make a break for it.

"Chase after them!" Rorik orders his men.

Joey waves his friends onward. "Come on!"

"Little fast feet!" chants Rosanna. "Little fast feet! Little fast feet!"

_So_ much has happened in the time they've been at Pirates' Bay. The lake still looks dreary and foreboding, but at least Alex has some decent memories attached to it now, which is more than he can say for most of the rest of the museum. Who knows? If they play their cards right and remain united, maybe this could be their new Arabia. Maybe none of the YouTubers in the group will have to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Argh! It's the attack of the pirates! Also, Colleen is a feminist, Rosanna knows what parley means, Alex falls in love again, and Bretman likes nice hats.


	45. Pirates Don't Attend Couples Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes are in danger of being murdered by some pirates who are caught in the middle of a _very_ dysfunctional relationship! Will Rorik and Jezebel work things out? More importantly, is someone about to die?

Joey, Alex, Colleen, Bretman, and Rosanna reenter the Caribbean exhibit. "Okay," whispers Joey, "coast is clear." He hopes that the other pirates don't think to invade the exhibit for a while. There's still _so_ much work that needs to be done.

"Okay, so..." Colleen places the three pieces of the map on the table. "We lay out the map? Let's see..."

Everyone gathers around. "This is the table," says Joey, his fingers running across its symbol on the map. "There's supposed to be some sort of pirate hat here. Okay. So we need a dagger, a telescope..." They need to connect the objects on the map to physical objects in the room in the specific spot that the map shows.

"There's the hat!" yells Alex, gesturing to where the pirate hat is hiding on a shelf.

"Bring the hat here," Joey tells him. "Put it in the center."

Suddenly, Jezebel comes running into the room.

"Omigosh!" shouts Joey. "You're alive!" _I thought Rorik killed her! I thought she drowned when he kicked her into the water!_ He adjusts his coat. _Maybe I should stop assuming that everyone we meet is gonna die._

Jezebel catches her breath against the table, then straightens up. "Yeah, what'd you find?"

_A lot, actually._

_Why are we still working in cahoots with the crazy pirate who tried to cut my damn throat open?_ Colleen seethes to herself. _Yeah, she held off Rorik for us, but I still don't trust her. She'll the type who'll stab us in the back first chance she gets._

"We found the pieces of the map," Joey explains.

"We're working on it still," sighs Colleen, "but if we give it to you, are you gonna betray us? Because, I don't know, you pirates seem a little sketchy." _Never trust a pirate! Didn't you guys listen to any stories growing up?_

Jezebel chortles. "Of _course_ I'm not going to _betray_ you." She says this in a slithery voice that only makes Colleen feel even _more_ suspicious.

"You _are_ a pirate," Alex points out.

Colleen narrows her eyes at Jezebel. "I'm just making sure you're not gonna betray us."

But Jezebel isn't even paying attention to Colleen anymore. She's focused on Alex. "I thought we had a real connection," the pirate murmurs.

"Wait, what?" Did Colleen miss a love story or something? Since when were Alex and Jezebel a thing? "Did something happen?"

Alex blushes and stammers in the face of Jezebel's charm. He'll never be one hundred percent over Lauren Riihimaki, but he thinks that he's over her _just_ enough to love again, and _damn._ Jezebel fits the bill of the perfect girl to an absolute T. Smart, strong, beautiful, badass...he'd _definitely_ swipe right on her if Purgatory ever got a Tinder.

_"Alex!"_ shrieks Rosanna, scandalized.

"Oh." Alex's face turns even redder than it already was. "Sorry." _I just think she's neat, that's all._

"We're wasting time," says Joey. "We need to find a dagger, and we need to find a telescope."

Everyone gets looking. A minute into the search, Colleen shouts "Oh, here's a telescope!" and produces one from the shelves. It's small enough to fit into her hands, but it's still a striking sight.

"Perfect!" cheers Rosanna. "Yes!" She cocks her head. "A dagger..."

"Does it have to be a _dagger_ dagger?" Bretman wants to know.

"Wait." Joey pulls a small dagger out from a barrel. "Is this it?"

Alex shrugs. It's a dagger, all right, so it should work. "Yeah, that looks like a dagger, yup. That's a dagger."

"That is a dagger if I've ever seen a dagger," says Joey, taking it from Colleen.

"So where does this go?" asks Colleen. "This goes over here?"

"I'm gonna place it here," says Joey, putting it on the shelf.

Alex picks up the pirate's hat. "The hat's in the middle." He gingerly rests it on top of the map. "And then..."

A secret door rumbles open. Everyone jumps and screams, but much to Alex's pleasant surprise, there is nothing scary behind the door. There are only chests filled to the brim with treasure—gold coins, silver pieces, and every type of jewel. And resting on top of this heap of riches is the seventh jeweled key.

"The key!" Alex grabs the key and happily shows it off to the group. "We've got the key!" _And no one had to die for us to get it!_

The group celebrates. Joey and Rosanna jump up and down like kangaroos, tossing coins into the air, before ecstatically hugging it out. Jezebel rushes over and pulls Alex into a close embrace, her smile glowing bright like a sea of lanterns on the water.

Alex is practically crying with joy as he sweeps Jezebel off her feet. This, then, is how it feels. He's happy. He's finally, _finally_ happy.

And that's when the other pirates break down the door.

"Get your hands off me treasure!" roars Rorik, pointing his sword at the suddenly terrified group. His fellow pirates draw and aim their guns.

_Oh, no, the pirates!_ Rosanna's hands fly up. _Please, go away, we were having a nice moment!_ She wordlessly screams for mercy as she and her friends bunch together in front of the chests of treasure.

"Boys," Rorik orders his men, "shoot these fools and gather me loot!"

"No, no, no, no!" begs Rosanna, her pleas mingling with the pleas of all her friends.

Thankfully, before their mission can end in a hail of gunfire, Jezebel steps forward, a white flag in her hand. "I demand parley!"

"Pirate's law," says Alex.

"Dammit!" Rorik throws his sword to the ground. "Fine!" He takes Jezebel by the arm and tugs her a little ways away from the rest of the chaotic scene. She smiles an all-according-to-plan kind of smile.

"We have a white glove!" yells Rosanna, taking off one of her gloves and waving it around. "Parley!" She's _very_ glad for Jezebel's quick thinking. If it wasn't for their pirate ally, they might all be dead by now.

It doesn't take long for the two exes to start yelling at each other. "You choose which one to live," bellows Rorik, "and I'll kill the rest!"

"No, don't kill them, please!" cries Jezebel.

But Rorik doesn't let up. "I said I'm gonna kill them, one bitch at a time!"

Joey tosses a handful of gold coins at the quarreling pirates. At the same time, Jezebel slaps Rorik across the face, _hard,_ and the other pirates laugh uproariously at their humiliated captain. Rosanna stands back and watches the fireworks, wondering if this will go the way that she's always suspected it could go.

Rorik is almost contemplative for a brief, quiet moment. Then, all of a sudden, he grabs Jezebel and kisses her. Jezebel responds eagerly, and the two pirates end up in a passionate tryst against the table.

"Omigod!" exclaims Colleen. "What is happening?"

Rosanna chuckles. "I knew it. These two." _They still love each other. Just as I thought._

Last time Bretman checked, Miss Jezebel didn't even _like_ her ex, and she was trying to kill him. Now, they're making out on the table. What even _is_ this shit?

The portly lady pirate's face turns puke-green with disgust. "Oh, I can't look at this, I'm gonna be sick!"

"I thought we had something!" Alex shouts at Jezebel.

Jezebel and Rorik come up for air, and Rorik turns to the rest of the group with a blushing smile. "Out of the goodness of my black heart," he declares, "I've decided you can have the key."

"All right!" whoops Alex.

"Thank you," says Joey.

_Wait for it,_ thinks Bretman.

"But," Rorik continues, "one of you must die for crossing my path."

_There it is._

Colleen knew it. She _knew_ that these damn pirates weren't to be trusted. And now, somebody's going to die again, because that's how it always goes. It's the cycle of death. They're all just along for the ride.

Joey rolls his eyes in saddened resignation. "Of course."

"Let them prove themselves!" Jezebel suggests to Rorik. "Let them prove themselves!"

Rorik yells "I know!" back at her. Then, he turns his dangerous attention back to the group. "So all of you must take the pirate's test, and the last one through will be shot!"

The pirates all laugh as if that's the funniest joke they've ever heard. One of them snickers "the one with the glasses," and Colleen feels a surge of sudden protectiveness towards Joey.

"Wait!" Rorik fixes his eyes on Colleen and Rosanna. "You two are already pirate worthy!"

_Hold up!_

"What?" squawks Rosanna.

Rorik gestures to the girls' identical rings. "You've got the rings!"

"So what, so..." Rosanna waves her ringed hand around, confusion and relief in concert within her expression. "So that. Yeah."

_The two women are the most piratey of all the people here!_ Colleen grins. _Don't cross a woman, honey!_ At least her and Rosanna's rings have granted them a break from whatever fresh hell the pirates have in store.

Technically, they don't have to listen to _anything_ the pirates have to say. Alex still has the key. If he and his friends can somehow make a run for it without being shot—

"Give me the key!" Rorik demands.

_What? Um!_ "Should I give him the key!"

"No!" cries Colleen. "Don't give him the key!"

Rorik proceeds to menace Alex with his sword, clearly meaning to run the Aviator through. "Give. Me. The key."

"Okay! Okay! All right!" Alex gives up the key. At this point, holding on to it just isn't worth the risk. He, Bretman, and Joey just have to take the pirate's test, whatever that is, and pray that they'll earn another miracle. "All right, you got the key."

"We'll be outside waiting for the rest of you," says Rorik as he heads for the door. The other pirates follow suit.

"Wait!" Alex desperately appeals to Jezebel, hoping that she'll remember their connection and spare the group. "It's not too late! It's not too late!"

Jezebel chirps "Good luck, you guys!" and blows Alex kisses.

"Hey, hey!" The dreadlocked pirate points his gun at Alex. "Too much lip!" He and the portly lady pirate push Jezebel out of the room, leaving the YouTubers all alone.

Alex immediately kicks himself for trying. "Dammit!" _First the belly dancers, now Jezebel! Why is love so elusive?_

Well, the group's streak of good luck was awesome while it lasted, but of _course_ the rest of the night won't be so easy. "Listen." Joey's doing his best to process the scene that just played out. "So you two don't have to go in because you have the rings?"

"Right," says Colleen. "I _think_ that's what he said."

Joey can't stand to look at Alex or Bretman. "So it's the three of us."

"It's a pirate's test?" mumbles Rosanna, her cheeriness replaced with a trembling sort of dread.

"If it's what we have to do," Joey sighs, "it's what we have to do." _I'm sorry. I don't want any more of us to die. I wish we could go back to when we still had hope for our futures._

Alex solemnly picks up the pirate's hat and places it on Bretman's head. "Good luck, guys."

"No matter what happens to the three of us," Joey says, a promise skirting around the edges of his cracked heart, "we need to come back and get out of here alive."

Joey, Alex, and Bretman leave for the pirate's test. Colleen watches them go, her hands curled against her dress, her lungs inhaling and exhaling air at a rate slow enough to keep her reasonably calm. She hopes that there's some way that all three boys can come back alive, because the group needs _all_ the help they can get to get out of here.

"Colleen?"

The Duchess regards her friend out of the corner of her eye. "Yeah, Ro?"

"I'm sorry." Rosanna sounds like she's on the verge of breaking down. "I know I should've said this sooner, but I'm _so,_ so sorry. I never should've helped them hurt you. If I could go back in time..."

"Oh, Ro..." Colleen's heart softens. She didn't realize it until just now, but she's already forgiven Rosanna Pansino. The little Socialite has been nothing but kind and supportive throughout their time in Purgatory, and what's more, she admitted to voting for Alex at the maze, which means that she wasn't involved in Colleen's second death. Her long-overdue apology can be accepted with open arms. "It's okay." Colleen smiles lovingly, tears welling up in her eyes. "I forgive you."

Rosanna bursts into tears and throws herself into Colleen's arms. Colleen returns the embrace, smiling through her whirlwind emotions, wishing that she could forgive the rest of the world so easily.

"I don't want us going to Hell," Rosanna sobs into Colleen's coat. "I wanna see Matt...Colleen, we're gonna get out of here, aren't we?"

Colleen can't promise that, no matter how much she wishes she could, but she _can_ ease Rosanna's pain another way. It's time to tell her the truth about their dead friends' post-Purgatory afterlife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter (sung to the tune of "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest"):  
♪Three brave guests going head-to-head  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum  
Two will survive it while one ends up dead  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum  
The girls both get to sit back and chill  
The boys are trapped in a test of will  
But one will prove he's got the skills  
Another fights to keep his vow  
The third, alas, is going down  
You better grab those handkerchiefs now  
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum♪


	46. This is How I Disappear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahoy, mateys! It's a buccaneer gauntlet! Alex, Bretman, and Joey compete to win the respect of the pirates, but alas, somebody's got a date with Davy Jones's locker...

This is Bretman's second death challenge. His first one didn't go too well, but it wasn't _his_ fault that Alex and Rosanna were too blind to see true storytelling prowess when they saw it. It's different this time. He is _more_ than prepared for the pirate's test. He did track in high school. There's _nothing_ he can't do, honey!

Pirate's Bay looks bleak in the moonlight. _Davy Jones's locker,_ Bretman remembers from some long-forgotten high school history class. It occurs to him that this would be an ugly place to die.

_Please, if there's a God up there, make sure I don't die ugly._

The pirate crew is waiting for them, as are three brown barrels. "Stand next to your barrel," Rorik tells the YouTubers.

Alex sighs. "Which one you want?"

"I'll go in the middle," mumbles Joey.

He does so. Alex takes the barrel on the left, leaving Bretman with the one on the right. The Playboy softly grasps the edges of his barrel, hoping that no one will notice how much his hands are shaking. _I'm a bad bitch. I'm not gonna die here._ Maybe he'll make himself believe his own head.

Alex isn't _that_ worried (at least, not as much as he probably _should_ be). This is just another game. He'll do everything in his power to win, not just for Lauren and DeStorm and everyone else, but for _him._ He deserves a good life. He wishes that he'd realized that sooner.

He points at Jezebel, who's standing with her fellow pirates. "What could've been." _I hope you made the right choice._

She blows him a kiss.

"It's time to determine if you've got pirate blood in ya," announces Rorik. "You're gonna roll one barrel from here to there." He points to a wooden station with a pitcher and tankards of ale. "Take a drink of ale, and roll it right back. Next, you'll stand yonder." The next station he's referring to is a slingshot station, featuring bottles propped up as targets. "Take aim with your slingshot, and knock down one bottle. And last, you'll row to the dock, grab a Jolly Roger, and come on back."

"And what's a Jolly Rancher?" Alex asks.

Rorik ignores him. "Go!"

With a sharp squeal of _"Now?"_ from Joey, the pirate race begins.

_Do I have pirate's blood in me?_ Alex takes off with his rolling barrel as a breeze rustles through his black hair and chills his goosebumped skin. _I guess I'll find out._

Joey's no stranger to this sort of death gauntlet. His strategy is to just focus on himself and not let the competition get in his head. _I don't have to get first place,_ he tells his quickening heart. _I just have to beat one of them. Just one. That's all it takes._

He frantically rolls his barrel towards the ale station, as do Alex and Bretman. The three of them remain neck-and-neck the whole way. Joey's close enough to see the sweat on Alex's face and the minor flaws in Bretman's makeup.

_I have to beat one of them, and then...oh, God. It isn't fair. They've come so far. I hate this awful game._

They all reach the ale station at roughly the same time, so it's still anyone's race at this point. "Drop the barrel!" the dreadlocked pirate shouts at them. "Just drink the ale! Drink it!"

"Come on!" jeers the portly lady pirate. "Drink it!"

_Jeez, okay!_ Joey snatches a tankard full of ale. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Bretman already in the process of draining his own alcoholic cup. Which is fine. That guy's probably used to nights on the club. Of _course_ he'd be good at this. It's fine. There's nothing wrong.

The ale tastes like what Joey imagines poison would taste like.

Bretman downs his ale as if he's freakin' dehydrated. It's crap quality, but he's had worse, so he ignores the taste in favor of focusing on the crazy course of pirate shit before him.

"Faster! You can drink that!" barks the dreadlocked pirate.

_Done!_ Bretman slams his empty tankard down, grabs his barrel, channels the buzz of the booze in his favor, and gets back to rolling

The portly lady pirate takes note of his feat. "Oh, look at him!" Then, to Joey, "You're slower than everybody else."

As it turns out, Bretman's track credentials are even _more_ of a help than he thought they would be. Even with the barrel to deal with, he zooms across the bank, feeling like the wind on a hit of speed. The temperature around him drops with each pace. He tries not to think about home.

He's halfway across the field when he notices that Joey has just started following in his fast footsteps. Alex, meanwhile, is still at the ale station.

"Loser!"

"Drink it!"

Bretman grits his teeth, turns a corner, and lets his barrel roll off to the side. _Screw you, bitches!_ He charges towards the next stop. _You can all kiss my big fat ass!_

Joey is the second to complete the first leg of the pirate's test. "Bye, barrel!" His head is ringing with pain as he lets his barrel go. "Oh, God, I think I'm drunk!"

Behind him, Alex yells "I got it!" and finally gets his barrel moving.

"You are the worst pirate ever!" Rorik sneers at the Aviator. "Can't even roll a barrel!"

_No one asked for your opinion, Rorik,_ Joey holds himself back from snapping. He knows that he probably shouldn't feel so defensive of a friend that he very well might lose, but he can't help it. Both Alex and Bretman deserve better than this pirate's test.

_What about you?_ snigger his repressed demons. _You_ don't _deserve better, right?_

Never mind that. It's on to the slingshot challenge. "How the hell do these work?!?"

"Okay!" As he reaches the second leg of the pirate's test, Alex lets out a breath that he didn't know he was holding. His barrel harmlessly rolls away. A grin skitters across his sweat-stained face.

"Go!" shrieks Jezebel. "Go, go, go! Run!"

"Don't cheer him on!" protests the portly lady pirate.

Jezebel shrugs. "I like that one."

_She likes me._ Alex feels oddly giddy, which is not an appropriate mood for a death challenge, but whatever. After all the misery and heartbreak he's endured, it's nice to have a glimpse of something that's at least _close_ to hope.

Joey's first attempt with his slingshot is a humiliating failure; he doesn't even get two feet. "This is bad," he whines.

"Are you even aiming?" hollers Rorik incredulously.

_I don't know, Captain. You're the pirate. You're supposed to be good at this. Why don't you tell me?_ "Was that too high or too low?"

"You need to change your glasses!" Rorik snarks.

The dreadlocked pirate cracks a smile. "I think they all wanna die."

"Omigod!" groans Bretman, prepping a second shot after the failure of his first. "That was so close!"

Rorik points to Bretman. "This one actually knows how to shoot!"

Well, _duh_ Bretman knows how to shoot. During his childhood in the Philippines, he would play with slingshots, so he's just channeling his old self. It's Throwback Thursday, pirate style.

He finishes preparing his slingshot, carefully takes aim at a bottle, and fires. His projectile hits the bottle, shattering it.

"Yes!" Bretman screams before taking off. _Direct hit, baby! I'm on motherfucking_ fire _right now!_

"He got it!" observes Rorik proudly. "I knew he was pirate worthy!"

The praise boosts Bretman's confidence, but he doesn't let it distract him. Instead, he makes his way to the dock, selects a rowboat, and boards it. This is the last leg. If he makes it through this, he'll never be afraid again.

"Will you help me?" Joey asks the dreadlocked pirate.

The pirate laughs in his face. "What do I look like, your girlfriend?"

_Boyfriend, actually, and his name is Daniel, and he's way hotter than you,_ is what Joey has the good sense not to say. Instead, he fires another wobbly shot off his slingshot. It's a direct hit. "Yay!" cheers Joey. "I did it! Bye, guys!"

"Get on it!" whoops Alex.

Joey goes to the dock, only to find that Bretman is still there. The younger man doesn't seem to realize that his boat is still tied to the dock; he's rowing, but he's not moving forward at all. Of course, Joey's not stupid enough to correct _that_ little mistake.

_This is my chance to get ahead._

The opportunistic Savant grabs a boat, unties it, and rows. "Oh," he breathes, "like a pirate ship." He stumbles into his seat with an "Oop!" before investing every bit of his energy into the most important boating excursion of his life.

Dammit. _That's_ why Bretman isn't going anywhere. He forgot to untie his boat from the dock! "Omigosh!" He immediately unties the boat while simultaneously cursing himself for being such a dumbass bitch.

Once he's going, he _goes,_ goddamn it. He streaks through the water as fast as he can. _Girl, I'm paddling!_ he thinks, his hands damp against the handle of his wooden oar. _Bitch, I'm Moana!_

Alex's aim is...not the best. The Chinese archery fiasco was proof enough of that. So it's really not a surprise that the slingshot segment of the pirate's test would be what ultimately trips him up. What was it that Tana said about history repeating itself? Whatever it was, she was right.

"How did I know that you would be last _again?"_ crows Rorik, a smirk on his face.

The portly lady pirate giggles. "Prepare to meet your maker, love."

Alex tunes them out and fires another shot. He misses by a mile. "Omigosh!" he screams, his heart sinking. _If DeStorm was here right now, he'd be laughing his head off. I just know it._

"You didn't even hit the barrel!" yells Rorik.

Jezebel shakes her head. "Get it done," she chides.

_Come on,_ Alex encourages himself, since no one else will. _You can do this. Don't give up. Keep fighting until there's no point in fighting anymore._

His next shot hits the bottle.

"Oh," grumbles the pirate in brown and white, "he finally got it!"

_Yes!_ Alex sprints to the dock and boards the last remaining boat. He feels like a runaway sailor escaping a hostile ship.

"I don't know why you're even getting in!" Rorik bellows after him. "We all know you're gonna be last again!" He snorts. "We should just save our time and shoot him now."

As cruel as the pirate captain's words are, he _does_ have a point. Alex's slingshot misadventures have put him so far behind Bretman and Joey that his odds of leaving Pirate's Bay alive are shrinking into single digits. He just has to hope that they mess up so he can catch up with them.

Joey and Bretman have arrived at the floating dock to claim their Jolly Rogers. "Is there two, or one?" Joey asks Bretman, who's sifting through the flags. "Wait, how many did you get?" _Bitch, gimme one!_

"Oh, here," Bretman replies, tossing him a pirate flag.

"Wait." Joey's glad to get a flag, but something doesn't feel right. "There should be a third one. Check and see if there's a third."

Bretman checks.

"Yeah, there is."

As Bretman rows away, he unceremoniously tosses the third flag into the water. Joey sighs. That's going to be a pain for Alex to fish out.

Speaking of Alex, here he is now, and Joey still hasn't left the dock yet. _Oh, crap!_ Joey freaks out at the thought that he might be overtaken. _I can't let him beat me!_ In a fit of panic, he blocks Alex's boat with his own.

"What are you doing?" Alex gasps. "What are you doing?"

"I'm _trying_ to save myself!" retorts Joey, pushing his boat past Alex's and taking it back onto the open water. "See ya later, Alex!" _I guess the pirate life is for me after all._

Bretman's almost to the shore. He's rowing. He's winning. He's _won._ If he dies tonight, it won't be at an ugly-ass shithole like Pirate's Bay.

Rorik beams at the first-place victor. "This one is pirate worthy!"

"I want him to be my boy toy!" shouts the portly lady pirate.

Rorik doesn't acknowledge her. "You," he says to Bretman as the victorious beauty guru disembarks with flag in hand, "are definitely pirate worthy. You receive the key!" He hands the seventh jeweled key to Bretman.

"Yes!" Bretman cheers. "Thank you!" _I'm an honorary pirate now! You will address me as Bretman the Pirate._

"The one in the glasses is done too," the portly lady pirate points out, and sure enough, Joey has just reached the shore. Alex is now the only one who's still rowing. This means that he's, to borrow a turn of phrase, dead in the water.

Honestly, Bretman's not really all that sad. Alex didn't vote for his story, and honey, karma's a bitch. "Bye, Alex!" He waves across the lake to the guy he once liked. "Bye, _bitch!"_

His cold heart aches, but he ignores the pain.

The end is here again. No amount of tears or pleading or last-minute shenanigans will rescue Alex now. A part of him doesn't even want to come back to the shore at all _(if this lake was big enough, I could row away from here and go somewhere too far away for anyone to find me),_ but he knows better than to try and delay the inevitable. Too many people have taken bullets meant for him. He won't let them take this one.

Joey and Bretman hug on the shore. Despite everything, Alex feels happy for them. They both won this challenge fair and square.

"How did I know that you would be last _once_ again?" Rorik taunts Alex. "You failed at every single one!"

Alex sighs to the heavens. _Yeah. I guess I did._

"Don't kill him!" Jezebel pleads.

But Rorik shakes his head. "Rules are rules."

"Oh, God," whimpers Joey. "Alex..."

As Alex rows back to the shore of Pirate's Bay to face his doom, he reflects on his time in Purgatory. Here, he'll admit, he lost his way. He thought that maybe he was evil. He struggled to find happiness within such a cloud of tragic pain. But at the end of the day, he may not have pirate's blood, but he definitely has a hero's heart.

"I knew you weren't worthy," snickers Rorik.

"Alex, thank you," says Joey. "Thank you for everything."

_No, Joey. I'm the one who should be thanking you. You gave me a second chance. I swear I won't forget it._

Alex stands on the edge of the dock, facing enemies and friends alike, a tired smile shining on his face. He removes his Aviator's jacket and tenderly tosses it onto the dock, leaving only his white shirt behind. It's not like he _needs_ the jacket. The sting of the crisp Purgatory air cannot affect him now. Besides, it's warmer where he's going. Soon, he'll see DeStorm again, and Tana, and Gabbie, and all his other friends who died tonight. Maybe someday, he'll find a path back into Lauren's arms, and his world will be as it was before he attended the masquerade ball. That's all he ever wanted, really—to be happy with those he loves.

The pirates aim their guns at Alex. "Give me regards to the devil," chuckles Rorik.

_I'm not afraid of you_ or _him,_ thinks Alex in reply. _Go ahead and shoot me, Rorik. Do your worst. I'll see you in Hell._

Bretman's voice is a soft goodbye. "Alex..."

Gunshots ring in Alex's ears. The first bullet splits his heart in two. He goes gentle into the night of wherever dead men go.

The dread pirates shoot three bullets into Alex Wassabi's chest, and he falls backwards into the murky depths of Pirate's Bay. He's dead before his body hits the water.

Joey doesn't watch his friend die. Instead, he sobs into his palms as the pirates' barbaric laughter burrows through his brain. _Alex..._ His shoulders tremble with grief. _You did_ so _much to help us. I wish I could've helped you in return._

_Instead,_ hisses the guilt within him, _you condemned his soul to Hell. Nice going, Joey. Great job on this so-called rescue mission._

"All this murder has got me thinking, darling," Rorik croons to Jezebel.

Jezebel pushes her hair back. "What?"

"Maybe," concedes Rorik, "there _can_ be co-dread pirates." He gets down on one knee.

"The shit?" mutters the dreadlocked pirate.

"No!" cries out the portly lady pirate. "No!"

Rorik slips a diamond ring onto Jezebel's finger. She accepts with overjoyed laughter, and the two pirates share a kiss. Joey watches in dismay. _They just killed one of our friends, and now they're having a proposal? What kind of sick people are they?_ He grimaces. _Oh, right. They're pirates. Of_ course _they can't get engaged without some death. I bet that they'll murder, like,_ five _people while they're getting married._

The portly lady pirate dissolves into overly hysterical wails. The pirate in brown and white does a half-assed job of trying to comfort her, while the dreadlocked pirate seems more interested in his sword than he is in anything going on.

"Now y'all best be off," Rorik warns Joey and Bretman, "before I change me mind about killing the rest of you!"

Joey doesn't need to be told twice. "Go, go, go!" He and Bretman sprint towards the Museum of the Dead, which somehow seems safer than the depths of Pirate's Bay. "Come on!'

Once Joey and Bretman are inside the museum, they meet up with Colleen and Rosanna at the Caribbean exhibit. "Joey!" Colleen shouts at the sight of the guys. "Bretman! What _happened_ back there?"

Rosanna's lip quivers. "Is Alex...?"

Joey hangs his head. Tears dot his cheeks like raindrops, and demons scream condemnation in his head. "I'm sorry," he cries quietly. "He's gone. The pirates killed him. He's probably in Hell right now, and it's all my—"

"You're wrong!" Rosanna leaps forward, heartache and resolve mingled together in her passionate voice. "Joey, listen, he's _not_ in Hell! _None_ of them are! Tell him, Colleen!"

_Not in Hell? Is such an idea still possible?_ "Colleen...?"

"When I was dead," explains Colleen, "I didn't go to Hell. At least, I don't think I did. I remember...floating. Somewhere. There was a light, and I was going towards it, and it felt kinda nice, and then suddenly I was back here, and it was just all kinds of crazy." She takes a breath before finishing her thought. "But it wasn't Hell."

"So we were _wrong?"_ questions Bretman.

Rosanna frowns. "Kind of. The note just said that we'd go to Hell if we turned to dust. We assumed..." Her eyes are downcast for a few seconds before she pulls herself back into the moment. "But it's okay. They're all gonna be okay. Alex...Justine...everyone...I _know_ they're someplace better."

_So...they're in Heaven...my friends are all in Heaven...they won't have to suffer anymore..._

Joey laughs with relief, pulling Colleen and Rosanna into the warmest group hug he's ever given. Bretman joins the hug as well, and together, the four YouTubers celebrate the blessed knowledge that has soothed all their restless hearts. Alex, Gabbie, Tana, DeStorm, Tim, and especially Justine flutter through Joey's mind like butterflies flying to a warmer climate. He'll miss them forever, but at least he knows now that his attempted rescue mission didn't damn them all to Hell.

When the happiness of Colleen's bombshell has dissipated, Rosanna and her friends are left with the grief of Alex's death. _I hope he didn't suffer,_ prays Rosanna to herself. _I hope he knew how much we all loved him._

It's back to the lounge for the survivors. The pirate flag still hangs overhead as a brutal reminder of the fate of Alex Wassabi.

"Omigod," breathes Colleen, "that was nuts."

"Omigosh," murmurs Bretman.

Joey rips the flag down with a sigh. Then, he sees a note pinned to it, and his face shifts from sadness to concern. "Wait..."

"What?" Bretman asks.

_The Collector is on her way back._

Rosanna gulps. _Oh, no._ She hasn't actually _met_ the Collector, but from what she's heard, she doesn't think she ever wants to. Everything that has happened tonight has happened because of that awful woman. If she comes back, what will become of them?

Bretman looks like he's only just now realizing that Alex is dead. "Omigosh," he groans. "Alex!"

"What the heck happened out there?" Rosanna wants to know. "You guys...what'd you do? What was this pirate challenge?" She doesn't understand why she wants to know the gory details.

"He tried his best, but...I mean, there was nothing we could do to help him," says Joey. "He's gone."

_Alex didn't cut it,_ Rosanna thinks mournfully. _but at least we have the key._

"We gotta get out of here!" declares Colleen.

Rosanna gestures to Bretman, who carries the jeweled key. "Go, Bretman!"

Bretman inserts the jeweled key into its lock and turns it. Almost instantly, the group hears a series of monstrous roars from outside the museum. Rosanna oops. It's possible that she could be imagining things, but to her, those roars sort of sound like they belong to..._dinosaurs?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Alex. You're not a pirate. You're a warrior. I'm glad that you found happiness before you met your end.  
Next chapter: We're going all the way back to the prehistoric era! Also, Joey accidentally insults his own boyfriend, and Rosanna is obsessed with dinosaurs.


	47. Expedition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only four All Stars remain in the race for life. Enter Caveman!

Suddenly, the caveman from earlier barrels into the lounge, whooping and howling and carrying on like a crazy person. Joey, Rosanna, and Bretman all freak out and run in frantic circles ("What _is_ that?" Joey screams), but Colleen's not afraid of the caveman. The caveman is her friend. He saved her, Alex, and Gabbie from the Black Knight. Now, she's the only one alive who knows that he's not a threat.

(At least, she _hopes_ he's not.)

"Wait, you guys, you guys, you guys!" she yells over everyone's screams, her arms open and outstretched. "Look, look! He's good! He helped us last time! He saved us! He's good!"

The caveman faces the Collector's portrait and angrily jeers at it.

Rosanna grins conspiratorially. "You don't like her either!"

With that established, the caveman sits on the couch and points repeatedly at the portrait, hooting all the while. "The Collector...what?" Colleen's doing her best to figure out what the caveman is saying, but the prehistoric language barrier is making things _way_ harder than they have to be. "What about the Collector?"

"Hello?" Joey frowns. "Do you not speak English?"

"He's a caveman," says Bretman.

_Yup,_ thinks Colleen. _Cavemen don't speak proper English. This one's a good guy, but..._ She watches the caveman jump around, grunt, and point at things with his stick. _He's very incoherent right now. And also very dirty._

So, to recap: Alex is dead, the Hell thing wasn't true, something roared, and now there's a caveman here. Because why not. This shit is like a slasher's acid trip. Bretman's _really_ looking forward to forgetting all of it with a hangover cure tomorrow morning.

"Have you seen a key?" Rosanna questions the caveman.

"Where do we go?" asks Colleen. "What do we do?"

The caveman grunts and motions for the group to follow him.

Joey looks confused. "Does anyone speak caveman? Where's he taking us?"

"I don't know," replies Colleen.

_Why are we still following everything that comes our way?_ Bretman ponders wearily. _Like, why can't we just find these things ourselves?_ He rolls his eyes. _Ugh!_

The YouTubers soon find themselves in the foyer of the museum, filled with fossils, bones, and other old things. The caveman shrieks before pointing at a nearby raptor skeleton.

"A dinosaur!" realizes Joey. "A dinosaur? Dinosaurs!"

"Oh, I love dinosaurs!" shouts Colleen.

Dinosaurs. Sure. Whatever. Fine. What are the odds that they'll be the nice kind and not the gonna-eat-a-bitch kind? Probably next to zero, right? So someone's about to get their ass eaten by dinosaurs, is what Bretman's hearing.

Joey exclaims "There's a note!" and reads it.

_The footprints from an era time has forgotten, when matched correctly, can lead you to the beginning of a new civilization._

A new civilization? Bretman's all for it. _Any_ world sounds better than the world in this museum.

They have to match four footprint fossils to the descriptions of their dinosaurs. Rosanna is _totally_ obsessed with dinosaurs—the _Jurassic Park_ and _Jurassic World_ movies are some of her all-time favorites—so she's excited for this exhibit. _Are we going to see some real-life dinosaurs? Like, up close? That would be so cool!_

Bretman reads the first description.

_Fredidonaurus. Aggressive carnivore with distinctive sharp, curled talons used for attacking prey._

"Look for talons that are sharp," advises Bretman.

Rosanna picks up a round fossil of jagged talon prints. _Are these sharp enough?_ She shows the fossil to Colleen for a second opinion. Two pairs of eyes are better than one, after all.

"Yeah, these look sharp!" Colleen agrees. "The one that Ro has!"

Bretman runs over to Ro and nods at the fossil. "Yeah. Ro, put that here first."

"They're sharp," murmurs Rosanna, happy to be right.

_Karillopholis. Heavy, slow-moving herbivore, with thick elephant-like legs and a long powerful neck._

Rosanna gasps as the answer hits her brain like a bowling ball. "I know!" She grabs the fattest footprint fossil and puts it with the karillopholis's description. "This looks heavy, and it's got thick legs. I think they match." Thank goodness for her adoration of dinosaurs; it's _really_ helping her give her best input to the group.

Joey beams at her. "Good job, Ro!"

_Saraptor. Unlike its three-toed cousins, this scavenger has greater speed and agility for escaping danger._

"So it's _unlike_ its three-toed," Colleen quickly clarifies.

"I bet it's this one." Joey feels his way around a slim little fossil before moving it to the third description. "It's long and skinny."

"And it's not three toes," adds Bretman.

Honestly, this is one of the first challenges that Rosanna truly enjoys completing, and not just because it's about dinosaurs. They're all helping each other out. Everyone has such great teamwork energy at this moment. This is how the whole night ought to be.

_Copyldactyl. Bird-like dinosaur with membranes between shoulders and wrist, allowing it to glide short distances._

They're looking for the sharp, scary, awful feet that birds have. Colleen doesn't like birds. Something about how they've got both wings _and_ clawish feet makes her quite distrustful of them. Then again, she's distrustful of most things now.

"The claws could be retracted like a tiger," says Rosanna, using her own small hand to demonstrate retractable claws. She points to a nearby fossil. "Maybe this one."

Colleen rushes over to the fossil, and sure enough, it matches the description. "Yeah, yeah! This is a bird one! This is..."

"This is talon-like," says Bretman, "so..."

"No, _this_ one's talons," remarks Joey, picking up a different fossil altogether.

"Talons," repeats Colleen. "Curled." The words swim in her head like minnows. Why do so many of these fossils look the same? Damn dinosaurs, making this job harder than it has to be!

Joey displays his fossilized footprint. "I would say this is curled, cause it has to be like this."

In the end, the group decides to go for the pointier fossil. The second it's placed, the bottom of the raptor platform opens, revealing an egg and a note. "Oh, it's an egg!" exclaims Colleen, who was genuinely not expecting to see a freakin' _egg_ in this hellhole.

The caveman hoots and claps his hands.

"Caveman's excited," Colleen notes.

"Omigosh," rambles Rosanna. "Omigosh."

Bretman takes the egg out of its compartment. The caveman continues hooting and comes towards Bretman. He gestures to the egg.

"Oh, he wants the egg," interprets Colleen. "Are you hungry?"

Joey raises an eyebrow. "I'd be careful, guys."

But the caveman doesn't steal the egg. He just lightly taps it with his finger.

"What about it?" Bretman asks.

_It's like playing a game of charades,_ is Colleen's view on the caveman's antics.

Rosanna doesn't know what kind of egg this is. She doesn't know if it's a meat-eating raptor or a cute little herbivore. But even if it's a T-rex, she would love it regardless!

It's Colleen's turn to read the note.

_The Egg of Civilization must be taken to the Sacred Hollow for life to continue in a prehistoric world on the brink of extinction. Venture into the Valley of Lost Souls to find the animal totems needed to awaken the Hollow._

Holy smoke! It's happening! It's really, truly happening! They're going into a prehistoric world to see real live dinosaurs! Rosanna mouths "omigod" repeatedly and pumps her fist in ecstatic triumph. She's never been so hyped for an exhibit in all her life!

_Be careful. The one who carries the egg will be hunted, and passing it back and forth might be the only way to survive. If one of you is caught with it or fails to protect it, you will be forced into the final challenge with no vote._

"We basically have to play hot potato with the dinosaur," says Bretman.

_That's a good analogy._ "Hot potato," repeats Rosanna. "Hot potato." She points at the caveman. "Do you know where the Valley of Lost Souls is?"

The caveman hoots in affirmation and gestures onward with his stick.

"Okay." Rosanna smiles. "He's got it." They've got the egg. They're following the caveman. They're on a journey to the Valley of the Lost Souls. A secret, hidden section of Rosanna's happy heart wouldn't want it any other way.

"I think he's dumb," Joey complains as the group follows the caveman outside. "I don't think he knows what he's doing." He knows that Colleen trusts the caveman, but he's not sure how much help a dirty, stupid, obviously clueless caveman can provide.

Bretman echoes the sentiment. "Well, why are we following a dumb bitch?"

But they follow him anyway. He leads them to a wide-open area that looks as if it hasn't been touched since long before time began. This is the prehistoric exhibit. Joey can't believe that nobody noticed such an expansive environment until now. It's beautiful!

He's still worried about the caveman, though. "You're gonna protect us, right?" _We don't need another betrayal. Even if the betrayer is an idiot._

More hoots.

"Okay."

All of a sudden, the group hears a rumbling, roaring, _way too close_ sound from right behind them. They turn around, and there are two _actual freakin' dinosaurs omigod they weren't kidding we're really facing dinosaurs now!_

The dinosaurs—specifically, raptors—charge the group. Just like that, it's every man and woman for themselves. Group unity is not an option. All they can do is run.

"Omigod!" shrieks Colleen.

_I just don't have to be the slowest,_ thinks Joey throughout the madcap raptor chase up the rocky hill, _and I'll make it out of here alive. I do not wanna be a snack!_

_I don't wanna be a snack!_ is Rosanna's only thought at the moment. She loves dinosaurs, even raptors, but she _doesn't_ love being chased by them!

Everyone runs as fast as they can up and over the hill. Luckily, by the time they're on level ground again, the raptors have stopped chasing them. They're safe for now.

"Omigod," gasps Joey.

Colleen looks like she's going to vomit.

The caveman leads the YouTubers to his home. It is made of sticks, furs, and unfinished cave paintings, and there's even a rock for the caveman to sleep on. From the faces that Joey and Bretman are making, Rosanna can tell that they don't think much of the place ("He sleeps on a _rock!"_ complains Joey), but personally, she likes it. There's a sort of ancient charm here.

As for the caveman himself, he's a very gracious host. He gives the YouTubers bones and flowers as presents. Rosanna doesn't understand what use these gifts will be, but as the saying goes, it's the thought that counts.

Then, Bretman finds a clue.

_Complete the caveman's paintings._

"They're over here," says Colleen.

Rosanna admires the beautiful paintings. "You are an ar-tiste!" _He is the Bob Ross of his time. Like, these paintings are very good!_

"You guys." Bretman gasps. "He has paint right here."

Joey picks up a hide. "Okay, here's, like, a hide that we can draw on."

"Like, we gotta find a picture of your painting," Rosanna thinks aloud. "Yes." She watches as the caveman sticks his finger in the paint and stumbles towards his paintings. "What do you wanna add? What do you wanna add to your painting? How do we complete it?"

"He's an artist," says Joey.

_Move over, Picasso._

The caveman _really_ needs an interior decorator. His place is looking like a mess. Bretman bets that if he had the right materials with him, he could fix things up in no time.

"Look for more clues," instructs Colleen. "We have to complete his painting."

"Well, you just put that on your nose!" Rosanna says to the caveman, who has indeed put paint on his nose.

The caveman grunts a bit more, then gestures to the egg in Bretman's hands.

"The egg." Bretman observes the caveman's carrying motions for a bit before he figures out what their guide is trying to say. "They need to be carrying an egg." He walks over to a painting of two cave people and points to the spot where its subjects should have an egg. "Right here."

Without anybody's consent, Bretman starts painting the damn egg. Mister Caveman is _very_ entertained; Bretman gets a lot of ooh-oohs from him.

"Was that right?" Joey asks once Bretman's done.

He gets another ooh.

"Okay." Joey points to the next painting, which is of some caveman running away. "And now this one."

The caveman makes a raptor-like noise.

Joey's eyes widen. "A raptor! We want to draw..."

"You wanna draw a dinosaur?" asks Rosanna. "Which painting do you want a dinosaur?" She frowns at the caveman's motions. "You want flowers?"

Now they're playing charades with the caveman yet again. Great. Just how Bretman wanted to spend his Friday night.

Joey's _really_ trying to make sense out of the caveman's hand signals, but how can he when they're nonsense? "No...the dinosaur." He sighs. "And now he's doing the macarena." _This caveman's brain is_ clearly _underdeveloped._

"The egg hatched," guesses Bretman.

Joey takes another look at the painting. "Are they running from him?"

"Yeah," says Rosanna, "they're running from him. They've got an egg, and they're running away from a...pterodactyl?" She does a cute little chicken dance, flapping her arms like wings. "Does it fly? Does it fly?"

The caveman flaps his arm-wings back at her.

_Okay,_ thinks Joey, _we're getting somewhere._

Rosanna paints a pterodactyl on the painting. "We got little claws coming out of here!"

But then, the caveman does some more charades, and the animal he's imitating doesn't look much like a pterodactyl anymore. Now, it's a raptor. _Probably the same species of raptor that was chasing us just a bit ago._

"All right!" Rosanna strikes out the pterodactyl she just drew. "Change the game!" She converts her drawing into a raptor, narrating her progress as she does so. "We need a big jaw. We need teeth teeth teeth teeth teeth!" When she's done, she ends up with something that looks like a T-rex, but also could be a raptor if you squint. "That look better?"

The caveman hoots while nodding, and Joey's heart sings with relief.

Once Rosanna finishes her arts and crafts project, a green light appears, and everyone runs over to it. It turns out to be coming from a boulder, underneath which Joey finds a note and a weird rod.

_You must find three animal totems if you wish to awaken the Hollow. The Divine Rod will take you to two of them, and the third can be found in the dinosaurs' den._

This calls for another team separation. "Let's split up into two groups," says Joey, whose face feels as numb as his heart. "Bretman and Colleen, you go for the bones. Me and Ro will follow this rod to the other totems. How's that sound?"

Colleen and Bretman mumble agreement. Rosanna's hand slips into Joey's.

A kingdom ruled by dinosaurs awaits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: You wanted dinosaurs? You're getting goddamn dinosaurs! Also, Colleen doesn't have time for this, Rosanna gets down and dirty, and Bretman tries his hand at hot potato.


	48. Jurassic Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afterlife is frightening in the dark. All the dinosaurs are running wild. Our surviving heroes split into two groups to complete their most dangerous quest yet.

For the animal totem hunt, Bretman has been paired with Colleen. This is the first time that they've ever worked together. _Show me what you got, Miss Colleen,_ thinks Bretman with a chuckle. _Now's your chance to prove yourself to me._

"Sorry if this is sensitive for you," says Colleen to the caveman, who's still hooting away.

They come across a makeshift grave, built of stones and sticks, covered with flowers. "This is her grave," Bretman observes. "It's gotta be his dead girlfriend's grave."

"Aww," coos Colleen, "you're so sweet! We don't have time." She grabs a note from the gravesite. "Okay. Ready?"

_Ready as I'll ever be,_ is Bretman's silent response.

_The caveman's lover was murdered by the Cursed God, and her soul is trapped in torment. Release her from her sorrows by completing the burial ritual of her tribe to gain the third totem. Eight of her bones were stolen by the raptors. You must retrieve them from their den and place them upon the burial mound. When they have all been returned, place the Egg of Civilization before her grave._

Okay. Great. So they're supposed to find this cave bitch's bones and put them on her gravesite. But where _are_ the damn bones hiding, anyway?

Bretman peers around the gravesite. There are lots of little dirt pockets, all of which look like good bone hiding places. "Okay, I think we dig them up, Colleen." He and Colleen do a bit of digging through one of the dirt pockets, and sure enough, they find the first bone.

"A bone!" Colleen leaps to her feet. "You're right! You're right!"

Their bone hunt is rudely interrupted by two snarling, salivating raptors.

"Omigod, watch out, Bretman!" Colleen screams, running for cover. "Where do we go?"

Bretman gulps. He did _not_ come all this freakin' way to end up as some dumbass dinosaur's midnight munchies. Hell no! He's going to live! If he has to gut these raptor bitches and wear their wrinkly skin as a fashion statement, then it's time for him to strut that prehistoric catwalk, honey!

"Did we go the wrong way?" Rosanna ponders. "Do you think it will just, like, shut off?" She squints at the Divine Rod's light. It's brighter than it was before, but it's still not telling them much of anything right now.

"Let's find out," says Joey.

Rosanna's feet are beginning to hurt. "Like, _is_ it this way?"

"Oh, wait!" Joey stops in his tracks. "It's flashing."

He's right. The rod's little light is flashing as they speak. "It flickered," says Rosanna. _I get it now. This must be like a game of Hot and Cold. First hot potato, then charades, now Hot and Cold. Whatever shall we play next?_

They keep walking, but all of a sudden, the light goes out completely.

"Oh, oh!" exclaims Rosanna. "It went out. It went out." _It's cold._

Joey points the rod in a different direction. "Maybe this way? No?" He tries a third direction. This time, the light comes back. "Here. This way."

_And now we're hot again!_ thinks Rosanna happily.

The rod takes Rosanna and Joey to a strange pile of smooth, circular stones. Rosanna examines them. "These have markings," she reports.

"Yeah," says Joey. He digs through the rocks and finds another clue.

_Rebuild the symbol with seventeen stones._

_Okay,_ thinks Rosanna, _that's a lotta stones! Why does it have to be that specific number? Is it a prehistorical cultural thing?_ She shrugs. It's probably best to respect the way things were back then.

"I'll make the symbol," decides Joey. "Ro, you find the rest of the rocks."

Rosanna says "okay" and scurries off to look for rocks.

"Thanks, Ro!" Joey calls out after her.

At this point, Rosanna is like a workhorse in the night. She's worried about the raptors, and she's worried about the Armageddon Clock, but she's _not_ worried about any injuries that might occur from this stone hunt. "Oh, ow!" She winces. "Oh, that's gonna leave a bruise!" _Bruises what may, who cares? Screw that! Let's find these special stones!_

The raptors roar in Bretman's face, sending the Playboy flying backwards.

"Bretman!" Colleen screams involuntarily. She doesn't really have much of a close personal friendship with her prehistoric partner, but she still cares about him enough to be afraid for his wellbeing. _I don't wanna watch him die! Also, I don't wanna die again!_

"Colleen!" Bretman stumbles to his feet and prepares to throw the Egg of Civilization. "Heads up!"

Colleen barely has time to think _what the_ before the Egg of Civilization has been thrown across the den and into her arms. _This is a life-or-death situation,_ she realizes, her heart racing. _We need to protect this egg if we wanna survive!_

She runs with the egg, taking special care not to drop it, while Bretman yanks bones out from pockets of dirt. The raptors, of course, make a beeline for Colleen, snarling at her. "Aah!" screams Colleen as she hurls the egg at Bretman, who catches it just before it can hit the ground. "Omigod, Bretman, please, distract them, distract them!"

Thankfully, Bretman's very in shape and works out, which is something that Colleen doesn't do. "I have your egg!" he yells at the raptors. "Do _not_ touch her!"

A soft spot in Colleen's heart twinges despite herself. It's nice to know that her fellow YouTubers give a damn if she lives or dies.

Joey's _so_ tired. It's too early in the morning to be threatened by _dinosaurs_ of all things. Now, he and Rosanna have to rebuild this random symbol, even though what he _really_ wants to do is go home and get some much-needed sleep.

"I'm digging like I'm a Flintstone!" Rosanna whoops from her little stone pile.

_Well, at least_ she's _happy._ thinks Joey, taking stock of how many stones she's collected for him. "I need, like, one or two more pieces. Let's just look and make sure that none of these pieces..."

"Uh oh." Rosanna slips on the rocks. "Uh oh. We're good."

"You okay?" asks Joey.

"Yeah. We're good. We're good. We're good."

While Rosanna pulls herself back up into a sitting position, Joey spots the last stone he needs. "Oh, I found it!"

"Where?" shrieks Rosanna. "Where? Where?"

"Right here." Joey picks up the stone. "Okay. The last piece." He carries it over to the other stones and completes the symbol. "There we go."

A light goes off once the symbol is complete. Joey and Rosanna find their first animal totem, a mammoth tusk, where the light is shining. So _that's_ pretty cool.

"Yes!" cheers Rosanna. "We got one!"

"All right," says Joey. "Let's..." He waves the rod around. "Let's use this to find the second one." _I wonder how Colleen and Bretman are doing? Have they found their totems yet?_

These dinosaurs are all up in Bretman's face. _I know I have your egg and all,_ his brain snaps at them, _but bitch!_

"Omigod, they're getting closer," squeals Colleen. "Omigod!" She attempts to catch her breath while running, with mixed results. "Girl, I'm exhausted. Leave it to a dinosaur to get me in shape!"

Bretman has now found five bones, while Colleen has found two. They need one more, but they can't find it anywhere, and Bretman doesn't know how much longer they can hold the dinosaur off.

Rosanna and Joey's next location is a tree stump with a bunch of bones. It is _disgusting._ Rosanna's looking around and taking all the bones off when she realizes an obvious place to look. "Maybe there's something underneath the stump."

"We _could_ try and move it," concedes Joey.

"Okay, push it over," Rosanna orders. "One, two, three!"

Together, the two of them overturn the stump, revealing a revolting pit of liquid. "Ro, you were right!" shouts Joey. "Oh, gosh, we're gonna have to stick our hand down there..."

"I'm ready!" Rosanna immediately peels off her white coat and strips down to her little navy blue dress. "Joey, I'm doing this for you!" She's stuck her hand down a toilet before, so she's got experience when it comes to icky goo. Besides, she knows that Joey doesn't like disgusting things, and a good friend wouldn't make somebody handle something that makes them uncomfortable. This is her job. She's got this.

Joey nods and gets out of her way.

Rosanna kneels before the pit. "One! Two! Three! Let's do it!" Without hesitation, she plunges her hand into the liquid. "Oh, this is slimy!" Not only is it slimy, but it is also grimy, and there's something _weighted_ down there. Rosanna isn't sure if it's trapped in weeds or not, but she heaves it out anyway. It turns out to be another animal totem that has been weighted down by rocks.

"Here, put it down," says Joey. "Let's...let's take the stuff off. Okay. Come on."

An exhausted Rosanna puts the totem down on the ground, allowing Joey to remove the rocks. She's breathing heavily, and her bruised arms are sore, but it was all worth it to help her friend unearth the second totem. "I did it," she gasps.

Joey smiles at her. "Let's go meet up with Bretman and Colleen to see if they found one too."

The two friends, bearing two animal totems, leave the stump behind.

"This velociraptor sure knows how to hide a bone, bitch," muses Colleen, who's starting to lose patience with this bone hunt. It feels like they've combed over the entire den, and still nothing! Where the hell could that last bone be?

"If I ever need to hide a dead body," says Bretman, "I'm hitting up one of these velociraptors."

The raptors roar.

Suddenly, Colleen realizes that there's a little pile that neither YouTuber has dug through yet. She checks it, and lo and behold, there's the final bone! _Yes! Finally!_

Both raptors get distracted by a rustle in the bushes and go off to check it out. Seconds later, Joey and Rosanna appear, carrying two animal totems. "We got our totems," says Joey. "Did you—"

"Not yet, but we know how to get it," replies Colleen confidently.

The group places the bones and the egg on the cavewoman's gravesite, and a green light comes on. (_More green lights,_ notices Colleen.) The light leads them to the third totem, along with a note, which Bretman reads.

_The rod will now lead you to the Sacred Hollow. You must lay the totems before it, and when the Light of Creation shines, place the egg inside._

Joey points at the gravesite. "Wait, so is that not the shrine?"

"No, that's her burial ground," Colleen explains. "That's his dead girlfriend's burial."

"My sympathies," says Rosanna to the caveman.

Well, they've got all the totems, so they can head to the Sacred Hollow now. If only Colleen knew where that was. "Where do we go?"

Joey points his rod around until it lights up. "This way," he says.

_Well, okay then._

Joey and company follow the rod, and it takes them to the Sacred Hollow. "That's everything!" Joey gushes, admiring the beautiful prehistoric tree. "I feel like Totoro lives in there!" He's half expecting to see the Studio Ghibli character sitting within the Hollow's darkness. Anything is possible.

The YouTubers place the three animal totems in front of the hollow, and boom! The Hollow glows with light.

"Let's put it in the incubator," says Bretman, sticking the egg inside the Hollow.

A rock opens up. The YouTubers go to it, and they find a note and a chant. Joey reads the note aloud.

_The egg has been returned, and civilization found a way. With the ritual from the Sacred Hollow, you can now command the Cursed God to release the jeweled key from its clutches. However, to enact the ritual, two must be selected by vote to venture into the raptors' feeding pit and gather the objects required._

Joey's shoulders slump. "Of course." There is no rest for the weary, nor is there respite from the game of death. Only four are left, and soon, four will shrink down to three. Despair beckons. All that's left is to find out who will fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: We're almost done with the Voting Times, I promise! Also, Rosanna raises a valid point, Colleen can't let go of her grudge, Bretman is a cat who goes moo, and Joey does a major oopsie.


	49. All I Failed to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hooray for more voting! (Said no one ever.) Who must face the dinosaurs' jaws? And how many old wounds among the group have yet to heal?

"You know how this goes," says the Sorceress.

Right. Okay. It's finally time to vote. But before anyone starts throwing cards around, Colleen has a _question_ for these mothertruckers. "Well, I wanna know who voted for me when I died." She smiles bitterly as the vengeful rage she's spent too long suppressing returns with a roar to the forefront of her mind.

"Not _me!"_ declares Rosanna. _"I_ did not! And I wanted you to come back!"

Colleen believes her. The guys are the ones that she's concerned about. If it was Alex who murdered her, she can rest easy, because Alex already got his. But if it was either of the other two...

_What if it's Joey? What if he's still a liar? What if he never cared about me at all?_

She glares at the thought until it leaves, then turns to the final candidate. "Bretman?"

Bretman stands silently for a moment, deep in contemplation, before he speaks the words that Colleen hoped she wouldn't have to hear tonight. "I'm sorry, Colleen." He doesn't sound sorry. He sounds almost bored.

_It was him._ Colleen's veins freeze solid. _He's the one who got me killed. Him and Nikita. My blood is on their hands, and they don't care._

But...the time she spent with him...the care he seemed to show for her...

_Lies._

"Okay, well..." Even as her soul reignites with blazing, destructive, unquenchable rage, Colleen's lips are thin and bloodless, and her voice is dangerously flat. "Fair is fair." _A death for a death._ "I know who I'm voting for."

"Are you _serious?"_ Bretman whines. "We just did _all that_ together, and you're gonna vote for me?"

"You literally _killed_ me a few hours ago!" _Your vote threw me to that Minotaur, just like everyone in Everlock pushed me into that box of spikes! No wonder you and Nikita are such good friends! You're just like her! Neither of you give a damn about anyone except yourselves!_

"But you're back!" retorts Bretman. "Get over it!"

Oh, that's it. That is _it._ Colleen is _done_ playing nice with her killers. She's going to send Bretman Rock directly to the dinosaurs, and he's going to feel every last bit of the bone-crushing pain he and Nikita made her feel. That _bitch,_ as he's so fond of calling people, has strutted his last insufferable strut. He's the velociraptors' breakfast. She'll make sure of it.

What Joey was _going_ to do was suggest that everybody vote for themselves again. It's a final-four tradition that goes all the way back to the 1920s, where Lele Pons made it clear that she was sick of the evil's terrible game. They did a self-vote then, and in the Victorian era, and in the 1970s, and even just an hour or two ago. It's their way of reassuring themselves that they're more than helpless combatants in a war that they should've never had to fight.

But now, Colleen's dead-set on voting for Bretman, and the flames in her eyes indicate that nothing short of divine intervention will change her stubborn mind. So where does that leave the rest of them? Is a self-vote still possible if Colleen—_dammit, Colleen, I love you, I wanna save you, please don't go on the warpath again_—refuses to participate?

He doesn't know. How can he know? "I mean," he stammers, "fair is fair..."

"Also, like, did you guys come here to save us?" Rosanna pipes up. "Cause me and Colleen are the only two left. I thought you guys were—"

"This was supposed to be a _rescue_ mission, not a _suicide_ mission!"

The frenzied sentence explodes like a bomb from Joey's throat before he can stop it, and once it's been said, he knows that any chance at a let's-vote-for-ourselves agreement has been destroyed. _I'm sorry, Lele._ His mouth moves soundlessly, as if to take his words back. _I can't do it this time. Please forgive me._

Colleen...he _can't_ let Bretman hurt her. If she goes into this challenge, odds are good that she'll suffer a painful third (and final) death. He swore he'd get her out of here. He _promised._ Whatever it takes.

_And what it will take..._

He remembers his challenge. Colleen's challenge. Bretman's _two_ challenges. There's still one among this group who has yet to risk her life.

"I will say, however...Ro..." His even tones hide his tempest-tossed heart. "As much as I do love you, you haven't gone into a challenge yet."

_He can't mean..._ Rosanna finds herself unable to compute the awful implications of what Joey just said. _No, of _course_ he doesn't mean it. He's just throwing ideas around. I'll set him straight._ "That's not my _fault!_ It's not like I, like, chose not to do challenges!" _It just shows that I have been a person who has been encouraging camaraderie. You understand, Joey, don't you?_

Instead of the instant apology she's hoping for, Joey's response is a blank stare.

Oh. Oh, no. He really _does_ mean it. "So you come here to save me, and then you're gonna put me in a death challenge..."

"We've _all_ done it, Ro!" drawls Bretman. "You...it's your time, sis!"

Rosanna feels like she's being crushed to death underneath the weight of her collapsing worldview. Why is Joey doing this? Aren't they friends? Didn't they make up after their fight? Why won't he and Bretman volunteer as tribute to protect her and Colleen, like what happened in Arabia? Does Joey not want to be her knight in shining armor anymore?

"Let's just do it, guys," says Joey nonchalantly.

Colleen heads towards the Sorceress. "I'll go first."

Tears sting Rosanna's eyes. She prays that Joey will change his tune and remember all the times she had his back, because if he doesn't...oh, _God,_ it wasn't supposed to end like this! No one should've died tonight! Joey should've saved them!

He _did_ come here to save them...didn't he?

Since Bretman did Colleen the favor of voting for her to die, Colleen's going to vote for _him_ to die, because she's just a really selfless, giving person. She even is nice enough to show off the Playboy card she selects, making damn sure that Bretman can see it.

_You're welcome, Bretman._

Ten minutes ago, she might've been sorry. Not now, though. It's too late to feel bad for scum.

"Next!"

Rosanna's hands shake as she approaches the Sorceress's pile. Even now, despite everything, she can't bring herself to vote for Joey again, so she votes for Bretman instead. She understands that he was thrown into the game, but he hasn't died for Joey. He's the only one here who hasn't died.

While making her way back into line, she catches sight of Joey's expressionless face. She whimpers and immediately looks away.

Bretman did _not_ bring Rosanna or anyone else into this situation. The _least_ she could've done for him was to find his story to be better than Joey's! But no. She and Alex hurt him. And when he's hurt, honey, he's not scared to kill a bitch.

He passes his vote to the Sorceress.

_Alex got his karma. Now it's Ro's turn._

Joey feels horrible. His conscience knows that he _really_ shouldn't be doing this, especially after everything Rosanna's done to protect him. But...it's really just time for her to prove herself. She hasn't done a challenge yet. It's her time. Fair is fair.

With a sigh, he turns around and reveals his Socialite card. What little glimmers of faith were left in Rosanna's brown eyes leave them.

_You didn't have to show me._ It's all Rosanna can do to stay standing instead of doubling over in defeat. _Even if you absolutely_ had _to vote me into the challenge, you could've let me had a_ bit _of hope._

The Sorceress shrugs. "I think we all know who's going into the challenge." She pulls a card without much ceremony. "The Socialite."

Rosanna trusted Joey. She loved him. She loves him still. If she didn't love him, maybe she could've avoided the pain of knowing that he's okay with sending her off to (possibly) die. Now, his betrayal festers in the cracks of her broken heart, and the little "okay" that emerges from between her lips sounds lifeless. It's as if she's already dead.

"And of course, the Playboy."

Sure. Whatever. No big deal. Bretman ain't afraid of some ugly-ass raptors. _I be living nine lives,_ his inner cheerleader brags as he smirks and preens himself like a bright yellow peacock. _You guys can vote me in, bitch. I'm a cat. I go moo._

It doesn't matter that being eaten alive by dinosaurs is definitely the most painful way to die they've encountered yet. It doesn't matter that Colleen Ballinger wants to see him dead. Nothing they can do to him matters. He'll survive it all.

At this point, Joey doesn't know who he's rooting for. He doesn't want Bretman _or_ Rosanna to die. "Good luck, you guys," he says to both of them, unwilling to check the expressions on their faces. "May the best woman win."

"You can do this," Colleen tells Rosanna.

The Sorceress steps forward. "It's time to go."

"Okay," murmurs Rosanna. "Bye, you guys." She looks like she's mentally checked out of the museum.

"Good luck, Ro!" Colleen calls out. "You got this!"

"Bye, guys," says Bretman.

Joey and Colleen wave goodbye to Rosanna and Bretman as they depart. Once they're gone, Joey turns back towards Colleen, only to see disapproval in her scowl. His stomach drops. It occurs to him that he's probably made the wrong decision...again.

"We'll need to get you changed for what lies ahead," says the Sorceress as she leads Rosanna and Bretman away. "Put these on." She hands each YouTuber a caveman's outfit. "I know a cave not far from here."

Rosanna receives her new clothes without a word. Her mind is far into the past, going over every second she's shared with Joey since the Everlock mission began, looking for signs that he was capable of throwing her under the bus. She discovers more than she recognized. Red flags, shady moments, warnings not to trust him, bloodcurdling screams as friends' lives violently ended..._and there I was, good little Ro, by his side each step of the way._

It's not a suicide mission. She gets it. Really, she does. She just thought he cared about her.

That was her mistake.

They arrive at a dark, deep cave. "Let's have you each take turns and change in here," the Sorceress suggests. "Even those on the verge of death deserve their privacy." She gestures to Rosanna. "Ladies first, my dear."

Without even stopping to say thank you, Rosanna rushes into the cave, going as far back as she can go. Once she's certain that she can't be seen by the Sorceress or Bretman, she lays out her caveman getup and begins to undo the white buttons on her dress. Her hands are trembling so hard that she nearly loses a button. _This could be it,_ she thinks in anguish. _I could be dressing to die._

Matt...is he still waiting for her, back in the living world? Does he still believe in her? Or has he given up too?

She tries to think positive. Positive thoughts have always been her shield and sword. _I can do this. I'll win the challenge. I've won one before, back in Everlock._ But Teala Dunn was an easy opponent, and Bretman Rock is harder, and even if Rosanna _does_ survive, she _still_ won't be able to forget about the impassive look on Joey's face when he showed her his Socialite card. That blow, for her, was worse than anything else she's ever experienced, up to and including her own death.

_Joey, why?_ Her knees give way. _What did I do to deserve this?_

At last, she succumbs to her despair, and she sobs a torrent of tears all over her face, hands, and skirt. The cursed museum of Purgatory has never felt so cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: It's Rosanna vs. Bretman in the depths of the dinosaur pit. One will suffer what might be the most painful final death yet, while the other will emerge from the bloody pool with a new perspective. Tune in next time...


	50. Cinnamon Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bretman and Rosanna are confronted with a prehistoric scavenger hunt that will bring one of their lives to a violent end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, we've reached Chapter Fifty. Thank you so much for all the support that you've shown me and my writing over the years! Also, _I don't want to write this anymore I'm so sorry_—

When Bretman hears that he'll have to wear a new outfit for this challenge, he wonders what sort of outfit it will be. _It better be cute,_ he decides. _And it better have a slit, and it better show some skin._

As luck would have it, he and Rosanna's brand-new caveman outfits fulfill all those requirements. They are both made of greyish-brown fur that looks like it could be from a wolf, and they both have a shoulder-exposing slit (Rosanna's left shoulder is visible, as is Bretman's right shoulder). They also each come with a simple little rope that is used as a belt. Rosanna's brown hair has been pulled up into a high ponytail, and Bretman's skirt has an extra slit at the leg. Both are serving prehistoric realness.

_Yeah, just fresh off the Fashion Week 2000 BC,_ crows Bretman, strutting all the way to the raptors' feeding pit. _If I die, at least I'll die cute._ He remembers Nikita's admonishment against dying ugly. _You proud of me, babe? Wherever the hell you are?_

Joey and Colleen are waiting for Bretman and Rosanna at the velociraptors' feeding pit. Bretman ignores them, grabs the instructions that sit next to a bust of the Cursed God, and reads them to Rosanna.

_To perform the sacred ritual, you must gather a brain, a heart, and an eyeball, then place them one by one in your basin and chant the spell. The first to do so will receive the key, and the other will be devoured._

Lovely. Great. Bretman's a snack, but not _that_ kind of snack. He swallows hard, balls his hands against the side of his skirt, and thinks of his family back at home. They will _not_ have to be told that their son, brother, and uncle got chewed up by some wack-ass dinosaurs.

Not if he can help it.

Rosanna's eyes are dry now. She's still smarting from Joey's betrayal, but she'd rather not think about it while she still has a challenge to complete. _No one's coming to save me._ It's a thought of sad hopelessness and teeth-clenched determination all at once. _I gotta save myself. I'm a fighter. I can't forget that._

"So we're looking for a brain, a heart, and an eyeball." She counts off the items as she names them. "In here?"

The raptor's pit is gross. It's a small lake of reddish-brown muck filled with the blood, guts, and bones of all the raptors' previous victims, along with a generous portion of human excrement. Not far away, the two raptors lurk menacingly, no doubt waiting for their dinner. Rosanna's stomach nearly rage-quits right here.

"Are you both ready?" asks the Sorceress.

Bretman's "yeah" is tiny.

Rosanna nods, steeling herself for what's to come, even as the shards of her heart scrap against her ribs. "As ready as we'll ever be."

"And begin!"

The two rivals charge together into the dinosaur pool, while Joey shouts "Good luck, guys! Come on! You got this!" from the sidelines. His encouragement lifts Rosanna's spirits for a second before reality hits. _I'm still a fool for love and friendship. Some things never change._

Soon, Bretman's knee-deep in the icky pit, searching for the body parts he needs to survive. The water is cold, it looks like blood, and there are skulls everywhere, but none of that matters. He can always throw up after he's won.

"Come on, Ro!" Colleen cheers. "Get your hands in there! Find it!"

The raptors snarl.

"Omigosh, careful of the dinosaurs!" Joey frets.

_Yeah, you think I don't know, bitch?_ thinks Bretman. _I can_ see _them!_

"I just got something!" Rosanna pulls a bony foot out of the water. "A _foot?_ Are you kidding me!" She flings it aside. "We don't need a foot!"

Like the bad bitch that he is, Bretman quickly finds the heart and puts it in his basin. Actually, no. He didn't find the heart. The _heart_ found _him,_ honey! It won't be long before the brain and the eyeball find him as well!

"What's this?" Rosanna pulls something out of the water. It turns out to be one of her boots, which somehow came off her foot. "My boot! This is my boot!" She turns around and throws the boot to the raptors. "Here, dinosaur! Eat my boot!"

An idea comes into her head. _Why not make friends with the raptors? Why not train them, like Chris Pratt? What have I got to lose?_

So she unleashes her inner raptor trainer. "Here you go!" she yells, tossing bones to the dinosaurs. "Good boy! Good boy!" It's almost like she's giving treats and love to her dog, Cookie, instead of desperately trying to appease prehistoric beasts that want to kill her. "Sit! Stay! Stay!"

Colleen _really_ needs Rosanna to win this one. Bretman's _got_ to go. But Rosanna has only found feet and bones, and now she's resorted to talking to the dinosaurs. _Ro, these aren't your fur babies! These are not your friends!_

(Trust Rosanna Pansino to try and befriend everything in her path.)

Bretman's clammy hands clamp down on something soft. He lifts it up, and it's a brain. "I got a brain!" he rejoices as he takes it over to his basin. _I found the brain, honey! Cause I'm smart like that!_

"Ro, find something!" screams Joey. "Come on!"

Icky water leaks into Bretman's boots. His hands are getting cold. This is _so_ not his idea of fun.

Everything that Rosanna steps on and grabs is just not the right item. She's got _nothing,_ while Bretman's got his brain _and_ his heart. Her bootless foot is all scratched up, her limbs are numb from the water, and the hope of seeing her friends again is all that keeps her going.

Finally, she finds a thick, dense skull that could very well have a brain inside. "I got something!" she pants.

"What'd you get?" asks Joey.

Rosanna inspects the skull. "Is there a brain in here?" As it turns out, there is, so she puts the whole skull into her bowl. _I did it!_ She smiles and frowns in quick succession. _But I've got two other objects left._

Joey feels sympathetic chills just from _watching_ this challenge. The combatants are fighting _so_ hard that Bretman's clothes are _literally_ falling off. Then again, Joey feels like that was a choice Bretman made.

Bretman screams through gritted teeth. "God!"

"I'm digging!" grunts Rosanna.

The dinosaurs roar, and Joey grows afraid.

Rosanna is digging down as deep as she can into the mud. She's moving her thighs, her legs, and her arms, giving her whole body a workout. She's feeling everything, and she's finding...nothing. Only rocks and poopoo.

_You and me, we make each other better..._

Her special song doesn't sound right anymore.

She accidentally touches a turd, causing her to convulse in disgust. The dramatic raspberry she blows tastes like sweat. Her tired mind isn't certain if it can keep up with her glassy eyes. Everything aches. How long must this go on?

"How big are these eyeballs?" Bretman shouts in frustration.

Joey shrugs. "Probably the size of an eyeball?"

_Oh, thanks, Joey. That's a big help._ Bretman allows himself a quick sigh before getting back to prehistoric business. He doesn't even know what his toes are touching right now, but he has his mind on one thing only, and it's to send Miss Rosanna packing. He deserves this. She does not.

Still no eyeball, and no heart, either. Rosanna's getting very close to ripping out her _own_ eyeball and putting it in the bowl. What's an eye compared to a life? Besides, it would make a cool story. She could wear an eye patch, like a pirate, except not, because pirates are bad.

"Feel with your feet!" advises Colleen. "Squish around with your toes! I don't know!"

"Okay!" Rosanna calls back, grateful for the Duchess's support.

"Oh, your hat!" observes Bretman. "They're gonna eat your hat!" He uses his head to gesture to the agitated raptors.

Rosanna keeps digging. "Yeah, doesn't want to leave me." She can't even make sense of _herself_ at this point. Is this what it's like to go insane? "Okay, where are you, eyeball?!?"

"Ugh, where's your eyeball?" Bretman screams at a skull. _Seriously, guys! This has gone on long enough! Like, I'm actually getting scared now, because I don't want to die in a shitty pool! Where the hell is that goddamn eye—_

And then, he finds the eyeball.

_Thank God!_ He puts it in the bowl, pointedly ignoring Rosanna's despondent face. _This is it. I'm sorry, mi amor._

He reads the ritual. "Crimson fires burning bright, Cursed God that rules the night, banish the shadows from the sight, and with these remains, restore the light."

The Cursed God statue's eyes glow green. The drawer underneath it opens. Just like that, Rosanna's fate is sealed.

_What? No!_ "Are you kidding?" The Socialite whirls around to face the salivating raptors. "No...stay..." She holds out a shaking hand to keep them from coming any closer, because she's still in that delusional false hope that she can train them like Chris Pratt. _I just gotta be nice to them, right? I try to be nice to everyone. Sometimes, they're not nice back, but that's okay...it's gonna be...okay..._

No, that's wrong. It's not okay. Throwing people under the bus because they haven't done challenges yet is not at _all_ okay.

"Stay," she repeats frantically. "Stay." But it's no good. The raptors are already sizing her up, their jaws deformed into toothy smiles of hunger. None of the dinosaur books she read were enough preparation for how terrifying these beasts truly are. _Please, dinosaurs, don't eat me! I'm not a good meal anyway, I'm very small, and you'd still be hungry, but I'll be your friend if you just let me live!_

Bretman grabs the eighth jeweled key.

"Ro, I'm sorry!" Joey cries, and Rosanna wants _so_ badly to accept his apology, but no matter how much she cares for him, she's still too hurt to even _speak_ to him. He's not Matt. He gets no love-you in her final hour.

"Ro," says Bretman, "I love you."

_I'm gonna die._ Rosanna's tears return. _Be brave, Ro. Be brave for Matt._

The raptors close in on her. "No," she squeaks, doing her best to keep her voice as courageous as she can, but ultimately failing. "No, no, no, no..." She tries to run away, but it's hard to run through the muck, so she resorts to climbing on top of a rock to try and make herself look bigger than the predators. That's supposed to scare them away. She read it somewhere. Nothing else has worked, and no one's going to jump in and save her, so she has to—

She tumbles off the rock and hits her head on the way down. Soon, she's boxed in by several rocks. There's nowhere else to run.

_Someone, please! Do something! Don't let them get me! Help! Help!_

Both dinosaurs attack their prey. One moves in to feast on her stomach, while the other sinks its teeth into her right arm and bites it clean off. _My arm!_ Rosanna is bombarded with pain and blood from all sides of her darkening senses. _It hurts!_ She screams in broken sobs. _Please, stop! I wanna go home!_

Her cries go unheard. The dinosaurs rip her apart limb from limb, subjecting her to an agonizing death that feels like it lasts for millions of years.

_I wanna go home...I should've gone home..._

She weeps until the end.

Joey and Colleen turn away, covering their tear-stained faces with their hands, but Bretman stays right where he is and makes himself watch Rosanna Pansino die. _I take it back!_ his conscience wails as he wipes his runny nose against his wrist. _I take it all back! I don't want you dead! That dumb story wasn't worth shit! You were right to vote against it, Ro, I'm sorry,_ please…

It's too late. Too tragically, terribly late. She's long past gone.

Only now, under the pale light of the prehistoric moon, does Bretman truly comprehend the gravity of his selfishness. Because of him, an innocent girl is now nothing more than a dismembered mess of blood and guts. He hates himself more than anyone.

The satisfied raptors slink away, leaving Rosanna's mangled corpse behind. Once it's safe to move, Bretman joins the rest of the traumatized group on the banks of the dinosaur pit, and they all run over to pay their respects to the fallen Socialite. Joey's cry of "Ro!" is a soft, regretful wail that sounds as if it's being squeezed out of his heart.

"Omigod!" shrieks Colleen.

Bretman can barely keep it together. "Omigod..." _I was wrong. She_ did _deserve to survive. And she would've, if I hadn't been such a stupid bitch._

The caveman kneels beside what's left of Rosanna and murmurs a wordless prayer.

"We love you, Ro," Joey whispers. "Come on. We have to go."

"Come on, guys, let's go," sighs Colleen.

As the group departs the dinosaur pit, Bretman makes a silent promise that he will _never_ sink as low as he has in the last few challenges. No more vengeful pettiness. No more superiority over the dead. From now on, he'll be the rescuer that he should've been all along, and he'll protect his remaining friends with everything he's got. Being a bad bitch can't compare to being a good man.

Over his shoulder, he sees the caveman touch the Cursed God's statue. Green light connects them. Something seems wrong. Is this the end of a primitive challenge...or the beginning of a cursed nightmare?

_Ro..._ Tears rain down Joey's face as the knowledge of what he's done sinks into his mind. _I'm so sorry._ This is exactly like what he did to Liza two years ago. For all his dreams of redeeming himself and making everything right, he's no better now than he was back then. He hasn't changed at all.

Bretman briefly stops at a cave to change into his regular clothes, and then, it's back to the museum lounge for the three remaining YouTubers. They file through the door like battle-weary soldiers, profoundly aware of the gentle presence that's no longer in their midst.

"Gosh," mutters Bretman, shaking his head.

Joey can't think about Rosanna without despising himself for the role he played in her demise. He still hears her screaming bloody murder, and he's sure that her mutilated remains will become yet another bloody fixture in the haunted mind he should've lost long ago. "Poor little cinnamon roll..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Rosanna. Fly high, little angel.  
Next chapter: A plot twist or something. I don't know. I'm just the author. Leave me alone to die.


	51. Under New Management

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three surviving YouTubers have one more key to retrieve before they can escape the Museum of the Dead. But the Collector is on her way back, and things are about to go from bad to worse...

"That was awful," Colleen moans, her stomach churning with saddened disgust. _Ro got eaten by dinosaurs! Joey is a horrible friend! How could he just turn on her like that for no damn reason?_ Her trust issues return in full force. _If he can hurt her, he can still hurt me._

"I know," whimpers Bretman. "There's three of us left."

Colleen's mind mumbles profanities as she struggles to collect her thoughts. "We still have to find one more key," she sighs, "so that means one more of us has to die." She hopes it's Bretman, because he's still the worst, but what if it's _her?_ What if Bretman comes for revenge and votes her into another challenge? Or worse, what if _Joey_ turns on her?

She's on the edge of madness.

Joey and Bretman came into Purgatory on a rescue mission, but now, the only one left to rescue is Colleen. If they can't save her, this whole rescue mission is a failure. All the more reason for Joey to keep her safe. Whatever it takes.

_Those words cannot justify your crimes, you son of a bitch._

"Well, you guys, we don't have that much time, either," says Bretman, walking over to the Armageddon Clock. "We have thirty minutes until we all turn into ashes."

Joey swallows hard. He'd almost forgotten about _that_ little detail. "Holy shit. Okay. We...there's no time to wait. Just put the key in. We have to do this."

Bretman says "okay," approaches the vault, and uses the eighth jeweled key.

"Shit's about to hit the fan," Joey confides quietly to Colleen. Every new key has brought a new threat. What will it be _this_ time? And how much farther does he have to fall?

All of a sudden, the gang hears a thunderous boom, which causes Colleen to jump and say "omigod." Then, it happens again. And again. It's getting farther and farther away. Finally, it stops, and it's replaced with a bizarre whisper unlike anything Colleen's ever heard.

Colleen grips Joey's arm. She does _not_ like ASMR, so this is not pleasing to her. _What did we just unlock?_

Bretman's still in his post-Rosanna funk. He does _not_ have the energy to deal with creepy whispering voices at this time of night.

"Guys, the key just opened another exhibit," says Joey, inching forward, "and I don't wanna know what it is, but we kinda _have_ to go find out."

_Do we, though?_ "I'd rather just die with everybody else," Bretman grumbles, and much to his own surprise, he's being completely sincere. They only have thirty minutes to go, someone else still has to die, the Collector will be back any minute now, and the new exhibit sounds scary as hell. Why bother? Shouldn't they just stay here and get what they deserve?

He shakes off such a hopeless thought and follows his friends to the next exhibit. After all, no matter how screwed up his head is, his heart still wants to survive, and his heart can take his head down any day.

"Nine keys down, one to go...omigod." Joey stops short at a newly-opened door. "When did _this_ open? Is this the final exhibit?"

He, Colleen, and Bretman cautiously enter the exhibit. It's a blue-tinted room that they haven't seen all night long. There are branches and weird stuff everywhere. Joey's getting strange vibes, as if he should know this place, but he can't quite place it in his memory.

Before the YouTubers can explore it any further, the Sorceress sees a wooden staff, and delight spreads across her features. "My staff!" Her tone is a victorious snarl. "The Collector had it all this time!"

_Oh, hell yeah!_ "This is great!" Joey exclaims. "No, this is great! This is good news!"

"Yeah, you can help us!" shouts Colleen.

_With this staff,_ thinks Joey, _the Sorceress will get her powers back, and we'll have a fighting chance against the Collector._ He never thought that he'd be grateful for the support of the woman who stabbed him to death, but times have changed since those old Victorian days.

_This was here the whole time?_ gripes Bretman to himself. _Like, sis, were you even_ trying _to look for your staff?_

The Sorceress grabs hold of her staff. "I can feel my magic coming back into me." Her laughter begins as a sinister giggle and evolves into a maniacal roar of triumph.

"Well, what else could be in here?" asks Colleen. "I mean, if that's helping her, maybe there's more stuff in here that can help us."

This is when Bretman takes note of a glowing green jar at the center of the room. "What's this?" He walks over to it and peers suspiciously into its green depths. Much to his surprise, there are people—_human souls_—wriggling around in there. He doesn't recognize anyone at first, but the longer he stares at the souls, the more familiar their faces seem. "Holy shit..."

"What?" questions Joey as he and Colleen join Bretman at the jar.

It all clicks into place as soon as Bretman catches sight of a soul that Nikita's spent many nights crying over. "Guys...we found our friends."

_Shane Dawson. Andrea Brooks. GloZell Green. Sierra Furtado. Matt Haag. Lele Pons. Lauren Riihimaki. Jesse Wellens. Liza Koshy. Jc Caylen. Roi Fabito. Teala Dunn. Safiya Nygaard. Manny Mua._

They're here. All of them. Everyone who wasn't with the exhibit. They were trapped in this jar all along.

Joey can still save them.

"Well, how do we get them out?" frets Colleen. "Can we get them out?"

_We can. We will. No matter what. I'm not failing them like I failed the others._ "I don't know..."

"Wait, you guys, there's a book in here," says Bretman.

Indeed, beside the green jar is a book. But before the group can peruse it, a furious voice booms "Who dare disturb my museum?!?" at a volume so deafening that all of Purgatory can hear it. Joey runs to the window, and his worst fear is realized.

The Collector has returned. And she looks _very_ angry.

Colleen gulps. "What do we do?" She doesn't want to go anywhere _near_ the crazy woman in the courtyard, _especially_ since said crazy woman is the one who trapped her here in the first place.

The Sorceress sneers. _"I'm_ going to go talk to her."

With that, she stomps out the door.

Colleen, Bretman, and Joey have no choice but to follow her outside, where they find themselves standing face to face with the Collector herself. Colleen purposely doesn't look at their enemy's face for fear of being incinerated by furious dark eyes. Instead, she focuses her attention on the ninth jeweled key, which dangles around the Collector's slender neck.

_If we can get that from her,_ whispers whatever courage the Duchess still has left, _we can get out of here! This is amazing! Sorceress, hello! Do your magic! Kill the bitch!_

"The children have gotten outside of their exhibit," hisses the Collector in heavy tones, "and they need to go back inside!"

_Honey, I was never in an exhibit to begin with,_ Bretman's smartass self silently corrects her.

"And you think, because you have _my_ keys, there's a way out?" The Collector shakes her head, and her aura pulses with crimson rage. "You destroyed my collection! You stay here forever!" She draws herself up to her full majesty. "Prepare for my wrath!"

The Sorceress steps out from the shadows and raises her glowing staff. "I think you've forgotten who's among your exhibit! I'm not so easily discarded, _bitch!"_

"Come on, Sorceress," pleads Joey.

_Yes, please!_ Bretman cranes his neck to view the showdown that's about to happen. _Sorceress, take this Collector bitch down to Hell!_

The two villainesses charge at each other, clashing their staffs in red and purple light. At first, their battle is too close to call, but that's before the Sorceress jabs her staff into the Collector's leg, causing the darker woman to scream and stumble to the ground. The Sorceress then draws her knife and stabs the Collector twice. The Collector lets out one last shriek before fading into death.

Joey is practically dancing with glee. _"Yes!"_

Bretman's eyes widen, and he smiles. It's done. Their war is over. The bitch is dead, long live the bitch. Is this the group's way out of here? Are they finally going home?

"That was incredible," says Joey to the grinning Sorceress.

Colleen laughs in relief. "You did it!"

"Sorcerer," breathes Bretman, "Omigod..."

But then, the Sorceress's grin turns sinister. "The museum is _mine_ now!" she cackles. "You must go back to your exhibit where you belong!"

Bretman's jaw drops. "What?" _Omigod. She's turning on us. The Sorceress is faker than me, and how can you outfake me?_

So the Sorceress was never _really_ on their side. She was only using the group so that she could get her staff back and take the museum for herself. What a selfish bitch!

In retrospect, Joey doesn't know why he's so surprised. This _is_ the same woman who murdered him. Why did he think she'd be different?

_If she'd changed...I could've changed too...I wanted us both to be better..._

To make matters worse, the Collector's soul suddenly returns to her body, and she comes alive with loud, low, disturbing laughter.

Joey, now utterly freaked out, turns to his friends. "She can't die?!?"

The Collector rises to her feet and smirks at the horrified group. "You think you can kill me? In my own museum?" She sounds as if she finds the very premise illogical. "My soul will return here forever!"

"Wait, if the Sorceress can't even kill her," panics Joey, "how are _we_ gonna kill her?" _The Sorceress has magic powers. What do_ we _have? We're YouTubers! Sure, I learned some tips on how to fight from the Society Against Evil, but that's not gonna be enough against a nigh-immortal threat like her!_

"Yours, on the other hand," the Collector continues, pointing at the Sorceress, "will go to Hell!"

"What do we do?" cries Colleen.

The Collector slams the tip of her staff against the ground. Smoke rises, and from that smoke...

_Oh, no!_

"Meet my latest collection!"

These are the monsters of Joey's past. The Guardian of the cursed 1920s carnival...a Victorian vampire...the blue harpy who killed Liza...a clown of the Killer Clown Clan...the Man with No Name...Lucy the demented cheerleader...even the wicked Carnival Master himself. Enemies, all of them, brought to ruin by Joey and his friends.

"She brought them all back!" Joey screams. "Omigod! The Carnival Master!" _This is it. We're all about to die._

Colleen and Bretman cower behind Joey. Colleen babbles a string of incoherent pleas, while Bretman yells "who _are_ they?" repeatedly in an increasingly terrified tone. He's lucky to not know who these creatures are. They're all like family to Joey, except family that want to kill him, and he's killed them. It's a very dysfunctional family, to say the least.

"Remember them?" the Collector bellows. "They have not forgotten you!"

"Please, please, please, please, please, can we go, please, can we go?" begs Colleen.

The Collector raises her voice into the loudest, scariest roar to ever ring through Purgatory. _"Bring me their heads!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Who's Who of Escape the Night Past. Also, Colleen talks too much, and we get some backstory on a long-dead monster.


	52. Five Steps Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey, Colleen, and Bretman are on the run from a horde of the ghosts of monsters past. Will they find a way out?

"Guys, go!" Joey makes for the stairs, as do his friends. "Go! Run! Go!" He notices that the Sorceress and the Collector are about to start fighting again. Good. That'll keep _them_ busy. But there's still the Collector's menagerie of monsters to outrun.

"Shit!" screams Colleen. "Where do we go?"

The three YouTubers reenter the museum and immediately go into hiding. Joey and Bretman duck behind the couch, while Colleen conceals herself in a curtain. They've only just settled into their spots when the monsters tramp their way into the lounge. Joey gets goosebumps at the sight of them.

"Come on, I wanna taste you!" bellows the clown.

The blue harpy sneers. "I have a _score_ to settle with you!"

At this point, the only way to escape tonight is to get that final key from the Collector. But how are they going to do it with all of these killer monsters chasing them everywhere?

The Collector and the Sorceress stand eye-to-eye, their spears raised. "Prepare to beg, bitch," the Collector snarls.

"I think you underestimate me," cackles the Sorceress, hurling a bolt of purple energy at the Collector.

But the Collector easily counters the Sorceress's attack with red energy of her own. "Do I?"

The Sorceress lets out a raspy war cry and charges towards her foe.

Colleen thought her worst nightmare was the first time she got killed. Then, she thought her worst nightmare was the second time she got killed. But no. This is _worse_ than her worst nightmare.

"Come out and _play!"_

There's no way back. If Colleen dies, she'll die for good, and Flynn will die along with her. The thought makes her sick.

Luckily, the monsters soon leave the lounge to search the rest of the museum. The YouTubers, upon leaving their hiding places, discover that the Armageddon Clock has opened up. As Joey pulls a vial of crimson sand out of the clock, Bretman grabs the accompanying note and wonders "What _is_ this?"

_The Collector's wrath holds no limit. If any of her monsters capture you, you'll be taken to the Gorgon's lair and held for two minutes before being slain by the Carnival Master. To be released, the others must all place a hand on the warrior's statue._

So basically, this note translates to _don't get captured, Colleen, cause if you get captured, you are_ so _gonna die._ Bretman won't lift a finger to save her (why the hell _would_ he?), and Joey—

"Listen, we're in this together," says Joey, interrupting Colleen's dark thoughts. "We've fought through _so_ much to be here, and I wanna escape the night with you two. Okay?" He pauses to allow for a brief murmur of assent from Bretman, then continues, his voice rising in passionate intensity. "So if any of us get caught, we have to _promise_ each other that we're gonna go to the Gorgon's lair and get each other free."

_Does he mean that?_ In this moment, Colleen both trusts and doesn't trust Joey; it's like she's got a Schrodinger's Box of emotions towards the Savant. _He said he'd save me, but I don't know how much his words are worth. If I need him, will he be there, or will I have to fight alone?_

But she and Bretman agree to Joey's promise anyway, and she crosses her fingers that she still has a friend in this hellhole.

Good thing that she grabbed the Collector's book on her way out of the creepy soul jar room. She opens it. "There's a note in here." _There's always a damn note._

_The Collector cannot be slain in her museum, but she can be turned to stone by the Sword of All Legends. An emblem from each era must be gathered and placed around Excalibur to receive it. The first lies within the halls of Egypt._

Okay. That's fine. They just have to go on a scavenger hunt throughout the museum while avoiding all the monsters that want to kill them. What could go wrong?

So this Collector bitch _can_ be killed! That's a relief. Bretman was beginning to worry that he and his friends were screwed, so it's good to hear that there's still a way out. Too bad they've got to jump through all these freakin' hoops to get there.

The trio sneaks out of the lounge, staying low so as not to be seen. They don't get very far before Lucy spots them. "Joey!" she squeals in a tone that gives Bretman the creeps.

"Oh, shit!" Joey scrambles to his feet. "Go, go, go! To the exhibit!"

They make it to the Egyptian exhibit just in time to slam the doors in the monsters' collective faces. The monsters pound against the door, hollering profanities, all to no avail. Bretman would laugh if he wasn't so terrified. _Can't get us in here, bitches!_

"They're crazy!" exclaims Joey.

Colleen nods. "Yeah. They're insane. Let's not talk about it. Let's just keep going." She peers at a codex. "Wait, what is this?"

_The letters of a land forgotten by time can release me._

"There's some sort of code with these letters," says Joey. "But..." He shakes his head. "I have no idea."

_Well, I guess this is where I come in,_ thinks Bretman, counting off the letters in the codex. "Two, three, four, five. It would be five letters. Is Egypt five letters?" _We're in the Egyptian exhibit, bitch! The word is Egypt!_

Much to his annoyance, Colleen acts as if he hasn't said a word. "What can you forget about over time? What land? Like sand?"

Bretman rolls his eyes. Again, no one's listening to him. _Obviously, I'm the dumbest bitch, and I made it out here on accident! It's not like I actually worked my ass off to survive! Oh, no, it's fine, let's ignore Bretman, we're all so much smarter than him anyway!_

"I mean, we _could_ try Egypt," Joey concedes.

"Let's try Egypt," insists Bretman. "That's five letters." _Come on. You know I'm right._

They try Egypt, and sure enough, that's the right answer. "It worked!" gasps Joey.

"We did it!" cheers Colleen.

_Like I said,_ crows Bretman silently, pumping both fists in the air, _I know what the hell I'm doing._

The codex opens. Inside, Joey finds the first emblem. "Beautiful," he gushes, holding the gem delicately in his hands. "It's like a green emerald color." He wishes he could keep it.

"You guys!" shouts Bretman.

Joey snaps out of his gem daze. "Okay, okay, okay." He slips the emblem into Bretman's bag.

The monsters continue to bang on the door, provoking a _"bitch"_ from Colleen.

"Nobody's here," whimpers Bretman.

Joey's stomach turns. "Omigod." He hurriedly reads the first emblem's note in order to distract himself from the impending danger.

_The second emblem sits beneath Vishnu's feet._

So the group sets off for the Indian exhibit. "Be careful, Joey," whispers Bretman as Joey creaks the Egyptian door open and tiptoes into the hallway. Colleen and Bretman follow him out, looking like a pair of frightened mice.

_We're a team,_ thinks Joey. _The plan is to stick together._

Suddenly, the blue harpy attacks them. Joey bolts out the door, Bretman and Colleen run in two different directions, and everything is chaos. "Go!" screams Joey. "Run!" _The plan has failed! Now it's every man for themselves. Just what I didn't want._

_Are you freakin' kidding me!_ Colleen rants to herself while cowering behind her favorite curtain. _Joey not only is responsible for two of my deaths, but now he goes and ditches me?!?_ She's too upset to care about semantics or technicalities. _If this is you protecting me, Joey, you're doing a crappy job of it!_

"Come out and play!" yells the blue harpy.

Lucy sticks her lips out in a pout. "Joey!" she whines. She looks like a toddler on the verge of a tantrum.

Joey's voice floats into the room, sending waves of relief through Colleen's soul. "Colleen?"

_Okay. He's back. Joey's here._

But so, too, are the monsters.

There are too many of them. Why does this always happen? Every time, Joey ends up afraid, alone, and locked in a wild goose chase where one false step can mean the end. He sighs. The pattern of his life is too horribly familiar.

"Bitch," he hears Colleen whisper, and he mumbles a relieved prayer at the sound of her voice.

Bretman's sassy tones are next to be heard. "Blind bitches."

"Bretman?" Joey shouts, concern creeping down his spine.

"Where's Joey?" Bretman whispers to Colleen. He knows that Joey's still alive, because he just heard his voice a second ago, but as long as they're all scattered like this, none of them are safe. The sooner they get back to being a whole group, the better!

Colleen looks like she's about to freak out. "I don't know." Something in her exhausted tone makes Bretman feel _really_ bad for her.

"Let's have some fun!" screams the clown from outside.

_Let's not._

Joey calls "Colleen?" from nearby, and soon enough, all the YouTubers are hollering for each other by name. This is not the best idea, given all the monsters, but much to Bretman's stoked surprise, the three of them manage to reunite without getting attacked or captured by any monsters along the way. It's an actual miracle. They really need more of those.

"What happened?" Bretman demands to know of Joey.

"God, that was _so_ terrifying," frets Joey. "There's so many of them!" His head is reeling from all the insanity of the last few minutes. God knows how he's going to make it through the rest of this scavenger hunt without having a stroke!

Colleen's voice spikes with panic. "I know! What do we do? How do we do this? I'm so stressed!"

"Let's just go run out there and hide," says Joey, who's willing to try anything.

_"All_ of us?" squeaks Colleen.

"Yes." Joey reaches for the doorknob. "Let's go." _It's now or never. If we don't get moving, we're sitting ducks._

Bretman bites his lip. "Wait until they're, like..."

"Three, two, one," Joey counts off. "Let's go."

The trio tiptoes out the door and runs to the Indian rotunda where Vishnu resides. Unfortunately, the clown and the Guardian both happen to be prowling around that area, so Joey, Colleen, and Bretman have to hide behind Vishnu and pray not to be spotted. Only once the monsters begin to lope back towards the museum do the YouTubers feel safe enough to wriggle around the statue in search of the next clue.

"Anything?" barks the clown.

Joey frowns. This is going to be _so_ exhausting if this is what it takes to to get to each exhibit.

"You don't wanna get me angry!" the clown threatens.

A giant box sits together with three bags at Vishnu's feet. Joey finds a note and reads it.

_Carry the bags of sacred earth across the grounds to the remains of Garuda to help him pay his penance in hell._

"Omigod, they're so heavy," Joey whines as he lifts one of the bags. "There's _three_ bags!" These bags are for _sure_ going to slow them down, which will put them at a _major_ disadvantage against the monsters that are hunting for them.

Oh, great. Now they have to carry some bags to the remains of Garuda. Colleen doesn't even know where that is, and these things are _very_ heavy!

Each survivor takes a bag, and together, they make their way back through the bushes and up the stairs. After checking to make sure that no monsters are looking in their direction, they sprint the last few feet to the museum's door. This, unfortunately, attracts the attention of the Guardian, and he goes after them. "Omigod." Colleen's blood pumps in her ears. "Omigod!"

"Get inside!" shouts Joey. "Get inside!"

"Omigod, I'm very slow, I'm very slow, I'm very slow!" shrieks Colleen, who is last inside and just barely outruns the Guardian.

The doors click shut. The Guardian roars in frustrated vexation.

Once everyone's safe, Colleen takes a moment to assess her situation, and as it turns out, she has a very weird reaction to stress and fear. "This is all making me gassy." She burps and groans. "Girl..." _Have I always been like this, or is this a died-twice thing?_

Joey giggles sympathetically. Colleen grants him a grin.

Bretman's, like, _really_ on it. These bitches don't even remember who Garuda is, so when the group goes back outside to look for him, it's Bretman who spots the familiar bird mask and says "Girl, that's him right there!"

"Okay," gasps Joey. "Right here. Drop them. Okay." He puts down his bag and picks up Garuda's mask. "So do we get anything? All right. Drop it!"

Colleen and Bretman put their bags next to Joey's. Seconds later, the box at Vishnu's feet opens. "You guys," says Bretman, pointing to it, "something opened back there." _It's probably the next emblem. Just saying._

Joey says "there's a chest," and all three run over to it. "Okay." Joey retrieves the emblem from the box. "We got another stone. Where's the bag?"

Bretman opens the bag for Joey, then reads the second emblem's note.

_The next ones lies where the Emperor once sat to think._

Okay. Well. Bretman's not going to be much help with _this_ stupid clue. He doesn't know where the Emperor sat. He never even _went_ to that part of the museum! Neither did Joey, come to think of it, so..._Colleen, babe, I know you're pissed, and it's what we deserve, but_ please _pull through._

"Oh, I remember this bitch!" Colleen exclaims. "It's upstairs." _Can't wait to flip off the Emperor's grave._ God, _he was_ such _a prick!_

Before she can clarify further, the killer clown bursts onto the scene, growling "Oh, you are _mine!"_ in low, threatening tones. The YouTubers crawl around the statue and make a break for the bushes, but Colleen's habitual slowness holds her back a _second_ too long. Before she can get back on her feet, the clown pounces on her, grabs her arms, and pins them behind her back. "Ah, yes! Yes!"

"No! No!" _Please, oh_ please _don't do this! Let me go!_ "You guys, help me!"

The clown's smile is downright demented. "You're mine now!" She and the Guardian work together to march a screaming Colleen away.

Colleen is honest to God about to break down. Captured _again?_ What is this, the _tenth_ time her life's been in danger? After all the awful, painful horrors they've already put her through, when will enough be enough? "Joey, help me!" she cries to the friend who once vowed to protect her. "You guys have to come save me! You have to put your hands on that statue!"

"Shut up and go!" snaps the clown.

_Omigod, I hope Bretman has forgiven me for trying to kill him a little bit ago,_ prays the part of Colleen's heart that still believes in something. _If he and Joey don't care enough, I really_ am _a goner._ She thinks of her child and sobs.

"Omigod." Joey catches his breath, tears in his eyes. "I can't believe they got her." _Why her? Out of the three of us, why did they have to take Colleen? She deserves to get out of here a hell of a lot more than I do!_ "Okay, listen." He turns to Bretman. "Do you remember what the note said of where we need to go next?"

"I don't," responds Bretman, "but all I know is, we _need_ to save Colleen."

He's right. Rescuing Colleen should be their number one priority. Besides, she's the only one who knows where the next emblem is. "Do we go save her? Do we go look at the note?"

Bretman shakes his head as tears well up in his brown eyes, and Joey is struck by how young and afraid the seemingly-badass Playboy truly is. "Let's just see the note first," Bretman finally decides, "and then save her."

"Okay." _Hang on, Colleen. We'll find you. Don't give up on us yet._

"You know," Colleen rambles as she's dragged to the Gorgon's lair, "I can help you guys! I can help you do your evil things and kill people if you just let me go!" She doesn't really mean it. It's just that she's pretty sure that she's about to be sacrificed and murdered, and when she gets nervous, she talks. "If you want, I can become a killer..."

The Carnival Master is waiting amongst the statues, an altar by his side and a thurible in his hand.

"Oh, you're very scary," squeaks Colleen. _He's the one who was trying to destroy Everlock, right? So, in a way, it's kinda_ his _fault that I died in the 70s, and now he's gonna kill me again. It's all coming full circle!_ She trembles violently.

The Guardian and the clown force Colleen to the Carnival Master's altar. "Lie down," the clown orders.

"Lie down?" Colleen doesn't have much of a choice. As she's settled onto the altar, she spots the Man with No Name, and she loses what's left of her composure. "Omigod, I hate that thing! I hate that thing! No, no, no, please!" The Carnival Master is speaking in a weird language that she doesn't understand (or _want_ to understand). "You're terrifying!"

"Do you like your life?" the Carnival Master queries, dangling his thurible over Colleen.

"Um..." stammers Colleen. "You know...I _did_..." _Before it became a nightmare._

The Carnival Master's golden thurible comes to rest just above Colleen's stomach, and he smiles knowingly down at her. "I think you can appreciate it a little more."

Colleen grimaces. This guy is _really_ creeping her out. "You know, I appreciate my life just fine!" She's already got enough going on; she is _so_ not in the mood to listen to her maybe-murderer try to be her freakin' life coach!

Bretman and Joey have recovered the note. "Let's bring it with us," says Joey. "Let's bring it with us. Let's just go."

Honestly, Bretman could not agree more. Saving Colleen is more important than wasting precious time reading a note. But they have to be careful. There are still monsters everywhere.

And sure enough, the boys quickly come across one of the monsters. It's that damn vampire.

"Run!" shouts Joey.

Bretman throws himself into the nearest plaza and lands flat on his face. He looks (and feels) like an idiot. If Nikita could see him now, she'd probably laugh. His blood burns at the thought.

The Carnival Master walks in a circle around the altar, still chanting strange words _(is he speaking in tongues?)_ in a low, dark voice. Colleen watches, crippled with fear, praying to every god she knows that Joey and Bretman will come rescue her before it's too late.

"Ulam..."

"Omigod." Colleen closes her eyes. _I hate this! Why is he taking so long? Does murdering me require a whole satanic ritual?_ Her breathing quickens, as does her heart. _Of course, if this long-ass chant means more time for my friends to save me, then by all means, mister, chant away!_

"Saclac!"

Colleen feels sick to her stomach. "What are you doing to me?" she sobs.

The Carnival Master gives no answer except for "Relo!"

"Reload?" This throws Colleen off. "Reload what?" She doesn't want to think too hard about whatever fate they've got planned for her, so she starts talking again. "You speak a very similar language to my newborn baby. I have a newborn baby. Yeah, I have a new baby!"

"Shut up!" the Carnival Master snaps at her.

Chills run down Colleen's spine. "Omigod!" Every second wasted is another second closer to death...and another second spent alive.

"Okay, clearly that way's not gonna work," says Joey, gesturing to the path blocked by the vampire. "We're gonna have to go through inside." They don't have time to dilly-dally. If they don't save Colleen soon, she'll be sacrificed by the Carnival Master, and Joey's last unbroken oath will break like all the rest.

He and Bretman creep through the house, keeping one eye open for monsters. "Look, right here, right here!" whispers Bretman, pointing ahead to a door. "There's an exit. I'll watch your back."

Joey smiles at Bretman, grateful for his support, and the two YouTubers head out of the museum to save their friend.

"This is _really_ uncomfortable," Colleen complains, scooting upwards on the altar, "so maybe we can..." She crosses her thighs. "You know...this is _not_ a good angle for him over there." By "him" she means the Man with No Name, who would have a clear view of the area between her legs if not for her efforts to keep that shit covered up. "I just gave birth, it's a mess down there, you don't want people to see that. But that _could_ be my power that I kill people with. Just show 'em the vag. It's _terrifying_ down there now. Lots of stitches." _What am I even_ saying? _Don't tell me I'm getting those should've-been memories mixed up with real life again._

"Do you ever stop talking?" the Carnival Master sighs.

_Nope. Not really. It's kinda how I live._

Joey and Bretman make it to the Gorgon's lair without incident. There, in the center of a ring of stone statues, being held down on an altar by various monsters, is Colleen. She's still alive. Pale as a bloodless ghost, yes, but still alive and relatively unharmed. Joey's determined to keep her that way, even if it means risking his own life in the process.

_Whatever it takes_ means something different now.

He quickly identifies the warrior's statue as the one that looks the most warrior-y. "That's what we have to touch," he whispers, pointing to the statue. "Okay, they're distracted with her right now. I think now's our chance."

"I'm telling you, it's like a reflex," babbles Colleen. "Like, I'm terrified, so I can't stop talking. I also desperately need water. I have, like, cotton mouth."

The Guardian roughly pulls her arm and grunts a wordless warning. Colleen gets it. She's pissing off the monsters, and that means they're probably going to kill her even sooner. But she _literally_ cannot stop talking!

Out of the corner of her eye, she spots Joey and Bretman approaching the warrior's statue, and her heart soars. _I guess they_ do _care enough to come back for me!_

Joey and Bretman lay hands on the statue. Almost instantly, golden magic throws the monsters backwards into the garden, freeing Colleen. She gasps "omigod" and jumps to her feet. For the first time in several hours, she feels wholeheartedly grateful to be alive.

"Colleen!" shouts Joey.

"Colleen!" echoes Bretman.

"Come on, let's go!" Joey waves Colleen forward. "Come on, Colleen! This way!"

_I have friends._ Colleen runs to join them. _At least, I think I do._ It sucks that she'll never know for sure.

Colleen is free, and Bretman is like _sis, I don't care what you were talking to them about, let me know where the Emperor's throne is so we can get the next emblem._ He knows as well as anyone that time is not on their side.

Fortunately, Colleen is more than willing to lead them to the Chinese exhibit, and before long, they're in the dead Emperor's abandoned throne room. "Yeah, he sat right there," gasps Colleen, gesturing to the throne. "He was a total prick!" She grabs a scroll. "Look, this is the scroll."

_The Emperor loved to think of himself as a hero. Assemble the—_

A loud shriek interrupts them, and they hide. The loud shriek turns out to have come from Lucy the evil cheerleader, who prances into the Emperor's throne room like she owns it. She giggles menacingly as she searches the room. The blue harpy is hot on her heels.

Bretman ducks between some chairs and scoots in to hide with Joey and Colleen underneath a dinky little table. It's a tight fit. _Please,_ Bretman prays, _don't let those bitches see us!_

Somehow, by the grace of God, his prayer is answered. Lucy and the blue harpy leave. The YouTubers come out of hiding, lock the doors, and go back to reading the note.

_Assemble the character before the throne, using the reeds to truly become one._

Colleen blinks. "What?"

"A symbol?" Joey starts pacing. "Before the throne..."

Bretman takes a bunch of reeds out of the vase next to the Emperor's throne. "I think we have to use these to make..." He points to the symbol on the scroll. "...that symbol right there." _I mean, duh. Isn't it obvious?_

"Omigod, you genius!" squeals Colleen. "I love you! My brain's not working, so I really appreciate the brain!"

_Finally,_ thinks Bretman, _someone recognizes the genius that I am!_ And it's Colleen, too. _That's_ a turn he wasn't expecting, since they were trying to kill each other not too long ago. Maybe there's still a chance for them to sort of get along?

Colleen is completely useless at this point. She's so scared of dying that she can't even be of proper help to Joey and Bretman. Thank God for Bretman's brainpower, or else they'd _all_ be screwed.

_Don't you hate Bretman?_ her bitterness reminds her. _Don't you want him dead?_

Truth be told, she knows that this is no time to remember her grudge.

"So we need the two little ones here," she says, setting the two smallest reeds down across a larger one. With that done, she realizes that it's kind of stuffy in here, so she takes off her long blue coat and tosses it aside, leaving her in nothing but her red dress. Red's more her color.

"Yup." Joey, who has also doffed his jacket, adds some more reeds to the construction. "Have another long one right here."

Once they've put the sticks in the correct order, a chest pops open, and everyone runs to it. Inside is another emblem, together with another clue. This is the third out of seven emblems. They're almost halfway there.

"Another crystal, awesome," says Joey.

_The next one lies where flesh becomes stone._

_Where flesh becomes stone..._ That could mean either Mortimer's statue or the Gorgon's lair again. Either way, Colleen gets to go back to the Greek hour where she suffered Painful Death Numero Dos. Fun times!

The YouTubers sneak outside, but don't get very far before Bretman's eyes light up with panic. "You guys!" He quickens his pace. "He's coming! Run, run, run!"

Colleen briefly turns around, and _yup,_ they're being chased again. Apparently, this vampire's bad, so they have to run from him. Although Colleen's not _that_ mad about being chased by a cute vampire, she doesn't want to go back to the Carnival Master. So running it is.

In the Gorgon's garden, they find another scroll. "We can hide," repeats Bretman. "We can hide. We can hide."

_Only when the garden of stone faces the Gorgon's killer will the secret be given up._

"Who killed the Gorgon?" Joey wonders.

"I don't know!" hisses Colleen. "I was dead! You guys killed me!" Her eyes well up with angry tears at the memory of her bone-crushing demise. "The beast killed the Gorgon, didn't he? The beast killed _me,_ the bitch!" She looks around the garden and smirks in satisfaction when she catches sight of the Minotaur's decapitated head. "There's his head!" _That's what you get for what you did to me._

The Carnival Master stalks back into the garden. Accompanying him is the Man With No Name, who is for _sure_ the ugliest, weirdest monster of the bunch. Bretman's usually into tall guys, but Longlegs McGee over here is _not_ someone he's into. _He's not that cute at all. No, ma'am._

"Omigod!" gasps Joey. "Benjamin!"

They all hide. Bretman ducks behind the chest, Colleen curls into a ball behind a bush, and Joey ends up hiding behind a statue and mimicking its pose. Bretman thinks that the Savant looks silly, but a bitch has to do what a bitch has to do.

The Carnival Master comes closer, causing Joey to duck deeper into hiding until he's between the statue's legs. "Oh." He makes a face. "Hello."

_Desperate times call for desperate hiding spots,_ Bretman chortles.

"I think they went that way," says the Carnival Master as he and the Man with No Name take their leave.

Bretman, Colleen, and Joey get back to work as soon as the monsters are gone. "The garden of stone needs to be facing the beast," says Colleen. "So do we have to move all of these to face him?"

"Yeah, exactly," says Joey. "Let's do that."

"This one's already facing him," rattles Colleen, pacing around the garden. "This one's facing him."

Bretman turns a statue around. "He's right there, sis." The sooner they get this done, the sooner they can all go home.

"All right, you need to lose some weight next time you get turned to stone!" Joey lectures the heavy statue that he's rotating. "Ugh!" He ends up requiring help from Colleen to turn it around all the way.

A drawer opens to reveal the fourth emblem, a bottle of blood, and a note. "You guys, you guys, you guys, you guys!" chants Bretman, grabbing the note and reading it.

_The Gorgon was once a member of the Society Against Evil before the Collector turned her. Her blood holds the voice of vengeance and gives the sword the power to turn flesh to stone. Excalibur must be bathed in it to complete its transformation. The next emblem resides where wishes are given._

Wait, the Gorgon was a Society Against Evil member? The horrifying monster with snakes in her hair and a petrifying gaze used to fight _against_ the forces of evil? "So the Collector..." Joey's voice shakes at the realization of this woman's awful fate. "...turned her?" He imagines a woman, similar to Jael, corrupted and consumed by the very darkness she once sought to eradicate. What evil must have been done to drive her into the worst shadows of herself?

He shivers. That poor Society Against Evil member. If only they'd known, they might've saved her...

But the fact that this same woman's blood holds the key to destroying the Collector for good is honestly _awesome._ "This is the ultimate vengeance for what she did to the Gorgon!"

"Love that," says Colleen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Joey and Company have emblems to find, monsters to defeat, and a whole lot of painful feelings to overcome. Also, Bretman and Colleen keep grappling with their own trauma.


	53. Legendary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only a few emblems and one more key standing between the YouTubers and freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! A lot has changed since I last updated. Rest assured, I have a plan to deal with everything that's happened, whether it be in this novel or in the next one (if there is a next one). Enjoy the chapter!

"We have to go back to the Genie's lamp," says Bretman. _Arabia, here we come back, honey! I kinda got a bit of a soft spot for you, cause you let me live, so keep up your streak of being a good place, and we'll all be Gucci._ "Be careful approaching. There's always a vampire in here."

Colleen shivers. Joey frowns. Neither says a word.

The trio tiptoes towards the museum. Sure enough, the vampire comes after them again. _Omigod, he's kinda cute, should I let him take me?_ Bretman briefly wonders before thinking better of it. "You guys, hurry up!" He grabs the doorknob. "Hurry up! Hurry up!"

They run all the way to Arabia's secret passageway, then crawl through it into the place where the genie once made his home. "Oh, I feel so safe in here!" Joey exclaims. "Guys, honestly, can we just stay here?"

Honestly, Bretman wouldn't say that he's against the Savant's suggestion. Arabia really ain't a bad place to be.

How come Colleen was dead during the time that the rest of the group got to go to the pretty, cute genie room? All the other areas of the museum were so terrifying, but the _one_ time they find a nice place, _that's_ the place she misses? Couldn't she have missed the dinosaurs? Or the pirates? Or the knights? Or literally anything else?

Joey finds a rope and a clue.

_Weave the golden rope through the correct plot points to tell the story correctly._

Basically, there are sentences scattered across the room, and the YouTubers need to weave the rope through the sentences in the order of the story. Colleen's never heard this story before. She's just really scared of the monsters coming and finding them. "Wise sage and healer _begins_ working for the king," she reads off one of the story components. "Maybe 'begins,' because that's the beginning of the story?"

"You've got this." Bretman smiles at her. "You take the lead. Just let me know where to weave this."

Colleen can't believe she's thinking this, but she _really_ appreciates Bretman's support. Maybe he's not completely irredeemable after all.

She takes the lead (she _has_ to now, because how else will she redeem herself from her Chinese exhibit uselessness?) and directs the boys on how to rope the sentences into a story. Soon, their patterned puzzle is complete. "I think that's all of them," says Joey.

"Okay, let's read it from the beginning," suggests Bretman, so they do.

_A wise sage and healer begins working for the king. The king's closest advisor tells the king that the healer is trying to murder him. Fearing for his life, the king orders the healer to be executed. Just before he is beheaded, the healer gives the king a book of magic. The next day, the king reads the book, only to die from the poison on its pages._

Colleen digests the tale as it's told. "That sounds like a story." Given her own history with death and betrayal, she can _totally_ relate to the healer's plight, and she's not mad at him for posthumously poisoning the king. Sometimes, people get what they deserve.

With the story completed, a chest opens. "Okay." Joey darts over to it and retrieves its valuable contents. "Yes! Our fifth crystal!" He reads the accompanying clue.

_X marks the spot._

"X?" Bretman peers over Joey's shoulder. "Where's the X?"

The clue is a map with several circles on it, including one red circle. Joey doesn't know what it means, but when he realizes what it's depicting, his heart sinks. "Wait, this is the Sands of Egypt." _Where Justine died...oh God._

Colleen groans.

Joey pushes his feelings aside and sneaks out of the museum with Bretman and Colleen. The air around them is deadly silent, unnerving them all, but especially Colleen. "It's too quiet," she hisses. "Where _is_ everybody? What do we have to do?"

_I don't know._ Joey has a bad feeling about this.

Colleen is the first to spot the clown and the Guardian approaching. "Shit!" She grabs Joey's arm. "Hide!"

_And there it is._

Bretman, Colleen, and Joey retreat into hiding. Bretman can hear his heart pounding in his chest as the monsters search the area. _How long can we keep doing this?_ murmurs the exhausted part of his heart. _How long until someone's caught and can't be saved?_

He grits his teeth. That is _so_ not the kind of crap he should think about now. It's better to focus on keeping himself and his friends alive.

"How are we supposed to do this if they're in there?" Colleen whispers.

"Someone make a commotion." Joey turns to Bretman. "I feel like, Bretman, you could make a scene."

Bretman nods. "Okay." _It's for the group,_ he reassures himself as he rises to his feet. _I can't prioritize my own safety_ all _the time, you know?_

Colleen's concerned whisper follows him. "What are you doing? Bretman!"

Holy shit. She really _does_ care about him.

With that in mind, Bretman gets to work on being a distraction. "Wee-ooh!" he chirps, waving his arms around like a floppy tube-man at a gas station. "I'm right here!" _How you like me now, bitch? Think you can get me? Try it!_

The clown chases him away. "It's time to _kill_ somebody!"

Bretman easily outruns her and wastes no time in rejoining the other two YouTubers, who have already emerged from hiding. They regroup at the entrance to the Sands of Egypt. "She is _awful!"_ declares Colleen.

"She's insane," Bretman agrees without even thinking about it.

The Sands of Egypt are just as dense and sandy as Joey remembers them. A slight breeze sends the dusty substance blowing to and fro, as if Purgatory is preparing a harsh Egyptian storm. Joey glances past the sand and sees the very sight he feared to see: Justine Ezarik, dead on the ground, a small knife clenched in her fist. _Omigod..._ He whirls his whole frame away from her just in time to stop himself from falling to his knees. _Justine...I failed you...I failed them all...I'm sorry...I'll always,_ always _be sorry..._

She's right. It _is_ for everyone. If only he'd truly committed those words to heart.

"Okay." The Savant tearfully turns back to face the Sands. He won't look at Justine. He _can't._ But there's still work to be done. He can still save Colleen and Bretman, if nobody else.

"Wait." Colleen points forward at a pirate's hat on an X-marked stone. "X marks the spot? The...the pirate! The pirate's hat! See the red dot!"

Bretman cries "Yes!" as all three YouTubers run to the stone. Once there, he frowns. "Do we all have to stand on here?"

"Let's try," Joey grumbles, his head and heat far away.

He, Colleen, and Bretman stand together on the stone. At first, nothing happens, but that's before Bretman shouts "Wait, wait!" and gestures to another part of the Sands. "If you stand right here, it makes an X."

Joey is confused. "Where?"

"Omigod, he's right!" says Colleen. "He's right! If you stand on the spot...omigod, Bretman, you _genius!"_

"Wait!" Joey doesn't get it. Since when does Colleen like Bretman? And where is this thing that they've discovered? "I wanna see!" He looks in the direction of where the X is pointed, then looks down at the fountain. _Now_ he gets it. There's something underwater.

He sticks his hand in the fountain. Sure enough, he finds something.

"Yes!" cheers Bretman. "Yes, _yes!"_

Thank God. They've got what they're after, so now they can leave the Sands of Egypt behind. Good riddance. Joey won't miss them at all.

"Omigod!" gasps Colleen. "Bretman!" She's absolutely blown away by the smarts that Bretman has demonstrated throughout this wild monster chase. He's saved all their skins on more than one occasion, and because of that, he's _ever_ so slowly creeping off of Colleen's hit list. They're working on it.

The group opens the bag, and they find the sixth emblem. "Gorgeous!" Joey exclaims. "It _is_ an amethyst!"

"Good for protection," says Bretman.

Colleen takes it upon herself to read the emblem's note. Someone has to.

_The last and final emblem lies beneath the mouth of a once-great beast._

_Beast?_ Colleen wrinkles her nose. _What beast?_

When the Guardian lumbers into view, Bretman is the first to spot the threat. "You guys, there's, uh, there's someone," he stammers, his usually cocky tone replaced by stuttering fear. "You guys, we have to hide!" He takes off.

"Run!" shouts Joey, and the race is on.

"I don't wanna trip, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die," Colleen chants wildly, her voice rising in pitch, as she runs as fast as her legs can carry her. "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die!" She remembers the clock saying that they only had thirty minutes left, so why does it feel like they've been chased by monsters for an entire year?

The clown joins the Guardian. "Let's have a little fun, shall we?"

Joey hides behind one pillar, while Colleen and Bretman hide behind another. As the monsters prowl about, Colleen looks at Bretman and sees, for the first time, the strained grimace that stretches across the Playboy's perfectly primped face. She feels his pain. There's only so much a YouTuber can take from these terrible nights.

Thankfully, the clown and the Guardian soon depart, leaving the YouTubers free to move on. "Go," whispers Colleen, waving them forward. "Go, go, go." _We're almost there. One more emblem. The note we got—_

—kind of sort of ripped to pieces in her hands while she was scared.

_Shit!_

"Okay, listen," whispers Joey. "What does it say?" He's anxious to retrieve the last emblem and get these monsters off their trail for good.

"It ripped up when we got chased," Colleen admits, "but it said something about a beast."

Joey can't believe his ears. "It got ripped up?!?"

"It was wet, and it was in my hand—"

"Colleen!" Joey's frustration flares into a shout of fury. "That was our _one_ clue!" _What do you mean, it ripped up? Don't you understand what's at stake here? If we don't get this done, we're all gonna die!_

She shrinks back from him, fear in her eyes. "I'm sorry!" she sobs. "It just said something about a beast! I don't know! I'm sorry! It was very wet!"

_I'm scaring her. Change course. Change course._ "Okay, let's try and think. What did it say? Something about..."

"It lays inside its mouth, or lays somewhere in the beast," remembers Bretman.

Colleen adds "something within the beast" in a cautious voice.

"It's gotta be something else," Joey muses. "The beast." _God, how many beasts have we met?_

"Were there other beasts?" Colleen wants to know. "Like dinosaurs? The beast? Like, you know, the skulls of the—"

Joey nods. "The circle room. Let's go."

"Yes, Colleen, yes!" whoops Bretman.

So the group heads back inside. Joey spots the taxidermied lion in the prehistoric exhibit, and he has a breakthrough. "Wait, the lion!" he shouts. "The lion's the beast!" He pokes around in the lion's mouth. Nothing.

Colleen scrunches her brows. "The mouth of the beast?"

"This could also be a beast," contemplates Bretman, drifting over to a giant dinosaur skull. Soon enough, he finds a note taped to another dinosaur's pedestal. "Oh, you guys, you guys, you guys, you guys!"

Of course, that's when the monsters return, because this is how it always goes around here.

Bretman, Colleen, and Joey stumble into hiding to the tune of Colleen's cries of "Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide!" They're hidden in the nick of time before Bretman's two least favorite monster bitches, Lucy and her harpy friend, come prancing into the room.

"I wanna play!" Lucy sing-songs.

_No thanks,_ thinks Bretman.

Fortunately for the YouTubers, the monsters quickly grow bored. "Let's go," giggles the harpy. She and Lucy take their leave.

Joey is the first to emerge from hiding, a scowl on his face. "I don't like those girls at all!"

"Let me close this door," says Bretman, who then does just that. _Sis, why do we keep leaving doors open when we know there's monsters coming in? What sense does_ that _make? None, bitch. None at all._

Joey reads the clue (that _Bretman_ found, thanks very much).

_Feel the rhythm of the dinosaurs. Play in perfect rhythm four times to reveal the final emblem._

"How do we play it?" Joey squints at the colored squares at the bottom of the note. "Red, orange, orange, blue, orange, purple, purple." Then, he takes notice of three drums near the walls, each with colored markings on them. "The drums!" He grabs a drum with red markings. "Okay. So we need to play it in the right rhythm. I'll be the red one."

Bretman grabs the blue-marked drum. "I'll do the blue." He's getting major concert vibes from this task, and he likes it.

"I'm yellow," decide Colleen, fetching the yellow-marked drum.

"Oh, wait, and then there's a second one," says Joey. "I'll do the other one, cause the red only has one."

They run into a snag when they realize that there are supposed to be _four_ drums instead of three. "We need purple," sighs Colleen. "It's purple. We're missing purple."

"Wait, purple might mean red and blue at the same time," suggests Joey.

Bretman smirks. _Miss Joey, being the smart bitch that she is, she knows her color theory, honey._ "Wow! Love that! Yes!"

Joey declares that he will play the red and purple notes, Bretman takes blue, and Colleen settles on yellow. Together, they play the drum rhythm as it's indicated on the clue. When the last note is played, a compartment opens up underneath one of the dinosaur displays, and the final emblem comes into view.

"That's it!" whoops Colleen. She's _so_ happy that Bretman and Joey are here, because her brain fell out of her butt a couple of hours ago. Never in a million years would she have been able to figure out these riddles on her own.

Joey picks up the emblem. "I think this is our final crystal, right?"

Bretman says "yes," and Joey reads the seventh emblem's instructions.

_Excalibur calls you. Place the emblems around it and read the words of the spell._

"Okay." Joey pockets both emblem and clue and heads for the door. "Let's go."

They get outside, and it is just a _little_ too quiet, bitch. Colleen doesn't trust it out here. These monsters are up to something. And that something probably involves a very painful death.

But then, the trio comes upon a table with six burning torches, plus a note. "Wait, what's this?" whispers Colleen. "Why are there so many?" _There are only three of us. We don't need six of these things._

Joey reads the note.

_New collections must be placed in an exhibit where they belong, like the Collector herself would do. Build a ring of fire, place crimson sand in the center, and lure them inside to complete the spell she was about to perform._

_A spell..._ Colleen remembers glass shattering around her. _Is that what the Collector did to me and my friends? Why don't I remember that?_ She coughs to disguise a whimper. _When will the world stop messing with my head?_

All is done as they are told. The YouTubers build their ring of burning torches, Joey sprinkles his vial of crimson sand in the center of the ring, and the trap is set. Bretman allows himself a small smirk of confidence. He's lured monsters before, and he's not scared to do it again.

But they've hardly made it to Excalibur before the Playboy sees a sight that shakes the foundation of courage that he just built for himself. "You guys!"

It's the monsters. All of them. They've just appeared out of nowhere, like a pack of snarling wolves about to go for the kill. And every single freakin' one of them is surrounding Excalibur. Great.

"What do we do?" stammers Colleen, her voice rushing with terror. "Let's have a plan, please! I'm very stressed! Let's have a plan!"

Joey takes charge of the plan. "So we'll run in there, we'll be like 'omigod, what are you guys doing here?" and then run past the ring of fire," he proposes. "They'll run through the path and get trapped inside it."

Bretman is _so_ down with that. _Honey, let's go monster fishing._

Joey, Colleen, and Bretman waltz into the monsters' line of sight, pretending as if they don't have a care in the world. "Oh, weird!" Joey fake gasps in an overly exaggerated tone. "How did this happen?" He prays that he's convincing.

"Hey, guys!" chirps Colleen. "What's up, y'all?"

"Destroy them!" the Carnival Master roars.

The trio runs from the monsters, screaming a jumble of panicked words into the early morning air, and Joey doesn't know if his heart is louder than his voice. "They are very fast!" _If the ring of fire doesn't work...we're gonna die. There's no other way out._

Soon, they're back where they started, on the other side of the ring of fire. "Oh, no." Joey's too afraid to breathe. "Guys, we're trapped! What're we gonna do?" He smiles at the approaching monsters. "Over here! Hi!"

The monsters charge into the ring of fire all at once. As they do, blood-red smoke and lightning surrounds them, trapping them all in place. They squirm in befuddled gestures against their predicament, looking as if they can't accept that this is where their horrors end.

Joey laughs, long and dark, relishing the downfall of the creatures who caused him so much fear. "That's right," he gloats. "Enjoy your exhibit!"

With one last scream, the monsters are evaporated into their new lives as museum exhibits. Joey pictures them in the glass cases that once held his friends hostage, and he feels a rush of satisfaction. "Omigod..." _Well, I'm sure as hell not shedding any tears for them!_

"Omigosh, it worked!" cheers Bretman.

"Omigod," Colleen cries, "we did it! We have to go to Excalibur!"

"Okay, let's go!" Joey takes off running. "Quick!" There's just the Collector left. They have to kill her, and fast, because they're running out of time.

Joey, Colleen, and Bretman run down to Excalibur and place the crystals around the sword. Then, Bretman pours blood on top of Excalibur.

"That's disgusting," Joey complains.

Bretman ignores him. "All right, you guys..."

"Okay, let's read this." Joey pulls out his note and tries to ignore the corpses of Gabbie and Tana on the ground. "Okay, ready? On the count of three. One, two, three."

"The old—"

It's a false start. They're not in unison, and they're not even reading the same part of the note, so their first attempt at the spell comes to a screeching halt. "Oh." Joey frowns at the paper, feeling slightly annoyed at his mistake. "Okay, ready?"

"Let the old fade—"

Another failure by Joey. This is getting embarrassing.

"Okay." Bretman raises his hand and uses it to count off a proper start time. "One, two, three."

"Let the old fade to dust, and from the ashes of the ages, rise—"

Joey trips up on the words, forcing the group to stop again. "Okay, sorry." His cheeks are red with humiliation, but he smiles anyway, because at least it's almost over. "I am dyslexic."

"Yeah," replies Bretman, "it's early."

"We're very tired," says Colleen.

_One more time. Okay. We can do this._ "Three, two, one."

"Let the old fade to dust, and from the ashes of the ages, rise as the Sword of All Legends."

Lightning strikes Excalibur, transforming its blade into glowing white steel. This, then, is the Sword of All Legends. Its blade promises glory for all those who dare to use its power for good.

Joey's jaw drops. "Holy crap." He approaches the sword, half suspecting a trick of some kind. "Omigod, you guys." Slowly, deliberately, he pulls the sword out of the stone, and at the sight of its glimmering blade, he laughs in pure relief. "This is incredible. We did it." The way back home is clear. "Let's go kill her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: The final showdown. Also, bad decisions.


End file.
